The Lighthouse: Lifelines in London
by pinkswallowsun
Summary: After an awful 6 months, things are finally looking up for Harry and Nikki. But when Nikki is kidnapped, will Harry and Leo be able to decipher the evidence and find her before it's too late?
1. Prologue

**So here it is, the first ever chapter of Lifelines in London! If you've already read Sunset in South Africa, thank you so much for sticking with me, for coming back for even more :) And if you haven't read Sunset in SA yet, it might be best to do that first, because this picks up directly from it and you're not going to understand what's going on. Go and catch up, and I hope to see you back here soon!**

**This is just the prologue, but I'll get the first proper chapter up in the next day or so. Hope you liked the ending of Sunset in SA (and left me a review, heading towards the 550 target :) And please drop me one here too, just so I know you're not all bored out of your minds with this! **

**Thank you so much for coming back, hope you like,**

**Love Flossie xxx**

**Prologue**

_**Previously…**_

_Dear Harry,_

_We've met before, hence the rather informal introduction. You might not remember me, but I assure you we have. Does Cape Town, 2011 ring any bells? I thought it might. _

_I'm sure you feel you've waited long enough for answers, so I'll get straight to the point: I have Miss Alexander, and have done for the last 6 years. And you'd be surprised how easy it was to brainwash her; I hardly had to try at all. She's a lot like her father really, the more I think about it. Easy to manipulate and rarely brave enough to even attempt to fight back. I could tell her the sky was purple and she'd believe me; I even wiped her own mother from her memory. Now she thinks the only person who has ever cared about her is me. It's a shame really, as we both know I'm hardly the most caring person on the planet. Not like you, but she won't remember you anymore, Harry Cunningham. She won't remember you at all, and we both know it only too well._

_You see, the point of this letter is that I'm getting bored of all this running, Harry Cunningham. It feels as if I've been doing nothing but running for the past 6 years: running from the British Police, the South African Police, the Hanoi Government Officials, the Iranian Government, the idiots in Chongjin whom I now know will never, ever understand the sacrifices I made for them… I could go on. I can tell she's starting to catch on now- Miss Alexander, I mean- and I know she's only going to put me in danger when she remembers who she is, and possibly expose the entire Con Chuồn Chuồn Society in the process, sending us all to our graves. I can't risk that, but that is not the main reason I'm ready to give Miss Alexander up. The main reason is that once she gets her sanity back, our friend will start to fully understand the places she's been to with me and the things I've allowed her to see and be a part of, and that could tear her apart. Even after all these years on the run, and all the trouble she has caused me, the fact remains that I love her, and that's why I have to let her go. Because when she starts to piece together the various elements of her life once more, both the good and the bad, she'll need the love and support of her family to help her through, and that's one thing I can't pretend to be. You might not believe it, but I can be pretty decent when I want to be, and so this is me, doing the decent thing and the thing that's best for you, for Nikki and for all of us._

_So I've decided to give Miss Alexander back, but if you thought I'd make it easy for you then you thought very, very wrong. I've always been fond of games, after all, so why should I stop now? I haven't got long left of this life, Harry, and I consider this my last swansong. If you want to bring Miss Alexander home to England, you're going to have to find her first, and don't think I'm going to hand her location to you on a silver platter. I will give you some advice though: when in doubt, go back to the beginning. Her beginning, a whole world away, in a land you and I could never understand. Do that, and you'll be well on your way towards achieving your goal. That's all I'm saying for now. _

_Did you and Professor Dalton ever work out how all this started, I wonder? Which came first, your involvement with the Con Chuồn Chuồn Society or your involvement with Joycelin Martha? Let me tell you a secret, Harry Cunningham, they were one and the same. The Con Chuồn Chuồn Society is something so secret and so deathly important that I very much doubt you have even heard of it many times before now, but remember this, you would not be alive today, reading this letter without its existence, I promise you that. And as for poor little Joycelin Martha, well, she was just in the wrong place at the wrong time, a bit like our friend Nikki. But those two things are more connected than you realize. The day Joycelin Martha got dragged into our little battle, Harry Cunningham, was the day the Con Chuồn Chuồn Society was born, and the Con Chuồn Chuồn Society was originally established by Joycelin Martha's parents to protect her. They knew it was only a matter of time before she got caught up in our little war, Harry Cunningham. They just didn't realise that all this would happen so quickly. Shall I tell you a secret? When I look back and think of all the things I have done in the name of change, and I think of all the innocent people who died, I wonder how I manage to sleep at night. The truth is that I don't. Joycelin Martha was just one victim, there were thousands more. And that doesn't bear thinking about._

_There's just one more thing I want you to know, Harry Cunningham, and you probably won't believe it, but that doesn't matter too much. The thing is I'm not a bad person. Inside, I'm still a frightened child who got caught up in something gravely dangerous and has been frantically searching for a way out for the last 30 years. I thought I could restore peace to the world, and I thought I could have a life with Miss Alexander, but I was wrong. Everything went wrong. But throughout it all, the good and the bad, all I ever wanted was a friend, and that was exactly what I got. _

_And so, Harry Cunningham, when this is all over and the police ask you why this happened, why her and why now, tell them exactly what I'm telling you now. Give them this letter if you like, if that makes it easier. I want them to know that I was just a scared little child in need of someone to trust. And for the past 6 years, Miss Alexander was just that._

_Yours truly,_

_Bai of the Con Chuồn Chuồn Society_

_**Dear Harry,**_

_**Sorry about that last letter, it was a bit vague, I know, but I couldn't risk giving too much away. I was still with the Phoenix Movement when I wrote that last letter, and you're never alone in the Phoenix Compounds, even if you think you are. There's always someone spying on you, even if you don't know it. But I'm not with them anymore; I've escaped, I've broken free and taken refuge with the Con Chuồn Chuồn Society. And soon, if everything goes to plan, all this will be over.**_

_**Did you work out where the 2 of us had met before, Harry Cunningham? I bet the thought that you had seen me prior to all this has been sending you crazy, hasn't it? You've been wondering what would have happened if you'd realized who I was. I bet you think that had you seen a picture of me beforehand, had you recognised me, I'd be locked up in prison, and none of this would ever have happened. But you're wrong. This was always going to happen, one way or another. It just so happened to be me who carried out the deed.**_

_**I'm going to put you out of your misery now: you saw me in the hospital, by the neonatal unit, the day Joycelin Martha was born. That's right, you remember me now, don't you? I was the one who asked you where the neonatal unit was, who said I'd just become a father to a little girl called Hong-hanh? Does that make sense now? I asked you who you were there to see, because I knew you were Nikki's friend. I knew that you would tell me if the baby was alive and well, because you didn't know who I was. That's right; you handed Joycelin Martha right into the hands of the Phoenix Movement that day Harry Cunningham, whether you meant to or not.**_

_**So what happens now? Well, you've done as I said, I presume; you've begun to follow my trail. You'll be back in South Africa now, looking for your baby. And she nearly found you, you know. She nearly found her way back to you by accident, but I swept her up and took her back again before she could escape. I wanted to keep her all to myself, but then someone made me see sense. She was never mine to have, not really, was she, Harry Cunningham? Neither of them were. I never meant to take Nikki from you; it was obvious that the two of you were meant to be together. But I thought I could have Joycelin Martha, I thought Nikki wouldn't want her after everything I put her through, but she did, didn't she? I understood that the moment I tried to take the baby away, which is why I decided to take both of them. I couldn't bear to separate them, at least for those first three years. But after that, I had no choice. **_

_**But it's time to put things right now, Harry Cunningham. It's time to let Joycelin Martha come home. But you have to understand, it's not as simple as just arranging a location and handing her over. The Phoenix Movement could still be reading this, even though I have taken every precaution to make sure they don't. All I can say is this: ask Nikki where she and Sanne used to play when they wanted some privacy. Meet me there, 5 days from now, at sunset. If Nikki doesn't want to come then I'll understand; as long as somebody comes. I'm not leaving a 6 year old by herself in the middle of South Africa, and I doubt Nikki would be happy about that either. Don't worry about it being someone I'll recognise, either. I know all of you, Nikki's family. I spent months and months stalking you all, back in 2011. **_

_**It's an end of an era really, isn't it? Not a particularly pleasant one for any of us, but still. You, Nikki and Joycelin can be a proper family now. You won't have to worry about me anymore, because I'm turning myself in to the South African police. I can't live with what I did to you and your family, Harry Cunningham, and it's time I was punished for my crimes. I swear, you won't have to worry about me ever again.**_

_**Yours truly,**_

_**Bai of the Con Chuồn Chuồn Society**_


	2. Surprise

**First proper chapter :) This one's mainly just fluff, but I'm starting out with fluff just to get it going, and in a couple of chapters time we'll be moving into angst zone, so hopefully everyone will be happy :) Thank you to everyone reading, and a particular thank you goes to Amy, Thyqua, Jessica, Em, Lauren and Lizzi for your reviews. Please keep them coming, you know I love you all :)**

**Enjoy, and please leave some feedback, even if it's only a few words,**

**Love Flossie xxx**

**Chapter 1**

**Surprise**

**Sunday 7****th**** August 2011**

**-9.24am**

"Morning, you," Harry smiled down at the tiny baby in the incubator, watching as she snuffled a yawn and blinked a couple of times, before closing her eyes and going back to sleep, oblivious to the commotion going on around her. "Hey, don't go back to sleep! It's your big day today, Joy! We're taking you downstairs to be with Mummy, remember? Don't you want to say hello?"

But Joycelin just ignored him, in too deep a sleep to take any notice.

"Typical," Harry told her, feigning annoyance. "We go to all this trouble for you, persuade the doctors to break about 20 hospital policies, and you're just going to sleep through it all? Never mind, I don't think your Mummy's going to care if you're fast asleep when we get downstairs, is she? I think she just wants to see you."

"You haven't got kids of your own, have you?" laughed Suzanna, the nurse on duty who was helping him move Joycelin downstairs. He and Nikki had gotten to know Suzanna reasonably well over the past week; she had been on duty a few times during their trips up to the neonatal unit to see Nikki's baby, and had grown used to turning a blind eye at Nikki's constant lifting her daughter out of the incubator and into her arms, unsatisfied with just holding her hand through the incubator window.

Harry shook his head. "No, the closest I've got is this one," he told her. "Although I think I'm going to be seeing a lot more of her than I thought, so maybe she'll become like a daughter to me. I don't know."

"Because you and Nikki are together now?"

Harry nodded, grinning broadly, then stopped. "Hang on… how did you…?"

"About 10 people told me," Suzanna explained, laughing at the look on Harry's face. "Yep, that's right; you two are the talk of this part of the hospital! And you've only got yourselves to blame! If you hadn't looked and acted so much like a couple right from the off, we wouldn't have all had bets on how long it would take for the two of you to come to your senses now, would we?"

"You…" Harry was speechless. "You had bets on us?"

"No, of course not, I'm joking!" Suzanna laughed. "But it was getting that way! Congratulations anyway, you two definitely deserve each other. And this one deserves to be with her Mamma," she said, turning back to Joycelin, still fast asleep in the incubator. "Do you want to get her out?"

"Get her out?" Harry spluttered. "But she's not supposed to come out of the incubator, is she?"

"Well it won't be the first time, will it- I know what Nikki's been doing when I'm not looking! And she should be fine. What we're going to do is disconnect her from all the heart rate monitors and the oxygen mask, and let you carry her downstairs with her breathing unaided. We'll put her back on when we get downstairs, but if she can breathe on her on for a few minutes, we'll know she's getting stronger, and we'll feel more comfortable about letting her off the neonatal ward."

"OK." Harry reached into the incubator slowly, suddenly feeling rather responsible. He hadn't actually held the baby yet, unless you counted grabbing her off Nikki and placing her quickly back in the incubator a few days earlier, when Nikki had almost passed out whilst holding her. Coming to think of it, he didn't think he'd held many babies in his time, and he certainly hadn't held one as small and vulnerable as Joycelin. And he couldn't see Nikki ever forgiving him if he somehow managed to drop her baby on her head.

Suzanna must have sensed his worry. "It's fine; it's just as simple as it looks!" she promised Harry, as he took the plunge and scooped the baby out. "See, you've just got to hold her like that, and she's only little, so she's not going to put up much of a fight. Now come on, let's take her downstairs."

"Nikki, are you awake?" Harry called through the door, not wanting to walk straight in and ruin the surprise. It had been impossible to predict her sleeping pattern since she had been brought into hospital, and since before then, most likely.

"Harry?" Came her voice from the other side. "Yep, I'm awake. You can come in, you know."

"Yep, just coming!" Harry pushed the door open slowly, having to balance Joycelin on one arm in order to get it open, and praying that she didn't choose that moment to wake up and start squirming. Thankfully she stayed fast asleep, and a moment later Harry was entering Nikki's room, grinning like a small child at Christmas as he saw the look on Nikki's face. "I've got you a visitor."

Nikki just stared at him disbelievingly as he walked into full view, sitting down on the edge of the bed and holding the baby out to her. "Surprise! Please tell me you didn't suspect anything; you wouldn't believe the number of times Leo and I had to stop the nurses from blurting out this plan!"

"What…?" Nikki appeared to be lost for words as she reached out to take Joycelin from him, yet her excitement was plain to see. "How…?"

"Leo and I begged the doctors after your escapade a couple of days ago," Harry explained proudly. "The nurses are moving an incubator down for her now, and she's going to have to stay in that on an oxygen mask for a few more days, but they said you can get her out when you want to, providing that's not all the time. And they're only going to come down to check on her twice a day or so, so you're in charge of feeding her and changing her- although I think I'm going to end up doing that, aren't I?"

Nikki laughed. "Damn, you've seen through my cunning plan!"

"Hey, no swearing in front of Joycelin!" Harry teased her. "You don't want her picking up any bad habits, now, do you?"

"Harry, she's a week old, don't you think she's a bit young to be learning words? And anyway, 'damn' isn't a swear word!"

"If you say so!" Harry laughed. "No, on a serious note, she's all yours now. You don't have to be separated from her again; not until she has her operation, anyway, but I think she'll be discharged not too long after that."

"Harry?"

"Hmm?"

"Did I mention you're amazing and I love you?"

"You might have done, but you can always say it again!" Harry grinned.

"No, seriously. Harry, I honestly don't know how to thank you," she told him sincerely, leaning in for a kiss as she transferred the baby to her other arm. "I really don't."

"Hey, you don't need to," Harry assured her. "All I want is for you to be happy, and I know you need to be with Joycelin for that. It was nothing, honestly."

"I need to be with you, too," Nikki reminded him, leaning in for another kiss. "You and Joycelin. I need you both. And you," she said, addressing the baby now, "Are looking so much better now they've taken all those horrible wires off you, aren't you?" Her voice seemed to gain a twang to it the moment she began speaking to her daughter, so strong and apparent that Harry couldn't help but laugh.

"What?" she asked, amused, suddenly sounding like herself again, like a flick of a switch. "What's so funny?"

"You!"

Now she just looked confused. "What have I done now?"

"Your voice just changed completely!" he teased her. "Well, I never thought I'd see the day, Nikki Alexander: speaker of the Queen's English and notorious for pronouncing _every single syllable of every single word_, defeated by an 8 day old baby and 6 weeks in Cape Town!"

"What? No I didn't… did I?"

"Oh, you definitely did," Harry told her. "You definitely, definitely did. So how come Joycelin gets special treatment then, why not me?"

"She didn't! And anyway, I do _not _sound like the Queen!"

"Oh, but you do!" Harry insisted. "Well, not just now, but normally you do. And I think Sara said something about bringing a video camera with her today, so I'll catch you going all South African on me Nikki Alexander, just you wait!"


	3. To Belong

**You're getting this early, because in a couple of hours I will be busy watching Dr Who. I made the grave mistake of betting my sister next weeks pocket money and a bar of chocolate that I know who River Song is- think I might regret that decision very, very soon, when I find out I was wrong! Oh well ;)**

**This is the last fluffy chapter before the angst begins. There will be fluffy chapters after this, because I don't want to depress you all (and myself) but from here on in the angst is starting. But the happy ending is also in sight! Thanks to Amy, Lizzi, Lauren, Em and Jessica for your reviews- please keep them coming!**

**Love Flossie xxx**

**Chapter 2**

**To Belong**

**Sunday 7****th**** August 2011**

**-10.30am**

"Morning!" Sara Laurence called cheerily as she entered the room an hour or so later, closely followed by Leo, Janet and Martha. "Have you…?" She trailed off as she caught sight of Joycelin, still being held tightly in her mother's arms, but now with a newly attached oxygen mask and heart monitor. Other than Nikki herself, Harry and Martha were the only members of their 'family' who had seen the new addition in the flesh; the neonatal unit had been rather picky about visitors, and so all they had seen of her were a vast collection of photographs.

"Oh Nikki, she's beautiful!" she exclaimed, dropping down onto a chair beside the bed and leaning over to see the baby, before pulling her friend into a gentle hug. "Congratulations, she is just gorgeous, isn't she?"

"Sara, I did have her a week ago, you know!" Nikki laughed, moving away slightly as she felt her daughter begin to stir in her arms.

"I know, but I haven't seen her before, have I?" Sara smiled. "So I've got to make a fuss of her now! So are you going to be 'dad'?" she asked Harry, causing both he and Nikki to jump, shocked. Harry paused; he wanted to be considered Joycelin's dad more than anything, but he and Nikki had been together for less than 24 hours, and he didn't want to overwhelm her, or do anything he wasn't sure she wanted.

"No, no, nothing like that!" he said quickly, looking at Nikki. "We've not even been together for a day yet; I think we should wait a bit before we make a decision like that, shouldn't we?"

Nikki nodded, seeming to agree with him, and Harry breathed a sigh of relief. He would wait a few months before he asked Nikki if he could be 'dad', he decided, maybe until Joycelin was beginning to talk? That way they would hopefully have had enough time to decide that they wanted to spend the rest of their life together, and he could establish himself as 'dad' right from the off. Yes, that was going to be the best way forward.

Joycelin let out a slight whimper, clearly annoyed that her previous attempts to gain some attention hadn't worked, and immediately her mother held her up in front of her, her hands under her shoulders as she looked into her daughter's deep blue eyes.

"I'm sorry, have I been ignoring you?" she asked her, so absorbed in her baby that she failed to notice Harry pulling out Sara's video camera, eager to gain proof of the sudden change in her voice that Nikki was still denying. "I need to remember that you still can't cry, don't I? You can't tell me when you need anything."

She frowned, studying her daughter's face. "So what's wrong, then?" She turned to look at Sara, suddenly panic-stricken. "I don't know what she wants! I'm her mum I'm supposed to know what's wrong with her; I'm supposed to be able to tell!"

"Nikki…" Sara began, trying to reason with her, but Nikki wasn't listening.

"She's trying to tell me something, poor thing, she can't even cry properly she's still so small, and I don't even know how to tell what she wants…"

"Nikki, Nikki listen!" Sara said firmly, finally gaining her attention. "Niks, you've only been looking after her yourself for what, an hour? You can't expect to know exactly what she wants at any given moment yet; it's all a bit trial and error even when you've had them for months, trust me. You just have to work your way through a list and do it by process of elimination. Now, when was she last fed?"

"Just before she came down here, so about an hour ago, right?" Nikki asked Harry, who nodded. "She can't be hungry again."

"Last diaper change?"

"Harry did one for her just before you arrived."

"Oh, you got Harry to do it? You've got this sorted, haven't you Niks?" Sara laughed. "Well you've just been holding her, so she's not after more attention. She's probably just tired. Put her back down in the incubator for a bit, she might just need some sleep."

"Or she's in pain," Nikki sighed, allowing Harry to lift Joycelin out of her arms and lay her down in the incubator. She hated this; knowing her daughter must be in pain, and yet being powerless to do anything about it. She was her mother, she was supposed to make everything better, but there was nothing she could do until Joycelin was strong enough for an operation. For the next week or so, there was nothing she could do.

"Sorry we're late, the taxi didn't turn up," Leo apologised as he, Janet and Martha came in through the door. "Did you manage to…?" he looked over to Nikki's bed, checking to see if Joycelin's incubator had been brought downstairs and catching sight of it next to the bed.

"Oh, you did! Thank god for that; the three of us have been praying the nurses would go through with it all morning-"

"Hang on, you knew about this too?" Nikki laughed as the three of them came over to stand around the incubator, Leo and Janet seeing her daughter for the first time. "Am I the only person who didn't know?"

"Well yes, that's why it's called a surprise," Harry told her, mockingly, only to have a spare pillow thrown at him. "Hey! What was that for?"

"Guess, it's not hard to work out!"

"Don't fight, children, you're embarrassing me in public," Leo told the pair of them sternly, sending them both into a fit of laughter. "Aren't they hopeless?" he sighed, before turning back to the baby, suddenly reminded of Cassie and Theresa and slightly overwhelmed.

"Nikki, she's adorable!" Janet told her, looking down at the baby, almost longingly. "Oh, I'm so happy for you, it must be so much better to have her with you."

"It is," Nikki admitted. "I'm just not convinced I know what to do with her."

"Niks, we've already been through this; you can't expect to know exactly what to do with her right from the start," Sara sighed.

"I know," Nikki said, trying to hold herself together, to not let anyone see that she was worrying so much. "I know. Would you like to hold her?" she asked Janet, changing the subject completely as she saw the look on her friend's face. She knew Janet had been waiting for years to have children of her own, and suspected that even though she knew she would finally have her own baby in a few months, seeing Joycelin was still likely to hurt, just a little.

"Can I?" Janet's face lit up. "If you don't mind?"

"Not at all," Nikki assured her, reaching over to lift Joycelin out of the incubator. "She looks a bit scary at first, but you just need to hold her normally, she's fine really. She's just very small." She leaned over to Janet and placed the baby in her arms, beginning to mentally prepare herself for the next thing she needed to talk to them all about.

"She is beautiful," Leo agreed, leaning over Janet's shoulder. "And she looks just like you."

"How can you tell? She's a week old!" Nikki laughed. She knew what he meant though, they all did. He meant that she didn't look like _him_.

"I just know," Leo told her. "I just know she's going to be just like you. Although god help us all if she's as stubborn as you are."

She didn't even bother trying to argue, knowing the whole room would be against her.

"Listen," she said instead, not sure entirely how to approach the next topic. "I need to talk to you about…" she took a deep breath, bracing herself, before continuing. "About what Joycelin's going to call you all. I mean, you're all going to be the closest thing to a family she has, and…" She stopped, not wanting to impose herself on them, not wanting to be accepted out of politeness.

"And we think of you as family, too," Leo told her firmly, causing Nikki to look up in surprise. "Oh don't look like that, Nikki; you've been part of a family for a long time, even if you didn't realize it. Although for future reference, invading a mortuary complete with a collection of bones and a toothbrush, clinging on like a leech and having no sense of when and when not to speak isn't always the best way to gain a family. Don't ask, I'll explain later" he told Sara, Janet and Martha, all of whom were looking at him as if he was completely crazy. Then he looked to Janet, who nodded slightly in answer to his silent question, before turning back to Nikki.

"Do you want Janet and me to be grandparents?"

"Really? Only if you want to, I wasn't suggesting, I mean, you can be Aunt and Uncle if you prefer…"

"Nikki, we're perfectly happy being her grandparents," Janet told her firmly. "Perfectly happy. We wouldn't have offered if we weren't."

"Can I be her other grandma?" Martha asked, almost shyly. "Not that I could ever replace your mother Niks, god knows I could never do that, but I could…"

"Of course you can! Martha, you don't have to explain," Nikki told her. "Why you're all queuing up to be labelled as old, I don't know, but I'm not complaining." She turned to Sara.

"I'm assuming you'd rather be 'Auntie Sara'?"

Her friend laughed. "How did you guess? Not that you're not gorgeous my darling, you are," she said, addressing the baby. "But I'm not old enough to be your grandmother. At least, I'd like to think I'm not."


	4. An Unwelcome Visitor

**Here's chapter 3 :) I'm afraid there's probably not going to be anything new from me tomorrow, as I'm going to be revising all this evening once this is uploaded and won't have time to write :( But I'll get something up for you all on Wednesday, hopefully, probably another chapter of this, and some more of Pandora's Box as soon as physically possible! Thanks so much to Thyqua, Dinabar, Tigpop, GemS, Em, Lizzi and Lauren for your reviews of the last chapter, and Thyqua, this one's for you, because it's the beginning of the angst I know you've been waiting for! There's a bit here, and by next chapter we'll be really getting into the angsty stuff :) Hope you all enjoy!**

**R and R, and I'll update as soon as I manage to find some time!**

**Love Flossie xxx**

**Chapter 3**

**An unwelcome visitor**

**Sunday 7****th**** August 2011**

**-11.52am**

Victor Alexander ended up taking a taxi to the Western Cape Imperial Hospital; not because he didn't have a car- he had been able to buy one since Bai Lưu had started paying him for his services- but because he didn't trust himself to stick to the speed limits. That in itself was not a problem in South Africa, a country in which it was the norm to pull out a R100 note when stopped by the police for speeding, rather than one's driving licence. No; the problem was that he didn't trust himself to drive safely, to not get himself into an accident of some kind. He couldn't think straight, not knowing that his daughter was in hospital, and that she had been in there for weeks. He couldn't worry about Nikki and function normally at the same time, and so the worry had taken over.

The taxi drive to the hospital seemed to last for hours, but at last Victor had arrived, and was half walking, half running in through the doors and over to the reception desk, fidgeting restlessly in the queue to reach the front desk.

"I'm here to see Nikki Alexander," he told the receptionist, trying to contain his fear. "I'm her father, I… I was told by another family member that she's been in here for a while and I'd like to see her, but I'm not sure which ward she's on or why she's in here."

"I'll look it up for you," the receptionist said, beginning to type something into her computer. "Dr Nicola Alexander, is that her?"

"Yep, that's right," Victor confirmed.

"OK, well she's on the second floor, in room 14 on the postpartum complications ward-"

"The what?" Victor asked, wondering if he had heard right. "Which ward did you say she was on?"

"The postpartum complications ward," the receptionist repeated, smiling sympathetically. "When was the last time you saw your daughter Mr Alexander, if you don't mind me asking?"

"Mr Freeman," Victor corrected automatically; legally, his name had been changed, separating him from his daughter both on paper and in the physical world. It was a decision he had come to regret, to say the least. "And I haven't seen Niks for a good 3 years now; I haven't even spoken to her, if I'm honest." It was beginning to hit him now that he knew nothing about his daughter's life over the past 3 years, and hardly anything prior to that. God, now he thought about it, he couldn't remember knowing anything of substance since she had been a teenager, and even then, she had done her best to keep out of his way.

"I think you're going to have to sit down and have a chat with her, then," the receptionist told him. "I can't tell you anything about her condition, I'm afraid, I can just tell you where to find her. Next please!"

He'd waited a good ten minutes before finally heading up to the postpartum complications unit, needing time for the news to sink in. Victor was no medical expert, but one did not exactly need to be a genius to work out that everyone on a postpartum complications ward would have one, huge, life-changing thing in common: they would all have a newborn baby.

The more Victor thought about it, the more he realized just how much he had let his daughter down over the years. He had always tried to tell himself that Nikki did not really hate him as much as she made out she did, that at least part of her loathing was on her mother's part, carrying on her anger at his disappearance now that she herself was no longer around. He had always assumed that she would get in touch, that she would let him know about the important things in her life. But to keep something as huge and significant as a pregnancy from him… it was clear, Victor thought to himself sadly, that Nikki hated him much, much more than he had ever anticipated. And that filled him with a wave of self-hatred, stronger than any other emotion he could remember feeling in his life.

Victor eventually pulled himself together and headed up to the second floor as instructed by the receptionist, following the signs for the postpartum complications ward. It was only as he stepped into the lift alongside an African woman of about Nikki's age holding a young baby that he realized his own baby had grown up and made him a grandfather, all without him knowing. And suddenly, he felt as if his whole life had passed him by. That, and incredibly old.

He left the lift at the second floor and continued on his journey through the hospital, trying to do the maths in his head to work out roughly when Nikki must have gotten pregnant, but it was no good; he just didn't have enough information. He knew she had been in hospital for a number of weeks but he didn't know how many, and he didn't know whether she had been admitted to hospital before or after the baby –his grandchild- had been born. Then he didn't know if the baby had been full-term or premature… it was no good trying to speculate, Victor knew he was just going to have to speak to Nikki, to get the answers to his questions from her. If she didn't force him out of the room.

Room 14 turned out to be a single, private room close to the reception desk of the postpartum complications ward. Victor peered through the window in the door first, trying to catch a glimpse of the people inside. He could see a bed in one corner, but his view of it was blocked by a cluster of chairs, each occupied by a visitor, shielding that corner of the room from view. There was nothing more that Victor could see, and so slowly, cautiously, he pushed the door open and stepped into the room, not bothering to knock. At which point, everyone suddenly turned to look at him, and Victor was filled with an overwhelming feeling that this was a bad, bad idea.

"Niks," he said nervously, meeting her eyes as he moved across the room to stand beside her bed; close enough to be able to see her properly, to be able to have a conversation with her, yet not overly close. He knew from experience that being to overly-friendly from the off with his daughter was not the best idea.

She was staring at him, her face portraying her shock clearly. The others in the room were staring at him now too: Harry and Leo, whom he recognised from his last visit to see Nikki a few years ago, 2 women older than his daughter whom he didn't recognise, and an older black woman whom he thought he did know, a lifetime ago, maybe. Martha, his brain told him after some delay. It was Martha, the house help he and Celin had employed to help out after Nikki was born. She had more or less brought their only child up herself, in the absence of both her workaholic parents. He hadn't realized she meant so much to Nikki, enough for her to remain in contact with her, but not him. At that realization, Victor sighed; the politics of Apartheid South Africa seemed to live on even now, almost 20 years later, scaring the lives of those who lived under it. Why, in such a beautiful country, could nothing ever be simple?

"Dad?"

His daughter sounded shocked more than anything else, and yet there was a considerable amount of pain and fatigue mixed in; something which made Victor's stomach churn. She didn't look well, not now he was able to see her properly. She was propped up against the headboard of the bed with a number of pillows, dressed in a white patterned hospital gown which only highlighted the paleness of her skin, making her look fully washed out. And she was hooked up to a multitude of drips and machinery; leaving a mess of wires and tubes trailing down onto the floor beside Nikki like a snake. The sight unnerved him a little, but he refused to shy away from her, determined to show her that he was her father and he loved her.

"Dad, what are you doing here?" His daughter asked him, almost sounding angry. He could see her group of visitors glancing at each other out of the corner of his eye, looking almost nervous. Why were they nervous? It wasn't like he was posing any threat. But as he looked at Nikki, seeing the look on her face, he wondered if maybe to her, he was.

"Shall we step outside, give you all some space?" Leo suggested, getting to his feet and waiting for the others to follow. "We'll be just outside Nikki, if you need us." And with that said, the 5 of them filed out of the room, leaving father and daughter alone. Well, not completely alone, Victor realized. Now the others had left the room he could see what they had been obstructing from his view; a small, plastic incubator, tucked in next to the bed. And in that moment, it finally hit home.

"What are you doing here?" Nikki asked him again.

"I was here visiting a friend yesterday evening," Victor began, playing out the lie he had spent the previous night rehearsing. "And I had to go to the reception desk to find out which ward he was on, told them my name first, and they assumed I was here to see you, so-"

"Your name's not Victor Alexander anymore," she pointed out, almost like she had seen right through his lie. "You're Victor Freeman now, remember?"

"Yes, well I don't use that name anymore, not unless I can help it," he told her. "Anyway, so I gave them my name, and they assumed I was here to see you, but it was too late for me to come and visit, so I thought I'd come back today. You could have told me you were in hospital, Niks."

"Didn't think you'd care," she responded, looking down at the floor.

Victor just sighed; clearly this approach wasn't working.

"Who's this then?" he asked, gesturing to the incubator and walking over to it, bending over the side to catch a glimpse of his grandchild for the first time. He was slightly taken aback at first, having not expected the baby to be so small. The mere presence of the incubator had been a signal that the birth had been a premature one, but Victor still hadn't thought the baby would be as tiny as she was. It was a she, his granddaughter, he could tell that from the tiny pink baby grow, patterned with white butterflies. It reminded him of one his wife had dressed Nikki in when she was born, in a previous life, before everything had gone so horribly wrong. She looked like Nikki had at that age too, he noticed, a smaller, darker version of her mother as a baby, and she had an air of fresh innocence about her, making him want to protect her at all costs, even though he'd only just laid eyes on her. He didn't want to let her down, not like he'd done to Nikki.


	5. Eruption

**Chapter 4 :) Thank you to Lauren, GemS, Amy, Heleni0, Em, Lizzi and Thyqua for your reviews, and to anyone reading Pandora's box, I'll try and get the next chapter up within the next couple of days for you all. Please keep reviewing, and let me know what you think of this one :)**

**Love Flossie xxx**

**Chapter 4**

**Eruption**

**Sunday 7****th**** August 2011**

**-12.28pm**

"She's beautiful, Niks," Victor told his daughter, meeting her eyes over the incubator. "Absolutely perfect. So what's her name, then?"

"She's Joycelin Martha Rose Alexander," Nikki told him, leaning over to lift the baby out of the incubator and cradling her to her chest, as if trying to keep her away from him, drawing his attention to the wires attached to the baby's body. Alexander, Victor realized, the baby was an Alexander. Which meant that there almost certainly was not a father in the picture.

"After Martha? I didn't realize you were still in contact with her."

"Well I am; she's been more of a parent than you over the years," Nikki replied coldly. "So yes, Joycelin's named after Martha. She's named after Martha, and after Mum."

Joycelin; Victor could see it now. Joy-Celin. Named after both the people Nikki valued as parents; it just so happened that he wasn't one of them. He couldn't say he blamed her.

"How old is she?" he asked.

"She's a week today," Nikki told him.

"But she's not full-term?"

"No, she was born at 29 weeks," Nikki snapped; clearly that was still a sensitive topic area. "Does it matter?"

"I was just asking you about my granddaughter, there's no need to get snappy with me," Victor sighed. Why did all conversations with his daughter seem to head in the same direction, towards a shouting match and the two of them going their separate ways unhappy?

"Is there something wrong with her leg?" he asked, suddenly noticing the thick white cast. "She can't have broken anything already, surely?" He couldn't have anticipated the reaction from his daughter at his question.

"Look, Dad, please don't make me feel any worse than I already do!" she said, holding the baby tighter. "You don't know what's gone on; you don't know anything about it! There's nothing wrong with her, and don't you dare try and tell me there is!"

"Nikki, I wasn't… I was just trying to…" Victor began, but she wasn't paying any attention to him anymore. The baby had woken up in her arms and was whimpering softly, like a small animal in pain, too small and vulnerable to cry properly. Nikki was busying herself with Joycelin now, repositioning her so that her head was resting on her shoulder whilst patting her back and talking to her softly in Afrikaans. She was shutting him out deliberately, knowing full well that he wouldn't understand a word. He had gone and blown it, yet again.

"Niks," he sighed. "Listen, are you alright? Shouldn't you have been discharged by now?" She didn't look well, that much had been obvious from the moment Victor had walked in through the door. She looked painfully thin, the dark circles under her eyes suggested a lack of sleep, more than caused by just a new baby, and the rack of fluid drains on the floor next to the bed didn't help. He'd been somewhat prepared to see Nikki not looking particularly well, but he hadn't expected seeing her like this to have such an impact on him. But if her baby was a week old, surely she should be well enough to be out of hospital by now? And yet she clearly wasn't. So what was wrong with her?

"Dad, it's none of your business!" she told him sharply, looking up from the baby at last. "You can't just swan in here and expect me to tell you everything that's been going on in my life recently- no, never mind recently- the last 3 years! Because you have to earn a right to be a father, Dad, it doesn't just come down to genetics! And you threw that chance away over 2 decades ago!"

"Nikki…" Victor sighed. He was handling this all wrong, he knew that much. But he didn't hold himself responsible for all of it. Nikki was clearly in a state; whatever she and her baby had been through- and it was clear they had certainly been through something horrible- was obviously still rather raw, and it was making her much, much angrier and more defensive than her usual self. She didn't really mean it, he told himself. She was just in pain, stressed out and worried about her daughter. But that was OK; he could relate to that. He felt the same way about her.

"Niks, I know I'm not your favourite person, and I completely understand why," he said softly, trying a new approach. "But I want to be in your life, Nikki. I want to be there for you, and I want to be there for Joycelin, but I can't unless you let me in, unless you tell me what's happened. Like, for example, where's the father?" He asked. He wasn't sure quite what made him ask that question; the father of his daughter's baby could easily have just been somewhere else at the specific moment at which he had arrived. And yet something was telling him that it wasn't quite that simple, but he didn't know what. Something within him simply made him pose the question.

"Dad…" Nikki wasn't even bothering to verbally attack him now; his question seemed to have fazed her to beyond the point of new return. She was just staring past him, holding the baby a little tighter in her arms. "Dad that's not… that's not important."

"But it clearly is, if it's getting you this upset just talking about it," Victor pressed. "Come on, you can tell me darling, whatever it is. I'm your dad, you can tell me anything, you know."

"Oh really?" Nikki asked angrily. "How am I supposed to tell you everything when you're not even there?"

"Look if this is about me leaving again, Nikki, because quite frankly I'm getting sick and tired of going over and over the same thing with you! Why can't you just let it go?" Victor shouted. "Why do you have to be so bloody childish that you can't move on from anything, not unless it suits you? Did it ever occur to you that I left because I couldn't take any more, because I was sick and tired of your mother's ability to hold grudges spanning a lifetime, just like you're doing now? God Nikki, why did you have to turn out so much like her?"

"I don't know, maybe because you were never there?" Nikki retorted. "Because you were always at work, because you only ever had time for me when you'd fallen out with Mum and you wanted some company? And then of course you bloody well disappeared, left Mum and me with nowhere to live and no idea what had happened to you, only coming back into my life when someone had to look after me and Mum wasn't around anymore? Maybe I turned out like Mum because you weren't around to be a proper father?"

"But this has nothing to do with me, does it, so insulting me isn't going to help!" Victor shouted, unable to accept that she really hated him that much. "Because I'm here now, aren't I? But what about Joycelin's dad, huh? Where's he? Don't tell me, he was some man you met at a bar, got drunk of your face with and collapsed into bed together at some godforsaken hour of the morning? Because I tell you, I wouldn't be surprised, not in the slightest! Do you even know who he is, the father? Is he going to be around? Or are you going to leave the poor baby in childcare with complete strangers 24/7 while you wrap yourself up in work? I can tell by the look on your face, there isn't a father, is there? Is there?"

"Oh, you want me to tell you about her father?"

Suddenly his daughter's voice was thunderous, carrying anger he'd never heard in her before, yet he still knew only too well. That didn't come as a shock to Victor though, not really. He had always suspected it was only a matter of time before Nikki turned into her mother.

"No, not if you don't…" he began, but it was too late. Although he didn't realize it, this was the first time his daughter had spoken about her ordeal since the birth of her baby, and he had unknowingly unleashed a hurricane.

"Which bit do you want to hear? Do you want to hear about what he did to me? Do you want to hear about how he was someone you would have known, if only you'd been a better father? Do you want to hear that the man who raped your daughter lived next door for years during her childhood, but you never met him, probably never even heard of him, because you were always at bloody work? That he came and hunted me down years later, tricked me into taking him home and proceeded to rape me in my own home? That I was in pieces for months, so much so that I didn't even tell anyone until 6 weeks ago, that I almost killed my daughter in the process? That he managed to take one more thing from me right at the very end of it all, that he managed to rob me of the chance of having any more children in the future? And do you want to know the worst of it, Dad? Do you want me to tell you how I can't even hate the man who ruined my life, can't ever wish that the whole thing didn't happen? Because he might have left me in pieces, he might have left a trail of pain and destruction behind him, but he also gave me the best thing that ever happened to me! So you can think what you like, Dad, you can tell me I should have aborted her or given her away or whatever, but she's the most important thing in the whole world to me, her and Harry! And no matter how old she gets, however she looks on the outside, that's never going to change, because he's not her dad, not really, and she'll never be one little bit like him! So don't you dare ask me about her father, because she hasn't got one! She's just got me, and I love her more than anyone else ever could!"

And with that said Nikki looked down at Joycelin and burst into tears, sobbing uncontrollably as the baby began to wail, proper, full on cries now, not just whimpers. Suddenly the others were back in the room, and Martha and Leo were guiding him out of the door.

"I'm sorry Mr Alexander, but you're going to have to leave," Martha told him protectively, pushing him out of the door. "You're going to have to leave, and promise me you won't ever come back, not unless Nikki specifically asks you to."

It was only when the door slammed shut in his face that the tears came.


	6. Reflection

**Chapter 5 is here :) I'm not going to be able to get much writing done this evening, so you probably won't get anything long until Monday, but I might have another School Reports drabble for you tomorrow. Thanks to Thyqua, GemS, Dinabar, Starr123, Em, Amy, Lizzi and heleni0 for reviewing, you guys know you're amazing :) Please keep reviewing, and I hope you all enjoy this one xx**

**Lizzi- glad you could imagine Emilia Fox saying it! I try to keep everything that happens in my fics so that the characters/actors could be doing/saying it, but I don't know if it always works out, so thanks for telling me :) **

**Enjoy,**

**Love Flossie xxx**

**Chapter 5**

**Reflection**

**Sunday 7****th**** August 2011**

**-12.50pm**

She wasn't really aware of what was going on around her; only that her father seemed to have gone. She could sense the presence of somebody else in the room, yet she couldn't focus on them, thanks to the tears. She didn't know what had made her snap like that- a mixture of her father and a difficult topic of conversation, she supposed, but whatever it was, it had made her so hysterical that the tears just wouldn't stop. Joycelin was crying too now, shaking against her chest as she screamed, and she realized after a moment that her baby was finally crying properly, the sound muffled slightly by the oxygen mask, but a prominent wailing all the same. Maternal instinct kicking in, she held her tighter, trying to tell her wordlessly that the shouting which had upset her so much wasn't going to start up again.

"Dit is alles in orde nou," she promised her daughter, lifting her up gently to kiss her forehead. "It's alright now. I'm so sorry darling; I shouldn't have put you through that. Maar dit is alles nou verby. It's all over now, and he's not coming near us again, not if I can help it. Maar dit is alles nou verby, ek belowe. I promise." But still Joycelin was crying, clearly too distraught to stop, and that only made her feel even worse. Because it was her fault that her daughter was so upset, it was all her fault. And yet she was supposed to be her mother.

She was vaguely aware of someone wrapping their arms around her shoulders, and looked up to see Harry perched next to her on the bed, holding out a tissue and trying to calm her down.

"Nikki, it's alright," he was telling her gently, reaching out to take the baby from her, but she just held onto her tighter, unwilling to let her go. "Nikki, let me take her, Martha can look after her for a minute while you calm down-"

"Harry it's my fault she's so upset, I shouldn't have shouted, I-"

"Nikki, no, don't you dare finish that sentence," Harry told her firmly, somehow having predicted exactly what she was going to say next. "It's not your fault, you didn't ask for your dad to turn up, did you? It's alright, I promise."

"OK." It was almost a whisper, and yet she reached out and handed Joycelin over to Martha, before curling up against Harry's chest. "Why does he always do this to me?"

"I don't know, Nikki," Harry sighed, pressing a kiss to her forehead. "I don't know. So what was it this time, then?"

"This time?" Martha looked up from the other side of the room, where she was changing the baby. "You mean he's turned up out of the blue and reduced her to tears before?"

"Oh, numerous times," Harry informed her. "Normally just because he's after her money, though, not because he wants to fire insults at her."

She looked up at him now, panic exposed across her face. "You… you heard?" What on earth was he going to think of her now?

"Well, he was shouting loud enough to be heard in China," Harry sighed, pulling her in closer. "Nikki, I'm so sorry. I should never have left him alone with you; I knew he wasn't exactly the perfect parent, but I never thought he'd…"

"It's OK, nor did I," Nikki told him, accepting another tissue. "Is she alright?" she asked Martha anxiously.

"She's fine, she's absolutely fine," Martha assured her, holding Joycelin out to her. "Look- no harm done."

"Thank you," Nikki told her with feeling. "I'm so sorry darling, you didn't need to hear all that, did you?" she sighed, before looking up at Leo, Janet, Martha and Sara. "And nor did you. God, that was embarrassing."

"Don't be embarrassed, it's not your fault you're related to that scumbag," Sara said angrily. "It's not your fault. How did he even know where you were, anyway? I thought you told him not to contact you again?"

"I did, but since when did he listen?" Nikki sighed. "I've lost count of the number of times I've told him to get lost, but every time he just comes running back again. He seemed genuinely concerned at the start though, this time around; he didn't mention money, anyway. That made a nice change."

"I think I preferred it when he did just want your money," said Harry, squeezing her shoulders. "At least he wasn't upsetting you this much, then."

"I'm fine," Nikki said firmly, but she knew there was no chance or him believing her, or anyone else, for that matter. How could they, when they'd heard the entire fight between her and her father through the doorway? And yet somehow it made her feel better to at least try to pretend, even if she knew it wasn't going to work.

"Course you aren't, you've just been screamed at by your father," Harry sighed, having moved on from her shoulders and begun to play with her fingers; a sensation which felt strangely comforting. "Anyone would be a bit shell-shocked."

"I know, I know, but I should be expecting it by now," Nikki insisted. "After all his previous 'visits', after all the times he's let me down before, surely I should have come to expect it. You remember what he was like when I was younger," she addressed Martha, now, sighing at the memories. "He was useless, even then. I should have come to expect it by now, it shouldn't be a shock when he turns up out of the blue and does this!"

"In all fairness though, he's never actually gone for you quite so directly before, has he?" asked Leo now. "And you've had a lot on your mind recently; you've certainly had better things to worry about than someone who treats you like that."

"I suppose," Nikki responded, looking down at the floor. She still wasn't convinced that everyone wasn't just trying to make her feel better, but then she supposed it wasn't a situation many people found themselves in, and thankfully not one anyone else in the room could relate to. How did she manage to get so unlucky parent wise? Harry had lost a parent at a young age too, she knew that, but at least he still had a good relationship with his mother. What did she have? A long-dead mother and a hopeless father who somehow seemed to upset her in some shape or form whenever he turned up, intentionally or unintentionally. 'I'm never doing that to you," she promised her daughter silently. 'Never. I don't know how I could, I really don't.'

Victor Alexander rushed out of the hospital as fast as he could, not wanting to linger there any longer than strictly necessary. He couldn't believe he'd gone and blown it with his only daughter, not again. He had promised himself that he wouldn't do this to her again, that he would be kind and understanding, that he would listen to her for a change and show that he had her best interests at heart, rather than his own. And yet he couldn't even manage that. What on earth had possessed him to verbally attack Nikki like that; what had she ever done to him? No wonder she hated him, he didn't blame her in the slightest. Somehow he always managed to say the wrong thing, even when it was so obvious that she didn't want to talk about the topic in question. Why did he have to push her so much, to refuse to back down even though he could see she was so upset? Because he was a bad father, that was why. Because he was too self-centred, too uncaring and forceful to be a good parent. When had he become so useless?

What Nikki had said had shocked him to the core though; he could hardly bear to think about it, even now. She'd been raped. Oh god, his little girl had been raped and he had gone blundering in, trying to force her to talk about it until she couldn't physically take anymore and had snapped. What kind of a father did that to their daughter? Not one who deserved to be a part of her life, he knew that much. But as his anger at himself and how he had handled his disaster of a conversation with his daughter increased, it turned outwards, and before long he was blaming the rest of the world; anything which meant he didn't have to accept his own failure. Why hadn't somebody warned him? Why hadn't the receptionist taken him to one side, or sent him to speak to Nikki's daughter? Why hadn't Harry, or Leo, or Martha, or someone, explained to him what had happened, so that he would be prepared, so that he would know what to talk about and what not to talk about? Or why hadn't Bai told him? He must have known, he seemed to know what he was talking about when he told him that Nikki was in hospital. He must have come to visit her, Victor reasoned, seen the baby and the cast wrapped around her leg, he must know what was wrong with her, what was wrong with them both. So why hadn't Bai at least warned him to tread carefully, to not ask any questions which might make her feel intimidated or uncomfortable? He was going to have to ask him, he reasoned, to establish why he hadn't been prepared, whenever the two of them next met. Victor had only known Bai Lưu for a couple of months, but already he was beginning to get a picture of how their relationship was going to work. You didn't get in contact with Bai Lưu; he contacted you, whenever it suited him, and not a moment sooner. But Victor wasn't going to complain about that, of course, if it wasn't for Bai, god only knew where he would be now.

So what was he going to do about Nikki? Victor sighed; there didn't seem to be any easy solution. And Martha had made her position perfectly clear, a position which he suspected the rest of Nikki's group of friends shared about him, and his visiting rights to his daughter. He supposed he couldn't really blame them, not after his earlier performance. They were only trying to do what was best for her, after all, and he knew she must be in pieces; being sexually assaulted was hardly something you got over quickly. And now she was saddled with a baby, a baby who was going to be a constant reminder of her ordeal, for the rest of her life. Poor Nikki. Why had she kept the baby, why hadn't she just let her go? Victor knew she had said that she would never have dreamed of it, that she loved Joycelin unconditionally, but did she really know what she was doing? How much did she really know about family life? That was his fault, his and Celin's, he supposed, they should have been around more, they should have given her some stability, some sense of what a family really was. Because she couldn't understand that fully; her very decision to keep the baby was a confirmation of that. How long was it going to last? He wondered. How long would it be before she realized the work involved with raising a child, before the novelty wore off and the child began to remind her too much of the father, the… the… the rapist. He could hardly bring himself to say it, the word sounded so harsh and unforgiving, in a way he had never noticed before. Maybe it was because it had never had any meaning to him before, not personally, at least.

So what was he going to do? He would leave it for a few days, Victor decided, that would be best. Yes… he would leave her to brew for a while, let the events of the day sink in, and in a few days' time he would come back, beg her to forgive him. That should work, he told himself. He knew she hated to argue as much as her mother had, and her mother had been awfully forgiving of him when she had wanted to be. He had never actually seen that side of Nikki directed towards him, true, but he was certain it was there, somewhere, hidden within the very depths of her heart. One day, she would find a way to forgive him, for everything. One day soon.


	7. Brave Front

**I hate exams. And revision. And I want them to be over NOW. So I'm taking a break to bring you this :) There's some pretty nasty stuff coming up, so make the most of the fluff while you can! And please leave me lots of lovely reviews, because I'm feeling depressed :(**

**Thanks to Jessica, Em, GemS, Amy, Lizzi and Thyqua for reviewing the last chapter, hope you like this one :)**

**Love Flossie xxx**

**Chapter 6**

**Brave Front**

**Wednesday 17****th**** August 2011**

**-10.11am**

Nikki looked down at Joycelin, fast asleep in her arms, unable to accept what was happening. It was over a week since her father's visit, 10 days to be precise, and things had moved on considerably since then. Nikki was still in hospital; a number of wound infections and her apparent incapability to gain any weight had led to her stay as an in-patient being extended again and again. She hated being in hospital, but she hadn't wasted too much time or energy complaining about it. Because Joycelin was still nowhere near ready to be discharged, and she couldn't bear the thought of leaving her baby all alone in hospital, not in the slightest. And when she was discharged, she wouldn't have a choice.

It was the day they had all been waiting for today, a day which she had been dreading with every bone in her body. It was the day Joycelin was due to have her operation to relocate her knee, and Nikki was struggling with the very idea of it. The doctors had assured her on several occasions that the procedure was perfectly safe, that they would have done it straight away if she had not been so small and fragile when she was born. But now she was just over two weeks old, and doing much better than the doctors had hoped. Because they had known she was going to be born so early the doctors had been able to use steroids to enhance Joycelin's growth before she was even born, and so even though she was still only 31 weeks old, technically at least, they had managed to get her off the ventilator, and she was breathing perfectly well on her own, which was why at last they were prepared to go ahead with the operation.

Nikki knew she should be thankful that it was finally happening, that her daughter was going to be OK, yet still she couldn't shake free from the dark cloud hanging over her. She supposed it stemmed from the fact that she was still blaming herself for Joycelin needing the operation in the first place, for putting her in danger. The doctors had been insisting for weeks, ever since Nikki had been first admitted to hospital, that there was no proof that Joycelin's knee had been dislocated by her fall, but she didn't believe them. She knew in her heart that it was her fault. It was all her fault. She was Joycelin's mother after all, and even though she hadn't been much of one back then, she would have known if her baby was in pain. She would have sensed it; in the way she was coming to realize mothers sensed things, where their children were concerned. She guessed Sara had been right about maternal instinct after all.

Maybe that was what was making her feel so panicked by the mere thought of letting her daughter out of her sight, Nikki mused. She didn't know. All she knew was that she had to hand Joycelin over to the surgical team at 10.15am, and to allow her to be taken away, down into theatre. And she could honestly say that she had never dreaded anything so much in her life.

"She'll be alright you know," Harry told her softly. He was perched on a chair next to her by the window, a slight distance between the two of them. She knew he was still rather wary of coming close when she was with Joycelin, something which he wasn't when he had her to himself. She put it down to him not wanting to impose, not wanting to barge his way in on mother and daughter. Why couldn't he see that she wanted him to be her baby's father, more than anything? But she couldn't be sure, and that was why she didn't want to ask him to be 'dad', not yet. The 2 of them had only been together for just over a week, they hadn't slept together, they hadn't even been on a date, because she was still stuck in hospital. They hadn't even had the slightest taste of family life, and so she still couldn't relax completely, couldn't rest safe in the knowledge that he was never going to leave her. She would give it a few months, and then take another view on it. She didn't have to make a decision straight away.

"I know," she said softly, replying to Harry's earlier statement. "I know. It's just… she's 2 weeks old, that's not old enough to be having an operation. And I just…" she paused; voicing the fear she had been trying and failing to stamp out for months. "I just feel like I've failed."

"Nikki, you haven't failed," Harry sighed, shuffling in closer to wrap his arms around her shoulders. "You haven't failed. Come on, what makes you think that you've failed?"

"Because it's my fault she needs surgery!" Nikki sobbed. "Because if I hadn't been so stupid-"

"Nikki, no," Harry told her firmly, seemingly knowing where she was going with this. "You were upset, and you were bottling everything up to the point where you couldn't even think straight. And you didn't ask to fall, did you, you didn't throw yourself off those rocks deliberately! It wasn't your fault, you didn't hurt Joycelin on purpose. You can't blame yourself Nikki; you're just going to make yourself ill if you keep holding yourself responsible. And she's going to be OK, I promise you. She's going to be fine, and then once she's had this done, it won't be long until we can get both of you out of here. It's going to be OK, I promise. It's going to be OK."

"I know," she said again, looking down at the baby, shifting her slightly in her arms. "But that doesn't make it any easier."

"Of course it doesn't," Harry agreed. "Not yet. But listen, once she's better, once you're out of hospital and back to normal, it will be, Nikki. You're not going to feel like this forever. Now come on, you need to say goodbye to Joycelin, just for a few hours."

The doctors had told them to allow a minimum of 3 hours for the operation; they had little idea how complex the dislocation was going to be to fix, given how small Joycelin still was. So Harry was taking Nikki out of the hospital for the first time in almost 2 months, in an attempt to take her mind off things. They weren't going far afield, just to the nearby shopping mall, but it was still going to be the first time Nikki would be leaving her daughter any further away than 2 floors up of the same building, and she was terrified.

"Are you going to be brave, then?" she asked her daughter softly. "You're going to be really brave for me, aren't you, and Harry and I will come back to get you later. And then you'll feel much better, won't you?" But Joycelin just blinked and shook her head slightly, unaware of what she was doing, but still causing both Harry and Nikki to laugh. "Yes, you will," she insisted. "You will, and then you've only got to roughly double your weight, and we can go home. How hard can that be, hey?"

"You do have high expectations of her, don't you?" Harry laughed. "It's going to take a while for her to double her body weight, you know!"

Nikki shrugged. "I know. But if I let her think I'm expecting it to take a while, where's the incentive to do it quicker?"

Harry rolled his eyes at her light-heartedly. "Poor thing's going to be off to medical school by the time she's 12, isn't she?"

"12? You really think I'm going to leave it that long to send her application form off to Oxford?" she joked. "No, on a serious note, you're going to be brave now, aren't you?" she told Joycelin, seeing one of the nurses appear in the doorway and knowing it was time to hand her daughter over. "And we'll be back for you soon darling, promise."

"You're doing it again," Harry told her, grinning. He had spent the past week teasing her about the twang which crept into her voice whenever she spoke to her daughter.

"Oh, leave me alone!" Nikki protested, kissing her daughter goodbye before handing her over to the nurse. "It's not intentional; I don't know why I'm doing it."

"Ah, so you admit to it now, do you?" Harry teased her, trying to keep Nikki engaged in the conversation as Joycelin was carried out of the room, knowing that she was going to get upset the moment she started thinking about it again, and wanting to delay that for as long as possible. "Well, I know why you're doing it."

"Really?" She looked at him suspiciously. "Why?"

"Because after years of having nobody but us boring Brits for company, you finally have a little South African to talk to, and you don't want her to end up sounding like the queen," he explained, trying to sound as serious as possible, and not quite succeeding.

"Oh come on, I wasn't being mean then!" Harry protested as she hit him lightly on the arm. "I wasn't!"

"Sure you weren't," Nikki laughed, before tensing and glancing at the door, as if finally realizing what had been happening around her, what Harry had been trying so hard to distract her from.

"Harry, I don't want to go through with this anymore!" she said suddenly, her voice shaking as panic began to set in. "She's going to be so scared, she's not old enough to be cut open, it's not-"

"I know, Nikki, I know," Harry sighed, pulling her into a hug, trying to calm her down before she became hysterical. "But we can't leave her with a dislocated knee for the rest of her life, can we? That wouldn't be fair. And the longer we put it off, the more painful it's going to be for Joycelin, and the more complicated resetting it's going to be. I know it's horrible, but it'll all be over in a few hours, and then she'll be almost ready to get out of here, like you said."

"No she won't," Nikki said flatly. "No she won't, and you know it. The doctors aren't going to let her out until she's 6lbs, and she's not even halfway there yet. She's going to be stuck in here for months."

"No she's not," Harry told her firmly. "No she's not, Nikki. Once she's not in so much pain anymore she's going to start feeling so much better, then she'll start eating better and before you know it you'll be taking her home. Now come on, weren't we going out? First time out of hospital in almost 2 months, isn't it? Don't you want to escape?"

She nodded slightly, wiping her tears. "God, I think I might have forgotten what the real world looks like."

"All the more reason to get out of here, then," Harry grinned, trying to get her excited. "Three hours of me, in Cape Town, baby shopping; what could possibly be better? Now come on," he said again, pulling Nikki to her feet and wrapping his arm protectively around her waist as he led her out of the hospital room, suddenly realizing what he was holding in his other hand.

"Nikki? Why am I carrying your drain rack? And your handbag?"

"Because you love me," she explained teasingly. "And because it's not my fault I've still got that bloody thing attached to me!"

"And so it's my fault, is it?"

"Well, no, but you can make me feel better by carrying it for me!"

"Fine, but I'm not carrying your handbag! It'll damage my street cred!"

"Street cred? What street cred? Have you seen that t shirt?"


	8. Distraction

**Here's the next one :) Shopping trip, as requested! Thanks to Thyqua, Lizzi, Dinabar, gemS, Em, & Amy for your reviews- you guys know how much I appreciate it :) Please keep the reviews coming, and the next chapter's coming soon! More Pandora's box very soon too, as soon as I have time to finish it :)**

**Love Flossie xxx**

**Chapter 7**

**Distraction**

**Wednesday 17****th**** August 2011**

**-10.54am**

"Harry?"

"Hmm?"

"Do you think they'd let me try on clothes with this?" Nikki asked hopefully, holding up the tube part of her drain.

Harry rolled his eyes. "Nikki, we're supposed to be baby shopping!"

"I know, I know, but I didn't bring enough clothes for the amount of time I've been here," Nikki explained. "I wasn't… exactly planning on staying out here for this long, was I? So now I need to go clothes shopping."

"Fine, come on then," Harry feigned a sigh, following her into the shop with his arm still around her waist. "I don't know about the trying on, but I suppose if we sneak you into a changing room, they're never going to know, are they? Although why you need any more clothes, I really don't know."

"You can never have too many clothes," Nikki told him, beginning to browse through a rack of dresses. "Don't stray too far; you'll rip the drain out."

"Great," Harry sighed dramatically. "So I'm sentenced to following you around the shops for hours, watching you sort through numerous items of clothing, on the basis that I'm needed to carry your fluid drain. Brilliant. Why on earth did I volunteer for this?"

"I don't know; why did you?" Nikki joked. "You could of course just leave me here, and come and pick me up later, you know."

"No I couldn't; don't be silly," Harry insisted. "This is the first time you've been out of a cramped hospital room in months, and if you think I'm letting you out of my sight Dr Alexander, then you are very much mistaken."

"What, because I might get lost due to the lack of signs along every corridor? I did live here, you know!"

"I know," said Harry. "But this is the first time I've got you out of that horrible place in months, and I intend to make the most of you."

"Even if I drag you clothes shopping?"

"Even if you drag me clothes shopping," Harry confirmed. "But… don't tell Leo I said that, will you?"

"What, because it'll ruin your manly reputation?"

"Exactly."

"Harry, it's not even been an hour yet," Nikki sighed as they left the shop a short while later, Harry now carrying her shopping as well as her drain rack. "I don't know if I can take any more of this."

"Yes, you can," Harry told her firmly. "You can, Nikki, you've just got to hold it together for another 2 hours, and then we can head back over to the hospital. It's going to be fine. Now, we need to go and look at baby clothes, remember? Or Joycelin's going to get fed up of having to wear your old baby clothes out of that box Martha found."

"Hey, what's wrong with that?" Nikki protested. "Although actually… clothes shopping for yourself is great, so clothes shopping for pink baby stuff…"

"Oh god, you're not going to have her in pink from head to toe 24/7 are you?" Harry groaned dramatically. "Poor thing."

"Well, I'm her mother, and I can dress her in what I like!" Nikki told him. "And I'm not going to dress her in pink from head to toe; I might throw some lilac in there too…"

"Nikki?"

"Yes?" Her voice was sounding rather tired now, Harry noted. He was amazed she had lasted this long; she had hardly been out of bed for more than half an hour at a time since she had been admitted to hospital, and her stamina levels must be non-existent. And yet she must have been on her feet for a good hour now. He decided to find a café to take her to as soon as they had finished in the current shop. Otherwise, he suspected Nikki would be fast asleep by the time they got back to the hospital; something which he had a feeling she wouldn't take too well, not if she was asleep when Joycelin came round.

"Can I get this?" Harry held up a small pink blanket with a boarder of purple butterflies around the edge. "I would get it for you, but it might be a bit small, so Joycelin's just going to have to be a butterfly obsessive too."

Nikki paused for a moment, examining it.

"If you're paying," she decided. "I've been on 30% pay for 2 months."

"Oh, just this once, then," Harry told her, guiding her over to the till. "And then we can go and find somewhere to have a drink, and then we probably won't have long before we can head off back. How are you feeling?" he asked, suddenly concerned as he saw Nikki's hand moving to her stomach. "Does it hurt?"

"No more than it did," Nikki told him brightly. "I'm fine."

"Sure you are," Harry sighed, taking the bag off the counter and leading Nikki out of the shop, trying to work out a way to support her a little without making it too obvious. "You must be exhausted. I'll take you for a coffee, come on. There's no point you getting over tired."

"Harry, I'm not an invalid!" she protested angrily, and Harry sighed, knowing he was handling this all wrong.

"Nikki, I know sweetheart, I know," he said gently. "But this is your first time out of hospital in 2 months; it's bound to be a bit tiring, and you need to be alert for when they bring Joycelin out of theatre, don't you? She's going to need her mummy to look after her."

"Because she's going to be in so much pain," Nikki concluded flatly.

"Nikki, no," Harry began, knowing he had gone and got it wrong yet again. "She's going to be fine, that wasn't what I meant. She's just going to need a lot of cuddles and attention, and you're not going to be able to give her that if I've worn you out." He paused, trying to keep the sadness out of his voice. "Unfortunately, I can't have you all to myself anymore."

"Harry," Nikki said softly, as the two of them chose a table outside a small café and sat down. "You know you haven't been replaced, don't you? You're still the most important person in my life; you've just got to share that position. But I love Joycelin in a completely different way to the way I love you, Harry. She can't replace you and you can't replace her; I need you both. I need you both equally; you know that, don't you? And that's never going to change, no matter how old and needy either of you get."

He was left speechless for a moment. How was it that they could read each other's minds like that, somehow able to tell exactly what the other was thinking and know the right thing to say in that very moment?

"Thanks," Harry said simply. He reached out to hold Nikki's hand across the table, trying to show her how grateful he was for those words. He only hoped she got the message.

"I'll get you a coffee," he told her, squeezing her hand gently before standing up. "Usual?"

She nodded, leaning back in her chair slightly and only convincing Harry further that she was in a lot more pain than she was letting on. He sighed, knowing she was never going to admit to it, that Nikki would be denying being in any pain on her death bed. As he stood in the queue to be served he found himself checking his watch for what was quite possibly the 100th time that day. 12.46pm: Joycelin had gone into theatre at around 10.30, so she would be out at roughly 1.30, plus recovery time. He calculated that he and Nikki had about half an hour before they should start thinking about heading back to the hospital. And it was lunchtime; he should probably get them some food. Nikki's doctor had only agreed to let her out of hospital for a few hours on the basis that he made sure she ate properly, and having gotten completely out of the habit over the last few months, he doubted Nikki was going to mention food any time soon. He grabbed a couple of sandwiches and some fruit from the fridge beside the counter as he reached the front of the queue, glancing back over his shoulder quickly to check on Nikki before paying. She looked on-edge, he noticed, but then he had expected that; today wasn't exactly going to be easy for her, not in the slightest. He only hoped she'd start to make more of a recovery once she knew for certain that her daughter was going to be OK.

"Got you some lunch," Harry told her, carrying the tray over to their table and placing it down in front on her. "Take your pick."

She shook her head. "Harry, I'm really not hungry…"

"I know, but you need to eat something," Harry said firmly, determined that he wouldn't be the one to back down. "Come on, even if it's just the sandwich. Or else Joycelin's going to be out of hospital before you are."

Nikki just sighed, taking one of the sandwiches off the tray in defeat. "Do I have to eat all of it?"

"If you want to be discharged, then yes," Harry insisted. "We've got about half an hour until we can head back to the hospital, but we're not going until you've finished eating."

"Yes, Dad," Nikki rolled her eyes, but began to pick at the sandwich all the same. "Who put you in charge, anyway?"

"Actually, Dr Groenewald did," Harry explained. "And Sara says she can be pretty scary when she wants to be, so I don't think I'm going to go against her instructions any time soon."

"Harry, she's not that scary!"

"You would think that, you've broken so many rules in that hospital over the last few weeks that I don't think they've got any new punishments left to use on you!" Harry joked. Then he saw that Nikki wasn't smiling anymore, and leaned over the table to kiss her softly. "It's going to be OK," he promised her. "It's all going to turn out OK in the end, you'll see."


	9. Lost and Found

**Sorry about the wait for this one, guys. I have been battling against GCSEs and dance competitions, plus helping her little sister prepare for her piano exam. So this one's for Julietta, to say sorry for all the times I've shouted at her over the past few days. Hopefully, it'll all be worth it!**

**Thanks to dinabar, Thyqua, heleni0, tigpop, gem S and Em for your reviews, and thanks to Em for getting Sunset in SA up to 550! :) Thanks too to everyone who reviewed Pandora's box, though I'm afraid I don't know who you are or what you said because is being annoying and won't let me see them, I just know there were 6 of you so far. Hopefully I'll be able to read your reviews for this (hint hint!) :)**

**Enjoy,**

**Love Flossie xxx**

**Chapter 8**

**Lost and Found**

**Year of the Rooster**

I wake up late the following morning, exhausted from our expedition the day before. Thanks to the late hour at which we finally decided to stop, our lack of money and Lan's stubborn refusal to trust hotels and hostels, the two of us ended up sleeping in a quiet corner of the market place, hidden out of sight behind a stack of old cardboard boxes. Our surroundings are packed with people now; the market stalls have clearly opened for the day, which means that the owner of the stall covered in the missing posters, my missing posters, will be here. And maybe she can help me get home.

Cautiously, I rub my eyes and peer out over the top of the cardboard boxes, half scared at the strange new world outside, half curious. This is my home, after all, one of my homes. This is where I was born, where my mum grew up, and yet it's all so unfamiliar. I've hardly seen South Africa itself; I know now that the first 3 years of my life spent out here were lived in a labyrinth of underground rooms, locked away from the rest of the world.

But somehow it all seems rather intimidating as I look out from my hiding place. The market square is so crammed with visitors that it looks almost impossible to move, to the point that people seem to be swept along from stall to stall, instead of moving where they choose. There are a number of children there, some who look about the same age as me, but they are all with their parents, holding their mothers' hands tightly as they walk past. I can't even remember a time when I went out with my mum; my only memories of her are in that small white room, mostly dominated by sadness and fear of the inevitable. Maybe it was never a normal mother-daughter relationship, I don't know. But it's better than staying with _him_, anything is. I'd rather take a chance with a parent I can only half remember than stay with him.

"Joycelin?"

Lan is awake now, sitting up behind me amidst the cardboard boxes, yawning tiredly. It's only then that I start to wonder how old she is; either she's much younger than she looks, or the trek we both embarked out yesterday must have worn her out, big time. Watching her now, I suspect it's the latter. But I don't know anything about Lan, not really. I just know that she seems to have my best interests at heart; that she seems to want to help me find my mum. Maybe that's all I need to know.

Lan is fumbling in her purse now, pulling out a few rand notes.

"You remember where that stall was, don't you?" she says, holding out the money for me to take. "Go over there, see what it's selling. Get some breakfast if you can. Take your bag with you; you probably won't be coming back here, not if it all works out." She sighs now, leaning over to tuck a loose strand of hair behind my ear.

"I guess this is goodbye, then," she says softly, pulling me into a hug.

"You're not coming with me?"

"Josi, I can't," she sighs again. "They'll lock me up for my part in all this, you know. I deserve to be locked up, I know that, but I can't help get the Phoenix Movement away from you for good from in prison, can I? So you've got to go by yourself. But it's going to be OK Joycelin, I promise. It's all going to be alright now. All you've got to do is turn up at that stall, they'll recognise you, and by the looks of things they'll be able to take you straight back to your mum or to some other family out here if she's in London at the moment. And the police won't be involved, that's what the posters said. It's all going to work out, it really is. You just won't see me again."

"I won't forget you," I promise, suddenly emotional at the thought of all Lan's done for me, all the risks she's taken just to get me home. "Thank you."

"Joycelin, don't thank me," Lan responds darkly, "The last thing you should be doing is thanking me. Now come on, go."

It's not the easiest thing in the world to find your way through a busy crowd when you're half the size of all the other people in it, particularly when you're by yourself, but I get there eventually. Everything looks very different in daylight; the stalls have all been opened up and a vast selection of colourful items is displayed across them, creating a rainbow effect across the square. It takes me a while to get my bearings, but after a few moments of looking around frantically, I see the stall Lan and I noticed the night before and make my way over, trover, trying to ignore the fear that's beginning to set in. I'm about to put all of my trust into someone I don't even know, someone who could be almost as dangerous as the Phoenix Movement, for all I know. What if they don't want to help me at all? What if they're part of the Phoenix Movement, and it's all some kind of elaborate trick to lure me back to them? But that's just a risk I have to take, I realize, approaching the stall as close as I dare. Anything's better than staying here. Anything.

"Can I help?" comes a voice in Afrikaans from above the counter; a woman's voice. She peers down over the edge to see me, and our eyes lock, staring at each other over a selection of carved wooden animals laid out neatly on the counter. And then she stares at me, the woman, a shocked expression on her face. She just keeps on staring.

I haven't seen her before, I'm almost certain of that. She's an African woman a little younger than Lan, wide eyed and with a calm air about her, like she's seen terrible things in her lifetime but tries to not let them get to her. But the way she's looking at me now, so disbelieving and welcoming, it's hard to believe we haven't met before.

"Josi?" she says softly, glancing from one of the missing posters to the side of her stall to my face and back again, before pulling back the curtain at the side of her stall and gesturing for me to come inside. And so with one last look back at the corner with the cardboard boxes, at Lan's hiding place, I step through the curtain, into a different life altogether. Another step closer towards the life I was meant to have.


	10. A revelation

**Chapter 9 :) This one's kind of half fluff, half angst- it should make sense as you read it. Thanks to Thyqua, gemS, Amy, Lizzi and Em for your reviews of the last chapter, you guys are the reason this story is still going! :) And as for whether it was Martha in the last chapter… well, I'm not going to tell you just yet! You'll have to wait until the next year of the rooster chapter ;) So in the meantime, hope you enjoy this one, and please review! **

**Love Flossie xxx**

**Chapter 9**

**A Revelation**

**Wednesday 17****th**** August 2011**

**-1.43pm**

"Is she alright?"

Those were the first words to escape Nikki's lips as she and Harry entered the corridor outside the recovery room, and saw the surgeon she knew to have been operating on her daughter heading towards her. The fear within her was reaching breaking point now, leaving her hardly able to focus on anything else. She just wanted to know that her baby was going to be OK; that was all she wanted. And she wouldn't be able to relax until she was given that information.

"She's fine," the surgeon assured her. "She's absolutely fine; the operation was a complete success. We've managed to reset her knee completely so she shouldn't have any further problems with it, and she's just starting to come round now, I think. She's going to have a plaster cast for about 6 weeks, and she'll be allowed to go home as soon as she's weighing about 6 lbs, like we discussed. Do you want to come in and see her?"

Nikki just nodded frantically, grabbing Harry's hand and pulling him into the recovery room after her, scanning it for a moment until she saw her daughter's name on the side of one of the cots, and then curled up on the chair beside it, peering over the edge. Her baby lay flat on her back in the middle of the cot, a drowsy look on her face and her eyes fluttering slightly, as though she were just starting to come round, in a sort of limbo state between sleep and consciousness. Nikki dropped her hand over the side of the cot and laid her little finger across the baby's small palm, breathing a soft sigh of relief as Joycelin's fingers curled slowly around her own, squeezing it in a weak yet somehow definite grasp. But then the baby's eyes began to open properly, and she looked up sleepily at her mother for a moment, before promptly screwing up her face and beginning to wail, a weak, pained cry that just about broke her mother's heart clean in two.

"Hey, hey, it's alright," Nikki told her soothingly, slipping her spare hand underneath her daughter's body and picking her up, lifting her out of the cot gently and cradling her to her chest. "It's all alright now, darling, I promise. Sh, it's alright."

But Joycelin just carried on screaming, as if trying to tell her mother that it wasn't alright, that it hurt more than it had before and she was fed up with it.

"I know, I know, it hurts," Nikki sighed, lifting her up onto her shoulder and patting her back gently. "But it's going to get better now, sweetheart, it's going to get much, much better, and then we can go home, can't we? It's all OK now. Come on darling, you're going to set me off in a minute," she whispered, hoping Harry wouldn't hear. "Look, at least they've taken you off all those horrible wires now, haven't they? It could be worse, couldn't it? Come on, you need to calm down a bit for me now, or you're going to get yourself into a state." She caressed her daughter's back a little, finally relaxing as Joycelin began to calm down. "Good girl. Good girl, you're being so brave, aren't you?" she said softly. "So, so brave. And it's all going to be OK very soon, I promise. No more operations, not too much longer in hospital, and then as soon as you're well enough to travel you can come home with Harry and me. And we can come back to visit everyone, can't we?" she continued. "And when you're older, when I tell you about this, you'll laugh at how hysterical I was about this whole thing, won't you? You won't believe how silly I was being."

Nikki turned back to Harry now, holding the baby out to him.

"She's OK," she told him, almost disbelievingly. "She's OK."

"Told you she would be," Harry smiled. "Can I… are you sure?"

"Harry, don't be silly, of course I'm sure," Nikki laughed, letting him take Joycelin from her. "You're my boyfriend now, remember? I think you're allowed to hold my daughter."

"Thanks." He looked down at Joycelin, watching her yawn slightly. "How are you then? A bit better, hmm? I'm telling you, Joycelin, you have no idea how worried your mummy's been about you, have you? No idea. I think she's not going to let you out of her sight until you're about 40, you know."

He was expecting a punch and a complaint, but Nikki just reached over and leant into his side, allowing her daughter to grab a handful of her hair.

"Can we just stay here forever?"

"Forever?" Harry smiled, confused, looking down at her. "Why on earth do you want to stay in a hospital recovery room forever?"

"Because it's so perfect," Nikki told him quietly. "Because for the first time in years, quite possibly my whole life, I just feel like everything's finally fallen into place. And I don't want this to change."

"It won't," Harry assured her. "It really, really won't. I love you, Nikki Alexander; I love you both. You're not getting rid of me that easily."

"I know," she said softly, sitting up slightly and leaning in for a kiss. "I love you too. Always."

They stayed like that for a while, curled up next to each other, taking comfort in simply feeling like a family, a proper one, in feeling safe and protected and loved for all eternity.

"We should probably go and phone the others," Nikki said after a while, pulling away and taking Joycelin back from Harry as she began to wriggle restlessly. "They'll want to know she's OK. And I think she wants feeding."

"You sort Joycelin out, I'll go," Harry decided. "I need to speak to my mum, anyways- I haven't phoned her in a while," he added sheepishly.

"Harry Cunningham, you're hopeless," Nikki sighed. "Go and phone the others, then. And update your mother while you're at it. And can you ask one of the nurses for a syringe on your way out?"

"So many demands," Harry said sarcastically. "Right, I'm going, I'm going! See you in a bit!"

**Wednesday 17****th**** August 2011**

**-10.25pm**

"I'm coming!" Victor Alexander called as he made his way to the front door, knowing full well who it would be. There was only one person prone to calling on him at this time of night. And it was a person for whom he had a number of questions, not all of them particularly nice ones. He wasn't going to miss the chance to ask them.

"Bai," he said blankly as he pulled open the door, determined not to give away even the faintest trace of emotion, not yet. "It's been a while. How have you been?"

"Oh, fine," Bai said idly, gesturing towards the inside of the house. Mind if I come in? Only there's something I need to talk to you about, and I'd prefer to not do it on the doorstep."

"Not at all," Victor told him wearily, moving aside to allow the older man to follow him into the living room. "So what was it you wanted to talk to me about?"

"Well, two things really," Bai began. "I take it you've been to see Nikki?"

"Yes. Actually, I wanted to talk to you about that," Victor explained, as casually as he could manage. "Why didn't you…?"

"Why didn't I tell you she'd been raped?" Bai asked. "Yes… I knew it was only a matter of time before you asked me that question. Partly because Nikki wouldn't have wanted me to tell you."

"OK, that makes sense, I suppose," Victor sighed. "So what about the other part?"

"Well, that happens to be to do with the matter I came here today to discuss with you, Mr Alexander. It's to do with my work, believe it or not."

"Your work?" Victor frowned. "I don't understand."

"I know you don't. So let me explain. You see, Mr Alexander, you never did ask me what I do for a living, did you? You just trusted me."

"Shouldn't I have?"

"I'll let you be the judge of that. Mr Alexander, I work for an organisation called the Phoenix Movement. I doubt you've heard of it."

Victor shook his head. "No."

"I'm not surprised. Very few people know about it. It's something of a secret. I'll give you the brief version: the group was founded in 1975; the very day the city of Saigon fell to the North Vietnamese communist army, in fact. Are you familiar with the Vietnam war, Mr Alexander?"

"A little," Victor told him. "The communist North defeated the capitalist South, and it all became one country, is that right?"

"Essentially, yes. I was born in the South; I fought on the side of the Southern army right until the end. I was there the day Saigon fell, I watched, and knew my country was gone forever. You see, my organisation and I believe communism is evil, Mr Alexander. We believe communism is evil and must be crushed, not matter what the cost. We believe that the people held under it must be set free.

"Communism has collapsed over the years, of course. But it still remains in one part of the world, as repressive as ever, and the people there live terrible lives. You know where I'm talking about, I presume?"

"North Korea?"

"That's right," Bai nodded. "North Korea remains, held under a dictatorship, with no hope for the people. At least, not until the Phoenix Movement became involved. We travelled to the Chinese/North Korean border shortly after the fall of Saigon, and we set up a base there. We tried all sorts of things to get as many people out as possible- defectors- but it was dangerous work, and those people lived terrible lives even when they escaped, as technically, they didn't exist. As time went on, it became clear that we needed to shoot down the government completely, to bring in democracy and freedom to the people. But it seemed an impossible task. That was, until we met our leader.

"Our new leader came in the form of a North Korean we rescued from one of the country's main industrial cities, Chongjin. In brief, he came up with a plan, a plan to get right to the heart of the imperial palace and destroy the leaders of that dictatorship, setting the people free. But there was a flaw; we couldn't do it ourselves. We needed children.

"We tried for years, but no matter how we prepared them, none of the children we selected were up to the task. Are you shocked, Mr Alexander?" Bai asked, seeing the look on Victor's face. "Well, you know something? So am I.

"So our leader, the defector, came up with a new part of the plan. I was the best they had; I could have carried out the mission if only it didn't have to be a child. So the defector told me that he needed my child. He said I should go away for a few years, 4, at the most, and at the end of the time I should come back with a biological child, ready for training for his mission. This was in December, last year." Bai paused now, watching Victor intently.

"You don't remember me, do you?"

"Remember you?" Victor asked, thinking frantically. "Where do I know you from?"

"I lived next door to you, remember? You and Celin, when Nikki was growing up?"

And suddenly, Victor's mind began to race.

"_Do you want to hear about how he was someone you would have known, if only you'd been a better father?" _That's what his daughter had said._ "Do you want to hear that the man who raped your daughter lived next door for years during her childhood, but you never met him, probably never even heard of him, because you were always at bloody work? That he came and hunted me down years later, tricked me into taking him home and proceeded to rape me in my own home?"_

"You bastard!" he yelled, enraged. "You sick bastard!"


	11. Normaility

**1 more exam and then I'm free! So I thought I'd give you this tonight to celebrate :) Big hugs to heleni0, Lizzi, starr123, Em, Thyqua, GemS, Amy, and dinabar for reviewing, love you all :) **

**Dinabar- don't worry, I haven't written the nasty bits yet, but I'm not planning to make them too nasty, as I don't think I would cope with it either! However, if any particularly nasty chapters do get written then they won't be ones essential to the plot so they won't have to be read, and I'll warn you all in advance so anyone who doesn't want to read horrible bits can skip :)**

**Let me know what you think, and as ever, hope you like :)**

**Love Flossie xxx**

**Chapter 10**

**Normality**

**Wednesday 17****th**** August 2011**

**-10.45pm**

"It was you, wasn't it?" Victor shouted, enraged. "It was you, it was you all along! Is this why you got in contact with me? Because you… because you raped my daughter? What is this; are you stalking my family or something? You planned this all along, didn't you, you planned to get Nikki bloody pregnant so you could break her heart and run off with her baby?" All his doubts about Nikki's ability to raise the child and not to fall to pieces about the rap part of the equation were not relevant; all that mattered was that Bai had just implied that he'd attacked his daughter specifically in the hope that she would end up pregnant, so that he could take the child for his own selfish gain. And he was furious.

"No! OK, so yes, but I'm not exactly doing it out of choice!" Bai shout back angrily. "Quite the contrary, in fact! But it's this or die, and I'm not ready to die yet!"

"You you're going to let someone else die instead? You're going to kidnap my granddaughter, and then take her to one of the most repressive countries in the world on a bloody suicide mission! How is that fair? She's just a baby, for god's sake, what's she ever done to anyone?"

"Nothing," Bai admitted wearily. "That's sort of the point."

"That's the point?" Victor exploded. "That's the point? You really are an evil bastard, aren't you? And to think, I trusted you! I trusted you, but you'd already betrayed that trust, you'd done it months ago! I'm calling the police!" he decided, standing up and preparing to make his way to the phone. "I'm calling the police, and I'm telling them everything! There's no way I'm letting you get away with this, no way!"

"No, that's where you're wrong, actually," Bai told him calmly, reaching into his jacket pocket. "You see, not only are you going to let me get away with taking the baby, my baby," he announced, pulling out a pistol and aiming it at his host. "You're going to help me do it. Now Mr Alexander, you've got two choices. Either you come with me now, quietly, or I'll have no choice but to dispose of you. So which is it to be?"

**Sunday 28****th**** August 2011**

**-9.02am**

She was fast asleep when Harry arrived to visit her that morning, curled up on her side buried under the covers, as if trying to hide from the world and what she knew was going to happen next. He sighed, knowing today was going to be hard for her, possibly harder than the day of Joycelin's operation, but knowing at the same time that there was nothing he could do to make it better. He wished he could make all the pain go away, yet that wasn't going to be possible. All he could do was try to ease it a little.

"Nikki," he said softly, sitting down on the chair next to the bed. "Nikki, come on, wake up."

But she didn't stir; just continued to sleep soundly, shifting slightly in her sleep. Harry couldn't help but watch her for a moment, taking in how peaceful she looked. He could quite easily watch her sleep all day, he decided, observing the soft smile on her face as she rested, but he knew he couldn't. The longer he left getting her out of hospital, the worse it was going to be.

"Niks, come on," he said again, louder this time, shaking her shoulders slightly. "It's time to wake up now sweetheart."

"No it's not," Nikki groaned sleepily, rolling over and burying her head in the pillow. "Too early."

"It's 9 in the morning," Harry told her, amused, wrapping his arms around her torso gently and rolling her over, pressing a kiss to her lips. "We've got to get you out of here by 11, remember?"

"Don't remind me," she moaned, rubbing her eyes and yawning. "Harry, I don't want to go."

"You don't want to leave hospital after being stuck in it for 2 ½ months? Have you heard yourself?"

"Of course I want to get out of hospital," Nikki sighed, sitting up slowly. "But that's not the point. If me getting discharged means that Josi has to stay here on her own, then I'd rather stay here."

"She's going to be out soon, Nikki," Harry promised her, studying her face more closely. "You look exhausted."

"I was up half the night with Joycelin; she didn't want to sleep," Nikki explained. "She finally dropped off at about 5 in the morning, so I've only been asleep a few hours."

"Well, she is 4 weeks old Niks, she probably hasn't got the hang of normal sleep patterns yet," Harry replied, leaning over the side of Joycelin's cot. "She's fast asleep now, anyway. Now come on, you need to get up. You can always go back to sleep for a while at Sara's, I'm sure no one will mind."

Nikki just nodded wearily, brushing a handful of hair out of her eyes and kicking her legs over the side of the bed.

"I'm going in the shower, that might wake me up a bit," she announced. "Can you keep an eye on Joycelin for me? She might wake up hungry at some point, but I'll sort her out when I'm out the bathroom, OK?"

"Yep, sure," Harry responded. "We'll be fine, don't worry. And you know where I am if you need me." He was conscious that she still wasn't well despite her constant insistence that she was, but he knew better than to push the matter. Seven years of experience had taught him that pushing Nikki to confess to something which made her feel weaker and more exposed than she was comfortable with was never, ever a good idea.

Now sat alone in her hospital room, ready to move on at least a little from what hadn't exactly been the easiest chapter in their lives, Harry found himself beginning to think about their future together. He and Nikki hadn't even begun to talk about what would happen when they got home; he supposed current events had been so dominant in their minds that they hadn't had the time or the energy to plan ahead. As far as he knew, Nikki hadn't even talked to Leo about maternity leave yet, something which was definitely going to need to be sorted sooner or later. He knew she hadn't used any of it so far; Leo had persuaded the coroner to sign her off until the beginning of October on the basis that she hadn't actually been due to give birth until then, and what with her physical and mental condition technically she was in no fit state to work, it just so happened that she wasn't going to be working for a few months anyway, due to now having a baby to look after. Harry wasn't sure that was exactly how the system was supposed to work, and had told Leo so, but his friend had simply replied that Nikki had been dragged through hell and back, normally put her heart and soul into her work, and he wasn't going to have half of her maternity leave used up before she and Joycelin were even out of hospital. It wasn't the first time Harry had been grateful for the fact that he and Nikki were such good friends with their boss.

So all that meant, Harry mused, that once they got home, Nikki had a year's worth of leave from work, though he very much doubted she was going to manage to stay away from the Lyell Centre for that long. Although he couldn't see her leaving Joycelin with a child minder… he didn't know. He was going to have to discuss it with her, find out what she had planned. And then there was the matter he was cautious to approach for fear of being turned down, and that was moving in together. The two of them hadn't even been together for a month, but already Harry was certain that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with Nikki. The more he thought about it, the more he realized they had been acting like a couple for months, maybe even years, before they had finally admitted it to themselves. The next logical step was to move in together; if nothing else, Nikki was still far from back to normal and he didn't know how she was going to cope once she was home, looking after Joycelin as well as keeping on top of everything else, especially as she was likely to be getting very little in the way of sleep for the next few months. If they were living together, he could help out: he could do some of the night feeds, help keep on top of the housework, make sure she was looking after herself as well as Joycelin. Not to mention that he would be with her 24/7, something which had become incredibly appealing after weeks of only being able to see Nikki during hospital visiting hours. But it wasn't that simple. Harry would propose to Nikki that she and Joycelin move in with him, but his flat was very much a bachelor pad, plus it only had one bedroom. Nikki's flat, in comparison, was closer to the Lyell Centre and to Leo and Janet's, had 2 spare bedrooms (why she needed such a large flat for one person, Harry didn't know, but now her circumstances had changed considerably he wasn't complaining) and was over the road from a park. So it made much more sense for him to move in with Nikki. Except that he couldn't invite himself to move in with her; that would be incredibly awkward. He was just going to have to wait until she asked him to move in, Harry sighed to himself. Or else turn up on her doorstep and just never head home again, he mused, like Nikki had done at the Lyell Centre. Although he doubted anyone but Nikki would ever be able to pull something like that off.

He was distracted from his thoughts by a soft whimpering from the cot beside Nikki's bed, a whimpering which quickly developed into full on wailing.

"Hey, what's wrong, then?" Harry asked softly in his 'baby voice', leaning over to lift Joycelin out of the cot, remembering what Nikki had said before disappearing into the bathroom.

"Are you hungry? Hmm? I can't help you there, I'm afraid, we're going to have to wait for Mummy to get out the shower to sort you out, aren't we? She won't be long though, you've just got to wait for a few minutes. It's OK, don't cry," he told the baby desperately, as the wailing only increased in volume. "Don't get yourself in a state, or when your mummy gets out the bathroom I'll be in big trouble. Look," he reached into the cot and pulled out the elephant toy, moving it towards Joycelin and pausing for a moment as she looked up to study it, before tapping her gently on the nose with the trunk and chuckling to himself as she blinked, confused, but thankfully stopped crying.

"Joycelin!" Harry called gently, getting her attention as he tapped her nose with the elephant again. "Are you going to smile for Uncle Harry? Actually no, don't smile; I think Mummy would rather be here for your first smile. You can stay nice and calm though, I'm sure Mummy wouldn't mind you staying nice and calm for me. Shall we go again?" he asked, holding out the elephant once more, just as the bathroom door opened, and Nikki emerged.

"Having fun?" she asked, sitting down on the edge of the bed and beginning to towel dry her hair.

"Yep, we're fine, Harry told her, dropping the elephant and holding Joycelin out to her. "She does need feeding though I think, she's a bit grouchy."

"Grouchy? Are you calling my daughter grouchy?" Nikki asked, feigning annoyance as she reached out to take her daughter from him. "You're not grouchy, are you sweetheart?"

"She's not now she knows you're going to feed her!" Harry protested. "Anyway, has she been weighed this morning?"

Nikki nodded. "4 pounds exactly. Only another 2 to go and then we can get her out of here. And that's 2 in a month, so hopefully we'll be able to take her home by the end of September. Although how we're going to survive an 11 hour flight with a 2 month old, I really don't know."

"We?" Harry asked teasingly. "Leo, Janet and I were planning on booking a 3 and a 1 seats-wise, that way we don't have to put up with the screaming. Oh, I'm joking, of course we won't leave you by yourself, I'll help with her."

"Really?" Nikki smiled at him. "Well in that case, you can start now by burping her for me while I get dressed. There's a cloth on the side."

"Oh great, so I get all the horrible jobs you don't want to do, is that right?"

"You bet it is!"


	12. Back to Reality

**I'm sorry, I meant to have this up hours ago, but I've been busy celebrating the end of GCSEs! :) Now all I have to do is wait for the results- uh oh :(**

**I'm not sure if I'm completely happy with this chapter, but never mind. I've started moving a bit quicker now, so the action is coming up fairly soon, hence the bigger time frames between the next couple of chapters. Anyways, thank you so much to Dinabar, Amy, Lizzi, Thyqua, GemS and Em for your reviews, love you all :) Review this one for me too? :)**

**Love Flossie xxx**

**Chapter 11**

**Back to Reality**

**Sunday 28****th**** August 2011**

**-11.22am**

Harry held onto Nikki tightly as he led her out of the hospital entrance, still feeling strangely protective over her. He had insisted on carrying her bags, saying she hadn't complained about it on their shopping trip, and after 7 years it had become something of a habit. They were being picked up by Sara and Pieter and taken back to theirs for lunch; Harry was hoping that Nikki would feel obliged to eat the majority of her food if it was her friend who was cooking. And he also had a feeling that Nikki was going to need all the distraction she could get today, possibly for the next month.

"I think they said they'd part just down here," Harry told her, steering her towards the side car park. "Although they've probably given up and gone home by now, after the amount of time it took you to pack."

"It didn't take me that long!" Nikki protested. "And anyway, I didn't bring any of that stuff into the hospital; you did, so technically, it was your packing to do, not mine!"

"Oh great, thanks!" Harry responded, pulling her slightly closer as they began their decent down the steps into the car park, aware that she was wearing a pair of impossibly high heels for the first time in 2 months, and not sure quite how good her balance was. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have brought you so many books, I should have let you die of boredom instead."

"No, you should have just packed for me!"

"What am I, your slave? Look, there they are," Harry said triumphantly, having finally spotted Sara's car amongst a sea of vehicles. "Is it nice to be out?"

"Suppose," Nikki replied quietly, causing Harry to let out a silent groan, wondering how bad she was going to be later on if she was already in a state before they had even left the hospital.

"She'll be fine," he promised her, squeezing her shoulder. "She'll be fine Nikki, I promise. And we can come back to see her again tomorrow morning, can't we? She's going to be fine until then."

"But what if she gets upset? They've got so many babies up in intensive care that the nurses won't have enough time to give them all much attention; what if she gets all upset, she's going to be crying all by herself and she'll think I've abandoned her-"

"Do she won't, Nikki, of course she won't," Harry sighed, steering her over towards Sara, who had climbed out of the car to greet them. "Come on, you're just going to work yourself up into a state, and that's not going to achieve anything, is it? Joycelin's going to be absolutely fine, and if there are any problems, then the hospital are going to phone. It's going to be fine."

"Morning you two!" Sara called, walking over to greet them and wrapping her arms around Nikki. "How are you feeling, Niks?" she asked softly. "Holding it together?"

"Trying," Nikki replied quietly, looking down at the floor. "I don't think I'm doing too well, though."

"Well it's going to be hard at first, no one can blame you for that," Sara assured her. "But it'll get easier. And you'll be taking Josi home before you know it, won't you? How's she doing, by the way?"

"She's fine," Nikki told her as they stepped into the car, Harry sitting in the front with Pieter with Nikki and Sara in the back. "She's 4 pounds now, so she only needs another 2 before she can come home. And the doctors have been able to lower her dosages of painkillers because her knee's starting to heal."

"Well, that's fantastic!" Pieter called from the front. "You'll have her home in no time."

"That's what I keep telling, her," Harry said, turning round to check on Nikki. She seemed to have calmed down a little, he noticed, which could only be a good sign.

"Oh, Leo and Janet got their phone call this morning," Sara announced, regaining Harry's attention. That must have been the adoption phone call; Leo and Janet had been waiting all week for a phone call from their adoption agency, giving them a date to go and pick up Jasper from Vietnam.

"Have they got a date now?"

"20th October, I think. It's all so exciting!" Sara said happily. "Niks has Joycelin, and Leo and Janet are going to have Jasper, god, it's enough to make me want one!"

"You've already got one," Pieter reminded her. "3 in fact."

"Ah, but they're all teenagers, or nearly teenagers, they're getting to the stage where mum and dad are just plain embarrassing," Sara explained. "They're not cute anymore."

"And I'm sure your three would love to hear you say that!" Harry laughed.

"They won't care, they've said worse about us, haven't they Pieter? Have I told you what Ethan wrote about us in his 'My Family homework'? The cheek of it!"

It had been a relatively successful day, Harry mused later, stepping out of Martha's bathtub several hours later. His plan had worked, and Nikki had ended up eating most of her lunch out of sheer politeness, plus Sara's kids had kept her mind off her baby for the most part of the day. Leo and Janet were ecstatic now they finally had a date to go and collect their son, and thankfully the 20th October was far enough in advance for them to get organised for their trip once they had all flown home. And that would help with Nikki's fears about Joycelin growing up surrounded by adults as she had done; Jasper and Joycelin were going to have each other for company.

"Niks, can I come in?" Harry called through the door of Martha's spare room a few minutes later. The two of them might be in a relationship, but they had never so much as shared the same bed before, and he suddenly felt rather nervous about walking in on her. Maybe it was because he knew Nikki was still fragile from the assault and didn't want to alarm her, or make her feel uncomfortable in any way. It was still going to be a while before she was back to her normal self and Harry knew it; maybe she would never be quite the same again. But that was OK. As long as she recovered, that was OK.

"Yep, it's fine!" Nikki replied, distracting Harry from his thoughts. He pushed open the door and stepped into the room, finding Nikki already curled up under the covers, her face a picture of exhaustion. They had done a bedroom swap; before, Harry had been sleeping on the sofa and Leo and Janet had been in the spare room, but they had insisted that Harry and Nikki take the bed when Nikki finally got discharged from hospital.

"Tired?" Harry asked, crossing the room and climbing in on the other side of the bed, glancing over at Nikki before turning off the light.

"Pretty tired, yes."

"Get some sleep," Harry told her, pulling her towards him slowly and wrapping his arms around her, waiting to check she wasn't flinching before kissing the top of her head gently. "Listen, Leo, Janet and I are working tomorrow, but Martha's going to be here all day, and she can take you up to the hospital to see Joycelin. I'll try not to wake you on the way out, OK?"

"Can't I come in with you?"

"Nikki, you've only just been discharged from hospital; I don't think you're quite ready to go back to work yet, are you?" Harry said gently, stroking her hair. "And once Joycelin's out of hospital, you're not going to want to work, are you? Now come on, you need to get some sleep, I know you're exhausted."

Harry was woken in the middle of the night by a faint sobbing, and something shaking against his chest. Groggily, he opened his eyes, becoming slowly aware that it was Nikki, trembling in his arms as her body shook with sobs. Was it the rape she was dreaming about, or was it guilt about having left her daughter at the hospital? Whichever it was, it was clearly leaving her distraught.

"Nikki, it's alright," he whispered, hoping to calm her down without actually waking her. "It's all OK sweetheart, I promise. It's all OK."

"You're hurting me!" she protested, beginning to kick out at him, confirming Harry's suspicions that she was reliving _that night_. "Please…"

"Sh, it's just a dream," Harry said softly, letting go of Nikki reluctantly as he realized it was probably his arms around her that was scaring her. "It's just a bad dream Nikki, that's all, he can't hurt you anymore. I won't let him hurt you," he promised, reaching out to take her hand and letting out a sigh of relief when she didn't protest. "He's not here anymore Nikki, he's gone. He's not coming back, you're perfectly safe. Perfectly safe. I love you," he whispered into her hair. "I love you more than anything Nikki Alexander; I'm going to protect you from him, whatever it takes. He's not going to hurt you again."

She calmed down eventually, curling up into his chest, half burrowed under the duvet. It was a while before Harry went back to sleep, however. He was terrified at the mere thought of Nikki having another nightmare, of him not realizing and leaving her at the mercy of her demons. While he was awake he could watch over her, calm her down when it all got too much for her. And that, Harry decided, was a thousand times more important than getting some sleep himself.


	13. Freedom

**Only a few more chapters now before something pretty major happens, and I think you all know what that is! Thanks to Dinabar, Lizzi, Amy, gemS, Heleni0 and Em for your lovely reviews- you guys have literally inspired me to write about 3 chapters today :) There's more Pandora's Box coming your way very soon, and anyone who hasn't read 'school reports' yet, go ahead and check it out, it's especially dedicated to anyone who's just emerged from a long tunnel of exams/other horrible stuff :) And Dinabar- glad you picked up on that!**

**R and R please, and I promise to update soon if I get lots of reviews :)**

**Love Florencia xxx**

**Chapter 12**

**Freedom**

**Thursday 22****nd**** September 2011**

**-11.43am**

"Morning, angel," Nikki greeted her daughter, leaning over to lift her out of the incubator. "How are you, then? You being good? Hey? You going to smile for me?" Joycelin had smiled for the first time earlier in the week, something which had since been fully documented by Harry and his new video camera.

"Good girl!" she said encouragingly as she was met with a smile from her daughter. "Aren't you clever, hey? Are you going to smile for your grandma?" she asked, holding her daughter out to Martha, having noticed one of the doctors beckoning her from the other side of the room. "I'll be back in a minute," she told her, before crossing the room to speak to him.

"What is it?"

"I need to speak to you about Joycelin," the doctor explained. "No, it's nothing bad, don't worry," he added quickly, seeing the worried look on Nikki's face. "She's doing fine. In fact, she's doing better than fine, that's what I wanted to talk to you about. She's still not quite 6 pounds, but she's doing much better than we all thought. So I've spoken to some of my colleagues, and we've decided you can take her home today. She's going to have to come back in for check-ups, we can't take the cast off her knee for another week or so and we'll have to access her later to determine whether she's well enough to fly back to England, but for now she's fine to be discharged."

"She's…" Nikki stopped, speechless. "You're letting me take her home? Thank you!"

"You're welcome," the doctor smiled. "Are you going to take her now, or do you want to come back to pick her up later?"

"I'll take her now," Nikki said firmly. "I'll take her home now, there's no point coming back. Thank you, again," she said, barely able to contain her excitement as she crossed the room back over to Martha and her daughter.

"Good news?" Martha asked, studying Nikki's face for an answer.

"Brilliant," Nikki said happily. "The doctors say she can be discharged, as of now."

"That's fantastic!" Martha exclaimed. So she can come home with us now?"

"Yep, that's what they said. Although I think it's going to take a while to collect up all your things, isn't it?" she said, addressing the baby now. "I think you've managed to spread yourself all across this room." She turned to one of the nurses. "You don't happen to have a plastic bag I could use, do you? Only I'm not sure how I'm going to get all this lot home without one."

"I'm sure I can find one," the nurse smiled. "Congratulations, by the way. I know you've been waiting for this for a while."

"You could say that," Nikki agreed. "But she's definitely worth it, aren't you?" she looked back over at Joycelin, asleep in her grandmother's arms.

"Martha, do you mind holding onto her for me while I gather her things together?"

"Course I don't, she's no trouble," Martha insisted.

"You would say that, you're not the one who's going to be up with her all night for the next 6 months!"

"Well she is only a baby Niks, what do you expect of her? And she can't be as bad as you were at getting off to sleep, anyway! I think your poor mother was on the brink of despair when you were Josi's age!"

"Oh, please don't say that refusing to sleep runs in the family, I was counting on her starting to establish some kind of pattern soon!" Nikki sighed jokingly, folding a pile of pink baby clothes and placing them in the bin bag the nurse had just handed her. "God, I can't wait to get her out of here. Almost 2 months old and yet she's never been out of hospital, it's enough to make anyone depressed, poor thing."

"Not if you don't know what you're missing," Martha pointed out. "She's never been out of hospital, so she doesn't know how much better the real world is. You can't miss something you've never experienced."

"True," Nikki said thoughtfully. "Although even to someone who's never left a hospital, having needles stuck in you 24/7 can't be much fun." She stopped, looking around the room. "Can you see anything else pink with butterflies all over it? Because chances are, it's Josi's and I've forgotten to pick it up."

Martha scanned the room quickly, aware that Nikki was desperate to get out of the hospital as quickly as possible, perhaps fearing that the doctors would change their minds were she to linger too long.

"No, I don't think so. Have you got the elephant? That's the most important thing."

Nikki nodded. "First thing to go in the bag." She slung the bin bag over her arm and took Joycelin back from Martha, sitting her up in the crook of her arm and watching her as she blinked up at her mother, her eyes just beginning to learn to focus. It only seemed like a few days ago that her daughter had been born, 11 weeks early, weak and helpless, and now already she was beginning to show the first small signs of growing up. In some ways that saddened her, knowing that with each new mile stone, with each small step forward her daughter made, she was losing a part of that tiny, fragile baby she had first fallen in love with. It was only after a few moments in deep thought that she realised how stupid she was being, that Joycelin was still just under 3 months old and there was a long, long way to go before she grew up. Surely at this age, there could be no such thing as growing up too quickly?

"Right then," Nikki told her daughter, pulling herself from her thoughts and jostling her in her arms slightly as she bent to pick up her handbag. "Shall we get out of here?"

Nikki held on to her daughter tightly as the taxi turned off onto the motorway, suddenly aware that perhaps bringing her out of hospital without a car seat hadn't been the best idea. Not because it would be a problem if they were pulled over- there seemed to be nothing that couldn't be solved with a decent bribe in South Africa- but because South African taxis didn't exactly have the best reputation when it came to sticking to speed limits and over-protectiveness was already kicking in. She had promised herself she wasn't going to be overprotective as a mother, but as time went by, she was beginning to realize that was an impossible task. You couldn't not worry about every little thing to do with your child, as she was starting to discover. But there was nothing she could do at that given moment other than to hold on to Joycelin tightly, peering through the front windscreen past the taxi driver anxiously every few minutes, bracing herself to protect her baby if needs be.

Nikki hadn't realized how far away the hospital was from Martha's house- usually she spent the journey to it worrying about her daughter and the journey back feeling guilty for having left her- and now she found herself suddenly overcome with guilt as the journey progressed and still she knew they weren't even close. This was the journey they had all been taking almost every day- in Harry's case, sometimes 2 or 3 times- just to see her. They shouldn't have had to. They shouldn't have had to trek across Cape Town every day of the week for almost a third of a year for her sake. God, Harry, Leo and Janet shouldn't have had to give up getting on for 4 months' worth of their life in England because of her. How selfish was that, making people travel half way across the world to a country in which they didn't belong just for her?

"Niks?"

Martha was studying her closely now, concerned, and Nikki realized some of her thoughts must have made themselves visible on her face.

"Wat is verkeerd? What's wrong?"

"Nothing. Nothing, honestly, I'm fine."

"Oh Nikki, don't give me that, I know you too well to fall for that," Martha sighed. "Come on, what's wrong?"

Nikki paused for a moment, gently prising a handful of her hair out of Joycelin's fist. "No, it's nothing, really. Just… feeling guilty."

"Guilty?" Martha repeated. "What on earth do you have to feel guilty about, hey? Nothing that's happened over the last few months has been your fault Niks; we've been through this before. You've got absolutely nothing to feel guilty about."

"I don't mean that," Nikki told her. "I mean how because of me, you and Harry and everyone else have been having to trek halfway across Cape Town every day to keep me company, Harry and Leo and Janet have given up their lives at home because they don't feel they can leave me by myself and-"

"Nikki, no, that's not true!" Martha protested. "Come on, you know that's not true. Do you really think anyone would have stayed around for so long if they didn't want to? Harry, Leo and Janet aren't still out here because they feel they have to, they're here because they care Nikki, because they want to be here. So you've got nothing to feel guilty about; it's not a crime to allow people to care about you, you know." She stopped, watching the look on her 'daughter's face for a moment, before continuing.

"Niks, surely one thing you've learned from all this is that you need to allow people to help you? You can't cope with everything on your own; no one can. No one minds helping you or being there for you, god only knows you've done it for the rest of the world enough times. You shouldn't feel guilty," she repeated, trying to ensure the message hit home. "There's nothing to feel guilty about."

"I know," Nikki said quietly. "No, I know, I do. Thank you."

"Don't mention it. But I want you to remember that, Niks. You can talk to me about anything, you know that. And you can talk to Harry; he's always going to be there for you, or to Leo and Janet, when you've gone back to England." She stopped as Joycelin began to stir, wriggling slightly in her mother's arms.

"We're nearly there now," Nikki told her, hoping she wasn't going to start crying in such a small, confined space. "We're almost back; you can cry when we get back to your grandma's, just please don't start now."

"Like that's going to work!" Martha laughed.

"No, it is, see!" Nikki insisted, lifting Joycelin up to cuddle her. "She just wants some attention, don't you? She's fine. And we're here now, so she can scream to her heart's content." She unclipped her seatbelt and stepped out of the taxi, grabbing her bags in her spare hand and following Martha up the short dirt track towards her front door, holding her daughter tightly to her as she watched her looking around curiously, taking in her new surroundings. It had seemed like this day would never come, the day on which she finally got to bring Joycelin out of hospital, and now she was feeling considerably overwhelmed with emotion. It wouldn't be long now before she could take her home properly, back to London, and begin to get back to normal, or rather, to establish a new normal, with Harry in a new position as her best friend and boyfriend, and with a child, with a future. And on the subject of Harry, Nikki knew she needed to decide what they were going to do when they got back to England, accommodation-wise. The two of them had been sharing a room at Martha's for the past 2 weeks; the first 2 weeks of their relationship in which they had only seen each other in hospital, but already she was getting rather used to having Harry around. And Martha had been right, perhaps she did need to accept help more often; a part of her was already wondering how easy it was going to be to cope with housework on top of Joycelin, who seemed to be taking up all of the energy she had at present. The doctors had assured her that it was only to be expected, that given everything she had been through that year and the amount of time she had spent more or less confined to a hospital bed, not to mention the fact that she now had a baby to look after, it was going to be a while before her energy levels returned to normal, yet still it was incredibly frustrating. So perhaps now would be the best time to ask Harry to move in with her. Nikki knew he would be only too eager to help her out, spending half his time travelling between her flat, the Lyell Centre and his own home, so perhaps it would be better if he just moved straight in with her, to save him the journey. Not to mention the fact that she wanted him there, that in the short time they had been together officially Nikki had fallen head-over-heels in love with Harry, to the point at which she couldn't imagine being without him.

But she couldn't expect Harry to move in with her, Nikki realized as she stepped into Martha's house, passing through to the spare room and dropping the bin bag of Joycelin's clothes onto the bed. Poor Harry wasn't going to want to move in with someone with a baby, to sentence himself to sleepless nights and screaming and nappy changing. She assumed they would move in together at some point in the future- Harry had seemed pretty serious about wanting to spend the rest of his life with her- but she doubted he would want to do so until Joycelin was older and sleeping through the night. No, she wouldn't ask him yet, Nikki decided, that wouldn't be fair. It wouldn't be fair.


	14. The calm before

**Not so many reviews for the last chapter :( I know this has been moving a little slowly, but it's gaining speed now and in just 2 chapters' time it's all going to kick off :) I know it's a busy time of year for everyone, but please could you leave me just a couple of words to tell me you've read and enjoyed/anything you would like to see to improve, as long as it's constructive criticism. You don't want to me lose heart with this now, do you? Xx**

**Thanks to Amy, Em, Lizzi and GemS for your amazing reviews, please keep on reviewing/ leave me one now if you haven't for a while/before :)**

**Love Flossie xxx**

**Chapter 13**

**The calm before**

**Thursday 22nd September 2011**

**-6.18pm**

Harry pulled off the main road onto Martha's estate wearily, finding a space opposite her house and parking the car. He, Leo and Janet had decided to split the costs of hiring one, having realized that it was going to be considerably cheaper than taking taxis everywhere they went. It had been a long day; the flow of bodies coming in and out of Peppertree Mortuary on a daily basis far exceeded that which he and Leo were used to back at the Lyell Centre, and after a full day of chasing dead ends with Janet's help, the three of them were exhausted. They had another few cases which they thought could be linked to the Phoenix Movement, something which all of them approached uneasily after Nikki's ordeal. Still, at least it was almost the end of the week, Harry thought to himself, as he, Leo and Janet stepped out of the car and made their way over to Martha's front door. He would take Nikki into the centre of Cape Town again over the weekend, he decided, take her to see Joycelin and then find something to do to take her mind off things. He wasn't entirely sure how well she was coping at the moment, partly because her behaviour seemed so varied. Sometimes she would seem perfectly happy: the dull, defeated look he had become so used to seeing in her eyes would be gone, and she would appear to be almost back to her usual self, or at least, what had been her usual self, before the assault. But then other times she would be withdrawn and depressed, refusing to think about anything other than what a terrible mother she must be to have left her baby all alone in a cold, clinical hospital, unwilling to listen to reason in any shape or form. She had seemed better for a while after she first came out of hospital, or so Harry had thought, but now Nikki seemed to be sinking back into a depressive state, one which he wanted to try and avoid before she became completely submerged.

"We're back! Harry called, stepping in through the front door and scanning the room.

"Hi! Good day?" Martha asked from the kitchen area.

"OK, I suppose. Long," Leo replied. "Is Nikki around?"

"Bathroom," Martha told him. "And I think she's got a surprise for you all."

"Really?" Harry asked, turning the direction of the bathroom just as Nikki emerged. She was holding something, he realized, she was holding something to her chest. It took him a moment to work out that it was her daughter.

"The doctors let me take her home this morning," Nikki explained happily, laughing at the disbelieving looks on her friends' faces. "They said it was because she's doing so well, but I think secretly they were just sick of the sight of her mother and wanted her away from them as quickly as possible."

"Oh, and who can blame them?" Harry joked, playing along with her as he stepped forward to hug her, placing a kiss on her cheek. "When did you get her out?"

"Late this morning," Nikki told him, pulling away reluctantly and leading Harry, Leo and Janet over to the sofa. "Martha, are you sure you don't want any help?"

"Positive, you four relax!" Martha called from the kitchen. "You've got Josi and everyone else has been at work all day!"

"So have you, all afternoon!" Nikki pointed out.

"I know, but's fine!" she insisted. "It's fine."

"OK, but let us know if you change your mind!" Janet added, before curling up on the sofa and leaning in to watch her 'granddaughter.' "She's looking so much better, isn't she?"

"She is," Nikki agreed, handing Joycelin over to Janet, smiling to herself as she saw the older woman's face light up. "I think it's just being out of hospital; that would make anyone feel better."

"Speaking of being out of hospital, where's she going to sleep?" Leo asked.

"All sorted: I phoned Sara half an hour or so ago; she's going to drop Callum's old cot round later. In the meantime, she's taken over mine and Harry's bed."

"Oh great. Tell Sara to make it sometime before 10, will you, I'm knackered."

"Unlikely, I'm afraid," Nikki told him. "She said 'now', and 'now' in South African speak can mean anything from in the next few minutes to the next few days."

"Lucky me, I take it I'm going to be on the floor tonight then," Harry groaned. "Or maybe the bathtub would be more comfortable."

"I'd go for the floor if I were you; at least you get a carpet," Leo advised him. "And as much space as you like."

"Thanks, I'll bear that in mind," Harry said sarcastically. "Are you speaking from experience?"

"Now, that's none of your business," Leo laughed, before turning back to Nikki. "So how long before she can have the cast taken off?"

"Another 2 weeks," Nikki explained. "And then, I suppose, we can head home. God, I'm not sure I even remember what the inside of my flat looks like."

"And you do realize it's never going to look the same way again once you get this one home?" Harry laughed. All your tidiness is going to be overtaken by piles of pink washing and baby toys, and then Josi's going to get older and leave a scattering of Barbie dolls and glitter glue everywhere she goes. And then of course she'll turn into a teenager and leave clothes and make-up everywhere."

"No she's not, she's going to be perfectly tidy," Nikki told him firmly. "Aren't you, angel?" she asked, now leaning over to hold Joycelin's tiny fist as she addressed her baby. "You're going to have to be perfectly tidy, because Mummy can't stand mess."

"I am _so_ going to remind you of that in 5 years' time," Harry grinned. "Anyway, on the subject of flying back to London, have you applied for a passport for Josi?"

"Good point," Nikki said, her eyes widening slightly as she realized a passport was going to be rather essential for flying back home. "I hadn't even thought of that! How long do you think it takes for a first passport to arrive? It's going to be more than 2 weeks, isn't it?"

"I don't know," Leo admitted. "We'll have to look into it tomorrow. I don't know if it's quicker to get a first passport than it is for a renewal, though I imagine it might take longer from a foreign country."

"I'll find out tomorrow," Nikki sighed, leaning back on the sofa, tired. "It'd probably be quicker to apply for a South African passport, but I don't know how that would work in terms of getting her into the UK long-term without a visa. I'll have to find out tomorrow."

"Nikki…" Janet interrupted, holding out Joycelin to her, who was beginning to whimper softly. "I think she might want you."

"Thanks," Nikki said gratefully, taking the baby back and laying her over her shoulder as the whimpering turned to cries. "Hey, what's wrong with you then? Tired, I think," she decided, patting her back gently in an attempt to calm her down. "I don't think she's used to this much excitement in one day, she's probably worn out." She stood up slowly, picking up the elephant toy from the coffee table. "I'm going to go and lie her down for a bit, or she's going to get grouchy."

"OK," Harry replied, smiling reassuringly. He could tell that she felt rather overwhelmed; despite her evident delight at having her baby home with her, he knew it was the first time she was fully responsible for Joycelin, and that was bound to be slightly intimidating. "Do you want…?"

"No, I think we're OK," Nikki told him, disappearing off into the spare room. Normally she would have welcomed his company, but she felt so tired herself that she was tempted to try and get some sleep along with her daughter. Maybe it was the emotional nature of the day, maybe it was the slight shock to the system of being her daughter's carer again, Nikki didn't know. But she did know that she felt drained, drained of all her energy.

"I know darling, I know you're tired," she said softly as Joycelin continued to wail, laying her down the middle of the bed. "Now, hoe gaan ons dit doen? How are we going to do this?" Nikki was desperate for some sleep herself, yet nervous about sleeping next to someone so small and fragile. After a moment's thought, she removed the pillows from one side of the bed and placed one towards the edge, picking up Joycelin and laying her down beside the pillow, before adding the second pillow to her other side, sandwiching her daughter between them. Then she laid down next to her, draping her arm over her baby and kissing her forehead, before settling down to sleep.

"Nikki?" Harry called softly around the bedroom door a short while later. Martha had sent him to get her, to tell her that dinner was ready; she had never come back from taking Joycelin for some sleep.

No answer.

"Nikki?" he called again, not wanting to speak too loudly and risk waking Joycelin up. "Nikki, dinner's ready."

But still no answer, so Harry pushed the door open slowly, stepping into the room. Nikki was curled up on the bed beside Joycelin, her arm draped over the baby's small body as the pair of them slept. They looked so peaceful; he was reluctant to wake her. He ended up pulling out his camera from the bedside table and snapping a picture of the two of them, wanting a memento of that perfect scene. But the moment he put the camera down, Nikki's whole body began to tense, her breathing becoming heavy and her face shifting from contentment to fear. Harry knew she was having another nightmare; that she was reliving _that night_ once more. How much longer was she going to be plagued by images of her torture in her dreams?

"Nikki come on, it's OK," he said gently, sitting down beside her on the bed and wrapping his arms arm her torso, pulling her into an upright position on his lap and holding her tightly as she began to squirm. Over the past few weeks he had come to learn from experience that sitting Nikki up was the best way of waking her quickly, allowing him to calm her down. "It's just a bad dream Niks, that's all," He soothed, stroking her hair. "It's just a bad dream, it's not real, and he's not here anymore." This was a relatively mild panic attack for Nikki, he mused; often she would be screaming out in desperation before he managed to bring her back to her senses.

She was opening her eyes now, blinking at him, confused. "Harry, I'm sorry, I…"

"No, don't apologise," Harry insisted. "How many times have we been through this, Nikki, you've got nothing to apologise for. Do you want to talk about it?" he asked her gently, studying her face. Sometimes she would refuse to talk about her nightmares, but other times it seemed to help her to share the basic details with him, to share the burden.

Nikki shook her head. "It was no different to all the others. Harry, what if this goes on for the rest of my life?" she sighed anxiously, curling into his chest.

"You won't," Harry told her. "You won't Nikki, I promise. I know it's horrible, I can't even imagine how exhausting it must be to have nightmares like that whenever you try and sleep, but it's going to get better, you just need to give it time. Everything's changing pretty drastically at the moment I know, so maybe that's part of the reason the nightmares haven't settled down yet. But they will, maybe not for a while, but they will. It'll probably be better once you're home, back into a normal routine, maybe you'll relax a bit more subconsciously and you won't think about the horrible things. I don't know if you'll ever be completely free of it, but it'll get much, much better than it is now. And when you do have nightmares, when it all gets too much, I'm here, OK? No one's ever going to hurt you like that again while I'm here, I promise. Now come on," he said, squeezing Nikki's shoulders as he kissed her softly on the lips, "dinner's ready."

"Thanks," Nikki said with feeling, sliding across the bed. "OK, I'm coming, I just want to move Josi into the middle of the bed so she's not going to fall out, if there's going to be no one watching her. Has Sara been round yet, by the way?"

"Not yet, I'm sure she's on her way, though," Harry told her reassuringly as she repositioned her daughter, before standing up and following him out of the room. He was still worried about her; worried that she wasn't getting enough sleep thanks to the nightmares, worried that she still wasn't completely over the assault, worried that it _would_ hang over her for the rest of her life, regardless of what he'd promised her. But he couldn't let Nikki pick up on that. He needed to stay strong for her, to install a belief in her that the nightmares would fade away with time. And he couldn't do that if he didn't believe it himself.


	15. Final Happiness

**I suggest you all make the most of the fluff at the beginning, because the inevitable is happening very, very soon, and poor Harry's going to be in a bit of a state :( Sorry for my moan in the previous chapter, didn't mean to make anyone feel bad! Thanks to Amy, dinabar, Starr123, Lizzi, GemS and Em for your reviews, love you all, and thank you so much for all your feedback! Dinabar- such a good idea with the drawer, pity I didn't think of that! And Emma- I have written another year of the rooster chapter, I'm just waiting for the right moment to slot it in! It'll be soon, promise!**

**One final thing- just a prior warning that I'm going to Vietnam in a week and a bit to do some relief work at an orphanage out there for a week, so I'm not going to be able to update while I'm there. But DON'T PANIC- I will start writing like crazy now and leave you some chapters to read while I'm away, like I did last time, although I'll try and do you one for every day this time, as I am now free of schoolwork! And don't worry, as well as helping out I will be soaking up the culture for inspiration for this fic :)**

**Love you all :)**

**Flossie xxx**

**Chapter 14**

**Final Happiness**

**Sunday 9****th**** October 2011**

**-10.26am**

"Joycelin Alexander!"

"Come on then, that's us," Nikki told Harry, slinging her handbag over her shoulder and standing up, repositioning her daughter slightly in her arms. It was now more than 6 weeks since Joycelin's operation on her knee, and it was finally time for her cast to be removed. Part of Nikki was relieved, knowing that in a few minutes time, her baby would be free of a plaster cast and able to travel back to London, but at the same time part of her was dreading it. She knew from her days as a junior doctor that cast removal from babies could be very difficult, depending on how cooperative the baby was. And she knew that if she were Joycelin, after everything she had been put through already, cooperating to having a huge great cutting machine welded at her leg would not be high on her priority list.

Harry and Nikki had grown rather accustomed to visiting the paediatrics section of the hospital over the last few weeks; in fact, it was even getting to the point now where the nurses had cups of coffee ready for them the moment they walked through the door, having seen their names on the day's schedule, and knowing exactly how they liked it having asked them so many times. If all went to plan, however, today's visit would be their last. They had booked as flight home for 12th October; just 3 days' time, and provided that the doctors gave them the all clear, they would finally be heading home.

"Right, so I think we're ready to take the cast off, then," the doctor announced. "Now she might not like this very much," he warned Nikki and Harry, reaching out to take Joycelin from her mother. "But it's not going to hurt her; it's just going to be loud and scary. I'll try and cut the cast off as quickly as possible, but I'm afraid the more she wriggles, the longer it's going to take."

With that said, he laid Joycelin out across the table, holding her down with one hand while turning on the cutting machine with the other. Joycelin blinked, her eyes widening as the machine began to blare noisily, looking around confused for a moment, before beginning to scream, screams of fear, or at least, that was what it sounded like to Nikki. She leaned into Harry, burying her face in his chest, trying desperately to block out her daughter's cries. She could feel Harry stroking her hair, hear him telling her that it was all going to be OK, yet in that moment she didn't believe it. How could she, when her daughter was in so much distress?

"Almost done," she could vaguely hear the doctor saying; she could hear the cutting machine rising a little in pitch, and she knew it was reaching the end of the plaster cast. Joycelin's screams of panic were growing louder with it, torturing her. All she wanted to do was hold her baby, to hold her close and cuddle her and reassure her that everything was alright. But she couldn't, not until the cast was off. And Nikki knew that she was being irrational, knew that the whole thing would be over in a matter of minutes, maybe even seconds, but nothing could counteract the pull on her heart at the sound of her daughter's distress. Nothing.

"OK, that's the cast off," the doctor announced, turning off the cutting machine at last. "Right, I'm just going to check her over for you, make sure her knee's moving properly, and then I'll sign her off to fly and you can have her back. She's fine," he said, obviously having picked up on the shell-shocked look on Nikki's face. "She's fine, she's just a little taken aback, that's all." He turned back to Joycelin, beginning to probe her leg.

"Was she moving her toes on that right side at all before? I know she couldn't move her foot because of the cast."

"She was moving them a bit," Nikki replied quietly. "But I don't think she could get a lot of movement because of how far the cast came down."

"That's probably right," the doctor assured her. "But I'm going to have to check anyway, just to be sure there isn't any nerve or muscle damage."

"Damage?" Nikki repeated, her eyes suddenly filled with panic.

"It's just a precaution," the doctor told her, scratching the bottom of Joycelin's foot and watched as she recoiled, curling her toes and bending her leg as she pulled it away.

"Well, she seems fine," the doctor announced. "And there haven't been any problems since you've had her at home, have there?" he asked, beginning to check Joycelin over.

"No, she's been fine," Nikki told him. "She's been absolutely fine."

"She does seem fine," the doctor agreed. "She's still weighing in at a little under what I would expect at 10 weeks, but given how premature she was at birth that's only to be expected. Right, I'm going to transfer her records to your GP in London, and you'll have to take her for another check-up when you get back out there, but I'm quite happy to let her fly. Here you go," he said holding Joycelin back out to Nikki. "There's nothing to worry about, she's fine."

"Thank you," Nikki said gratefully, kissing her baby's forehead and holding her to her tightly, relieved to be able to comfort her at last. "Shall we go and pack, then?" she asked her softly, lifting her daughter up to meet her eyes. "Shall we get ready to go home?"

"Harry, I…" Nikki began as the two of them crossed the hospital car park a few minutes later. "I honestly don't know how to thank you."

"Thank me?" Harry asked, surprised. "What on earth do you have to thank me for?"

"For standing by me through all this, for being so supportive, both to me and Josi, for putting up with my being a complete emotional wreck for the past few months. I just…" she paused, unsure how to continue without making what she wanted to tell him sound too cliché. "I don't know how I would have gotten through this year so far without you. I really don't. And you've been so good with Joycelin too, and you shouldn't have to; I just feel so guilty that…" again she paused, not wanted to overwhelm him when the two of them were still so early on in their relationship, but needing to tell him this at the same time.

"I just feel so guilty that, that assuming we're still together in a few years' time, that I'm never going to be able to give you your own children. And you're just fantastic with Josi, but I feel so guilty that she's not yours biologically, that your mother's never going to have grandchildren if you stay with me, that you're not going to have someone to take to air shows and share your love of planes or…"

"Nikki, stop!" Harry protested, grabbing her hands, preventing her from stepping into the car and away from him. "I don't care about any of that, don't you see? I love you so much Nikki, I don't care if you come with a daughter who's not biologically mine, and I don't care if we can't have children ourselves, the two of us. It is upsetting, I agree, but we've already got a child. We've got Josi, and I couldn't care less that she's not biologically mine Nikki, because she's still a part of you. I told you last year that if your children ever turned into you, they would be very lucky, remember? Well, I meant every word. It doesn't matter to me that Joycelin won't ever look like me, or that she might not inherit a love for airplanes- I can install that in her anyway. I'm not going to love her any different than I would a biological child Nikki, she's my baby too, as long as you want her to be. And as for my mum, what makes you think she's not going to feel the same way? I love you more than I've ever loved anyone in my life, Nikki, just as I love Joycelin, and the moment my mother sees that she's not going to care in the slightest whether she's biologically my child or not. Look at Leo and Janet: do they mind that Jasper's not going to be related to them by blood? It doesn't matter Nikki, it doesn't matter in the slightest. And don't you ever let yourself think any different."

Nikki just stared at him for a moment, rendered speechless. "No one's… ever said anything as nice as that to me before," she stammered, trying to stop the tears which were beginning to fall.

"Well, you've clearly never been with the right person before, have you?" Harry told her, pulling her into a hug carefully, Joycelin sandwiched between them. "Because I meant every single word. Now, shall we get you two back to Martha's, and tell everyone the good news?"

"Sounds like a plan," Nikki agreed, leaning into the back seat of the car to fasten Joycelin into her car seat. "And I love you too, by the way."

"Well I was rather hoping that was the case, Dr Alexander," Harry grinned, leaning over to kiss her gently on the lips before starting the car. He was still slightly cautious around her in terms of displaying affection, aware that Nikki hadn't recovered fully from her horrific ordeal at the hands of Bai and scared of freaking her out. He was going to have to take it slowly with her, making sure she was comfortable with each step forward in their relationship before taking another. But that was OK. Because he loved her, unconditionally, and he would wait a lifetime for her if that was what it took. There was no question of that.

"Harry?"

"Hmm?"

"Before we go, can I ask you something?"

"Depends what it is."

She rolled her eyes. "No, Harry seriously. Listen, if you really did mean every word…"

"And I did," Harry assured her. "I really, really did."

"Stop interrupting me!" Nikki complained. "No, listen, if you really meant it, about loving her like your biological child, then… do you want to be her dad? I mean, I know it's only early days, but I…"

"Nikki!" Harry said loudly, getting her attention before she went off into a ramble. "Nikki, listen!" She turned to look at him, anxiously.

"I would love to be her dad," he told her, pulling her close and leaning in towards her lips. "More than anything else in the world."

**Sunday 9****th**** October 2011**

**-6.23pm**

Bai Lưu sighed as he unlocked the main door of his hidden compound, pulling open the heavy iron construction and stepping inside and taking care the lock the door again behind him. He couldn't afford to take any chances. Because it was time to act, time to carry out the next stage of his plan. And there was no time to lose.

"Victor?" he called in his clipped, heavily accented English, removing the bolt on his cell door carefully and entering through the door. He had been keeping Nikki's father locked away in his compound since he had put two and two together, realizing Bai's plan and how he slotted into it. He was hoping that months in solitary confinement would have messed with Victor's head a little, cause him to do anything he said, as long as he was set free. Which wouldn't happen, of course. He talked a good game, but he wouldn't stay true to his word. He just needed Victor to believe that he would.

"Victor, it's your lucky day!" he announced, taking in the hopeless expression on the other man's face and realizing he was indeed going to go along with his proposition. The poor man was desperate to escape, how could he not?

"I'm going to let you out," he explained. "But on one condition. You're going to help me kidnap Nikki and the baby. You're going to come with me to Martha's, where she's staying, and you're going to help me kidnap them. We're going to slip them out of the house so quietly that no one will even notice they're gone until the morning. Now, you might not like that idea much, so I'm going to give you a choice. Either you come with me now, you help me take Nikki and my baby, you keep quiet for the duration, and when it's done I let you go, or I kill you here and now. Look, I've got a gun. You know what I'm capable of, you know I'd do it without a second thought. So come on, Mr Alexander. What are you going to do?"

"I…" Victor stammered, his face flooding with guilt and greed. "If I go along with this, you'll let me go?"

"That's right," Bai confirmed. "So?"

"Alright, I'll help you!" Victor shouted in an angry outburst. "I'll help you, but that doesn't mean I like what you're going to do!"

"Oh, I didn't expect you to," Bai told him, grabbing the other man's handcuffs and pulling him out of the door. "I don't like it, either. But we do what we must do to survive, Mr Alexander. All we're going to do is what we have to if we want to survive."


	16. Stolen

**OK, this is the big one. This is actually the first chapter I ever wrote of this, and what the whole of Sunset in SA and this fic have been leading up to :) It was also very difficult to get the emotions right, so I hope it's OK :)**

**Sorry I've not updated for a bit- been trying to get some stuff ready for Vietnam. There's another chapter of Pandora's box coming very soon, and I'll try and get some more of this uploaded tomorrow, provided I get enough reviews. Thanks to Lizzi, Em, GemS and Amy for your reviews, love you all :) But please, as this chapter is such a huge one in the fic, can I have some more for this one, please? :) If you haven't reviewed yet/for a while, this would be the perfect time to give me some feedback! And I will love you forever :) Also, if there is anything you would like to see in this fic/my others/oneshots, please do let me know, and I will do my best to incorporate. Ultimately, this is for you guys and I want you to be enjoying it as much as possible :)**

**R and R, and once again, I PROMISE, this is going to end happily!**

**Love Flossie xxx **

**Chapter 15**

**Stolen**

**Monday 10****th**** October 2011**

**-2.47am**

Nikki Alexander groaned and rolled over out of Harry's arms as the familiar sound of her mobile vibrating pulled her from her sleep, sitting up slowly in bed to inspect the screen. Who the hell could possibly be calling her at this time of night? 'Dad calling', read her mobile display. Well, that certainly explained it. If there was anyone antisocial enough to phone her in the middle of the night like this, it was he father.

She slipped out of the bed silently, trying her best not to wake Harry and Josi in the process, pulled on her dressing gown and moved into the kitchen area of Martha's house to answer the phone, not wanting to wake Leo and Janet either, asleep on the sofas.

"Dad?" she whispered angrily, accepting the call. "Dad, why the hell are you calling me now? It's the middle of the night, for god's sake! And I thought I told you never, ever to contact me again, not for the first time!"

"I know that Niks," came her father's voice from the other end of the phone. There was something different about it, Nikki realized, but try as she might she couldn't quite put her finger on what it was.

"Listen darling, I really need to talk to you. I won't be a minute- I'm outside, on the doorstep. Just a couple of minutes and then I'll be gone, I promise."

"What? How did you even know where I was staying? How did you know where Martha lives?"

"Oh, I um, I think she might have given me her address that day at the hospital," Victor bluffed.

"Right, of course," Nikki said sarcastically. "Look, I can't be doing with this, I'm going back to bed."

"Nikki, please!" Victor protested. "Just 5 minutes. 5 minutes and then I'm off. Just 5 minutes."

"Alright, but this had better be good," Nikki sighed reluctantly, moving towards the front door. She didn't want to speak to him, not after what had happened last time, but she also knew that he wouldn't be disappearing off into the night until she did. The sooner she spoke to him the sooner she could get rid of him, and the sooner she got rid of him, the better.

Nikki reached the front door and unlocked it, sliding it open, finding herself face to face with her father. He looked terrible, she noticed that much, even in the dark. There were dark circles under his eyes as if he hadn't slept in months, his skin was haggard and he hadn't shaved. But it wasn't just that. There was a strange, terrified look in his eyes, one Nikki wasn't used to seeing there. And that alone spooked her.

"Dad, what on earth…" she began, thoroughly irritated and confused.

But she never got to finish her question. Because at that moment, something hit her in the thigh, a bullet of some sort, and before she could even begin to register what was happening, Nikki had fallen to the ground, struck unconscious as the sedative began to work its way into her blood.

"Right, let's go!" Bai whispered forcibly, grabbing Nikki's arms. "Come on, take her legs, we need to get her into the car. Wedge the door open with that flower pot, we still need to come back for the baby. Come on, go!"

Shell-shocked, Victor gripped Nikki's legs as instructed and lifted her, helping Bai carry her over to the car.

"Put her on the backseat, she's not going to be going anywhere for a while," Bai instructed him, throwing open the car door and bundling Nikki in. "Lan!" he called to the woman sat on the other end of the back seat, who climbed out instantly at the sound of her name, her face blank. "Lan, head on in, take the baby. Leave any toys, any jewellery, any comfort blankets, we don't want any reminders of this life for her, and anyway, we need to leave Harry something to remember her by, don't you think? And keep it quiet, you understand? One person wakes up in that house and we're all dead."

He turned back to Victor now, smirking. "And as for you, I'm sorry. I really am."

Victor didn't even have time to react before Bai had thrown his arms around him, pulling him tightly into a headlock and cuffing his hands behind his back. Within moments he had moved to his victim's mouth, gagging him tightly, before bundling him into the boot of the car.

"Martial arts," he told Victor with a grin. "That's a great thing about Vietnam; it's a melting pot of all the various styles of the Far East. You didn't really believe I was going to let you go, just like that, did you? If you did, then you're even more stupid than I thought." And with that said, he slammed the boot shut, taking care to lock the car before heading back up to Martha Manduna's house. He couldn't afford any mistakes, not when his plan was going so well.

Bai met Lan at the front door, just exiting the house with Joycelin held tightly to her chest.

"She's still asleep, but she's starting to stir," she warned him. "We need to get out of here, the sooner the better."

"We will," Bai promised her. "There's just something I need to leave behind first, in the house, but then we're out of here. They won't catch us, I promise. We've come too far to fail now."

**Monday 10****th**** October 2011**

**-6.15am**

Harry Cunningham moaned and buried his head under his pillow as the alarm clock began to blare, stretching out his arm to turn it off. He always felt bad on work mornings; the very sound of the alarm would always seem to wake Joycelin, no matter how quickly he flicked it off. This morning though, she stayed silent, fast asleep. Harry smiled to himself from his position submerged under the covers; Joycelin failing to wake would mean that Nikki could have a lie-in for once, provided he managed to get changed and out of the room to work without waking either of them. He sighed contently, making the most of his final moments in bed before dragging himself out for the day, thinking back to the previous one. After bringing Joycelin home from hospital, the three of them had gone round to Sara's for lunch along with Martha, Leo and Janet, a kind of farewell meal, and a way of closing the book and moving on to a new chapter in their lives, or so Sara had said. Harry's new title of 'Dad' rather than 'Uncle Harry' had emerged too, something which had filled Harry himself with a great sense of pride. He was a father. It was unexpected, and not exactly the way he had imagined, growing up, but he was a father all the same, to the most beautiful little thing in the world, and in love with the most fantastic woman. What more could he possibly ask for.

Thinking about Nikki made Harry realize something else too; unless he was very much mistaken, she had managed to go the whole night without a single vivid nightmare. His face broke into a broad grin now, feeling immensely proud of her. She had done it. She had finally done it.

She wasn't in his arms, Harry noticed now, as had become her usual sleeping position. So maybe she had been plagued by nightmares, but she had been over on the other side of the bed and he'd slept right through it? Overcome with guilt and anticipation, Harry stretched his arms out across the bed, ready to wrap his arms around her and pull her into his chest.

But instead of meeting with the warmth of Nikki's body, Harry's arms simply flopped over the edge of the bed. He frowned, sitting up now, looking around. She wasn't there. Nikki wasn't there. He peered down to the cot at the end of the bed, looking for his daughter, but he couldn't make her out. She wasn't there either, the cot occupied only by the fluffy lilac elephant. Maybe Nikki had gone to change her? Yes, that must be it, he decided, the two of them must be in the bathroom. Which meant he couldn't go into the shower until Nikki came back.

Sighing to himself, Harry pulled some clothes out of the wardrobe and draped them over his arm, preparing to head to the bathroom. Surely Nikki couldn't be much longer? Any longer and she was going to make them all late; another 4 people needed to go through that bathroom before heading off to work. He would go and hurry her along, he decided; make sure she was almost done. It couldn't take that long to change a baby.

But the bathroom was empty; completely empty. Harry frowned, beginning to think. Where else could she have gone? Maybe she had taken Joycelin out for a walk? She would have left a note, Harry decided, she would have left a note to tell him and everyone else where she was. He abandoned the shower and moved to the kitchen, scanning the work surfaces for a note of some kind, but none was there. Nikki wouldn't have just disappeared, not without telling someone where she was going.

"Harry?"

He turned around, finding Martha standing behind him.

"Are you looking for something?" she asked.

"Not exactly," Harry explained. "Do you know where Nikki is? She doesn't seem to be anywhere in the house, I'm just wondering whether she's left a note anywhere saying she's gone out."

Martha frowned. "I've been up for about an hour now, and I haven't seen her this morning. She couldn't have gone out before 5 in the morning, surely?"

"It seems unlikely," Harry agreed, finishing searching the kitchen as he realized there wasn't a note anywhere. "But I can't think where else she could be. She's not in our room, she's not in the bathroom, she's not in here, she's not in the living room; I just don't see where else she could have gone."

"Try calling her," Martha suggested calmly, though Harry could see the concern in her eyes. "I'm sure she's fine, but it won't hurt to check. She pulled the phone off its cradle, holding it out to him. "Go on, you call her."

It was one of the few numbers Harry knew by heart, and he entered it into the phone quickly, wanting to reassure himself that Nikki was safe. 'She'll be fine', he told himself as the phone began to dial. 'She'll pick up in a minute, it'll turn out that she did just go out for a walk with Josi, that she and Martha just managed to miss each other. You'll see."

But even as the phone was dialling, Harry knew that Nikki wasn't going to pick up. Because he could hear the all-too-familiar ringtone blaring from the bedroom, an indicator that she had left her mobile behind. That wasn't like Nikki; 7 years of work as a home office pathologist had led to her automatically carrying her mobile with her at all times. No, Harry concluded, it just didn't add up. Something was definitely wrong.

"Her mobile's in here," Harry said frantically, running back into the spare bedroom. "She never goes anywhere without her mobile, Martha." He began to search around the room desperately, looking for something, anything, to indicate where Nikki might have gone.

"Harry!" Martha said suddenly. She was standing beside Joycelin's cot, holding up a small slip of paper, a shocked, terrified expression on her face. Realizing that something was horribly wrong, Harry crossed the room to stand beside her, reading the words written along it.

_Let her go, Harry Cunningham. Let her go; she was never yours to have. She's not your baby, she's mine, and as for her mother, I saw her first. Let them both go._

It was only then that he noticed something small and gold placed neatly beside the plush elephant in the cot. Shakily, he reached in, picking up a small gold bangle, embellished with a tiny gold dragonfly. He didn't think Nikki had taken that off of Joycelin's wrist for more than a few minutes since she had brought her daughter out of hospital. And that was when he knew that something was horribly, horribly wrong.


	17. Harry

**This one's quite short, but I think it would have spoiled it to make it long for the sake of it. And I'm hoping to get the next chapter of Pandora's box up later today for you all, though it will be quite late, as I'm in a dance show/competition thingy tonight :) I'm not sure about the song at the beginning of this one, my little sister put it there and I didn't have the heart to delete it! Sorry :)**

**Thank you so much to Dinabar, Thyqua, Lizzi, Amy, Em, Gem S, Starr123 and heleni0 for your reviews, you guys are awesome :) Glad you all agree that Victor's an idiot! As for how Harry's going to react, you'll find out in this chapter. There are a lot of fics on here with Nikki falling apart, as has already happened in this, but very little about Harry, so hopefully that will make it a bit different. But anyone who doesn't want to read horrible nasty bits, as I said before I'm not going to write anything to cause the rating of this to increase, and I will warn you of anything nastier than usual in advance, so you don't have to read those bits if you don't want to. Just written a fairly sad chapter for later, but it's not essential to the plot and I'm going to upload 2 at the same time when we get to that point, so you can skip the nasties and still have an update if you want :)**

**Sorry for rambling, hope you enjoy, and please leave me a review to let me know!  
>Love Flossie xxx<strong>

**Chapter 16**

**Harry**

_Chest to chest, nose to nose, palm to palm,_

_We always were just that close,_

_Wrist to wrist, toe to toe,_

_Lips that felt just like the inside of a rose._

_In this California king bed,_

_We're ten thousand miles apart,_

_I've been California wishing on these stars,_

_For your heart, for me._

_California King Bed extract, Rihanna_

**Monday 10****th**** October 2011**

**-7.46am**

The next few minutes go by in a blur, with you hardly aware of anything happening around you. You remember the room beginning to spin, you remember Martha taking your hand and leading you into the lounge area, sitting you down on the sofa with a cup of hot, sweet tea while she phoned the police, Leo shouting frantically down the phone to the British Embassy, the Home Office, anyone official who might be able to help. You remember Janet searching the house one last time in a mad panic, before coming over to your spot on the sofa, pressing Joycelin's elephant into your free hand, the one not already holding the bangle, promising you it was all going to be OK. But you didn't believe her before, and you still don't believe her now, you can't. How can you, when the two most important people in your life are missing, kidnapped, being held by a psychopath?

You sit like that for a while, stroking the elephant softly, aware that you can still smell Joycelin on its fur. You had thought that would offer you some comfort, to have that slight link to your family in those moments of uncertainty, and you guess Janet must have thought so too; she didn't mean to upset you. But the smell of wild roses which you had come to associate solely with Nikki over the years, mixed with baby powder only turns on the waterworks, reminding you why you're sat there on a Monday morning, not at work elbow deep in a PM. And thinking of work, of Post Mortems, only makes the situation a thousand times worse, because one thought leads to another, and suddenly you can't shake away the mental image of the two of them lying cold and still on the mortuary slabs, some independent pathologist standing over them, cutting them open… The mere thought of it makes you feel sick, makes the tears fall harder, aware that you're embarrassing yourself but unable to calm down. And then suddenly you're retching, uncontrollably, dropping the bangle and the elephant onto the sofa and sprinting to the bathroom, making it just in time. You've never been squeamish at the thought of PMs before in your life, but now, when the potential subjects of them are your family, the woman you love and your daughter, you can't bear to think of it. And yet you can't seem to think of anything else. It's a vicious circle, a vicious circle of fear and dread and hurt, and you know there's no point trying to escape. You know you'll never be free of it, not until you have them back.

You hide away in the bathroom for what feels like hours, even though you know that in reality, it's only a few minutes. You don't want to leave, because while you're locked away in that room, alone, you can pretend it's not happening. You can pretend that Nikki and Joycelin are still asleep in the spare room, and that any minute now you're going to unlock the door and go back to them, curling up around Nikki's body as you hold her close, pressing a kiss to her lips as she stirs… but you can't. You can't, because Nikki's not there, she's somewhere else, maybe in mortal peril. There's no point in pretending; that's not going to change the fact that when you unlock the door, when you step back into the main body of the house, you're going to have to face it all once more. And you don't know if you're strong enough to do that.

In the 7 years that you've known Nikki now, she's been in danger a hundred times before: she's been kidnapped, held at gunpoint, left in the company of a murderer… the list goes on and on. You've been in this position before, and yet you've never reacted quite this badly. Before you've been afraid, angry, guilty, terrified for her, but you've never reacted so physically at the thought of her in danger. But then again, this has never happened before whilst the pair of you have been in a relationship. Now the two of you are officially together Nikki means more to you than ever before, if that's even possible. Her and Joycelin, they have become everything to you, your sole reason for existence. But suddenly you're facing a potential life lived without them. And that's not a concept you can cope with, not now, not ever.

"Harry!" you can hear Leo calling your name now, knocking on the bathroom door. "Harry, are you alright?"

"Of course I'm not bloody alright!" you shout angrily, beginning to lose control. "I can't function without her, Leo, not without either of them! Sorry," you whisper at last, your rant over, and all too aware that Leo doesn't deserve you to treat him like that. "I'm sorry, I…"

"Harry, it's fine," Leo sighs from the other side of the door. "Listen, why don't you come out? The police are here now, they need to speak to us all about what's happened, see if we know anything without realizing we do."

"I can't lose them, Leo," you whisper. It's not really an answer to his question, but it tells him all he needs to know. You need the two of them in your life, and you're not sure how to go on from here without them. It's as if you no longer have a purpose, as though your mission in life has been taken away in a sudden flash, leaving you alone and useless. You can't live like this. You can't.

"I know, Harry, I know," Leo sighs. "And we're going to do our best to find them both, I promise. Now come on, we need to talk to the police."

And so you finally make an attempt to pull yourself together, wiping your eyes and splashing your face with water, before unlocking the bathroom door and finding yourself face to face with Leo, his own eyes filled with silent tears. You stare at one another for a moment, acknowledging each other's pain and fear, before Leo pulls you into a hug. You're not quite sure who it is that he's trying to comfort, you or himself.


	18. The beginning of the end

**There's some progression in the case in this one :) Big hugs to everyone who reviewed the last chapter: dinabar, starr123, Thyqua, Amy, GemS, Lizzi and Em (I've sent you a PM about the elephant), and thank you to everyone who said good luck with the dancing :) I came 2****nd**** in both bits I was in for the competition, though after weeks of practising, I think if I ever hear the 'diva is a female version of a hustler' bit of Diva by Beyconce again, I will SCREAM! Though I am thinking of using the song from my lyrical dance for a Harry/Nikki fanfic… :)**

**Enjoy, and please review!**

**Love Florencia xxx**

**Chapter 17**

**Beginning of the end**

**Monday 10****th**** October 2011 **

**-8.06am**

The policemen turned out to be Sara's husband Pieter Lamprecht and his colleague, something which Harry was immensely grateful for. He highly doubted that would have been allowed back in England, but South Africa seemed to have very different ways of doing things in some respects. Pieter knew Nikki, he knew how much she meant to him, to everyone else around her, he knew everything she and Joycelin had been through in the past few months and he knew about Bai Lưu and the Phoenix Movement, potential suspects given what Bai had already done to Nikki. And this prior knowledge reassured Harry somewhat, settling a small still significant fraction of his fear. He didn't really know what the police force was like in South Africa, had been afraid that they wouldn't take the case seriously. But he knew Pieter would do his utmost to find Nikki, whatever it took. And in those moments of horrible, heart-wrenching anticipation, that was a whole lot better than nothing.

"Harry, I'm so sorry," Pieter said sympathetically when Harry himself and Leo finally emerged from the other end of the house, getting up from the sofa to embrace him as he approached. "I'm so sorry. But we're going to do everything we can to find her, I promise. This is my colleague, DI Chris Harman; he's been assigned to this case alongside me. Now I know this must be a complete shock to the system, but we're going to have to ask you a few questions, just to see if we can get some ideas as to what might have happened. OK?"

Harry just nodded mutely, barely able to meet Pieter's eyes. It wasn't that he was blaming him, or resenting him in any way; it was just that his presence as a police officer rather than a friend was yet another reminder of the hell hole his life had become overnight. His mind was plagued with images of Nikki in pain, screaming, terrified, alone, but nobody coming, of Joycelin crying in distress, separated from her mother, her family, everything she had ever known in her short life. She was too young to fully understand what was happening, but she would know that something was wrong; she would pick up on her mother's agony. He couldn't hope with the mere possibility of it, he just couldn't. And so Harry forced himself to focus on the policemen in front of him, on answering their questions as best he could. They were his best chance of finding his family, after all. He needed to cooperate, no matter how hard it was. He had to find her.

"So Harry, do you want to start by describing the moment you discovered Nikki was missing?" Pieter suggested, nodding to his colleague who pulled out a notebook and pen, poised and ready. Harry glanced at Leo for a moment, seeking his reassurance, before taking a deep breath and recounting the horrors of that morning.

"I woke up at about quarter past six- the alarm went off," Harry recalled shakily. "That was when I realized she wasn't there; Nikki, I mean, she wasn't in the bed. So I checked Josi's cot, she wasn't there either, so I thought Nikki must have taken her to the bathroom- there was no other reason for her to be up so early. But I waited for a few minutes and she… she didn't come back, so I went to check the bathroom and she wasn't there. So I thought maybe she'd taken Joycelin out for a walk- I know it was still early, but it was the only thing I could think of. I thought she must have left a note if she had gone out, she wouldn't want anyone to worry about her, and so I had a scout around, thinking they'd be a note on the kitchen table or something. But there wasn't. There wasn't, and then that was when Martha came in, I think?" he said, Martha nodding in reply as she confirmed his version of events.

"So Martha came in, and she said she'd been up for over an hour, but she hadn't seen Nikki at all. And that didn't make sense; there was no way Nikki would have gone out without telling Martha if she was awake, or without at least leaving a note to explain where she was. So that's when Martha and I moved back into the spare room, the room Nikki and I are staying in with Josi…" Harry cut off abruptly, suddenly aware that he needed to change the 'are' to 'were'. Because it was just him staying in Martha's spare room now: Nikki and Joycelin were staying somewhere else, somewhere unfamiliar, cold, damp, dark… if they were even still alive.

"Harry," Janet said softly, reaching out to squeeze his hand, trying to offer a little comfort to him, reminding him that he needed to finish recounting those horrible moments, to help the police in finding his family. Harry just nodded slightly in acknowledgement, before continuing.

"Anyway, so we looked around the room, and that was when Martha found the note," Harry said quietly, trying to control the emotion leaking into his tone.

"The note from the apparent kidnapper?" DI Harman asked, busily scribbling in his notebook.

"That's what… that's what we thought," Harry stuttered, trying his best to continue to meet the policemen in the eyes. "Because of Nikki's encounter with Bai Lưu in January, the whole tone of the letter seems to suggest it was him who took them. He must have taken them while I was in there with them," he realized out loud, with a sickening feeling and a fresh wave of guilt. "Whoever took Nikki and Josi, they must have plucked them out of the room while I was still in there, and I slept through the whole bloody thing! I was supposed to protect her, after last time, I was supposed to keep the both of them safe, and yet I slept right through it all…"

"But it's not your fault, Harry," Pieter insisted now. "You couldn't have known this was going to happen; there's no point blaming yourself. The only thing you can do now is help us find Nikki and Joycelin, Harry, you can't go back. You can't keep thinking 'what if?' you just can't, it'll destroy you. And you're going to need to be here waiting for when we find them, because if Nikki has been hurt in any way then she's going to need all the support you can give her." He looked down at the coffee table now, spotting the letter amongst a sea of debris. "Is this the note the kidnapper left behind?"

Harry, Leo, Janet and Martha all nodded, watching the faces of the policemen as they read through the letter.

"It certainly looks like it could have been the same man who raped her," Pieter agreed, slipping the note into a forensics bag. "It's too much of a coincidence to simply overlook." He got to his feet now, DI Harman mimicking his actions.

"If that's all you know, then I'm going to have to get back to the station, get working on this. We're going to need to send a forensics team down to search the house too, so you're all going to have to clear out for a while I'm afraid. But come to ours, Sara's going out of her mind," he told them, more of an instruction than an offer. "And one last thing; the front door was shut when you got up this morning, right?"

"Right," Martha confirmed. "That's what I don't understand. There was no sign of a break in, so how could whoever it was have gotten in and taken them both?"

"I don't know," Pieter admitted. "I don't know. There's a whole host of possibilities of course, we'll have to look into them. Now come on, you lot should pack a bag and get out of here before forensics arrive, that'll give us all the space we need, and the best chance of finding Nikki and Joycelin," he told them.

So that was how Harry ended up sat in a chair outside in Sara Laurence's garden, staring into space as the hours went by. His heart began to numb, the pain all becoming too much when the hour turned to midday. 6 hours; that was how long Nikki and Joycelin had been missing, to their knowledge. Nikki had been kidnapped before, but it had never before been more than 5 hours before she was found. And never before had she been potentially taken by anyone as dangerous and evil and Bai Lưu. It terrified him, the mere thought of what Nikki might be going through at that very moment, the pain she could be in. And the worst part was, there was absolutely nothing he could go about it. Nothing but wait.

**-13.45pm**

"Harry!" he could hear Sara calling his name from behind and turned around to find her walking towards him, a plate and a glass of water in her hands.

"Pieter's just been on the phone, she explained, taking a seat in the chair beside him and handing him the sandwich on the plate, shaking her head firmly when he tried to reject it.

"He shouldn't really be giving us details, but he did anyway. Listen, the police have run samples found at Martha's house in Joycelin's cot, on the door handles, against the DNA taken from Nikki's rape kit, back in January." She paused uncomfortably. "There's no easy way to say this Harry, but it's a match. It was the same man who raped Nikki back in January who took her and Josi, it was Bai Lưu. It was him. The police think the note suggests he wanted Josi, that he took Nikki more for convenience, maybe to look after her until she's old enough to look after herself- the lengths some people will go to in order to have a child are just unbelievable. Or maybe they tried to take Joycelin but woke Nikki up in the process, and decided it would be better to take her too than kill her, thank god. There's no trace of blood anywhere in the house, no evidence that he hurt either of them when he took them."

Harry's mind began to race, processing this new information. And suddenly, he was hit with a horrible realisation.

"But… but if he wanted Josi as his daughter, like the note seems to be suggesting, then she's going to be safe, right? The chances are, he's not going to hurt her. But if that theory's correct, if he raped Nikki for the baby at the end of it, for Joycelin, then he doesn't care about Niks in the slightest, does he? God, there's no telling what he might do to her!"

"It's just a theory," Sara assured him. "We don't know anything yet. But what we do know is that this case is very different to any of Bai Lưu's previous crimes. This one has all the markings of a sadistic rather than a psychopath, which means that whatever his reasons were for taking Nikki and Joycelin, he's going to keep them alive. He might hurt them, yes, but the chances are, he's going to keep them alive. Which gives us a much better chance of getting them back, Harry. You can't give up hope."

"But we've got no leads!" Harry explained, frustrated. "We know it was _him_, but the police have been trying to catch him for months, with no success whatsoever! We're… we're not going to find them, are we?" he said quietly, voicing his worst fear. "We've lost them."

"Harry, no, you mustn't think like that!" Sara said firmly, pulling him into a hug. "The police have got leads, Pieter just says they don't have anything solid enough to tell us yet. We are going to find them Harry. We will."

But there was an element of pain and uncertainty in her voice; something Harry wasn't used to hearing there and that scared him even more. Because even Sara didn't believe they would get Nikki and Joycelin back alive, he realized. Even Sara had given up hope already, before the search had begun.


	19. Alone

**I thought it was time to catch up with Nikki :) This one's pretty angsty, but I guess you guys were expecting that! Though this isn't the nasty one, I'll warn you when we get to that point. Thank you so much to Em, GemS, Thyqua, Lizzi, Amy and Dinabar for your reviews, virtual hugs coming your way :) Please keep the reviews coming, you know I love you for them :)**

**I'm off to Vietnam on Sunday, but I've got about 5 chapters stockpiled for you so far, and I'll try to get more done if I can. I'm probably not going to upload all the ones I get finished, simply because I probably won't have much time to write while I'm away, so I want to hold back a couple of chapters for you to have when I get back, so you don't have to wait for me to write new material, if that makes sense. But I promise to try and finish Pandora's Box before I leave, and get at least 5 chapters of this finished and ready for you. Hope that's OK :)**

**R and R, you know I love your feedback,**

**Love Flossie xxx**

**Chapter 18**

**Alone**

**Monday 10****th**** October 2011**

Harry didn't sleep that night, not in the slightest. How could he? It was almost 24 hours now, almost 24 hours since Nikki and Joycelin had been taken, and the police were at a loss. Pieter had phoned during the early evening to tell them that they could head back to Martha's, that the house had been fully searched and the forensics team were satisfied that they had obtained all the evidence they could from it, but that they still had nothing definite to share regarding Nikki and Joycelin's disappearance. Harry, Martha, Leo and Janet had all been questioned over the course of the day at the local police station, an experience which Harry would rather not think about. How he had managed to sit through questioning for 3 hours, being asked how his relationship was with Nikki, how he had taken to being a father to a child who wasn't technically his, whether he had ever felt compelled to act violently towards either of them… the list of god-awful questions just went on and on. The mere thought of them thinking he could have hurt Nikki and Joycelin made him feel physically sick to the stomach, though not as much as the visions plaguing his mind, of Nikki tied up, abused, cold, alone, of Joycelin left alone in dirt and cold, crying for her mother, her family, anyone who cared about her, but nobody coming. The only small mercy was that she was far too young to understand, that if they got her out now she wouldn't remember any of her ordeals when she was older. But it could still have a profound effect on her, he knew that much. And Nikki; Nikki _was_ going to remember it forever, was going to be haunted by this experience when she had only just begun to overcome the torture she was put through earlier in the year. How was she going to survive this? How could any of them?

He was lying on Nikki's side of the bed; something which he would have been glared at for by Nikki, were she there. She was very much a creature of habit, something which Harry found endearing about her, and which he teased her for but at the same time respected her for when it mattered. But he couldn't, not today. Because he could still smell her on the sheets as he buried his face in the pillows, pulling the duvet tightly around him simultaneously. He needed to feel close to her, having grown so used to holding her to him at night that he wasn't sure he would ever sleep again, not without her small, warm body pressed against his own, not without knowing she felt safe, felt loved. He knew she still couldn't go for more than a couple of hours in sleep without falling to the mercy of her demons, he knew that she hadn't recovered enough yet to be able to calm herself down when she was in that kind of state. One nightmare, one horrible thought: that was all it would take and she would be inconsolable, she would make herself ill sobbing that hard for so long. And there was nothing he could do about it. Christ, there was nothing he could do about it.

In all the time Harry had known Nikki, he had never known her to be in peril for this long before; only ever a couple of hours at the most. They had always managed to rescue her after a few hours in the past, but this time, she had been gone for almost a whole day, Joycelin with her. And they knew only too well that her kidnapper was not going to be afraid of hurting her. He had done it once already, shattering her soul into a thousand pieces. And now, Bai Lưu was given the opportunity to do it all over again.

But it wasn't just the thought of what Bai might do to Nikki that was scaring Harry, it was also the thought of what she might do to herself. Even if she was rescued tomorrow she would be blaming herself for months for putting Joycelin in danger, even though being kidnapped from what should have been a safe place was hardly her fault. He knew Nikki was still holding herself responsible for Joycelin being born so premature, for her knee having been dislocated at birth and for her needing the operation; he didn't know how much more guilt she could take before she snapped. And as for what she might do to herself physically if they didn't find her for days, weeks, months, even years… Harry could hardly bear to think of it. Even now she wasn't really eating properly, despite breast-feeding her daughter; it was as if she had gotten out of the habit over the past year and couldn't quite force herself back into a normal eating routine, no matter how hard she tried. Harry had been trying to do his best to stop worrying about it, telling himself that Nikki was doing a hundred times better than anyone had expected and would be back to normal within a few months, but now he was terrified for her once more. Terrified that she would stop eating again, terrified that she wouldn't be able to cope with being in Bai Lưu's clutches once more, all too aware that Joycelin was a major contributing factor in Nikki starting to recover and afraid that were Bai to take her daughter away from her, she would retreat back into her shell, become as fragile and vulnerable as she had been prior to Joycelin's birth, maybe even more so. And Harry wasn't sure she would cope with that all over again, especially all alone kidnapped by the one person she was most afraid of. God, he wasn't sure _he_ could cope with not knowing what she was going through, all by herself.

**Tuesday 11****th**** October 2011**

**-4.52am**

Her first conscious thought was one of extreme discomfort, closely followed by immense confusion. Her head hurt, that she realized almost instantly, her head hurt and she was horribly cold. Why was she so cold, Nikki wondered. It didn't get this cold in Africa at night, especially at the beginning of summer. How could she be so cold? More to the point, where was Harry? He couldn't be in bed with her; he was like her own personal hot water bottle at night, cuddling her, keeping her warm. Frowning, she opened her eyes slowly, moaning as her head began to throb violently. What the hell had she been doing last night? It couldn't be a hangover; she wouldn't have drunk anything when she was breastfeeding Joycelin every few hours. In fact, Nikki had realized a week or so ago with a great deal of surprise that she didn't think she had touched as much as a drop of alcohol since she had first discovered she was pregnant, way back in April when she had been in such a mess emotionally that she had hardly cared. She was surprised Harry and Leo hadn't sussed it out sooner, given that she hadn't been drinking. But that didn't matter; the upshot was that Nikki was convinced the headache could not be the beginning of a hangover. So what was it? It could be a migraine… she didn't know, she couldn't recall ever experiencing a migraine before in her life.

It was only then that Nikki began to take in her surroundings. She wasn't in the bed anymore, she realized, that's why she was so cold. God, she didn't think she was even in Martha's house anymore. But she didn't remember leaving, she realized, panic beginning to set in. She didn't remember how she ended up in this small, whitewashed room, freezing cold and windowless, lit by a single dingy light bulb hanging precariously from the ceiling and hidden away from the rest of the world by a heavy-looking metal door. All the warning signs were screaming that something was wrong, badly wrong. To Nikki, the room looked like a prison cell. And that, along with the fact that she didn't remember how she got there, that she had fallen asleep safe, warm and happy in Harry's arms and woken up here, was terrifying.

And then she heard it: a soft cry coming from the other side of the small room, from to the side. Nikki recognised it instantly, knowing it to be that of her baby and sitting bold upright, more afraid than she could ever recall being before in her life. She herself had been kidnapped before, and it was far from an experience she would ever want to repeat. But if Joycelin had been kidnapped too… as afraid as Nikki was, she would put herself through the most horrific of kidnapping experiences a thousand times over if it meant her daughter didn't have to go through it once. But if she had been kidnapped, and if Joycelin had been taken along with her… It was all her fault, god, it was all her fault. She still couldn't remember what had happened, how she had ended up here, but it must have been to do with her, it must have been someone who wanted to hurt her and, for one reason or another, ended up taking Joycelin too. It had to be. Why would anyone want to hurt an innocent baby?

"It's alright, sweetheart," Nikki called to her daughter, turning around to face the cot on the other side of the room and standing, walking towards it. "Die is in orde, ek kom. I'm coming."

But she had barely advanced a metre across the room before something pulled sharply against her wrist, shocking her as it yanked her to the ground. She looked down, the harsh reality of the situation she had found herself in suddenly hitting her as she noticed the heavy metal handcuff clamped tightly around her wrist, chaining her to the wall on the opposite side of the room. Her heart sinking, Nikki stretched out towards the cot from her position on the floor, trying in vain to reach it. But it was no good. Her fingers were just a matter of centimetres away from the railings of the cot, as though whoever had chained her to the wall had measured out the distance precisely, aiming to torture her mentally. She wanted to scream, to curse, to cry, but didn't dare, not while Joycelin could hear her. She wouldn't do that to her baby, not on top of everything else.

"Josi, it's OK, it's all OK," she tried to sooth her, doing her best to sound comforting, hoping that would be enough to calm her daughter down. But Joycelin just began to cry harder, the sound fast becoming unbearable to Nikki. As a mother she was supposed to look after her baby, to comfort her, and yet she couldn't even hold her in her arms. It reminded her of that horrible first week after giving birth, when Joycelin had been up on the neonatal unit and Nikki had been stuck downstairs on bed rest, desperate to see her baby yet barred from lifting her out of the incubator and barely able to make it up to the neonatal unit by herself. And now that same feeling of hopelessness was beginning to take her over once more, magnified by the uncertainty of the situation which hadn't been there at the hospital; what if they didn't survive this? Oh god, what if her baby didn't survive this, her life over before it was even begun?


	20. Terror

**OK, this is the first of the chapters to keep you all entertained while I'm away :) I'm not actually leaving until the early hours of Sunday morning, but I'm going to be quite busy packing and stuff today so I'm uploading these chapters now. There are 5 of them at the moment, and there should be a one shot coming your way soon if I manage to finish it. I'm afraid you're going to have to wait until next Saturday/Sunday for the ending of Pandora's box depending on how flights home work out, but it is coming, don't worry! Just can't quite get it right yet!**

**Dinabar- and anyone else who doesn't like nasties with children, this one could be counted as mild nastiness, just a warning. It's difficult to tell when you wrote it yourself- my 10 year old sister read it without batting an eyelid (I know, I know, she's starting young!), whereas my mom cried- so it's up to you whether you read it or not :) It's not mega horrible I don't think and it's certainly still T rating, but if you don't want to read then I understand.**

**Have a great week guys, and please please please leave me lots of lovely reviews to read when I get back! And thanks to Amy, Thyqua, shiningbeacon, dinabar, Lizzi, Em, gemS and starr123 for reviewing the last chapter, did I mention how AMAZING you guys all are? No, seriously, I'm so grateful to you all for being such fantastic reviewers, I truly am lucky to have you :) And if you want to join them, all you have to do is press the button at the bottom of the page :)**

**Enjoy, and try and pace yourselves a little, if you can!**

**Love Flossie xxx**

***Chapter 19 ***

**Terror**

**Tuesday 11****th**** October 2011**

**-3.34am**

It seemed like an eternity to Nikki before the key finally turned in the lock and the heavy iron door swung open. She was going out of her mind with worry: after a while Joycelin's cries had faded to weak, abandoned whimpers, breaking her mother's heart, before fading away completely. Nikki remembered what had happened now, how her father had turned up in the middle of the night and tricked her into answering the door, before knocking her out with some kind of tranquilizer bullet. It was her father who was behind all this. Who on earth did that to their own daughter: kidnapped them and their baby and locked them up in such a cruel, taunting manner? But that wasn't what was worrying her right now, she had much bigger problems than her own safety, her own feelings of betrayal, hurt and confusion at what her father had done. No, the thing which was leaving her terrified was the fact that her daughter's cries had faded away into nothing. And there was nothing Nikki could do was wait until someone came into the room, and beg them to give her Joycelin. She didn't know how long she had been held, or for how long she had been knocked out, after all. What if poor Joycelin was starving, crying because she hadn't been fed for hours? Nikki had tried, but she couldn't remember ever being told anything at medical school as to how long 2 ½ month old babies could go without being fed. She supposed most people wouldn't be as cruel as to try and experiment. And what if Joycelin wasn't… she wasn't… she was OK but she lost her trust in her mother, knowing enough even as such a small, helpless baby to know that she had been screaming and screaming, telling her mother that she was hungry, that she wanted to be fed, and yet still she hadn't been looked after? She was too young to understand the situation, too young to know that her mother couldn't reach her. And Nikki didn't know if she could bear that, being rejected by her daughter.

She was all ready to scream blue murder at her father when he opened the door, yet at the same time, Nikki knew she couldn't. She needed to persuade him to let her hold Joycelin, whatever it took, and if she had to stay controlled and beg him, then that was simply what she had to do. Her own dignity didn't matter anymore; all that mattered was her little girl, lying starved and neglected on the other side of the room. She would do anything to protect her. Anything.

But it wasn't Nikki's father who emerged from the other side of the door; it wasn't even someone she recognised. It was a woman, a short, oriental woman with greying hair and sharp features, yet somehow her face was sad and sympathetic. The two of them looked into each other's eyes in silence for a moment, each studying the other, before Nikki spoke up.

"Can I hold her? She needs feeding, she's…" she fought back the tears, determined that she wouldn't let the woman see her cry, not now. Her mind was full of a thousand questions, and although Nikki longed for the answers, that wasn't the priority. She would worry about where she was and why once she was certain that her baby was OK, not before.

"I need to know she's alright. Please?"

The older woman sighed and nodded, reaching over into the cot and lifting out Joycelin.

"Yes. But just for while. Then she go back."

She clearly did not speak much in the way of English, but that didn't matter to Nikki, not as the woman walked over to her and placed the baby in her arms. Joycelin was lying perfectly still, her eyes closed, and Nikki began to panic, checking her over frantically before she calmed down enough to notice the rise and fall of her bay's chest as she breathed. She was probably exhausted, poor thing, completely drained of energy and starving hungry.

"Josi!" Nikki said softly, lifting her daughter up to drape her over her shoulder and patting her back, trying to contain her fear as she attempted to wake her baby up. "Joycelin, come on sweetheart, can you open your eyes for me? Joycelin!"

The baby let out a soft, weak cry and opened her eyes, looking up at her mother with a look Nikki had never seen on the 2 ½ month old's face before. Fear. That's what it was. She knew Joycelin was too young to understand what was going on, but she knew her baby well enough to be able to read her facial expressions. She was afraid. And who could blame her?

"You haven't got any energy, have you darling?" Nikki murmured, rearranging her clothing slightly before bringing her daughter down to her chest to feed her. Joycelin looked up at her mother for a moment wearily, before latching on and beginning to feed greedily, clearly famished.

"How long was I unconscious?" Nikki asked Lan now, the anger evident in her voice. "How long has she had to go without being fed?"

"You sleep for 24 hours," Lan said quietly, looking down at the floor. "I try to feed her bottle few times, she take little. I try."

"24 hours?" Nikki repeated, her blood boiling as she looked down at her baby again, all too aware of how weak and lifeless she seemed. "You let a 2 month old baby go for a whole 24 hours with only small amounts of formula? She's not used to bottles; of course she wasn't going to take it! Have you seen how weak she is? You can't do that to a baby, you just can't, she's too young to go for so long without being fed! You could starve her to death! It's OK," she said gently, turning back to Joycelin as she whimpered and grabbed at her hair, clearly having been upset by her mother's rant. "I'm sorry, Josi, I'm so sorry. You're starving, aren't you?" she sighed, noticing her daughter was still feeding. I don't blame you. But I won't let that happen again, sweetheart, I promise, OK? I promise."

"I put her back when she fed," the older woman interrupted, as if reminding Nikki that these moments with her daughter were short lived. "I put her back."

"I know, you said," Nikki snapped angrily, infuriated. "But you might be waiting a while. She's starving, because you left her for so long without feeding her properly. So I think we'll take all the time we need, thanks."

The woman didn't argue back, just nodded in acknowledgment and stepped back, yet that didn't comfort Nikki in the slightest. What kind of people would starve a baby like that? What sort of father could do this to his own daughter? She didn't know. But she had a horrible, sickening feeling that things were going to get worse. Much worse. And so she gripped Joycelin a little tighter, playing with her small fingers, cuddling her to her chest in a desperate attempt to show her that she loved her, that she as her mother was going to do everything in her power to protect her. Nikki only hoped that somehow, her daughter understood.


	21. Realization

**2****nd**** holiday chapter :) Sorry this one's a bit short, but the next few are much longer to make up for it! And this one is officially back to normal angsty levels :) OK guys, so you know the drill: read, review, think of the poor orphan children in Ho Chi Minh City and remember it's all for a good course, and I'll be back before you know it :)**

**Love Flossie xxx**

**Chapter 20**

**Realization**

**Tuesday 10****th**** October 2011**

**-7.29am**

It was another couple of hours before the door finally opened. Nikki sat up, alert, as she heard the sound of the key turning noisily in the door, closely followed by creaking as the door itself was pulled open.

"Niks?"

Now she climbed to her feet angrily, recognising the voice at once. It was her father. It was her father, her kidnapper, and she had every intention of giving him hell.

"Niks?" her father repeated, stepping around the door and into the room, bolting it shut firmly before walking towards her. "Niks, I'm so sorry."

"Oh you are, are you?" Nikki asked sarcastically, trying to walk towards him, but being stopped just short by the chain clamped around her wrist. She had to fight back the urge to scream out in frustration, knowing it wouldn't be fair on Joycelin, lying in the cot on the other side of the room. She didn't deserve this, and although Nikki couldn't do anything about them being held captive, she could control the way she reacted to the situation. She still had it in her power to keep as calm as possible, to ensure that her daughter did not become even more distressed than she potentially already was. And that was a power she had to keep hold of, no matter how bad things got.

"Well, if you were really sorry, then you wouldn't have done it, would you?" she said angrily, though careful to restrain herself from shouting. "You kidnapped me, Dad! And not only that, you took my daughter too; you took a 2 ½ month old baby away from her home! What kind of sick person does that? God, I knew you were a bastard, but I never thought you'd stoop so low as to do this! What's this about, then? Money? Because if this is some kind of stunt to get more money out of me…"

"Nikki, do you really think I'd do this to you just for money?" Victor pleaded with her. "I'm your father, I love you! Why would I want to hurt you?"

"You tell me!" his daughter snapped in reply. "I'd like to think you wouldn't hurt me, yes, but under the circumstances I'm finding that a little difficult to believe."

"I know," Victor sighed. "I know Niks, and I know how it looks, but I never wanted to hurt you, I swear. I wouldn't have done this if I didn't have to."

"You had to?" Nikki asked, curiosity kicking in but not quite managing to suppress her anger at her father. "What do you mean, you had to? I think ransom tends to work the other way around, Dad- the people you owe money to are supposed to be the ones who kidnap Josi and me, not you!"

"Why do you always assume everything's about money?" Victor exploded, seemingly unaware of Joycelin beginning to cry, startled by his outburst. "Do you really think of me as that shallow? And don't you dare bring up your mother!" he shouted, seeing the look on his daughter's face and guessing what she was going to say next. "Don't you dare do what you always do and drag up the same old chestnuts! I'm so sorry this had to happen, Nikki, I really am, but you're not the only victim here you know! Don't try and make me feel guilty about this; it wasn't my fault, OK! I had to do it!"

"You had to, did you?" Nikki retorted. "I don't believe you. Why, then? Why did you have to?"

"Because he made me," Victor whispered, crossing the room and attempting to wrap his arms around his daughter, sighing as she flinched away from him, sliding down the wall into a seated position on the floor. "I'm sorry; he tricked me, he locked me up for weeks and then said he'd kill me if I didn't go along with this, I didn't have any choice."

"Who?" Nikki asked suspiciously, her blood suddenly running cold. She was thinking back to a conversation she had almost a year ago now, a conversation she had been trying to forget. Up until now she hadn't given how its content related to her a second thought, but now… oh god, now it was all beginning to make perfect sense.

"_He wanted to recruit children from the other side of the border, to train them up, get them accepted into the specialized academies back in North Korea. He thought if we could get them into the palace as entertainers, visitors to the government on the behalf of the children of Chongjin, as he had done as a child, then they would have an opportunity we could never dream of. He wanted us to send the children in to invade the place, to steal important documents, cause havoc, and then… and then assassinate every official in the place! Crazy, right? How the hell can you even think a plan like that would work, let alone expect a child to carry it out?"_

"Please don't tell me," Nikki said quietly, her voice trembling, "that Bai Lưu has anything to do with this." But she knew the answer, even before Victor's facial expression gave it all away. She knew now exactly what she was dealing with. And Nikki wasn't sure she had ever felt so terrified in her life.


	22. Phonecall home

**This chapter is to remind us all that even 38 year old grown men need their mummys sometimes :) Poor Harry :( Hope you all enjoyed the last few chapters, I would say I'm loving being back out here but I haven't actually left yet :) R and R, and I look forward to your feedback when I get home. And if there's anything you want to see included in future chapters, feel free to drop me a line, and I'll try and work it in. **

**Emma- I know you asked when the next year of the rooster chappie was going to be a week or so ago, and I'm sorry, I haven't forgotten! I promise it will be the FIRST one up when I get home! And I owe you a big hug for being so patient :) xoxox**

**Enjoy,**

**Love Flossie xxx**

**Chapter 21**

**Phone call home**

**Tuesday 11****th**** October 2011**

**-5.49am**

Harry got up early the following morning, having spent most of the night wide awake and unable to sleep. There was no point lying in bed for the sake of it any longer, not when he could be doing something useful, no matter how small. Because it wasn't just about trying to find Nikki and Joycelin, there were other things which needed to be done too. And it was those little tasks, Harry decided, that might be enough to keep him going, to keep his mind occupied and hold the fear and the bad thoughts at bay, which might somehow keep him sane until they found his family. _When _they found his family, not if. He refused to consider the possibility that Nikki and Joycelin might never be found; it was too painful. It was far too painful.

His mind made up, Harry dragged himself out of bed, pulling open the curtains and wincing as the harsh African sunrise hit him, suddenly aware of just how little sleep he had managed to get. But he refused to feel sorry for himself, not when he knew that Nikki had it a thousand times worse. God, all the while she and Joycelin were missing, he didn't think he would ever be able to feel sorry for himself ever again.

Once out of bed, Harry dressed quickly, shutting the bedroom door before sitting back down on the bed and pulling out his mobile and notebook from the bedside table. He had made a list the night before of jobs to do, some things which might help in the search for his family, some things which wouldn't help find Nikki but which needed to be done anyway, and some things which might simply give him something to focus on which wasn't the police investigation, or his pain at losing his family.

The first thing on his list was to phone his mother. Much of the phoning around of Nikki's family and friends had been done already by the police the day before, just to be sure no one had heard from her, that she hadn't just taken off somewhere with her baby for reasons best known only to herself. But no one had known anything. Well, no one the police had managed to get hold of had known anything: the police had tried numerous times to get through to Nikki's father, but to no avail. Not that it was unusual for Victor to behave like that though, and after the latest meeting between father and daughter at the hospital back in August, Harry wasn't convinced Nikki would even want her father to know that she was missing.

Part of Harry wondered if he should phone everyone in her phone book back to update them on the investigation, but he had crossed that task off his list almost immediately after writing it down, realising that there was no way he was going to be able to talk about it once, let alone 20 odd times over. Perhaps sending a universal text would be better, or getting Leo to phone. He didn't know. He would have to discuss things with the others later, come up with a plan.

In the meantime, though, Harry was going to phone his mother. He hadn't been in contact with her for a week or so, and she was expecting him to be flying home tomorrow, along with Nikki and Joycelin. Plus the police were planning on getting news of Nikki and Joycelin's disappearance on British television today, on the off chance that Bai might try and move them back to the UK, or that someone might have heard something, seen something… It was a long shot, but it was worth a try. And the last thing Harry wanted was for his mother to hear about Nikki and Josi's disappearance on the television, especially knowing that the two of them were now in a relationship. No, that wouldn't be fair. He was going to have to phone her.

His hands were shaking as the phone began to connect, and he almost bottled out a few times, severely tempted to hang up and not bother. But Harry knew he couldn't. He had to tell his mother, no matter how painful it was going to be. He had to be strong, for her, for Nikki, for everyone. He couldn't bottle out now.

"Hello?" his mother called down the phone line groggily, her voice slightly hoarse.

"Hi Mum," Harry said numbly, not entirely sure how to begin. He was beginning to wish he had thought this conversation through before he had picked up the phone, decided what to say and how to say it. Perhaps this wasn't such a good idea after all.

"Harry?" his mother asked wearily. "Harry, it's… it's 5 in the morning here!"

"Is it? It is," Harry remembered, suddenly feeling guilty. He had known it was 5 in the morning, he had, honestly. But he had forgotten. 'God, pull yourself together Harry,' he told himself, realising that all this was already starting to mess with his head. He had to get a grip. He couldn't let this get to him. Nikki was going to need him when they found her, and he wouldn't be any good if he was falling apart himself.

"Mum, I'm sorry," Harry sighed. "I'm sorry, I… I needed to speak to you and I was going to call later but I… I guess I forgot the time."

"Harry? Harry, what's wrong?" Anne questioned him, her voice suddenly filled with concern. "Has something happened? Is it Nikki, have you two had a fall out? Is Joycelin doing OK?"

"They're…" Harry began, swallowing as he battled to control the emotion in his voice. "They've been kidnapped, Mum."

"What?" his mother sounded much more alert now; Harry could imagine her sitting up in bed, balancing the phone on her shoulder as she flicked on the bedside lamp. "They've been kidnapped? My god, what happened? Are you OK?"

"Mum, I'm fine," Harry insisted, refusing to accept any sympathy himself. "Don't worry about me; I'm fine."

"Physically maybe, but emotionally, of course you aren't," Anne disagreed. "Come on, tell me what happened."

"That's just it; we don't know," Harry said shakily, trying desperately to keep the tears at bay. "No one knows what happened. We just… we went to sleep, the two of us, Nikki was right next to me in the bed and Josi was asleep in the cot at the foot, and I woke up the following morning- Sunday morning- and… and they were both gone. But there was a note, in the cot…" Harry gulped, composing himself, before continuing. "A note from the… from the kidnapper. It was him; it was the man who raped Nikki back in January, Joycelin's biological father. Bai Lưu. He kidnapped them, and we have no idea why."

There was no sound from the other end of the line for a few moments; Harry assumed his mother was digesting the news, unsure of what to say. He didn't blame her. It wasn't exactly the sort of situation that was even remotely easy to handle.

"My god, I…" Anne stuttered at last, seemingly shocked to the core. "Oh Harry, I'm so sorry, darling, I had no idea. Oh, why didn't you phone? You should have phoned yesterday, Harry!"

"I know," Harry admitted sheepishly. "I know, it's just, everything was so hectic…"

"Of course, I'm sorry, I don't blame you…"

"I needed to let you know today though," Harry continued, not trusting himself to tell the whole story if he did not do so now. "The police out here want to get it in the UK news as of today, so I thought I should probably let you know beforehand, rather than letting you find out off the television or out of a newspaper, or some other horrible way like that."

"They're putting the story out to the media?" Anne repeated. "Well, that can only be a good thing, can't it? The more people keeping an eye out for them, even subconsciously, the more likely it is they'll be found."

"It theory, yes," Harry said quietly, now beginning to voice his worst fears. "But the man who kidnapped them; he's ruthless, Mum. There's no telling what he might do to them, before we manage to get them back. The police think he might have raped Nikki in the hope that she'd become pregnant, so he could have a child, but that would suggest he doesn't give a toss about Niks. He could have…" The tears were flowing freely now, rolling uncontrollably down his cheeks, all his manliness and dignity long gone. "He could have killed her already, Mum. She could be gone; he could have dumped her somewhere and taken Joycelin off to Vietnam- I mean, he's left her passports behind, we checked, but after everything we already know he's been involved in, a fake passport would be a walk in the park. I can't lose them!" he sobbed, finally losing all control of his emotions. "You know, Nikki asked me to be Josi's dad the other day. And I never… I never thought I'd be a father, you know, I never thought I wanted children, but the moment I looked at her, Mum, I just… I just knew, somehow. I just knew that I didn't care that she wasn't biologically my child, I knew I loved her like I love Nikki. I've only just found them, Mum, I can't lose them now!"

"I know, darling," Anne sighed, the calm, sympathetic tone of her voice somehow not as comforting as it had been when Harry had been a child. "I know, it's the uncertainty of the whole thing, isn't it? Listen, you're not on your own, are you? Please Harry, tell me you're not on your own."

"No, I'm still at Martha's," Harry told her, hearing his mother sigh in relief at this revelation. "Leo and Janet are here until tomorrow evening, but they really need to get back; they're supposed to by flying out to Saigon on the 20th to adopt their baby."

"That's right, I remember you telling me," Anne recalled. "So it's just going to be you, Martha and Sara's family out there once they've come home, is that right? Listen; do you want me to fly out there? Maybe I can help."

"Thanks for the offer, but I'm not sure there's an awful lot you can do," Harry told her, sighing. "I just… I don't know what to do. We know who took Nikki and Josi, it's not like the police are drawing a complete blank there- quite the opposite- but that doesn't make it any easier trying to find them. The police have managed to draw up a list of known associates of Bai Lưu, I think they're trying to go through them all today, see if any of them could be involved in the kidnapping. There's not a lot more they can do, except for keep appealing for information from the public, hoping that someone will know something and come forward, go door to door, that kind of thing. They're monitoring the country boarders and the airports in case he tries to get either of them out of the country, checking passports, anyone travelling with young babies, checking the backs of lorries and other vehicles in case he tries to smuggle them out of the country… It's just… you don't ever imagine this sort of thing happening, do you? You read about it, you see it on the news, but you don't ever think it'll happen to you. And then it does, and you don't know what to think, or to say, or to do to try and help; it's hell. It's absolute hell."

"I know, I can't even imagine," Anne sighed. "It must be absolute agony, not knowing. What are the police like in South Africa?"

"They're OK," Harry told her. "They don't have a great reputation, but I think that's partly because the crime rate's much higher here than it is in the UK, it's been like that since apartheid, apparently. The policeman assigned to the case is Pieter Lamprecht, Sara's husband, so he's been great. I think it helps that he knows Nikki, he's got children himself, he understands."

"That's good," Anne said encouragingly. "That means everyone will be doing their best to find Nikki and Josi, doesn't it? And what about Nikki's family, have you contacted them yet? I know she hasn't got much in the way of one, her mother died, didn't she, and her relationship with her father is somewhat strained; he turned up at the hospital and reduced her to tears in front of the baby, I think you said…?"

"That's probably the understatement of the year," Harry sighed, suddenly aware of how much he must have talked about Nikki, even before the two of them had got together. "Her mother died, yes, and her father, god, he's hopeless, Mum. We've tried to contact him, but no one's managed to get through to him. And then I don't think she has any other biological family, she's never mentioned anyone, and Martha says both of her parents were only children, so no aunts or uncles. I don't know. I just feel so sorry for her; the more the police look through her phone book for people to talk to, to see if they might have heard from her, the more it becomes apparent that half the people in there are work colleagues."

"But she's got you, Harry," Anne reminded her son. "She's got you; you mustn't forget that. You can't know what's happening to her, but as long as she's got you, Nikki's going to keep fighting, isn't she? You've got to hang on to that. You can't let it go, because that's going to be your lifeline, Harry. That's going to keep you going, even when things get impossibly tough. And Harry?"

"Hmm?"

"Does this mean you've gone and made me a grandmother?"

Harry laughed, despite himself. "Yes, I suppose so. Sorry, I think I've just unintentionally branded you as 'old'."

"Oh, don't worry about that," Anne told him light-heartedly. "Judging by the photographs you sent, she's beautiful, Harry. I don't think I'm going to object to being a grandmother to a baby as beautiful as Josi. You'll find her Harry," she said quietly, somehow sensing Harry's sudden change in mood. "You'll find her."


	23. His plan revealed

**I'm not sure about this one, but here it is anyway :) I'm not sure it's quite in character, so your feedback is much appreciated. This is the penultimate chapter for this week, so if you've paced it I'm nearly home, and if not then you'll have to go back to the beginning if you want to read more :)**

**Hope you like, and please review, I promise to read them all when I get home!**

**Love Flossie xxx**

**Chapter 22**

**His plan revealed**

**Tuesday 11****th**** October 2011**

**-9.24am**

"It's going to be OK," Nikki told her daughter softly, kissing the top of her head as she held her over her shoulder, fast asleep and oblivious. "It's all going to be OK sweetheart, I promise. I'm not going to let the horrible man take you away from me, not now, not ever. He's not really your daddy, you know that?" she whispered, cautious that she didn't want anyone to hear her, yet determined to tell her daughter everything she needed to say, just in case. "I might be a scientist, I might know how genetics work, but I also know that DNA isn't the be-all and end-all. He's not your dad, Josi, he never will be. Harry's your dad, I want you to remember that. Harry's your dad. You're not listening to a word of this, are you?" she laughed, watching her baby's face as she stirred slightly in her sleep and yawned, grabbing a handful of her mother's hair. "You won't remember a word when you wake up. But I just… I need you to know that I love you, OK? Just in case they… they split us up, I need you to know that. And if they do Josi… if they do, then I'm never going to stop fighting to get you back, OK? I promise."

Nikki could hear the door beginning to creak open now and clutched her baby to her tightly, somehow sensing who was about to enter the room. She looked up from her position on the floor, shaking, her heart suddenly filled with dread. Still no one had told her exactly why she was here- her father had simply placed Joycelin in her arms following her question and left the room hastily- but she had her suspicions. And if she was right, if Bai Lưu's plan all along had been to get her pregnant and take her baby off to North Korea on some kind of suicide mission, then he could forget it; there was no way he was taking her baby away from her. No one was, not if she could help it.

It had been months since Nikki had last laid eyes on Bai Lưu: some of them months of emotional torture and feelings of hopelessness, others months in which things had started to get better. But however far she had come since that day in June, when she had almost got both her and Joycelin killed and Harry had finally worked out what was going on with her, she still had not reached a point at which she was able to face her kidnapper, her rapist, without breaking down. And so the moment he stepped into the room, the moment she saw him, looking down at her as if she were nothing, suddenly her chest tightened, and she couldn't breathe. Nikki leant back against the wall heavily, supporting Joycelin with one hand and using the other to cover her mouth, trying to somehow conceal her fear. But it wasn't working; she could tell that from the very look on Bai's face, the way he was sneering at her, taunting her.

"I bet you weren't counting on seeing me again, were you?" Bai sneered, crouching down next to her, addressing Nikki but his eyes focused on Joycelin. "I did try to tell you. I gave you all the information you needed to work out my plan back in January, you just never put the pieces together until now, did you? I have to admit, I was worried you were going to abort her. I'm still surprised you didn't, not that I'm complaining. I'd have just had to come back for another go if you had, you know. It was always going to be you Nikki, remember that. It was always going to be you I chose for this."

It was like a scene from a nightmare. She couldn't fight back, she couldn't escape, she couldn't even speak, couldn't tell him how dare he speak about her baby like that, suggest that she would have aborted her. Nikki was still struggling with her guilt at having felt so hostile towards Joycelin during those few months before her birth, those months before she had grown attached to her, when her baby had been nothing but a reminder of her earlier ordeal. But even then, even when she had been at her lowest, before she had let her guard down and fallen head-over-heels in love with Joycelin, she had never even considered abortion. Maybe that was the beginnings of the love she felt for her now; Nikki didn't know. She knew that there was nothing wrong with abortion, that it was the choice of the woman in question, and yet the tone Bai was using… he seemed to be using the idea of abortion to suggest that she didn't love Joycelin, not as much as he did. And the very idea of that was just outrageous to her. She wanted to fight back, she wanted to tell him that, but it was as if she was paralysed; she couldn't find the words. And the more Bai stood over her, laughing at her, the worse that feeling of paralysis became.

"I suppose you're wondering what's going to happen, are you?" Bai asked, reaching over to stroke Joycelin's hair and laughing as Nikki flinched away, pulling her baby with her. "Oh come on, I'm not going to hurt her! I would have hurt her a long time ago if I was ever going to, I promise you that. No, that's not what I want."

"But you… you do want to… to take… her away from me…" Nikki managed, the words coming in short bursts as she struggled to control her breathing.

"Well yes, that's the long-term plan," Bai replied matter-of-factly, laughing again at the look of pure horror on Nikki's face. "Don't look at me like that, it's not my fault I have to do this! Anyway, she's not even 3 months old yet; you can't talk to her, you can't play with her, you have to do everything for her… don't tell me you're attached to her yet. And it's not like I'm taking her now, that's the whole point of you being here. I don't know anything about babies; I wouldn't have a clue as to what to do with her. But you do, you're her mum. So you're going to look after her for me until she's a bit older, old enough for me to take over, and then I'll let you go. I'll take her to North Korea, hand her over to the Phoenix Movement, and that way they might forgive me for all the previous disasters we've had with the other children we've tried to use. And once she's fulfilled her purpose, whatever that ends up being, once the Phoenix Movement have taken control of things in North Korea, they'll let me have her back Nikki, that's what I was told! I'll take her out to China, Japan, anywhere, and I'll look after her, I can be a proper father to her! She won't be in any danger again, just once, I swear! She'll be well looked after, she'll be happy, communism in Korea will be gone and the Phoenix Movement will move on to the issue of Vietnam, they won't need us anymore, we'll be safe! Don't you see, it's perfect!"

"And what about me?" Nikki asked through her tears, unable to control herself any longer. "How do I fit into your 'grand plan'? I'm her mother, you can't just take her away from me like that; you can't put her in such a dangerous situation without my consent! God, never mind that, you can't kidnap us, you can't hold me here with the sole aim to take my baby away from me when you feel like it! You… you just can't!"

"She's my baby too!" Bai shouted. "You can just go and have another one once I've let you go, you can have a child with Harry if you're that desperate to be a parent! But I need our baby, can't you see that? I need to hand her over to the Phoenix Movement, for their stupid, hair-brained plan, or else they're going to kill me, Nikki! You might not believe it, but I don't want to be doing this to her, or to you! But I don't want to die, I don't want them to murder me in cold blood, the way I've had to dispose of so many others! And if this is what I have to do to ensure that doesn't happen, then I'm sorry, but I'm going to do it!"

And with that said, he plucked Joycelin out of Nikki's arms, ignoring her screams in protest as he headed towards the door.

"I just want an hour or so with her," he explained. "That's all. I'll bring her right back, I promise. I'm not feeding her, I'm not changing her diaper; I'll have to. Don't worry."

But Nikki simply didn't know whether to believe him or not. He seemed to be telling her the truth, this time at least, but after everything Bai had already done to her, she concluded that he was perfectly capable of lying to her. And so the moment the door was bolted shut, Nikki let out an agonising scream, lashing out at the wall in a mixture of emotional torment and frustration. She needed her baby back; she needed to know that she was safe, that she wasn't going to be put in danger. She just couldn't fight back the nagging thought at the back of her mind that she might never see Joycelin again, that Bai might carry her off now, take her far away where no one could ever find them. She couldn't live with that, she couldn't just 'not get attached' and adopt a child, the way Bai seemed to think she could. The only child she wanted was Joycelin. And as she sat there, curled up in a ball on the floor, her body shaking with sobs, she knew in her heart that unless she and Joycelin were rescued soon, she might lose her daughter forever.


	24. Dear Nikki I

**Last one for now :( I think this might be one of my favourite chapters so far, don't know what you guys think? Let me know :) Hope you all have/have had a good week, big hugs to everyone who has reviewed so far, and I'll thank you properly soon. Next chapter: we find out whether it's Martha who recognised Joycelin in the market, and there might just be a glimmer of hope at the end of the tunnel… Please don't lose interest this week, there's plenty more to come, and I promise an update for you on SUNDAY 17****th**** JULY, maybe a day sooner. Remember that date people!**

**And before I go, I just want to take this moment to thank all you amazing people who read and review my stories, especially my regulars. You guys honestly don't know how much your kind words mean to me, and none of this would be possible if it wasn't for you :) Seriously. So don't forget me this week (I'm getting really nervous I'll come home and have 0 reviewers :(, and I'll be back writing fanfic for you as soon as I can! :) Love you all xx**

**Love Flossie xxxx**

**Chapter 23**

**Dear Nikki I**

**Tuesday 11****th**** October 2011**

**-11.56pm**

Dear Nikki,

I know exactly what you'd be saying if you were here with me now. You'd be telling me how late it is, that it's almost midnight and I need to be getting to sleep. When you became the queen of decent bedtimes, I don't know, because you always used to be a bit of a night owl, but I suppose 2 ½ months of night feeds with Joycelin have cured you of that. Maybe it's something which comes with motherhood?

I'm rambling. Anyway, the upshot is, I'm still awake, writing this in the middle of the night, because as soppy as it might sound, I can't sleep without you. I tried last night, and it didn't work. I can't sleep knowing the torture you might be going through, both emotionally and physically. And the bed still smells of you; I never noticed before you were taken, but you seem to manage to leave the scent of wild roses wherever you go. Not that it's a bad thing, I love that smell. It's just that it's comforting for a little while, but before long it starts to remind me that you're not here. I know, I know, I should just change the bed sheets. But somehow I can't bring myself to do it; it'd be like trying to wipe you out of existence. Does that sound weird?

I don't think I'm ever going to be able to let you read this, am I? You'd laugh at me too much. It's meant for you though, this letter. It's kind of like what I did for Josi before she was born, but instead, it's for you, to show you that I'm still thinking of you, that you'll always be a part of my life, that I never, ever stopped looking for you and Joycelin. You'll never be forgotten, I promise you that. Even if it's another ten years from now before we find you, you'll never be forgotten in those ten years, not for a second.

It's day 2 now; the second day of your disappearance, and I promise you Nikki, we're doing everything we can to find you. Sara's husband Pieter is the detective working on your case, so he knows you, he knows Joycelin, and he knows how much you've already been through this year. He's going to fight to make sure we get you back, I promise you that. He's been fantastic, following up every possible line of enquiry, leaving no stone unturned. If anyone can find you, it's Pieter.

We know who it is who's kidnapped you both now; you ran some DNA samples from the note he left behind. I'm so sorry, Nikki. I know I promised I'd never let him hurt you again, and I know I left you down. He took you from right under my nose, Niks, that's what I can't get my head around. He must have taken you in the middle of the night, whilst I was asleep, and I didn't even stir. And how did he even get into the house? The door was still locked when I finally did wake up and realized you and Josi were gone, none of the windows were broken… I just don't understand it. We'll figure it out though, don't worry. We'll find you, whatever it takes. We'll find you, and we'll find him and lock the bastard up and throw away the key. I know it's what I said last time Nikki, before all this happened, but this time I mean it more than I've ever meant anything in my life: I'm never going to let him hurt you again. Even if it means never letting you out of my sight for more than a minute at a time, I swear to god, he's not going to have the chance to hurt you again, not once we've found you. I promise.

I had to do a television appeal today. It wasn't exactly the best experience of my life, let's put it like that. Pieter managed to arrange a press conference to be aired live on television; apparently the quicker we can circulate news of your disappearance, the more people we can inform in as short a space of time as possible, the better chance we have of someone reporting something, however small, which might lead us back to you and Joycelin. And so before I even knew what was happening, I was being escorted into a television studio along with a photograph of you and Joycelin, told the sort of thing I should say, etc. Martha came with me; the police wanted her to do additional appeals in Afrikaans and other African languages I wouldn't have a clue about, to try and reach the vast majority of the population. All I could think of as we were waiting to go in was a conversation I had with you a couple of years ago, during the Liam Neil case, when your old science teacher was making a television appeal himself. 'We know they only get them to do these appeals to see how they react,' that's what I told you. And from the moment I remembered that, suddenly I felt as if I were on trial already.

I wish I could tell you that I remained completely calm and controlled throughout the appeal, that I came across as distraught yet desperate to have you back whilst still keeping my emotions under control. But I can't lie to you Nikki, and once we get you home the rest of South Africa will tell you what really happened, anyway. I cried. I, Harry Cunningham, home office pathologist and usually distinctly masculine, broke into full-on sobs halfway through the appeal and Martha had to take over. I know, I know, don't laugh. But I couldn't bear it. I couldn't bear thinking that he might have been watching, taunting us. I just couldn't control myself.

You know what, I'm definitely never going to be able to show you this, am I? I don't think I'd have any dignity left if I did. But maybe that's OK; maybe it's not the end of the world if you get to see what a mess I've been left in in the wake of your disappearance. I'm still not convinced you know how much you mean to me, to anyone; maybe reading my messed-up waffling might help you to finally see that. I'll think about it.

I'm not sure what's happening tomorrow; we're very much taking things one day at a time at the moment. No- scrap that- I do know what's happening tomorrow: Leo and Janet are flying back to London. But that's not because they don't care about you Nikki, not in the slightest, I swear. It's because they need to go and pick up Jasper from Saigon in a few days' time, and they need to go home to get themselves sorted. But they're not giving up on you, I promise. Nobody is. I'm going to keep them updated on everything that goes on out here, and they're planning on heading back out here rather than going home once they've officially adopted Jasper. Either that, or they can help from London somehow; we'll think of something they can do out there. But we're going to keep looking Nikki, everyone is. We're never going to stop, not until we find you and Joycelin. I promise.

That's all from me for now; perhaps I should try and get some sleep, for you, so you don't murder me when I let you read this. Besides, I need to be alert tomorrow, I need to be awake, so I can help with the investigation. Because I don't care how long it takes, how much of my energy it drains. I'm going to find you Nikki Alexander, no matter what.

Love Harry xxx

PS. Only very, very special people get kisses out of grown men in letters. Remember that. Xx


	25. Glimmer of Hope

**I'm home! And I've got a new chapter for you all :) Had a fantastic time in Vietnam and although I didn't actually get any writing done out there, I've got plenty of ideas for this fic/future ones. And thank you so, so much to Lizzi, Thyqua, Dinabar, Amy ( happy birthday to your mom! Xx), Gem S, Starr123 and Em for your reviews while I was away, thank you so much :) Thank you to everyone who reviewed digging up the cat and her perfect day too, and if you haven't read/reviewed yet, I would love your feedback :)**

**This is another Year of the Rooster chapter, but with a bit of a twist. Yep, we have a date now! And it was going to be in the 1****st**** person like all the others, but I wrote it up and it just didn't work somehow, so it had to be changed. But hopefully you'll all still like it- let me know!**

**Fxx**

**Chapter 24**

**Glimmer of Hope**

**Year of the Rooster**

**Friday 11****th**** August 2011**

**-8.56am**

_I haven't seen her before, I'm almost certain of that. She's an African woman a little younger than Lan, wide eyed and with a calm air about her, like she's seen terrible things in her lifetime but tries to not let them get to her. But the way she's looking at me now, so disbelieving and welcoming, it's hard to believe we haven't met before. _

"_Josi?" she says softly, glancing from one of the missing posters to the side of her stall to my face and back again, before pulling back the curtain at the side of her stall and gesturing for me to come inside. And so with one last look back at the corner with the cardboard boxes, at Lan's hiding place, I step through the curtain, into a different life altogether. Another step closer towards the life I was meant to have. _

"Joycelin?" Martha Manduna called softly turning away from the bustle of the market place to face the child standing in front of her, studying her face frantically, looking for any trace of her mother, something to tell her that she was right, that this was her granddaughter. The little girl before her appeared smaller than she remembered Nikki being at that age, but she couldn't be sure- it was such a long time ago that the memory was far from reliable. She looked up at Martha cautiously, a mane of chocolate brown curls blowing out behind her in the slight morning breeze, a long dark case of some kind held tightly in her left hand and the other hand shaking a little, holding back the curtain at the side of the market stall, and Martha tried to recall a 6 year old Nikki, to place her image beside the little girl standing in front of her now, to draw similarities between the two. She couldn't make a connection through their faces; this child looked too oriental, her face shape rounder, her skin more milky coffee in colour than rose petal white, the flick at the corners of her eyes too prominent. But then she saw her eyes, and suddenly, all of Martha's doubts were gone. Because the child in front of her was staring up at her with Nikki's inquisitive glint, shining through despite the fear and confusion. And it wasn't just that. Her eyes themselves were a perfect replica of someone else's she had once known a lifetime ago, someone long dead yet kept alive in this little girl. Celin Alexander. The pair of wide sapphire blue eyes staring up at Martha, searching her own for a multitude of answers, were Celin Alexander's. And that was when she knew there was no mistaking it. After almost 6 years, her granddaughter had finally found her way home.

"Joycelin? Come on, it's OK," Martha said softly in Afrikaans, holding out her hand to the child. Joycelin- no, the little girl, she wouldn't allow herself to think of her as Joycelin until she was sure- froze for a moment, her eyes flicking from Martha's face to her hand and back again a few times, before finally she held out her own hand, trembling as she placed it in Martha's. "It's OK sweetheart, it's OK. Come here," she instructed gently, grasping the child's hand and leading her over to the small wooden stool beside the counter, pressing the case out of her hand and lifting her up to sit her on the stool, wincing as she felt how light she was, trying to reassure herself that it was a long time since she had last picked up a 6 year old.

"It's alright," she said again, seeing the look of fear still present on the child's face. "You don't remember me, do you? Of course you don't, you were only a baby when they took you."

"When they took me?" The little girl asked now, speaking for the first time, using Afrikaans and a South African accent, yet her voice sounded strange, foreign, stunted and clipped in places. Vietnamese? That would make sense, Martha told herself, it would fit with what Nikki had told her, told everyone, with what they already knew. All the signs were pointing towards her being Joycelin, but still she couldn't quite allow herself to believe it. She wouldn't get her hopes up to have them crushed again, she couldn't do that to herself, to Nikki. She had to be sure.

"Yes, when they took you," Martha sighed, studying the little girl's face. "You didn't know?"

The child simply shrugged. "Sort of. I knew my mum was being held against her will, I just… no one ever told me how it came about, not that I remember." She paused for a moment, looking up at Martha with those sad blue eyes. "Does she want me back?"

The question almost snapped Martha's heart in two. She wanted to pull the child close, to tell her just how much she had been missed, that of course her mother wanted her back, that she had been a mere shadow of herself those past 3 years, the 3 years she had been forced to live without her daughter. But she couldn't. Not until she was certain. And so she settled for leaning across to close the shutters at the front of the market stall, before lifting the child back off of the stool and balancing her on her hip, carrying her out back into the market square, trying to ignore the initial flinch as she picked the little girl up, the tell-tale sign that she was afraid of her, that whatever she had been through whilst separated from her mother had left its scars. There was nothing she could do until she was positive the child was her granddaughter, however terrible that made her feel.

"Come on," she told the child gently, making her way to the taxi point. "We're going to see someone who can help us, OK? A doctor, someone who can prove who you are. And when we're certain, I'll phone your mamma, and she'll come and get you. You've just got to be brave for a little bit longer, and then everything's going to be OK."

**I've actually decided what Bai's ultimate fate's going to be now, having spent months jumping back and forth between different ideas! So now I've finally decided how this story is going to end, I'm starting to think about what I'm going to do as my next project. I'm planning to write more fics gradually working through Harry and Nikki's lives together post L in L, leading up to my new oneshot 'her perfect beginning' and beyond, lasting pretty much forever (not that I'm obsessed), but would you guys be interested in that, or are you going to be bored out of your mind with my Harry/Nikki/Josi universe by the end of this fic, and you'd prefer something completely different? Different things will probably materialize alongside anyway, but the question is, are you interested in that? I'm in the planning stages now, so if there's anything you'd particularly like to read, don't hesitate to make a request :)**

**Sorry, that was an awful lot of waffle ;) The upshot is, please drop me a review of this chappie/what you want to read next, and I'll get an update of something or other on here soon. Xx**

**Love Flossie xxx**


	26. Abandonment

**I'm sorry, it's another short one; I've been quite busy this week and have had a mild case of writers' block. I know where I want to end up in a few chapters' time, but before I can write those bits I need to get there. I think I've got it sorted now, but if there's anything you guys want included and it seems to fit in then I will do my best to include it! :)**

**Thank you once again to all the amazing people who reviewed the last chapter: gemS, Thyqua, Dinabar (good idea, didn't think of that!), Lizzi (love your future retired idea, will get working on that :) ), Amy (can't tell you that yet, sorry), and Em, you guys always cheer me up :) And I think the verdict is that I will be writing a sequel to this. I have a few ideas, but I'll start thinking it through properly once I'm almost at the end of this fic. And expect a couple of oneshots in the next week or so too :)**

**So that's what to expect in the future, but for now, hope you enjoy this one, and reviews would be much appreciated!**

**Love Flossie xxx**

**Chapter 25**

**Abandonment**

**Wednesday 12****th**** October 2011**

**-4.29pm**

Try as he might, Leo Dalton simply could not find the words to describe the way he felt as he lifted his and Janet's suitcases out of the back of the taxi, fighting to come to terms with what was going to happen next. This should be the start of the happiest few weeks of his life, he mused bitterly. He and Janet were heading home to finish their preparations, and then, in a week, they would be flying out to Vietnam to meet their son for the first time. They would sign a few papers, spend a few days exploring Saigon, and then when the adoption was finalized they would head back home and begin a new chapter of their lives, as parents, as a proper family. It was supposed to be a joyous occasion, and yet he couldn't laugh, couldn't smile, couldn't feel happy without the guilt kicking in. Not while Nikki and Joycelin were still missing.

It wasn't ideal, the situation they were in now. Leo and Janet had found themselves torn, needed on two opposite sides of the world at the same time. They needed to go to Vietnam, or else they wouldn't be able to adopt their son, their child who had spent the first 8 months of his life in an orphanage and was in desperate need of his family. But they were needed in South Africa too; they needed to hold Harry together, to help with the search for Nikki and her own baby. If they could be in two places at once, they would. But that was impossible, and so they had to choose, had to make a decision and stick with it. And so Leo and Janet were flying home that afternoon, back to London, to their old lives, before. They would go through with Jasper's adoption, but fly back to Cape Town once the adoption had been finalized, rather than going home. It was far from ideal- they both knew the best thing for Jasper would be to take him straight home and settled into some kind of routine- but neither of them could face going home when Nikki was still missing. It would be as if they were giving up on her, abandoning her, and both Leo and Janet were in agreement that they couldn't live like that, with the guilt that they hadn't been there to support Harry and the rest of Nikki's 'family'. And so it wasn't going to be perfect, not by any stretch of the imagination, but they were doing their best. They were doing their best.

Leo turned back to face Harry now, struggling to meet his eyes. In over a decade of knowing the younger pathologist, he could not recall ever seeing him look a fraction as lost as he did now. All the life seemed to be gone from his eyes, leaving just the shell behind, the shell of a person whose very soul had been shattered with grief and guilt and worry. He was rather worried about leaving him, knowing Harry and Nikki could barely function without each other they had grown so close over the years, and that Harry, separation from Nikki and fear often led to anger, and Harry and anger were not a good combination, to say the very least. There was no telling what he might do. But as much as Leo felt that leaving Harry to cope on his own was a bad, bad idea, he also knew that he had no other choice. He was going to have to trust Martha, Sara and her family to keep him under control until he and Janet could return with Jasper in tow, or until Nikki was found; whichever came first. Sadly, Leo had a feeling it was going to be the former rather than the latter.

"Phone when you get back, won't you?" Harry asked. There was an element of desperation in his voice, as if having already lost the two most important people to him, he was now afraid that everyone else around him were going to slowly disappear too.

"Of course we will," Leo assured him, trying his best to smile and not quite succeeding. "Are you going to be alright?" he asked his friend seriously, worried by the blank, numb look on Harry's face. He looked as if he had given up; yes, that was it. He looked as if he had given up hope.

"Of course I will, don't worry about me," Harry insisted, but even those words were enough to Leo's concern. Under normal circumstances, Harry would have cracked some kind of joke in response to Leo's question, but not now. Now all the humour and joy at life seemed to have been sucked out of him, leaving only the despair behind, a despair which, try as he might, Harry didn't seem to be able to hide. And that, as Leo knew only too well, was going to make him vulnerable.

"Don't give up," Leo told his friend quietly, aware that he and Janet needed to get moving if they wanted to make their flight, but wanting to offer Harry some final words of encouragement before he disappeared off to the other side of the world. "Whatever you do Harry, you mustn't give up. I wish… I wish I could tell you we'll bring them home Harry, that everything's going to be OK, but I can't promise that, I don't know for certain. But I do know that Nikki's a fighter, she's not going to give up, and if Joycelin's anything like her then she's not going to either. They're going to keep fighting all the while they've got you, Harry, OK? And that's why you can't give up on them. This isn't over yet, there's still every chance that we're going to find them alive and well. You mustn't give up," he repeated, hoping that Harry had gotten the message.

"OK." It was a shaky reply, but it was a reply all the same, an acknowledgement of his words, something which reassured Leo, just a little, made him feel ever so slightly more comfortable at the idea of leaving Harry in South Africa to cope with Nikki and Joycelin's kidnapping without him. And for the time being, that would have to do.

"I'll be back as soon as I can," Leo promised, stepping forward to embrace his friend. "And you get any news, any leads, anything at all, you phone, OK? Promise?"

"I will," Harry vowed, pulling away. "Go on, you two should get going. You don't want to miss your flight."

And so Leo and Janet picked up their suitcases, piled them onto an old, falling-apart luggage trolley and entered the airport terminal, not even daring to look back over their shoulders as they walked away, too afraid of seeing Harry breaking down behind them and finding themselves unable to leave him. It felt like a betrayal, Leo mused as he handed over his suitcase at the baggage point; it felt as if he were betraying Nikki. In trying to do the right thing by one of his children, in rescuing them and bringing them into a loving and stable family, he was abandoning another. And he wasn't sure he was going to be able to live with that.


	27. Nikki

**A nice long chapter for you all, as promised :) I thought it was time we caught up with Nikki and Josi. This one jumps ahead in time by quite a bit, so make sure you read the date! And I have another Dear Nikki chapter coming up next, because you all seemed to enjoy the last one :)**

**Big hugs to gemS, dinabar (the scar I'm afraid, not the cannibal restaurants!), Thyqya, Amy, Lizzi and Em once again for your reviews, you guys are just fantastic and I'm so lucky to have you. Is anyone else reading? Please can you drop me a quick review, just to let me know that you're enjoying it? Pretty please? Thank you :) And all my regulars, please keep giving me feedback, you know how much I love you xx And I also love the suggestion about getting Jasper and Joycelin together when they're older!**

**Love Flossie xxx**

**Chapter 26**

**Nikki**

**Wednesday 16****th**** November 2011**

**-5.11am**

As the time goes by and the weeks turn into a month, the month approaches 5 weeks, slowly but surely you begin to adapt. You've begun to reluctantly accept your situation now, accept that you're going to have to live like this as best you can for the foreseeable future, and somehow, that acceptance makes merely existing a whole lot easier. You're not fighting anymore, not in the same sense; you're not wasting valuable energy. But acceptance can't take away the pain completely, not in the slightest. It can numb it a little, make it a fraction more bearable to live with, but that's all. Nothing can ever, ever make all the bad feelings which come hand in hand with this horrible situation go away. And that scares you no end.

You've settled into something of a routine now, a day-to-day pattern which somehow manages to get you through. It goes something like this: each morning Joycelin up at 4 the first time round, in need of a feed and a change. She sleeps in a cot in the corner of the small, whitewashed room which you are rarely permitted to leave, tucked up and warm, but there's no bed for you- you know Bai only wants you to look after Joycelin, and doesn't care for your wellbeing in the slightest. And so you sleep on the hard stone floor beside your daughter's cot, close enough to be comforted by her presence, to be there immediately when she needs you. Because it's _you_ she needs, not him. It'll never be him, no matter how long he keeps you here. It will never, ever be him.

Josi will wake again at around 7 as a rule, and this time you'll get up properly, change her clothes, feed her again. She's still only able to go 2 or 3 hours without feeding, 4 at the most at night, and that scares you; you know she should be going for longer in between feeds now, and you know she should be taking more at a time than she is. You're worried her stomach isn't developing as it should be, that there's something wrong with her and she can't hold as much milk as she should be able to by now, but you know there's no point worrying- you can't get her seen by a paediatrician, and you don't remember enough about babies yourself from your days as a junior doctor to check her over thoroughly. So there's nothing you can do but look after her as best you can, and hope that somehow she's going to be OK. Even if at times that's difficult to believe.

One thing you are glad about is that you at least have a proper bathroom of sorts, albeit a tiny cupboard room at the back of your prison. Your father brings you a few bare essentials every week or so, so at least you feel clean, you feel presentable, even though there's no one to make yourself presentable to, unless you count a 3 month old baby and your kidnappers. But it makes you feel more human, it stops you from becoming a shadow, a shell, a product of the way you are now treated and the environment in which you now exist. And it's the small things like that which keep you going, no matter how desperate you feel.

The rest of your morning is as peaceful as things ever get nowadays, in general, at least. Joycelin still sleeps for most of the day, but she tends to be awake solid for a number of hours in the morning. And so you make the most of her, of having someone for company. Over the past 5 weeks or so (it's difficult to keep track of time when you're being held captive in a small, windowless room) you've discovered that there's nothing you can do with an adult that you can't do with a baby; you simply have to adapt your approach a little. You can quite easily sit and talk to Joycelin for hours, and although you know that she's far too young to understand, it's somewhat comforting to talk everything through with her. You tell her about your own mother, about South Africa and your childhood, about your life in London and the Lyell Centre. And you tell her about Harry, her father; you tell her how the last 7 years with him have been the best of your life, how you had thought that these next few years with both her and Harry were going to be even better. Until you were kidnapped, that is, until matters were taken completely out of your control. You tell her how sorry you are, that you never meant for this to happen and you'll die before you'll let her be taken away from you, let alone to carry out a suicide mission in one of the most dangerous and repressive countries in the world. There's no way you'll let it happen, at least, that's what you tell Josi. But deep down, you can't fight off the nagging feeling in the pit of your stomach that you might not have much say in the matter. Not that you're ever going to tell Joycelin that. She's too young to understand your words, yes, but she's old enough to pick up on your fear, your worry, and you can't do that to her. You have to remain positive, for the both of you.

And so consequently, your daughter probably knows your life inside and out by now, or at least, she would do if she was old enough to understand, to remember. In a way, you suppose that your pouring out your heart to Josi is your way of not giving up hope, of preparing her for coming home when she'll inevitably have to be a part of everything you've been telling her about, whether she likes it or not. Provided that you keep talking to her, that however old she gets you keep describing to her the life she was supposed to have, perhaps you can install in her some hope, some faith that one day you'll escape, you'll be rescued, to keep you going when your own fails miserably. And if, god forbid, it's years from now until you finally get out of here, away from the hell hole your life has become and back to normality, at least Joycelin will be a little prepared for the real world, the freedom which lies behind the thick, iron barrier at one end of the room. You worry about that all the time: you worry that your daughter's development- physical, social, mental, the list is endless- will be delayed because she's missing out on so many things that other people take for granted, don't even think about. But there's nothing you can do about it, not while you're locked away, being held captive. All you can do is keep talking to her, keep holding on, and hope and pray she's going to turn out OK.

But it's one thing to have your child disadvantaged because of circumstances out of your control; it's another thing to put them at a significant disadvantage yourself. And that's what it is, what you're doing; there's no other way of putting it. On top of everything else your daughter is going to have to deal with, you're handicapping her in a sense, you're making her life if and when you finally get out of here, get back to England. Because you won't speak to her in English, you can't make yourself. You won't speak to her in the only official language of the country you're going to raise her in, all because you're being stupidly weak and vulnerable.

It wasn't a conscious decision, for English not to be your baby's first language. Before all this, before you were kidnapped, you don't remember there ever being a question of how you would speak to Joycelin. If you were constantly speaking to her in Afrikaans then you'd end up alienating Harry and Leo, she wouldn't understand what was going on around her in England… it just wouldn't work. You had planned to speak to her in Afrikaans a little when you were alone with her, as your own mother had done with you, but that was as far as it went. You hadn't planned to get stuck in a rut, scared to speak a word of English to her. But somehow you did. And as each day passes, it becomes harder and harder to even contemplate digging yourself out.

It didn't happen overnight; it was a gradual process spanning over roughly the first week you spent held captive. Whenever you spoke as much as a word of English to your daughter, in private, just the two of you, suddenly the door would open and Bai would be there behind you, trying to butt in on _your_ time with _your_ baby. Sometimes he would simply be adding to whatever you were saying, and even that would unsettle you, but on other occasions he would start downgrading you, telling Joycelin he loved her more than you ever could, that you weren't fit to look after her and he was going to take her away from you as soon as he could, that you were disgusting, dirty, used… his list of adjectives with the power to take you back to that horrible night in January were endless. And you couldn't handle it. Even when Bai was being relatively pleasant, seemingly just trying to join in with the two of you, you couldn't handle his presence, his invasion on those precious moments with your daughter that keep you going through all the bad things. Then you realized that Bai can't understand a word of Afrikaans. And so now you speak to Joycelin solely in Afrikaans, because it's safe, because it's the only way of guaranteeing that you won't be interrupted by the man you're most terrified of. It's not ideal, but what else can you do? You're not strong enough to battle on through, and if that makes you a bad mother, then so be it. You can't cope with this by yourself, and so you're just going to have to adapt, to survive as best you can. But you don't know if you can carry on like this much longer.

Josi is taken away from you by _him_ at around noon each day; something which you have come to dread right from the bottom of your heart. Each time he comes for her you find yourself in a dilemma, longing to scream and shout and fight and hold onto her tightly, never letting go, but you know that you can't. It's not fair on Joycelin for you to make a huge fuss, not when you know she's going to be brought back to you in a couple of hours, unharmed. But you hate having her taken away from you, not knowing what's happening to her, whether she's being looked after properly, whether she's happy or sad. You don't know which you'd prefer. You don't want her to be upset, of course you don't, but at the same time, you don't want Joycelin to be happy when she's with Bai, as cruel and horrible as it sounds. You don't want her to think of the man who put you through so much agony and emotional pain as her father; you know that in contrast to the way he behaves towards you, Bai Lưu seems to display rather a lot of love and affection towards your daughter. At times, you wonder if the whole anti-communist thing was just a cover story, and in fact he just wants a child of his own. But you don't allow yourself to think about that too often, because when you do, you start to worry that one of these days Bai is going to come for your daughter and never bring her back to you again, and that possibility scares you so much that you can't bear to think about it, even for a second. It's hard enough to function without Harry, but it's Josi who keeps you going, and you don't see how you'd find the strength to carry on without her.

You tend to be left some food around the time that Bai takes Joycelin from you; nothing much, but it's the only thing close to a meal you get nowadays and to an extent you're grateful. Occasionally, when it's your father who brings you food, he'll try and sneak something extra in for you, but he'll do so without meeting your eyes, as if ashamed of what he's putting you through. You hope he is. You hope he remains ashamed for the rest of his life.

Bai will bring Joycelin back to you a couple of hours later, and the feeling of overwhelming relief you experience each time he places her back into your arms is simply indescribable. You've fallen into the habit of checking her over each time you get her back, partly as a way to pass the time and partly to make sure he hasn't hurt her, hasn't inked one of those horrible phoenix tattoos onto her skin, tying her forever to his stupid underground movement. But thankfully, so far each time Bai has brought Joycelin back to you she has been completely unharmed. And that's one thing that you're always incredibly grateful for.

Joycelin will sleep for a while after that, then when she wakes you'll root through the box of your old baby things your father brought down for you, find something to read to her, for her to play with. Most of it is for babies much older than 3 ½ months, but you improvise a little, and she always seems to you to be perfectly happy, perfectly stimulated. Maybe you haven't completely failed her after all.

In those moments with your daughter, teaching her, playing with her, watching as day by day she reaches each new milestone, sometimes you manage to forget the hell your life becomes by night, just for a moment. But the minute you lay your daughter down to sleep, the minute her breathing levels out and it's obvious that she's going to be asleep for the next few hours, minimum, it's your turn to be taken from the room by Bai Lưu. And so each night of your imprisonment in his basement room, Bai takes it upon himself to remind you of that traumatic night back in January, to repeat the whole torturous process over and over again. You had thought at first that you'd get used to it, that after a while it wouldn't seem quite so degrading and emotionally unbearable, but now, 5 weeks on, you guess there are some things which you simply cannot get used to, no matter how hard you will yourself to. Each time you hurt so badly afterwards that for a while you just want to give up and die, but then you're taken back to your room and you glance at the sleeping body of your daughter, and you realize that however much pain you're in, Joycelin's going to be in a whole lot more without her mother. You can't leave her, you just can't. And that's what makes you battle on, day after day. That, and the fact that at least he always uses a condom, at least you're not going to end up with some kind of foul disease. It could be a whole lot worse, that's what you tell yourself. But it's soul destroying, having to go through this every night when you still haven't slept with Harry. He still wanted to be with you after the initial rape, but that was one night, one incident, not 5 weeks' worth of them. How will he feel about you now? You don't know. You don't even want to think about it.

It's your birthday today. You wonder if he's thinking about you, Harry. You wonder if any of them are, if they believe you're still alive, or whether they've looked at the patterns of the fates of Bai Lưu's previous victims and long-since given you up for dead. They'll be looking for a body by now, you're sure of it, maybe even two, thinking he's murdered Josi as well. But he hasn't, not physically at least. The two of you are still hanging on, struggling through each day one day at a time, trying to remain positive whilst all the hope you have within you fades slowly away.

Your father has forgotten your birthday, you know that for certain. Not just because he didn't say anything when he brought you something by the way of breakfast lunch and dinner in the form of a small bowl of rice earlier, shortly after Bai had dropped by to take your daughter from you; he doesn't really talk to you anymore, won't even look you in the eyes unless he's forced to. You know because there wasn't even a hint of recognition that today should be important to the two of you in his face, no acknowledgement that today was any different to any other. And so here you are, 34 years old, kidnapped, abandoned, alone, and trying to work out exactly where those 34 years have gone. How did you get so old? You don't know; the only things you have to show for your life so far, Harry and Joycelin, have all happened in the past few years. And now you have a family at last, there's so much you want to experience with them, so much you might never have the chance to. You don't want your life to be thrown away, to be wasted. But now, after everything that's happened, you're beginning to think that you may not have an awful lot of say in the matter. Maybe, just maybe, this forgotten birthday is going to be your last.


	28. Dear Nikki II

**This one's for Em, Amy, Lizzi, Thyqua, Dinabar and GemS for all your lovely reviews- hopefully this one will be slightly happier in parts! I don't want to depress you all but at the same time, the subject matter at the moment is rather grim and so the tone of these chapters needs to reflect that on the whole. I hope you're not all too depressed!**

**I'm not too many chapters ahead at the moment, so now is the time for you guys to tell me how you want me to write the next bit. I think you've all gathered that Nikki is going to be rescued: do you want me to A) keep going at this pace through the next few years, which could get rather depressing I think! B) do a '3 years later' sort of thing, or C) something in the middle? It's up to you, let me know, and the sooner you do the sooner I can get working on it! So please review, especially if you haven't done so for a while :) You get a mention next chapter, a virtual hug and your opinion taken into consideration :)**

**Love Flossie xxx**

**Chapter 27**

**Dear Nikki II**

**Wednesday 16****th**** November 2011**

**-7.12pm**

**Location: Kensington, London, UK**

**Days since disappearance: 37**

**Safari count: 1 elephant (I'll explain later)**

Dear Nikki,

I'm writing this from your flat. I know, I know, you told me that the spare key you gave me was only to be used in emergencies. But that was a long time ago, before we were officially together, and so I figured you wouldn't mind now I'm your boyfriend. And besides, it _was_ an emergency, Niks. Somebody needed to clear out the well-past-its-best salad dressing from your fridge before the neighbours began to complain about the smell.

I'm sorry. I was planning on writing to these for you more often, but as you can tell by the date, that didn't happen. I'm so sorry, Nikki, I really am. I haven't forgotten about you; it would be impossible to do that, even for a moment. But it's all just been too raw for the past 5 weeks or so, too raw and painful for me to even know where to begin in telling you what's been going on back here. So I'm going to start now. I'm sitting down at the table in your dining area, and I'm not moving until I've told you everything that's been happening. And that's a promise.

But before I start, it's your birthday today, so I need to wish you a very happy birthday. It'll be late by the time you read this, but that's OK, you know I'm thinking of you, don't you? I would make some joke about how you're getting old, but when we get you back and I let you read this you'll remind me that I am in fact older than you, so perhaps I'd better not. Your present is on your bedside table, and beautifully wrapped, I have to say, so you have that to look forward to when you come home. Don't ask how long it took me to get it perfect though, or how much wrapping paper I wasted. You really, really don't want to know.

So I suppose I'd better start from the beginning, and tell you what's been going on since my last letter. Well, the next few days were spent doing several more of the dreaded TV appeals, and according to Pieter, the number of people who phoned in with 'leads' was just phenomenal. Trouble was, a lot of them turned out to be nothing to do with you at all, and a whole lot of police time and effort was wasted trying to pick out the relevant and useful from the downright useless. We did get one useful lead though, after a few days. It was a little old lady who lives across the road from Martha, and she phoned in to report seeing a large black jeep lurking outside her house at about 3 in the morning the night you were taken. She remembers it because she thought there was something suspicious about it and wrote down the number plate just in case, but when she hadn't been burgled or anything like that the next morning she didn't see the point in reporting it. Inevitably she feels bad about it now, but it's too late to change that. All we can do is make the best of the information she gave us and be thankful that she came forward eventually.

So the police looked up the car, and found it to be registered to someone in Johannesburg, who had reported it stolen a few months previously. They announced their interest in it on the national news, saying that the owner of it may have some crucial information which could help us find you, hoping someone would come forward. Well, nobody did, but the car was found burnt out on Dolphin Beach a few days later. Sara did some fancy forensic swabbing on the seats, and god only knows how she did it, but she managed to obtain some blood traces from the back seat fabric. You were right, Niks, she's brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. She ran the samples, and none of it was yours or Josi's, thank god, but we did manage to match one sample to another of Bai Lưu's victims; do you remember the little girl we found on the beach a couple of days before you fell down that rock face and I found out about Josi, the one with 'failure' stamped across her forehead? It was her blood. We can't prove it was Bai who killed her, but it's enough for the police, and they're assuming so until proven otherwise. They thought that he might be holding you and Josi in the same place he held the little girl and the two oriental men from the Phoenix Movement found dead before her, so they refocused that investigation, trying to trace Bai's movements at around that time. But they found nothing, Nikki. A month later they had still found nothing, at which point Pieter called me over to a quiet corner of the police station and told me that as hard as it was, I had to start thinking about going home. They were doing all they could, he said, but the reality of the situation now was that they had run out of leads for the time being, and there was nothing more I could do for them. I needed to get home and try to settle back into some kind of routine, he said, for you, so you wouldn't be coming home to chaos in and when we find you, if nothing else. And so, after much screaming and shouting which I'm most certainly not proud of, yesterday morning I packed our bags and flew back home to London. But I'm not giving up on you Nikki, I swear. I'll never, ever give up on you, not until we find you.

It was strange, coming back to my apartment. It doesn't feel like home anymore, probably because I've been away from it for so long. We never did discuss moving in together, did we? I kept meaning to bring it up, but something kept holding me back; fear of rejection and forcing you to move too fast, I guess. But I want to move in together Nikki, I really do. We'll do that the moment I get you home of that's what you want too, I promise. Though I think it would be better if I moved in with you, if that's OK. Yours is bigger, less bachelor-pad-ish, closer to work, and it has a park over the road. Perfect.

So I went round to yours today, not to move in (I wouldn't do that until I knew that was what you wanted, too), but to give the place a tidy up, sort out the fridge situation, collect your post, sort out your bills, etc etc. That, and to avoid Leo and Janet, I'm sorry to say. They invited me round, but I said I was busy, that I'd try and pop in tomorrow. But I could have sorted out your flat tomorrow, we both know that. The real reason I'm avoiding going round there is because they're home with Jasper now, and they're a proper family. They're what we were, before you and Josi were taken. And it hurt enough when I saw the pictures of him Nikki, when I saw how cute he was and yet all I could see in my mind was Joycelin, when I saw Janet as a mother and realized that was you, just 5 weeks ago. And so I'm avoiding them, because I'm not sure I'm ready to face seeing them with everything I had and lost just yet. I'm not sure I ever will.

Anyway, so I tidied up your flat for you. You had a huge mountain of post, which I've gone through, chucked out the junk mail, taken care of the bills. And all I can say, Nikki, is thank you, thank you, thank you, for being wonderfully organised, for owning your own flat and not even having a mortgage (that I can find evidence of, anyway). I'm not sure I could have afforded two lots of rent. No, I'm joking, don't worry about the bills, honestly. You can make it up to me by allowing me to move in with you when we get you home.

I've had a general tidy-up too; your flat was the messiest I've ever seen it when I stepped through that door, let me tell you. But then I know you were in a right state when you left for South Africa back in June, and I suppose cleaning was the last thing on your mind. So I've sorted it out for you. I've emptied the fridge, reorganised the kitchen cupboards, cleaned the bathrooms, hovered the carpets, thrown out the water-deprived flowers (I'll buy you some more when you come home, promise), picked up various items of clothing left strewn across the bedroom floor and washed them, done the ironing, put everything away as best I could without understanding where everything's supposed to go, changed the bedding… you name it, I've done it. My mother didn't believe me when I told her. I knew I should have taken 'before' and 'after' photos. But don't thank me, Nikki, seriously. I just want you to come home to a tidy house. A relatively tidy one, at least.

So it's all back to the way it used to be in your flat; I've left everything exactly as it has been on all the previous occasions I've visited. Except for one of your spare bedrooms, I've started clearing that out. You're going to need somewhere to put Josi when we get the two of you home. I haven't done anything drastic yet, I've just cleared everything out, but I might go furniture shopping with Mum tomorrow. Once I've been to see Leo, Janet and Jasper. I won't put it off anymore Nikki, I promise. For you. I'm not going to let this beat me, I'm not going to let myself become dysfunctional and antisocial just because I can't bear to see someone else's happy family. Leo and Janet deserve to be parents at last, I know they do. It just that knowing so doesn't make things any easier.

I think that's all from me for now. No… wait, it's not. Scrap that, I haven't told you about the safari count at the beginning of this letter yet, have I? It was mine and Martha's idea; it sort of came about by accident, but then it stuck. Basically, it all started when Martha was fired from her job. I know, I know, it sounds bad, but let me finish. Let's just say the family she was working for up until a couple of weeks ago weren't particularly understanding about the emotionally complex and distressing situation we're all in at the moment. So they sacked her. And she's decided that she's not going to look after other people's children anymore; she says they've all been spoiled, inconsiderate brats ever since she started out, apart from you, of course. It's time for a change, apparently. So from now on, she's going to have her own market stall at Cape Town market, selling small wooden animals which she's carved herself. They're pretty good, I'll give her that. We have her first work of art, the original, or rather, Josi has. I tried to buy it off her, but she refused to accept anything. I know, I should have tried harder. But the upshot is, Joycelin is now the owner of Martha's first wooden animal: a small African elephant, now standing on the window sill in the cleared-out spare room. It's going to become a sort of way of passing the time; Martha's going to make a new one to add to the collection for each visit I make to Cape Town to look for the two of you, each time I return alone. So that's what the safari count is. I know you're laughing. Don't laugh. I mean it.

I think that's it for now. So until next time, I love you, and keep fighting, won't you? It's all going to be OK Nikki, I promise, but you've got to hold on for a little longer, until I can find you, both of you. It's all going to be OK.

Love Harry xxx


	29. Carrying On

**Only 3 more days until I am finally 16, yayyyy! :) Right, chapter 28. Thank you so much to gemS, Em, Lizzi, Starr123, Dinabar and Amy for your reviews and feedback as to how this story should continue- I've decided to publish the rest of what I've already written, then do a few Dear Nikki letters moving quickly on until something else big happens… and I think you might know what that is :) So thanks everyone for your reviews, and please keep them coming, you know I love you telling me what you think! Xx**

**Love Flossie xxx**

**Chapter 28**

**Carrying On**

**Monday 21****st**** November 2011**

**-6.15am**

Harry Cunningham groaned and kicked back the duvet as the alarm clock began to blare loudly, reaching out with his left hand to slam down the sleep button on the top and frowning as his hand made contact with thin air. Sighing, he sat up and opened his eyes, frowning for a moment as he took in the unfamiliar surroundings, before taking in the faint smell of wild roses which was so distinctly Nikki surrounding him and realizing that he was in her bed. Yes, he remembered now.

Harry had spent the weekend at Nikki's, transforming the spare bedroom into a room for Joycelin, for when he finally got his family back. His mother had sighed when he had proposed the idea, telling him gently not to get his hopes up, that there was a fine line between not giving up hope and being overly positive to the extent that his heart could easily be torn apart, and maybe he was crossing it. But Harry had refused to listen. Maybe he was being overly optimistic, maybe he was never going to see Nikki and Joycelin again, alive at least. But… he couldn't help but feel that he would sense it somehow if they were gone; the connection he had felt for so long with Nikki, even before the two of them were properly together, would fade into nothing, leaving him feeling empty and alone, as if a part of him had died along with her. And Josi… she might not be his own flesh and blood, but she was a part of Nikki, so surely he would know somehow, as a father, as the lover and best friend of her mother? But Harry didn't feel like that, not in the slightest. He had read about missing people before, articles written by their families; he remembered watching a documentary about Milly Dowler's disappearance and hearing her sister say that she had known from the moment her family realized Milly was missing that she would never see her again; she had just felt it. But Harry hadn't ever felt like that, throughout the past 37 days of Nikki and Joycelin's disappearance. He had never felt any sense of despair other than that at all the pain and torment they must be going through, fear that Nikki was beginning to give up, that Joycelin was far too young to truly understand what was happening and why her mother was being put through so much pain. And that was why Harry refused to give up hope, to remain within the thin boundaries which his mother had set for him. They were still alive, he knew it. His family were still alive, which meant that he couldn't give up on them, no matter what anyone else said. He was going to find them and bring them home, he had to. He had to.

And so the weekend had been spent trawling around ikea and flicking through various home furniture catalogues courtesy of his mother, Leo and Janet, visiting the local Homebase and stocking up on paints, and crouched on the floor with a box of screwdrivers and an instruction manual trying and failing to work out the difference between part 1AX and part 3DR. It was clear to Harry that it was a good job he had headed to medical school, he would have never made a builder. It had taken him the whole weekend, but he had finished eventually, managing to make minimal mess along the way. He was going to have to describe the finished product to Nikki later through one of his letters, he mused, so she could look back and laugh at his um-ing and ah-ing over different shades of pink paint.

But anyway, that wasn't the point. The point was that after finally finishing hanging up the curtains at getting on for midnight, having been completely unaware of the time, Harry had made the decision to stay over at Nikki's rather than packing up and heading home. He had known that he needed to be at work early the following morning, his first morning back since South Africa, and he wouldn't be home and in his own bed for at least another hour if he chose to leave now. And so Harry had decided that Nikki surely wouldn't mind if he stayed over at hers, just this once; it wasn't like she hadn't let him do so before, if one of their Friday film nights carried on into the early hours of the morning. He had promised in his 'letter' that he wouldn't move himself in until he had checked with her, but spending one night at her flat couldn't be counted as moving in? Of course it couldn't, Harry had decided. And so he had tidied up the remaining mess in the nursery he had spent the weekend creating, then proceeded to the remaining spare room, intending on sleeping there.

But sleep just hadn't come. Maybe it was because before the abduction, before his perfect little family had been torn apart, Harry had imagined that the next time he stayed over at Nikki's it would be with her, cuddled up together in her bed, safe in the knowledge that she felt loved and protected, that he would be there to calm her down if she had a nightmare, to stay up with her and support her through the night feeding and kiss her good morning when the sun began to seep through the curtains. And yet although Harry was there in her apartment, he couldn't do any of those things, because she wasn't there with him. And she might never be again.

He had tried to get to sleep for a while in Nikki's spare room, but it just wasn't working; every time Harry closed his eyes all he could see was Nikki and Joycelin lying across the cutting room slabs, cold, lifeless, tortured… he couldn't cope with it. Then he had remembered that sleeping had been somewhat easier back at Martha's house in South Africa, when the bedding had still smelled of Nikki, when he could feel slightly closer to her and comforted by her scent, just for a while. So he had moved into Nikki's bedroom, curling up under her duvet and stretching himself out across the bed. It didn't smell of her in the same way as the bedding in South Africa had, not after he had washed the sheets, but he searched her newly-organised dressing table and sprayed a little of her perfume over the sheets, and that had comforted him a little, enough to get some uninterrupted sleep, at least. And so that was how Harry had come to be here, half-awake, disorientated and alone in the bed of the most important person in the whole world to him, aware that he really needed to get up sometime soon but somehow unable to drag himself away from her smell, from the comforting reminder of Nikki that was her apartment. But he knew he had to. He couldn't afford to be late on his first day back, not when he knew that Leo would almost certainly be arriving at the Lyell Centre dead on time, despite most likely having been up all night with a now 9 month old baby Jasper, confused and scared and only just beginning to settle into life with his new family. How was it that Leo always managed to remain so calm, controlled and organised, no matter what was thrown at him?

Sighing, Harry threw back the duvet and heaved himself out of bed, straightening out the bedclothes (remembering just how house proud Nikki could be) before opening the curtains, pulling his clothes on quickly and heading out of the door. There was no point sticking around for breakfast; his clear out of Nikki's kitchen last week had ensured that there was nothing in the way of bread or milk left, only tins which could last a little longer before they began to go off. And so with one last look down the hall, one last look at the photo of him, Nikki and Leo in Zambia just after their elephant encounter, what seemed like a lifetime ago, Harry pulled the door to and turned the key reluctantly in the lock. It was certainly going to be a long day.

"Morning!" Leo Dalton called out cheerily to his colleague as he saw him enter into the Lyell Centre. "Welcome back!" On the surface he seemed to be blissfully happy, and suddenly Harry's blood began to boil. He understood that this was a happy period of Leo's life, having finally become a father once again, but how could be so cheerful towards him after everything Harry had lost, after he himself had lost his 'granddaughter' and the woman he considered a daughter of his own, possibly forever. But then he stopped and studied his friend's face more closely, now seeing the hurt and worry in his eyes beneath the joy and realizing that Nikki and Joycelin could never be far from his thoughts. He hadn't forgotten, not really. How could he?

"Thanks, Leo," Harry replied simply, whilst simultaneously fighting to keep the tremor out of his voice. Coming back to the Lyell Centre after all this time, to the place where he and Nikki usually saw so much of each other, was making it all seem real now, taunting him, and reminding him that life was going to have to continue without her and Josi from now on. He couldn't imagine the Lyell Centre without Nikki; it was as if she had become a part of it over the years, a defining feature, a necessity. The more he thought about it, the more he realized that returning to 'normal' life after everything that had happened was going to be a thousand times more difficult than he had anticipated.

"How's Jasper?" Harry asked Leo, brightening just a little but feeling a new pang of hurt at the same time as he saw his friend's face light up. Keeping to the promise he had made to Nikki in his 'letter', Harry had somehow managed to pluck up the courage to visit Leo, Janet and Jasper towards the end of the previous week. He had been worried about seeing Leo and Janet's new addition, worried that apart from anything else, his shared heritage with Josi (half, at least) would cause them to look strikingly similar, for he himself to be reminded whenever he looked at Jasper of his own child, of the pain of losing her. But he had been pleasantly surprised; in fact, seeing little Jasper Dalton had simply emphasised to Harry just how much Joycelin looked like Nikki, rather than her biological father. There were similarities, yes, but that was all they were: mild similarities. Jasper's eyes had the same flick at their edges, but much more pronounced, his eyes themselves narrower and a deep shade of brown, not wide and sapphire blue as Joycelin's were. Jasper's skin had been close in complexion to his 'cousin's', his nose a similar shape, but his hair was black and straight where Josi's was chocolate brown and curly. It was possible to tell that the two babies shared a common heritage, but only if you looked closely, if you knew the history. And it was upon realizing this that Harry had started to think that maybe, just maybe, it wasn't going to be as difficult to maintain a relationship with Leo, Janet and Jasper as he had previously thought. But that realization did nothing to combat the extreme sense of jealousy which Harry experienced when he saw Leo and Janet doing the simple things which had to be done with a young child: feeding him, changing him, cuddling him, playing with him… the list of things which stirred up the jealousy was endless. Jasper was 9 months old, almost 7 months older than Joycelin had been when Harry had last seen her, but in some ways that was worse; it made him think of all the things he might miss out on with his own daughter, all the ways in which she might grow up without him, or even, in the worst case scenario, might never grow up at all. And so, although Harry would of course never admit it to Leo, seeing him as a father was a painful experience, to say the least.

"He's fantastic," Leo replied, the same sad smile appearing on his face, Harry picking up on it straight away this time. "He's still a bit cautious around Janet and me, but he's starting to relax a bit more now."

"That's good," Harry said, faking a smile, realizing that although it was him who had brought up the subject, he needed to get off the topic area ASAP if he was going to be able to hold himself together. "That's great. Listen, Leo…" he cut off, having great difficulty in asking the question which had been plaguing him all morning, leaving him terrified in anticipation of the answer.

"What's… what's going to happen about… about Nikki's job? I mean, I know we can't just put everything on hold until… until we find her… or… anyway, what's…?"

"Harry, it's all sorted, don't worry," Leo insisted gently, steering him into the office area of the lab. "No, I agree, we can't just put everything on hold, but we can't just give her job to someone else, can we? I don't think Nikki would ever forgive us if we did. No, don't worry, I've had an idea. You remember Charlie, don't you?"

"Of course I do," Harry told him, confused. Charlie had been their mortuary technicians at the Lyell Centre the previous year. "What about her?"

"I had a call from her a couple of weeks ago, just after Janet and I got back from Vietnam," Leo explained. "She's decided that she wants to be a forensic pathologist."

"Has she?" Harry asked, surprised. "Well, that's great!"

"She hasn't got a medical degree yet though, but we've come up with a plan," Leo continued. "She's going to complete a degree course part-time, and work here with us simultaneously, so she can qualify as a pathologist at the same time as becoming a doctor. If we take Charlie on as a trainee then we'll technically have 3 members of staff, but she won't be taking Nikki's position. It's going to mean that it'll take her the full amount of time to complete her medical degree and we won't be able to qualify her as a pathologist until the end of her course, and so that way, we'll have a good 6 years until she leaves us, and we'll have to think again about Nikki's position... I know Harry, I know it's not the nicest thing to have to think about," Leo sighed, seeing the expression on his friend's face. "But that's a good 6 years off yet; we don't have to think about now."

"Leo, I…"Harry stopped, lost for words. "You're brilliant, you know that?"

"I'm not sure I'd go that far," Leo laughed. "Now come on, you do need to actually do some work today, you know."

Those words comforted Harry, somehow. Perhaps it was because Leo had used that same phrase 100 times before, back when Nikki was still with them, before Bai had hurt her to the point that she hadn't quite been herself ever since. It took back to that time, made him feel safe, slightly comforted, and as close to normal as he was ever going to be able to feel without his family. And for now, he reasoned, that was going to have to do.


	30. Dear Nikki III

**OK, last chapter before the pace picks up a bit :) Thank you so much to GemS, Dinabar, Amy, Lizzi, Thyqua and Em, you guys are amazing! Thanks to GemS and Dinabar for the happy birthdays too but a few days early- not actually 16 until Sunday! Same day as Emilia Fox according to Wikipedia, which is quite cool :) I'm having a BBQ/party for friends & family at home on Sunday so I should be able to update at some point during the day/evening, though I'm afraid I am going away again in a couple of weeks, so I'll start stockpiling chapters for you again :) Anyway, I think that's all for now, so enjoy this one, please drop me a review, and the next chapters will get moving a bit faster, promise! **

**Love Flossie xxx**

**Chapter 29**

**Dear Nikki III**

**Saturday 26****th**** November 2011**

**-5.34pm**

**Location: Kensington, London, UK**

**Days since disappearance: 47**

**Safari Count: 1 elephant**

Dear Nikki,

47 days today. It feels like a lifetime since I last saw you, but I can still see you and Josi perfectly clearly in my mind. I just want you back Nikki, that's all I want. I'd give anything in the world to have the two of you back.

Less than a month until Christmas now; Joycelin's first Christmas. I just hope to god she gets to spend it at home, with us, or alternatively in South Africa with the two of us, Martha and Sara's family- I don't mind which. I just want to have you both back, to know that you're safe, that you're OK. I don't know if I can take any more of this not knowing, worrying constantly that _he's _hurting you, or that he's… no, that doesn't even bear thinking about. Because I worry about you Nikki, I always have, even before all this happened. And when I get you back, I'm never, ever letting you out of my sight again.

I'm sorry, this letter is actually shaping up to be rather depressing, isn't it? That wasn't part of the plan, honestly. I'm still trying to stay positive about all this, to convince myself that you're coming back to me any day now, but with each day that passes with no new leads, no hints as to where _he_ might be holding you, nothing, it becomes harder and harder to hold myself together. Sorry. I'm not doing much to try and lift the mood of this, am I? Maybe I should change the subject.

I've finished Joycelin's nursery now, did I tell you that? That should be a slightly more cheerful topic. I'm afraid I've painted over your nice lilac walls, but I have done so beautifully, if I do say so myself. I tried lots of different colours, but I went with 'fairy dust' in the end (that's what the DIY shop called it, anyway); it's a sort of pale-but-not-too-pale-and-garish-pink, and it does go with the lilac in all the other rooms in your flat. See? Who said men weren't good at picking colour schemes?

Right, furniture next. I've gone for white; I thought that was fairly safe. And you may laugh at the size of the wardrobe I've bought for such a small baby, but I took one look in your room at the ridiculous amount of clothes that you own and decided it would save having to buy her a bigger one when she's 5. I'm not going to try and fight with fate. And I found a shelf with a sort of butterfly pattern across the back where you attach it to the wall, so that's now the designated safari count shelf. And it's nowhere near as long as the window sill is, so we're going to have to find you before it gets too crowded. It was bad enough trying to maintain my masculinity going shopping for butterflies and girly stuff the first time round; I'm not going to do it all over again if we run out of room.

I went back to work this week, to the Lyell Centre. I don't think I'd really accepted it before, that life was going to have to carry on without you, but going back there and not having to kick you off my desk every other minute, not having someone to laugh at my jokes, to go out for lunch with for a break in the middle of a particularly difficult case, somehow that really hit home that everything's got to continue as normal, even though you aren't here. But you haven't been replaced, don't worry, Leo and I would never, ever do that to you. No, Leo has come up with an ingenious plan, so that he can hold onto your job for you without leaving the Lyell Centre understaffed. You remember Charlie don't you, from last year? Well, she's decided she wants to be a forensic pathologist, so Leo's going to take her on here part time while she completes her medical degree. Which means that no one's replacing you, that we've got another few years before we have to start employing temps. So don't worry, OK? Everything's going to be exactly as you left it when we get you home, I promise.

I punched Bob Mumford yesterday. I know, I know, I shouldn't rise to these things. But he… he asked me whether I'd considered the possibility that for one reason or another, you wanted to get away from everything and everyone, that you'd faked your own kidnapping in order to slip away. Horrible, horrible, nauseatingly repulsive man. How could he even suggest that, when he didn't even know you? How could he even entertain the idea that you aren't the victim here? I couldn't stand hearing him say those things about you, I just couldn't stand it… and so I punched him. I'm not proud. But I don't think he'll be so careless with his words again, so I guess maybe something good did come of it. I'm not sure Leo sees it that way, but never mind, too late now. At least Mumford finally got what he deserves for being a nosy, stuck-up, self-centred prick. You can thank me later. But don't tell Leo I said that, will you?

Speaking of Leo, I did go and see him, Janet and Jasper in the end, just as I promised. And I can officially report back that although Jasper isn't as cute and beautiful as Joycelin (but we're her parents, so that's a given), he does come close. It was horribly painful though, seeing them as such a perfect happy family. They were so welcoming, so kind, as they always are, but still it all just reminded me of what I've lost, what I might never get to have again with you and Josi. And that wasn't Leo and Janet's fault, I know that. It's not their fault that all this happened, that the two of you got taken away from me, and I certainly wouldn't want to deny them their happiness, just because I can't have mine. They asked me to be godfather yesterday. They're not asking anyone to be godmother; that's your position, when you come home, if you want it. That's how I know that Leo and Janet aren't giving up on you either, that they still believe you're going to come home one day. I still believe that too Niks, you know I do, but sometimes it can be so hard to stay positive when I still don't know what's happening to you, whether you've been hurt, if you're even still alive, and that's where it helps to have people like Leo and Janet to keep me going even when things get impossibly tough. That way between us, we'll never give up hope, Nikki. Never.

I'm going back out to South Africa next year- Thursday 5th January, to be exact. You're really racking through my holiday allowance, you know. I'm just going for 5 days, to get a face-to-face update on the police investigation, to help with public appeals, etc, but it's something. I don't know how much I'm going to be able to do in terms of helping the police, but at least I'll feel like I'm getting involved, that I'm going _something_, anything, to find you. It's funny; I didn't realize before now just how much time the two of us used to spend together, even before we finally plucked up the courage to start a relationship. Only now, when I'm struggling to find something to do with myself, a way to pass the time, amI starting to see that you've been a fundamental part of my life for years, I just never realized it. That's why I need you back Nikki, sooner rather than later. I don't think I can struggle on without you for much longer, I really don't.

Until next time,

Love Harry xxx

PS. Remember what I said about the kisses. If nothing else, remember that. Xx


	31. Dear Nikki IV

**I thought I'd give you two chapters today, as it's Emilia Fox's birthday, Joycelin's birthday (even though she's fictional) and also my birthday :) So happy birthday Emilia (though I doubt she's reading this)! And thank you to Amy, Thyqua and Ann1119 for your happy birthdays, and special thank you to EmmaJ1996 for the fic dedication :) If you haven't read it yet, go check it out. It's awesome.**

**Thank you too to Amy, Em and Lizzi for your reviews of the last chapter- not so many that time though :( So please, if you haven't reviewed before/for a while/subscribed but not reviewed yet, can I have a couple of lines to tell me you're still reading/what you're thinking? I am giving you two chapters at once :) And it is my birthday :)**

**More coming soon,**

**Love Flossie xxx**

**Chapter 30**

**Dear Nikki IV**

**Tuesday 14****th**** February 2012**

**7.38pm**

**Location: Leo and Janet's house, London, UK**

**Days since disappearance: 127**

**Safari Count: 1 elephant, 1 giraffe**

Dear Nikki,

It's been a while, I know. And I'm sorry darling, I'm so sorry, you must think I've forgotten about you. But I haven't Nikki, I swear, not once. Quite the opposite, in fact. I wasn't going to tell you this but you'll find out eventually anyway- Leo or Janet or someone else is bound to tell you when we rescue you- I had a bit of a breakdown shortly after the last letter I wrote you, just before Christmas. But don't feel guilty Nikki, please, it's not your fault. None of this is your fault, and I need you to remember that. No one is ever, ever going to blame you for this, I promise.

I suppose I'd better tell you the whole story now, hadn't I? It's honestly not as bad as it sounds. I don't think I was ever OK after you went missing, but until the beginning of December I was managing to hold myself together somehow. But then I just fell apart, very much in the same way that you did back in April last year, after that horrible case with the murdered 8 year old girl. And it took me a while to dig myself back out of the pit of despair.

It was all an accident really, just a little mistake which ended up having pretty drastic consequences. I know Leo still blames himself, but it wasn't his fault, not in the slightest. What happened was that one night in December, one of my on call nights, I was called out to a crime scene in North London. I wasn't told anything about it as such, only that it was two victims who seemed to have been murdered, and who had been on the missing person's register. But I could have handled that, honestly. I knew it wasn't exactly going to be a walk in the park, but I could have handled it. Except that when I arrived at the crime scene, I realized that it was a mother and her daughter, the mother around your age and with the same blonde curls, and the daughter still just a baby, a couple of months older than Josi the last time I saw her. And the way they'd been left, the agony they must have been put through… it was horrible, Nikki, it was just horrible. But I managed to hold it all together at the crime scene, even the next day, when I had to carry out the PMs and Leo sighed and shook his head and offered to take over, saying he knew I was perfectly capable but would I rather that he handled this one? But I didn't let him, of course, I was stupid. And it was a matter of days before the nightmares of you and Josi ending up on the mortuary slabs had become hallucinations, before the panic attacks during the PMs started. And it was at that point that Leo packed me off to your 'friend' Dr Banks, saying that he wasn't letting me back to work until the panic attacks stopped, that I'd been through a horrible experience over the past few months and perhaps I just needed someone outside the situation to talk things through with. So reluctantly, I went along to the appointment. And it wasn't as bad as I had thought; it did actually help, in a funny sort of way. It took a while for the hallucinations to stop completely, and the nightmares are still there, but it's a whole lot better than it was. Leo let me back to work a few weeks ago, after my visit to South Africa. Charlie's beginning to settle into life as a trainee pathologist now; I think it was harder than she was expecting, but you can tell she's enjoying the whole experience. Leo's had to buy her a new desk though, because I won't let anyone else near yours. It's become a shrine of sorts: everything exactly as you left it before you went off to South Africa, what now seems like a lifetime ago. And it's all going to stay that way, until you come home.

You'll have noticed that the safari count's gone up by a giraffe (doesn't that just sound bizarre?); I went out to South Africa again in the new year, as promised. I didn't bring you and Joycelin home with me, as you'll know by now, so Martha and I have added a giraffe to the butterfly shelf in Josi's nursery. It looks quite sweet actually; it's just a shame that until you both come home, it symbolizes something not particularly pleasant.

Pieter and the rest of the police team working on your case updated me whilst I was out in Cape Town; not that they had much to update me on. They've gone from having a minimum of 3 suspected Phoenix Movement murders a month in June-October 2011, to none whatsoever from the night you and Joycelin were abducted up to now. That's a good sign apparently; according to one of the consultant criminal psychologists working on the case, that suggests that the psychopathic behaviour has stopped for the time being, that you're unlikely to have been… you know. You're most likely still alive- that's a slightly nicer way of putting it, even though we still don't have the faintest idea where you are. But we're working on it Nikki, I promise you. We'll get there.

I'm babysitting tonight. As you probably saw from the date at the beginning of this one, it's Valentine's Day today. It would have been our first one together, but not as it turned out, inevitably. That's a word I seem to be using more and more lately: would. So I offered to babysit Jasper for this evening, so that Leo and Janet could go out and have a nice evening together. There's no point me going out with anyone, not when the only person I'll ever want is you. I'd wait for you forever Nikki Alexander, I honestly would. You're never getting rid of me now, not ever.

I'd better go; I think Jasper's woken up. He's a year old next week, which is pretty scary actually, it just shows how much time has passed without me even realizing. Josi will be approaching 7 months old now; that really _is_ scary, given how tiny she was the last time I saw her. I still think about you both every minute of every day, you know that don't you? Neither of you ever leave my mind for more than a moment.

Back soon, I promise,

Love Harry xxxx


	32. One year on

**Just a warning: I've uploaded 2 chapters at once, so if this is the first one you've come to then there's another one which comes before this :) I decided to be nice to you as this one is actually set a year from today, and I'm celebrating finally being 16! Wuhooo! Do actually feel very grown up now, wonder if should be 'Florencia' from now on… hmm. Anyway, enjoy this one, sorry for my rambling, please drop me a review and I'll get more chapters up for you soon :) And we're getting close to something major happening now, promise :)**

**Love Flossie xxx**

**Chapter 31**

**One year on**

**Tuesday 31****st**** July 2012**

**-1.03pm**

**Location: Three Anchor Bay, Cape Town, South Africa**

**Days since disappearance: 295**

**Safari Count: 1 elephant, 1 giraffe, 1 lion**

"Bạn có biết những gì ngày hôm nay?" Bai Lưu asked his daughter as he carried her up the stairs back into the main body of the house, being careful to lock each door behind him. "Do you know what day it is today, hmm? It's a very special one, isn't it? Is it your birthday? Hey?"

His daughter simply blinked at him, her deep blue eyes wide and somewhat blank. She was always so serious when she was with him, so composed; it was almost as if she knew, as if she knew everything that had happened, everything which was going to happen, thanks to him. But she couldn't. She was a year old, how could she possibly know? But the way Joycelin- or Hong-hanh, as he called her- was around her mother was completely different to her behaviour around him, even he couldn't deny that. Bai had been worried that being born so premature would have delayed his daughter's development somehow, but there was no evidence of that, with Nikki, at least. With her mother she would laugh, smile, she was beginning to talk a little in soft Afrikaans, but with him… nothing. She knew, Bai was sure she did. He needed to get rid of Nikki, really, he needed to have his baby to himself so she would become attached solely to him, but he knew he couldn't do that until Hong-hanh was a little older, slightly easier for an aged man with no experience of young children to handle. And so for now, he was going to have to put up with his baby's stubborn resentment of him, however irritated it made him feel. He was just going to have to live with it. He had another 3 years, after all, before he needed to return to the Phoenix Movement's base camp, Hong-hanh in tow. He had another 3 years to wean her off her mother and begin to teach her, the necessary things to help her with the impossible task she was going to be given the moment the two of them arrived. But he tried not to think about that too much; the mere thought threatened to send him over the edge. No, he couldn't think about what was going to happen in the future; he had to focus on now. He wasn't sure he would be able to live with himself if he didn't.

**Location: Lyell Centre, London, UK**

Harry Cunningham sighed and gritted his teeth as he threw down his rubber gloves into the bin at the cutting room exit, his PM on his latest case finally complete. Leo had told him not to bother coming into work today, but Harry had insisted, saying that there was no point moping around at home, that doing so would only make him feel a thousand times worse. At least he was kept busy at work, at least there was something to occupy his mind other than thoughts of his family, of the woman he loved unconditionally whom he had now been with for almost a year, of his daughter, now exactly a year old and having spent the last 9 months away from him. 9 months was such a long time for a baby; she would be completely different now to the tiny baby he had first laid eyes on a year ago today, the small yet perfectly-formed little thing attached to a mass of monitor wires, drips and tubes. Joycelin wouldn't remember him now, Harry knew that for certain. But he remembered her; he could still see Josi and Nikki in his mind's eye as clearly as if it were yesterday he had last seen them, not 9 months ago. Did that make it easier? Harry didn't know. Nothing really seemed to make it easier; nothing could quite numb the pain anymore, not even the slightest bit. Here he was, 9 months, 3 trips to South Africa, 295 days and several public appeals in vain later and still the police were not any closer to finding his family. That was what hurt the most, the not knowing whether to give up hope and let them go forever, to lay their memories to rest, or to keep fighting on, to maintain the hope and belief that one day he would get them back again. And even if someone was merciful enough to answer that simple question, to tell Harry that he would see Nikki and Joycelin again, that still left a thousand questions unanswered, a thousand uncertainties. What had they been put through this past year? What kind of state would they be in when he finally got them back? Would Nikki ever truly be able to recover, both from the rape back in January and her ordeal of the past 9 months? Or would she remain emotionally scarred for the rest of her life, a mere shadow of the person she once was, the person who had invaded the Lyell Centre and stubbornly refused to leave, before being dragged away from him and taking a piece of his heart along with her? 9 months on and yet still no one was any closer to providing the answers.

"Harry?" he was pulled from his thoughts by Charlie's voice coming from the other end of the lab and turned back, seeing her standing behind him, tying on a plastic apron and looking up at him from the slab beside her.

"Have you got a spare moment?" she asked. "I need to get this done by the end of the afternoon and I think Leo's still at that stabbing in Ealing." Charlie was progressing well with both her medical degree and her pathology training, but she was still very much in the early stages and was not yet allowed to carry out post mortems without the supervision of either Leo or Harry.

"Sure, no problem," Harry smiled reassuringly, leaning over to pick up another pair of rubber gloves before crossing back into the main area of the cutting room. He had a huge stack of paperwork which desperately needed completing before Leo got back, but he also knew that paperwork and report writing were going to be nowhere near as good distractions from everything else on his mind as helping Charlie with her PM would be. And he had to face it; there and then, he needed every distraction he could get.

**-3.28pm**

**Location: Three Anchor Bay, Cape Town, South Africa**

There was nothing quite like the sense of relief which Nikki felt each time her daughter was brought back to her, and today was no different. She knew what day it was- she had been given a calendar the first day she had woken up in her prison, scared and alone- she knew it was her daughter's birthday today. It had been a whole year since that life-changing day in July, just short of one since she and Harry had finally gotten together, and yet more than 9 months of that year had been spent apart. Aside from Joycelin, the only thing which had been keeping Nikki going over those long, painful 9 months, especially during the hours in the middle of the day in which her daughter was taken away from her, was the thought of somehow managing to escape and find her way back to Harry. But what if he had moved on, convinced that she wasn't coming back? What if he didn't love her anymore, if he'd long since forgotten about her and moved onto some adoring 25 year old months ago? Nikki wasn't sure she could cope with that, not on top of everything else she had been put through. And even if Harry had waited for her, would he still want to be with her now, after all that had happened, everything she had been put through? He wouldn't want to be with her now, she was sure of it. Apart from anything, were he to stay with her when she finally got away from Bai and her father, he would be lucky to get more than an hour's worth of sleep at a time. That was another thing she felt constantly guilty about: rather than it being Joycelin who kept her awake at night, more often than not it was Nikki herself who woke up screaming. Poor Joycelin was almost at the point of sleeping straight through the night now, she was sure of it, if it wasn't for her useless mother waking her up so many times in the early hours of the morning. Sometimes, after being dumped back in their small, whitewashed room after a particularly horrific attack, she would keep herself awake deliberately, sitting and watching her daughter sleep until morning came, depriving herself of sleep in order to ensure that her nightmares didn't disturb her baby. Because poor little Joycelin didn't deserve to be put through anything more than she already had, not in the slightest. And so as Nikki reached out to take her daughter back from her father- clearly Bai Lưu hadn't seen it fit to grace her with his presence today and had sent Victor Alexander as the shuttle service between them instead- she avoided his gaze, staring firmly at the floor until he felt her baby placed into her arms, not trusting herself to not punch him in the face and upset Joycelin if she allowed herself to meet his eyes.

"Niks…" her father sighed, pulling away as Joycelin was taken from him, but Nikki simply ignored him, as she had done each time the pair had been in the same room over the past 9 months. She had nothing to say to him anymore, not after everything he had done to her, everything he was going to allow happen to his own granddaughter. It was much less painful to simply ignore him, to pretend he wasn't there. And today was no different.

"It's alright, you're OK now," she told her daughter softly in Afrikaans, pulling away from her and holding her in a standing position, slowly sliding her hands down Joycelin's arms and down to her hands, ensuring she had found her balance before letting go of her and pulling away, sliding backwards slightly along the floor away from her and holding out her arms encouragingly.

"Joycelin!" she called gently, smiling at her as her daughter walked shakily towards her, leaning into Nikki's chest as she reached her and allowing her mother to lift her up.

"Good girl!" she told her, leaning back against the wall and pulling Joycelin onto her lap. "Jy is so gegroei het tot nou is jy nie? You're getting so grown up now aren't you? Hey?"

Nikki looked up now slowly, relieved to see that her father had disappeared, before turning her attention back to her daughter. In some ways, this birthday was rather painful. Because with each year older Joycelin became, the closer came the day on which Bai would take her away for good, carry her off to Korea and force her to try and fail to complete some kind of pathetic suicide mission. And after 9 months of nobody but Joycelin for company, 9 months of her becoming the most important person in her life alongside Harry, she knew for certain that she was never going to be able to cope without her.


	33. Never Forgotten

**Chapter 32 :) I'm writing a slightly nicer chapter at the moment which you should get in the next few days, so you have a slightly happier bit coming up soon :) Thank you so much to everyone still reading and particularly those still reviewing: Amy, Dinabar, Heleni0, Lizzi and Em; so glad I still have people reading and enjoying this, despite how long it's turning out! So thank you :) **

**Heleni0- sorry, I can see how the date jumping might get a little confusing! I'm trying to get this moving a bit until the inevitable happens, but it is quite difficult to do that without big jumps, so please let me know if you get too confused and I'll try and explain :) I've gone through the next few chapters and I'm trying to make things a bit more continuous between the chapters, thanks for letting me know :) **

**One final note: a few of you have been asking what's going to happen to Bai at the end and whether he's going to get what he deserves. All I'm going to say just yet is this: I've decided what's going to happen but I haven't written it just yet, and there is a clue to what happens to him in one of my oneshots, which the bright sparks among you might just pick up on… Let me know if you get it; it might become slightly clearer in a couple of chapters time, and I'll give you a special mention if you get it :)**

**Don't forget to review, you know I love your feedback!**

**Love Florencia xxx**

**Chapter 32**

**Never Forgotten**

**Sunday 11****th**** November 2012**

**-10.52am**

**Location: Kensington, London, UK**

**Days since disappearance: 398**

**Safari Count: 1 elephant, 1 giraffe, 1 lion**

Harry Cunningham shivered and pulled his coat tightly around himself as a particularly strong burst of cold wind hit him, whistling angrily through the churchyard like a hurricane attacking a small defenceless island. At least, that was how it seemed to Harry. It was more than a year ago now, more than a year since Nikki and Joycelin had vanished in the middle of the night, and still the police investigation was getting nowhere. Under normal circumstances the case would have been declared cold by now, but Pieter Lamprecht had made Nikki and Joycelin's disappearance his own personal side project, refusing to let it go. He rarely had anything new to report to Harry and the others but that wasn't important; what mattered was that someone was still fighting for Nikki, still trying to find her and Josi. And all the while the police investigation was still open, Harry knew that he couldn't give up either.

And that was why Harry was here, standing in a cold churchyard on Remembrance Sunday a few minutes before 11 in the morning, ready and waiting to join the masses of South West London in remembering those who had died in battle. Except it weren't just the soldiers he was remembering, not this year. That was the whole point of Remembrance Sunday was to remember military officers, Harry knew that, but there were two other people he was thinking about, two other people who had never been far from his mind in the year and a month since he had last seen or heard anything about them. Two other people, he had begun to realize lately, that he might never know what had happened to.

He would never stop thinking about them though, even if he spent the rest of his life in living in limbo, wondering if Nikki and Joycelin were still alive or if they had been murdered the very day they went missing. He couldn't move on until he knew what had happened, certainly couldn't think about starting dating again, as some of his friends had recently suggested. They had never been in love, not properly, he was certain of that. How could they have been, if they were willing to make such an outrageous suggestion? Harry loved Nikki more than anything else in the world, and he couldn't even contemplate a life without her and Joycelin, not after having a taste of how perfect things could be. He would never love anyone else like her loved Nikki; if he couldn't have her, then he didn't want to be with anyone. And he didn't care if that meant that he spent the rest of his life as a lonely bachelor, that was fine by him. Nikki and Joycelin were the only family he wanted, the only family he would ever want. And that was never going to change, no matter how much time passed.

He could hear bells ringing now, and stopped in his tracks, bowing his head as the clock struck 11 to pay his respects. It had been a long year, to say the least. In some ways, Harry's world had stopped turning completely the day his family had been taken from him, but at the same time, so much had happened in those 398 days since he had last seen them, so many things Nikki would currently be completely oblivious to, that she would have to get used to if and when she came home, things which meant that she would never quite get her 'old' life back as such; the people she had left behind in that lifetime were not quite the same. Leo and Janet, for instance. On the surface they seemed happier than Harry had ever known the pair of them; Jasper Dalton was now 21 months old and, having been with his parents for just over a year now, was fully relaxed and settled into his new life in London. It seemed as if everything was falling neatly into place for them; Leo and Janet were even thinking of adopting a second child the following year. And yet below that perfect exterior, Harry knew that they were far from content. Jasper had a godmother he had never even laid eyes on, a cousin he might never get to play with, while his parents had a friend and colleague missing, a 'granddaughter' growing up without them. And no matter how happy their little family was, nothing could quite numb that pain.

Harry raised his head once more as the minute of silence ended, looking up at the dull grey sky. It was one of the things which could occasionally provide some comfort; looking up at the sky. Although it could appear different in various parts of the world, whether in England or South Africa, Australia or India, it was all the same sky. Somewhere else in the world- and god only knew where- Nikki could be looking up at the same sky, wishing they were together too.

"Where are you, Nikki?" he whispered desperately, fighting back the tears that were beginning to come, telling himself that grown men didn't cry in public. "Where are you?"

**-11.56pm**

**Location: Three Anchor Bay, Cape Town, South Africa**

Nikki Alexander was screaming. Not because anyone was hurting her- not physically at present, at least- but because she was dreaming, so caught up in the current nightmare she was experiencing that even now, having woken herself up, she couldn't quite distinguish between dream and reality. Had Bai been in again for her, had he hurt her again, for the second time that evening? She didn't know, she couldn't think, it had all seemed so real… She was aware that she was still screaming but couldn't seem to stop herself, couldn't stop the fear and hurt from taking over her, taunting her, reminding her of the whole nightmare situation that had become her life over the last year. She just wanted someone to come and take control for her, to help her cope with everything, or alternatively, to take her away from Bai Lưu's basement prison and back home, back to her life, the life she should have, not the one she had been forced into.

"Harry!" she managed between sobs, aware that he wasn't able to come to her, that it was stupid to be calling out his name, and yet unable to control herself. "Harry, p-p-please!"

"Mama!"

The scared tone of her daughter's voice forced Nikki back to reality, reminding her that she couldn't be selfish anymore, couldn't work herself into a state like that. It wasn't fair on Joycelin to have to see her mother like that, and the older she grew, the more it was going to scare her. She needed to pull herself together, for Joycelin's sake.

"It's alright, malaika, it's alright," she managed, leaning into the cot to lift out her daughter and pulling her into a hug, stroking her hair. "It's all alright, Josi, I promise. I'm sorry sweetheart, I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have scared you like that, should I? Shh, it's OK, don't cry."

Joycelin turned to look her mother in the eyes; even in the dark, Nikki was almost certain she could see pity there. But no, that wasn't possible. Joycelin was far too young to understand what was happening around her… wasn't she?

"Sleg?" Joycelin asked her, the word perfectly clear and her voice raising a little in pitch; it was a question, not a statement, causing her mother to wince slightly. 'Bad', that was what Joycelin, her 16 month daughter, had just asked her. God, this wasn't fair on her, not the slightest bit.

"Yes, sweetheart," Nikki sighed, holding her daughter a little tighter. "Yes, but it was just a dream, it's OK. I'm fine, promise. Everything's fine. Now come on, back to sleep," she told her, softly but firmly, picking her daughter up and tucking her back into bed, leaning in to kiss her forehead softly before laying down on the floor bedside the cot, shivering slightly from the cold.

But it hadn't been the dream her daughter was talking about, and Nikki knew it. She knew that Joycelin was still too young to be starting a conversation, intentionally, at least, but she also knew that she _was_ old enough to be beginning to associate words with events, with emotions, with people. It wasn't the dream she was associating the word 'bad' with, it was more complicated than that. Joycelin must have seen Bai become violent with her mother a thousand times by now, despite Nikki trying her best to shield her from it. She must have seen how her mother reacted in exactly the same way to both Bai's brutal attacks and to the nightmares, picked up on the same use of language, the same behaviour. She didn't mean the dreams when she used the word 'bad', not really. She meant Bai. And Nikki didn't think she had ever felt so hopeless in her whole life.


	34. Harry's Diary

**I'm giving you another 2 chapters at once :) Partly because they're both short and partly because I'm so, so sorry for what happens in the next one. You'll find out in a minute. So for now, thank you thank you thank you to Heleni0, GemS (remind me nearer to the time and you can have a fic:), Lizzi, Amy and Em for your reviews, you guys are making all this possible. **

**Also, once you've read the next chapter, it might be a good idea to go back and reread the first few chapters of Sunset in SA to remind yourself about the Phoenix Movement, as there's a chapter coming up with focuses quite heavily on them. I also want to take this opportunity to stress that all the political stuff in this story is entirely fictional, as is the Phoenix Movement, Bai Lưu, and their anti-communism plan for North Korea. I'm not trying to start a cult, as Bai is, I'm just writing a fanfic! One last thing; not sure how clear I've made it throughout the fic but despite the amount of misery they manage to spread, Bai's phoenix movement is only a very small organisation, more of a group of angry, dangerous refugees, really, a bit like the animal rights group in 'Schism'. Partly because a proper organisation wouldn't be planning on using children to fight their battles in the way that Bai plans to, and partly because I don't want to ruin the happy ending I promised you all by having to put Harry and co. into witness protection! **

**Sorry about all that, hope you're following, if you're lost then please let me know and I'll explain, and please please review :)**

**Love Flossie xxx**

**Chapter 33**

**Harry's Diary**

_**1 year later…**_

**Tuesday 31****st**** December 2013**

**-11.49pm**

**Location: Three Anchor Bay, Cape Town, South Africa**

**Days since disappearance: 813**

**Safari Count: 1 elephant, 1 giraffe, 1 lion, 1 buffalo, 1 zebra, 1 rhino**

Bloody hate New Year parties. No, wait… not strictly true. Used to love New Year parties, as was excuse to spend whole evening in company of most beautiful woman in whole world, then in mere capacity of best friend, but all the same. So now dread New Year parties, because should be spent in company of said best friend in girlfriend capacity, kissing when the clock strikes midnight and trying to keep baby daughter awake for long enough to watch fireworks display. But can't. Because have now been separated from girlfriend and daughter for more than 2 years, have no idea when will see them again, if ever, and don't want to snog anyone but Nikki come midnight. Therefore New Year parties are horrible reminder of everything should but no longer have, and dreaded with every bone in body.

Really should stop moping. Should be grateful that Sara offered to have Mum and me for New Year; am aware have not exactly been life and soul of any given party since Nikki and Josi went missing, to say the least. Told her she didn't have to but she insisted- Mum and I were going to be in South Africa for New Year anyway on desperate 'two years on since disappearance- have you seen anything?' campaign, so said that least she could do would be give us somewhere to stay/party to go to. Mum seems to be enjoying self, at least: is currently dancing around swimming pool with Danika, Zaretta &co to '2012' song by Jay something-or-other, wonder if they know they're almost 2 years late. Talk about embarrassing parent. Suspect is drunk, is certainly not her normal behaviour. Just waiting for someone to fall into pool, would be comedy genius. Might even make me smile.

Can't deny that Sara throws a good party, though. Excellent food, lots of drink, karaoke machine for top quality comedy (might send Leo and Janet's rendition of 'I've got you, babe' to You've Been Framed when get home, would be sure to make small fortune), promise of fireworks later and comfy bed to fall into come early hours of morning… perfect. Can definitely see self becoming a regular here, if New Year parties are a must. Trouble is, know party would be a thousand times enjoyable if was sharing it with Nikki and Josi. Why does everything ever do have to be constant reminder?

**-11.53pm**

Had better go and check on Jasper and Jacob, come to think of it. Thanks to South African seasons being back-to-front New Year party is being held in garden, but Jasper and Jacob fell asleep hours ago so better go and check on them, don't think Leo and Janet are in fit state to remember to do so. Then again, don't think am Jacob's favourite person; always seems to burst into tears when try to pick him up. Leo and Janet say not to worry, as latest addition to Mander-Dalton family is still baby and has only been home from Vietnam a few weeks, but am not convinced. Only thing am convinced of is that Leo and Janet are almost certainly huge Twilight fans, now one child is named after vampire and other after werewolf. Poor children.

**-11.55pm**

Both boys still fast asleep. Suspect won't be for much longer after midnight fireworks start, but Leo and Janet will have to sober up and sort that one out for selves. Refuse to be babysitter for night. Apart from anything, they get paid peanuts.

**-11.58pm**

Everyone now crowded round bottom of garden to watch Pieter and couple of policeman friends set off fireworks in approximately 1min 34secs time. Not sure can be bothered. Don't particularly want to welcome New Year; simply marks another year doomed to be spent without family. 2014 can get bloody stuffed.

**-11.59pm**

Martha now standing next to me with sympathetic expression on face. Doesn't appear to be drunk, might be good company. Nice to know that someone else isn't too enthusiastic about firework display, either.

"Make a wish."

Hmm? Strange request.

Must have given away surprise with facial expression.

"It's a Xhosa custom to make a wish in the transition from one year to the next. Admittedly the Xhosa calendar ends in May and begins in June." Is now looking at me with sad expression on face.

"Come on, Harry. When they first went missing you were so positive, you believed we were going to find them, didn't you? But now it's like you've given up hope. Nikki wouldn't want you to be so down all the time, Harry, you know that. And if she and Josi are still alive, then she wouldn't want you to give up on them. You've got to have some hope, Harry. If you haven't got any hope, then what have you got to live for?"

OK, she's convinced me. Have never really been one for making wishes, but suppose doesn't hurt to try. Now think about it, is the sort of thing Nikki would do, so perhaps should make a wish, for her. OK then, here goes…

**Wednesday 1****st**** January 2013**

**-0.00am**

"Mama?" 2 year old Joycelin Martha Alexander sat up in her bed and frowned, awakened by a series of loud bangs coming from outside. It was dark, but she could just make out her mother huddled in the corner of the room, standing on tiptoes, peering out of the small, narrow window at the very top of the wall. "Mama, wat gebeur?" What's happening?

"Joycelin, come here," her mother told her softly, turning to face her and holding out her arms. Curiously, Joycelin clambered out of bed and crossed the room, cowering in her mother's arms as she heard another series of loud crackles.

"Mama, what is it?"

"I'll show you," her mother told her gently, lifting her off the ground and up to the window, so Joycelin could see out. She had looked out of this window before, so she knew it was on ground level; you had to tilt your head upwards if you wanted to see the sky.

"Can you see the fireworks?"

Joycelin looked up at the sky, pausing for a moment before noticing a scattering of pinks and purples in the distance, littering the otherwise dull black sky with Technicolor. Joycelin knew all about fireworks; her father had taken her to see some in a Cape Town park a few weeks ago, for a birthday party of a friend of his.

"Why are there fireworks?" she asked.

"Because it's the first of January," her mother explained. "And people are setting off fireworks to celebrate the New Year."

Joycelin frowned. "But it's not a new year yet! It's not the New Year until February, that's what Dad said!"

"That's when the Vietnamese new year is, yes," her mother told her. "That's when Tet is. But in South Africa we celebrate the New Year on the first of January."

"Oh." Joycelin nodded, looking up at the fireworks again. "They're very pretty."

"They are," her mother agreed.

Joycelin thought for a moment. "So I'm going to be…" she counted on her fingers. "I'm going to be 3 this year?"

And suddenly her mother seemed to tense. "That's right, good girl," she told her, putting her down again, before sitting down and pulling her daughter onto her lap. "You're going to be grown up, aren't you?"

But Joycelin didn't answer. Because she was sure she could see a thin silver trail running down her mother's cheek. She was crying.

"Mama?" she asked, concerned. "Mama, what's wrong?"

"Nothing, sweetheart," her mother said softly, pulling her into a hug. "Nothing's wrong. But Joycelin, listen, you know… you know I love you, don't you? You know that I always will, no matter what happens?"

"Hmm," Joycelin looked up at her mother, confused. She didn't understand why she was acting so strangely. She was used to seeing her mother looking sad, but she had never seen a look on her face quite like this one. It wasn't just sadness, it was something else too, but she wasn't sure what it was. All she did know was that if her mother was that upset about something, something she wouldn't speak about, then something was very, very wrong.


	35. Separation I

**I've uploaded 2 chapters at once again, so there might be another one you need to read first if you haven't done already. We'll talk after this one; in the meantime, I just want to say that I'm really, really really sorry :( But it had to be done.**

**Chapter 34**

**Separation I**

**Year of the Rooster**

**Friday 11****th**** August 2017**

**-11.19am**

I don't understand what's going on anymore. Nobody's told me anything, not really, and I'm too afraid to ask. The only thing anyone has told me is that they want to be sure I am who they think I am before they contact my mum. They don't want to get attached to me yet; I can tell that much. I can't say I blame them for that, after 3 years of uncertainty whilst I've been living someone else's life, unaware that I belonged somewhere else. But it doesn't make this state of limbo any easier.

I'm not with the woman who rescued me from the market anymore; she's long gone. Instead, she's handed me over to someone else: a thin white woman with long brown hair and sharp eyes who introduced herself as Sara, telling me she was a doctor- a forensic pathologist- but a doctor too. She hasn't spoken to me at all in that time unless she'd had to, not even bothering to ask my name. She doesn't want to get attached until she has an answer, I know that, and in a way I don't blame her. And so she's spent the whole morning running all sorts of tests. First, she cut out a lock of my hair and shoved it into a small plastic bag, then stuck a plastic stick in my mouth, then took a sample of my blood and sent all 3 off with a courier to be run against Nikki Alexander's DNA. My mother's DNA, if I'm right, if I am Joycelin Alexander. It's all so confusing.

Now Sara is examining my knee, the dodgy one with all the scars across it, comparing them to a hospital photograph of a baby's knee, lying across the table next to her. Every now and then she will look up at me, searching my face as if hoping to spot a glimpse of my mum there. What if she can't make the connection? What if Nikki Alexander's little girl is long gone, changed into a different person as a result of years away from her mother? What if, even if I do get handed over back to my mum, we can't gel, that we've spent too long apart and can't get on with each other? What happens then?

"Can I see your arms?" Sara is asking now, letting go of my knee at last. She's smiling slightly now, so I try to smile back, trying to echo her enthusiasm. It's not the easiest thing to do with someone you don't know, but who seems to know you a whole lot better than you first thought.

I lean forwards cautiously, pushing up my jumper sleeves and placing my arms across the table, but Sara isn't looking at my arms anymore. Now she is reaching out to grasp the gold dragonfly hanging around my neck, seemingly noticing it for the first time.

"Where did you get this?" she asks softly, looking right into my eyes for the first time. There's something new there now as her fingers slide across the birthmark on my arm: hope. Like she's starting to believe that maybe, just maybe, I could be who she thinks.

"It was my mum's," I tell her nervously, not quite sure where a sudden wave of shyness has come from. "She gave it to me, the day we were separated."

Sara studies me for a moment, her eyes darting from the dragonfly to me and back again, seemingly having made her mind up about something.

"Come on," she says, letting go of the necklace and standing up. Let's go and hassle the lab for your DNA results, shall we? I told them it was a matter of urgency and to stop whatever else they were doing until they'd run your samples; if they took me seriously then they should be able to give me answer over the phone by now." She moves to lift me off the examination table but a flinch away from her, still not entirely sure I trust her. Sara pulls away quickly, a look of sympathy on her face, allowing me to follow behind her out of the office instead.

We've barely walked a couple of metres down the corridor when it happens. Suddenly Sara stops in her tracks, moving in front of me, shielding me. Hiding behind her, I can just about make out a lone figure standing further down the corridor; a short, oriental man, holding something out in front of him, but I can't quite make out what it is. And the moment I see him, everything seems to happen in slow motion. There's a horrifically loud bang, and then events seem to unfold in the same way they did in my memory of 3 years ago, the night my mum was taken. We both see the bullet coming, heading right at us, but it's coming too fast; by the time we've registered it, it's far too late to react.

And suddenly Sara is staggering backwards, her breathing coming in short, sharp gasps as she grasps as her right thigh, struggling to keep her balance for a moment before losing the battle and collapsing to the floor, letting out a harsh, agonising cry as she hits the ground. I want to scream, to run and try and find someone to help, but I can't; I'm rooted to the spot. Because now Sara is lying injured on the floor, perfectly still and a dull red puddle beginning to form around her body, I have a clear view of her attacker, the man running down the corridor towards me, stopping briefly to kick Sara in the chest as he steps over her, grasping my waist firmly and throwing me over his shoulder. Bai Lưu.

"You really thought I wouldn't find you?" he snarls, beginning to run towards the fire exit. "You really thought I was going to let you go, just like that? I can't let you go, you understand? We've come too far for me to let you go now, you know that, he'll kill me if I let you go now! We've got to go back, like I promised, you understand? I can't let you go now; we have to finish what we started, however impossible that might be! I can't let you go now!"

**I'm sorry! I know, I know, I've gone and burst the perfect little glimpse of hope that was the year of the rooster chapters :( But it had to be done. I did try writing it without shooting Sara but as I was trying to tell it from the point of view of a 6 year old it just didn't have enough 'omph', I'm afraid I had to do something drastic. I'm sorry :( Let me know what you think, and I'll get the next chapter up soon :) And your opinion counts now more than ever!**

**Love Flossie xxx**


	36. Separation II

**I think we can safely say that this is the longest chapter I've written so far! There wasn't really an obvious place to cut it, so you can have it all at once :) Aren't I nice? :)**

**Sorry about the last chapter: thank you so much to Em, Lizzi, Amy, Heleni0, GemS, Izzy, teenchickme and lol for your reviews, you guys are amazing :) No, really. **

**In answer to your questions; yep there will be a happy ending soon, I promise! I have actually written the epilogue now so it has to happen, it's just a case of getting to that point! And when we do, I've got a family-life themed sequel planned, if anyone's interested :) So you have that to look forward to! Tigpop- I'm not sure if Sara's going to die yet, it's up to you guys. Do you want her to die? I'd rather not kill her off, I quite like Sara, but if you all want me to… let me know, and I'll think about it! That sounds really wrong, doesn't it- this is all fiction, I promise!**

**Enjoy this one, and reviews would be much appreciated :) And just a reminder, Sara was shot in the future, in 2017 in the year of the rooster chapter, which is why she's fine in this one!**

**Love Florencia xxx**

**Chapter 35**

**Separation II**

**Friday 8****th**** August 2014**

**-4.19pm**

Nikki Alexander was on edge. It was mid-afternoon now, and Bai Lưu should have brought Joycelin back to her by now. It had been their routine for the past 3 years now; Bai would take her daughter away from her each and every day at around 12, but he would always bring her back by 2 in the afternoon, 2.30 at the very latest. Sometimes he would take her out in the evenings too, but again, only for a couple of hours at a time. So where was her daughter now? She didn't know. She hadn't seen Bai himself or her father for over a week now; Lan Phom had become the shuttle service between them, bringing food and water every other day, taking Josi to Bai and back again, and she didn't speak much English- claimed not to, at least. Nikki had heard a woman's voice speaking in English outside the room before to her father, clipped accented English which sounded similar to Bai Lưu's. Lan _did_ speak English, Nikki knew that much. She just didn't want to speak to her, perhaps out of guilt. She hoped it was out of guilt. She hoped Lan Phom never managed to escape from the guilt of standing by and letting her and her daughter be held captive as long as she lived.

No, something was going on, Nikki knew it. And she was terrified that she knew what it was, that the day she had spent almost 3 years dreading had finally come. Joycelin was 3 years old now, capable of looking after herself to a certain extent. Bai Lưu had made it clear right from the beginning that as soon as Joycelin was slightly older, slightly more independent, he would be taking her away, taking her to North Korea, taking her to fulfil her 'destiny', as he called it. It was insane. The whole thing was insane, driven by a single group of people's horrific experiences as a child and desperation to reclaim their homeland, to make a stand, to end world suffering. But it couldn't be done; Nikki knew that, as any rational person did. You couldn't end world suffering. It was on far too great a scale for one group of refugees to end it, yet alone using a child. And yet that was exactly what Bai and the Phoenix Movement were going to try to do.

Nikki was distracted from her thoughts by the sound of a key turning noisily in the door and turned around, praying to a god she no longer believed in that her daughter would emerge from the other side of the corridor. But for once in her life, her prayer was answered, and Joycelin skipped into the room, scanning it for a moment before noticing her mother curled up below the window, moving over to her.

"Mama? Mama, wat is verkeerd? What's wrong?"

Nikki turned to face her daughter as she sat down beside her, reminding herself that she had to pull herself together now, for Joycelin's sake.

"I'm fine, sweetheart, I'm fine. You've just been away for a while, much longer than usual. I was worried, that's all."

"It was a long time," Joycelin agreed. "The car journey was horribly long."

"Car journey?" Nikki frowned, suddenly worried. "Where did he take you?"

"Them. Dad and the other man, Victor. And we went shopping," Joycelin replied, and only then did Nikki notice the rectangular black case lying at her daughter's feet. Joycelin didn't know that Victor Alexander was her grandfather, her mother's father, and Nikki wasn't about to tell her.

"What's that, then?" she asked her daughter, motioning to the case. "Is that what you bought?"

Joycelin nodded, opening the case and lifting something small and wooden out.

"It's a violin," she told her mother proudly. "Victor bought it for me in Cape Town; Dad's going to teach me how to play it. Mama?" she asked, suddenly serious; as serious as an only-just 3 year old could possibly be, at least.

"Mama, why does Victor call me 'Celin'? That's not my name."

"I know it's not," Nikki sighed, wondering how to explain to a toddler that Victor Alexander was in fact her grandfather, that he'd betrayed the pair of them a thousand times before and was probably about to do so again, that she couldn't be sure but she suspected that the reason he called her 'Celin' was because of her grandmother, because she had her grandmother's eyes, because whenever he looked at her he was reminded of another person he had let down badly in the past, that perhaps he was now so overtaken by guilt that he couldn't distinguish between the two different people anymore? Did that even make sense? Nikki didn't know, not anymore. She didn't think she'd been sure about anything for almost 3 years now.

"I don't know, darling," Nikki sighed, looking her daughter straight in the eyes and hoping she didn't pick up on the doubt there. "I don't know. But it doesn't matter, Josi, OK? Don't give it another thought."

She spent the rest of the day trying to act as if everything were normal, trying to make the most of what she was almost certain was her last few hours with her daughter, without letting anything on to Joycelin. It wasn't the easiest thing to try and do, but she was doing her very best. Now Nikki was sat cross-legged on the floor with her daughter, shivering slightly from the evening chill; nights were cold in Africa, whatever the time of year. She was trying to engage Joycelin in a jigsaw puzzle, but her daughter seemed somehow distracted. Was she simply picking up on Nikki's own uneasiness, or had she been told something earlier, something she was too afraid to tell her mother which was scaring her? Nikki didn't know. She didn't know how to cope with this; nobody had thought to include a page in the numerous parenting books she had read in the weeks after Joycelin's birth advising her as to what to do if she and her child were kidnapped and possibly about to be separated. She didn't know what to do. She just didn't know what to do.

"Joycelin!" she tried encouragingly, holding out one of the puzzle pieces in an attempt to regain her daughter's focus. "Joycelin! Can you find where this piece goes?"

Joycelin looked up at her for a moment, a strange expression in her eyes which Nikki couldn't quite place. Then she seemed to compose herself slightly and smiled, taking the jigsaw piece from her mother's hand and studying the already-assembled parts of the puzzle intently. And then it happened. Then it happened, and in a matter of minutes, mother and daughters' whole world changed.

The key was turning in the lock again, and a couple of moments later Victor Alexander entered the room, a look of severe guilt and agony painted across his face. Joycelin must have picked up on it, because suddenly she was crawling onto Nikki's lap, burying her face in her chest.

"Hey, hey, it's alright," Nikki told her softly, trying and failing to understand what was wrong. "It's fine Josi, I'm not going to let him hurt you, sweetheart. I promise."

"Niks," Victor said slowly, painfully, but Nikki ignored him, refused to meet his gaze, as she had each and every time the pair had encountered one another over the last 3 years.

"Nikki, please, you have to listen to me!" he protested. "Please!"

"Why?" she retorted, breaking her vow of silence after 3 long years. "Why should I listen to you now?"

"Because I need you to know I'm sorry, Niks!" Victor cried. "I need you to know that I don't want to do this, but I don't have a choice, OK? I don't have a choice!"

"You're sorry about what?" Nikki asked, suddenly panicked. "What is it you're about to do?"

But he never gave her an answer, verbally, at least. Because suddenly, without any warning, Victor sprang across the room and grabbed hold of Joycelin, attempting to prise her out of her mother's arms. Nikki screamed, clinging onto her daughter with all her might, but 3 years of starvation at the hands of her kidnappers had left her weak and unable to put up much in the way of a fight. It was a matter of seconds before Joycelin had been pulled out of her arms and Victor was dragging her across the floor towards the door, kicking and screaming in protest, all in vain.

"Josi!" Nikki screamed, suddenly terrified. She had always known that this day was coming, she had thought that she had accepted it just a little, but now it was actually happening suddenly all her mental preparation was useless. He was taking her baby aware from her, to a certain death, and there wasn't a thing she could do about it. She couldn't breathe- she could feel her chest tightening as the fear and guilt overwhelmed her- but some kind of maternal instinct seemed to kick in and she found the strength to scream and shout, determined to do everything in her power to delay the inevitable, clinging to the vague hope that maybe, just maybe, someone would find them just in time, come to their rescue.

"Don't you dare! Don't you bloody dare take her away from me!"

"I'm sorry, I have to!" Victor shouted angrily, slinging Joycelin over his shoulder as Nikki looked on in horror. "But I'll look after her for you for as long as I can, I promise!"

"Oh you will, will you?" Nikki screamed at him, knowing that hurling insults was probably not the best way of going about things, but not caring anymore. He was a bastard. God, she had always known he was a bastard, but she had never ever expected this.

"So you're going to look after her, are you? What, like you looked after Mum and me? Are you going to do what you did to us, look after her for a couple of months and then dump her, like you did to us? You always say you acted on impulse, that you're sorry, but if you were really sorry for hurting us before then you wouldn't be doing this now, would you?" She jumped to her feet now, rushing across the room and attempting to pull Joycelin off her father's shoulders, but Victor simply batted her away, slapping her clean across the cheek, right on the bruise Bai had left there the night before (or was it 2 nights ago?). Nikki cringed away, suddenly afraid. Her father had done a lot of things in the past to upset her, yes, but he had never become violent with her before. And she was supposed to trust him with her daughter?

"Don't bring your mother into this!" Victor snarled. "Why do you always do this Nikki, dragging up the same old chestnuts? This isn't my fault, OK! It's not my fault!"

"Oh really? So it's not your fault-"

"That's enough!" came a new voice angrily; a clipped, male, Vietnamese voice, and suddenly Nikki froze. She knew that voice. God, she would recognise that voice until the day she died.

Bai Lưu was entering the room now, plucking Joycelin out of Victor's arms and standing her on the floor, kneeling down to get at her level. Nikki ran at them in one last effort to grab her daughter, to protect her, but Victor saw her coming and seized her waist, pulling her across the room away and slamming her against the wall, ignoring her cries.

"You're not taking her!" Nikki screamed again, directing her anger at Bai this time.

"I won't let you take her! I'll… I'll come with you, I won't be any trouble I swear, I just… p-please don't make me l-l-leave her!" she sobbed, unable to contain her rush of emotions any longer. "P-please… I d-d-don't want to leave her!"

"I know you don't," Bai replied, almost smirking, seeming getting off on Nikki's distress and making her hate him even more. "I know you don't, but we can't always have what we want in life. I've given you 3 years with her, why can't you just be content with that? Why can't you accept that it's my turn with her now? This is the whole point of this, Nikki, this is why what happened between us did! Because I needed her! And now you're going to have to let her go!"

"Dad, please!" Nikki begged, turning back to her father now, hoping as his daughter she could somehow strike a nerve with him, make him change Bai's mind for her. "Daddy, please, don't let him take her!"

"I'm sorry," Victor said sadly. "I'm so sorry, but Niks, this is going to happen whether you like it or not. Now listen, either you can make this absolute hell for your daughter, or you can do the right thing by her and say goodbye properly, play it down. So which is it going to be?"

And as Nikki glanced across the room, seeing the terrified look on her daughter's face at seeing her mother so distressed, she realized that she had only one option. For once, her father was right; there was no way she could possibly fight this. But what she was doing now was completely unfair on Joycelin, it was distressing her, and that wasn't fair at all. She was going to have to let this happen for now, to hope and pray that the information she had would be enough to find Joycelin before it was too late. It was all she could do.

"Josi," she whispered, trying to fight back the tears as she pulled her trembling daughter into her arms, hugging her tightly, well aware that this could be the last time she held her. "Ek is lief vir jou," she told her softly, in between sobs which she could no longer even attempt to control. "I love you. Remember that."

"So jy sal my nie vergeet nie? So you won't forget me?"

Those words from her daughter stung worse than her father's slap, worse than all the pain Bai Lưu had ever put her through. "Oh Joycelin, how could I forget you?" Nikki sighed, stroking her daughter's hair. "I'll never forget you, never. How could I? Even if you forget me, malaika, I'll never forget you." Glancing around her for a moment, just to be sure Victor and Bai were no longer close enough to hear, she then leant down to whisper softly in her daughter's ear.

"I'm going to find you, Joycelin," she swore. "I don't know how, but I will, I promise. I'm going to find you, no matter how far away he takes you, and I'm going to take you home, and you'll never have worry about anything ever again, OK?"

But Joycelin still didn't look even slightly comforted, and quite frankly, Nikki could blame her. She thought frantically, suddenly remembering the night her own mother had died, the way Celin Alexander had managed to offer her 15 year old daughter a small amount of comfort. Her hands went to her neck and she unclipped her necklace, the dragonfly one which had once belonged to Celin Alexander, so many years ago, before leaning over to fasten it around Joycelin's neck.

"That's for you," Nikki said softly, pushing Joycelin away slightly and tucking the chain under her t shirt, before brushing away the tears rolling steadily down her cheeks.

"It'll keep you safe. And whenever you're missing me, whenever you're feeling alone, that's to remind you that you're not, OK? Because I'll be thinking of you. And I'm going to bring you home, I promise. Now be brave Joycelin, just for a while."

Nikki stood up now, taking her daughter's hand as she began to lead her towards Bai, unable to shake away that guilt, the feeling that she was almost certainly sending her to her death. And it was at that moment that Bai Lưu reached into his pocket, pausing for a moment, before pulling out a gun, a small, single shot pistol. And fired.

It all happened so quickly. One moment, Nikki was simply staring at the gun, terrified not for herself, but for her daughter, for what she was about to witness. And the next thing she knew, she was lying on the ground, her head pounding as it hit against the hard floor, an agonising pain in her abdomen and her heart shattered into a thousand pieces. She was vaguely aware of her daughter screaming, but she couldn't focus; the whole world seemed to be swimming, her focus becoming more and more blurred by the second. Her hand went to the wound on her stomach, but she withdrew it quickly as it made contact with a thick crimson liquid, trying to steady her breathing as the panic began to set in. Now Nikki could feel a pair of hands gripping her wrists dragging her from the room; she tried to catch one last glimpse of her daughter as she was taken away, to fix her face firmly in her mind. But the room had begun to spin now and she couldn't get her bearings, couldn't focus on anything but the excruciating pain in her abdomen.

Nikki was just beginning to black out when she was finally thrown back down onto the floor, a floor which, she was pleased to discover, was carpeted and somewhat more comfortable than the stone she had been used to for almost 3 years. She could feel a cool breeze against her skin now, and for a moment she allowed herself to get her hopes up, believing that maybe, just maybe, she was about to be dumped outside. She would be able to run- or stagger, as the case might be- for help, to have Joycelin rescued and brought back to her before it was too late.

But her hope was short-lived. A few moments later she felt a pressure on her legs- someone straddling her, holding her down, she realized, and Nikki screamed weakly, fast running out of energy and willpower to carry on. She couldn't tell who it was, and as her t shirt was raised above her stomach, for a moment she thought someone was helping her, about to clean the wound, stop the bleeding. But then she saw the glint of rusty silver out of the corner of her eye, closely followed by another, new bout of pain, cutting into the already existent wound. Nikki screamed again, petrified, as she was lifted off the floor once more, too weak to fight on any longer. She tried not to think about the pain as she heard a door opening, felt herself being dropped heavily down once more, into the boot of a car, her brain told her after some delay. He was taking her somewhere, he was going to dump her, like the other victims of his Phoenix Movement. Oh god, how was she going to tell someone where to go to rescue Josi if he dumped her in the middle of nowhere? How was she going to save her daughter if there was no one to help her?

She felt the vehicle stop a few minutes later, was vaguely aware of someone lifting her up, carrying her. She could smell salt in the air; she was at the seafront, a beach, maybe? Nikki struggled to open her eyes, waiting to be lowered onto the sand, but instead she was dropped, airborne for a few brief moments, before landing with a splash in what she could only assume was the sea. The moment the water covered her body the fresh wounds began to sting angrily, the pain made a thousand times worse thanks to the seawater which now surrounded her. Talk about adding salt to wounds.

Human instinct began to kick in then as Nikki heard the sound of the car engine starting, pulling away. She needed to get herself out of the sea, onto the sand, she needed to find some kind of civilisation, a beach house, a village, anything, anywhere she could get help, get the police to search the area, to find her daughter. And so, mustering up superhuman strength from god only knew where, Nikki staggered to her feet, managing to wade just out of the shallow water before she collapsed in a heap on the sand, unable to struggle on any longer. She couldn't quite summon up the strength to sit up so settled for simply opening her eyes, scanning her surroundings, trying desperately to find some kind of building, a sign of life. She let out a scream of agony, the pain in her stomach intensifying with each breath she took. She had lost her daughter; she had nothing to live for anymore. And so, with one last shuddering breath, Nikki Alexander curled up in a ball on the cold, wet sand, feeling well and truly as if she wanted to die.

**-6.21pm**

"Dad!" 12 year old Callum Lamprecht called frantically, rushing through the house in a frantic search for his parents, his father's blackberry held tightly in one hand. "Dad, you really need to look at this! Now!"

"Hmm?" Pieter Lamprecht looked up from the newspaper spread across the kitchen table. "What is it?"

"Dad, you've got an email," Callum explained.

Pieter sighed. "Cal, it's Friday evening; it's the end of the week, I'm tired, and if it's an email rather than a voicemail then it can wait until tomorrow."

But Sara frowned, looking up from the kitchen bench, where she was preparing dinner. "Callum, what is it?" she asked worriedly as she crossed the room to stand next to Pieter and Callum having taken in the look on her youngest son's face, the look which told her that something was horribly wrong. "What's happened? Did you read the email?"

Callum nodded. "I'm sorry, I know I shouldn't have. But… look!" He opened up the email again, holding it out for his parents to see, watching as his mother turned as white as a sheet. "Don't you see? It can't wait Dad, you have to do something! You have to do something now!"

Pieter scanned the email frantically, his heart in his throat. It was a picture, a photograph, with a caption written beneath it. A blurry photograph of a beach, the sea just beginning to come in thinly over the sand. And lying across the sand, the water lapping around her body, was a think blonde woman, her eyes seemingly closed, the water around her a startling shade of crimson. Nikki Alexander.

Seeing Sara begin to sway slightly next to him, Pieter reached out to wrap his arm around her shoulders, steadying her, before bracing himself to read the caption.

'Three Anchor Bay Beach, Lighthouse side, private area, 6.20pm. I keep the child.

Bai Lưu, Phoenix Movement'

"And this came through just now, you're sure?" Pieter asked his son frantically, who nodded, his eyes wide.

"Right," he said decisively, his police instincts kicking in. "Callum, your mom and I are going out, OK? You're in charge of dinner, try not to burn the house down, tell Zaretta she's in charge here until further notice and we'll call as soon as there's any news, OK? And Cal, under no circumstances do you tell anyone about this, you promise me? Your mom and I will phone Harry and the others when we've got something substantial to tell them. And call an ambulance! Call 10 177, tell them we need an ambulance down the private end of Three Anchor Bay Beach, as soon as physically possible. Tell them it's Nikki Alexander if you have to, that'll get their attention."

Callum just nodded, seemingly shell shocked.

"OK, let's go," Pieter said quickly, reaching to grab his car keys. "Sara? Sara, come on," he groaned, seeing the look of horror on his wife's face as she remained there, frozen to the spot. "Sara, please! You've been so strong these past few years, for Nikki, please, don't go and fail her now!"

Sara seemed to compose herself at his words and nodded shakily, running after Pieter out of the house, onto the drive.

"It's going to be chock-a-block on the roads, this time of the evening," she realized with a sickening feeling. "Listen, you take the car, I'll run down the beach, it's not far, that way one of us will get there as soon as possible, OK?"

"OK," Pieter agreed, throwing the car door open and jumping in. "And Sara?"

"Hmm?"

"Be careful. He might still be out there."

"I will," she promised, beginning to jog down the alleyway between the houses which led to the beach. "Now come on, we need to get to Niks. We need to get down there now!"


	37. Discovery

**Chapter 36 :) sorry for leaving you at that point last time, and sorry to everyone who was reduced to tears! It's all going to be OK in the end, honest! Thank you so much Thyqua, GemS, Lizzi, Em and Amy for your reviews, please keep them coming and I'll love you all forever :) And anyone else, your feedback would be great too :)**

**Love Flossie xxx**

**Chapter 36**

**Discovery**

**Friday 8****th**** August 2014**

**-5.57pm**

Lan Phom glanced nervously around her as she slipped into the attic, checking the room to be sure that everyone was present before shutting the hatch door behind her. Bai Lưu had left the house with Nikki, saying that he was going to dump her somewhere then come back for her daughter, and the whole group of them would leave for the airport together. And that meant that the small group of remaining Phoenix group members had a few minutes to talk alone, without Bai Lưu listening in. Lan had been getting the impression more and more recently that other members of the Phoenix Movement were unhappy with Bai's proposed plan, as she was, and wanted to take the opportunity to talk to them, to come up with a strategy to avoid putting Nikki's daughter in too much danger, if that were even possible.

"We need to talk," Lan began, addressing the whole room as she spoke. It wasn't much of a Phoenix 'Movement', more of a motley crew of friends, who had been swept along with one person's crazy idea in the midst of heartbreak and destruction and gone along with it ever since, too afraid of what would happen to them if they didn't. But if they were all in on this together, if it was all of the remaining Phoenix Group members –plus Victor Alexander- against Bai and the other group leader, then perhaps they might stand a chance.

"We all know what's going to happen next," she continued, taking in the looks of guilt on each and every person's face. "We've all known it for a long time. We've all been dreading it, we've all felt guilty, ashamed, evil, even, but we've done nothing about it. We've been too afraid of what will happen to us if we tried to stop it; we've all seen other members murdered horribly for trying to stand up for what they believed in, to fight against the system. The shopping centre shooting in London in 2011, the Cape Town murders later in the year, not mentioning all the children who we sacrificed along the way, all the children we helped dispose of because we were told to! It was bad enough that we helped to take children who were left orphaned in one of the most repressive countries in the world, taking them to their deaths, but now, now we're going to help escort a child with a mother, a family, to the same fate. Don't you think Nikki Alexander's been put through enough, without us indirectly killing her daughter? Don't you think the least we can do is try to protect Joycelin, do something to ensure she doesn't die out there, that we can smuggle her back into Africa in a few years' time, back to her mother? We owe the both of them that much, don't you think?

"I know it can't be easy, even contemplating fighting against him, but the Phoenix Movement is evil, don't you understand? This isn't what we signed up for, all those years ago! We signed up to protest against the reunification of Vietnam after the war, and yet now we're going along with a crazy plan proposed by a mentally unstable Korean defector! It's not fair, not on Nikki, not on her daughter, not on her family, and it's not fair on us either. So that's why we need to do something, to stop anyone else's family being ripped apart. I propose we start our own society, a group within the Phoenix Movement, undercover, secret, and once we arrive back at the Phoenix base we make it our first priority to protect Nikki's daughter, to come up with a way of ending the Phoenix Movement, once and for all." She reached into her pocket now, pulling out a thin gold chain, a gold dragonfly pendant hanging from it. She had taken it from Joycelin- Celin, as Victor called her- the moment Bai had left with her mother, knowing that if Bai saw it he would take it away, destroy it simply for being a connection to her mother. And so Lan had taken it upon herself to look after it for the time being, just until she could end this nightmare and take Joycelin home to her family. Just for a while.

"We'll call it the con Chuồn Chuồn Society," Lan decided, turning the necklace over in her hands. "The dragonfly society. We'll talk more when we get out to the Phoenix Base, come up with a plan, but until then, we tell no one, OK? We tell no one, and one day, one day soon, we'll be rid of all this for good."

**-6.33pm**

Sara Laurence sprinted down the beach as the wide African sun began to disappear into the horizon, ignoring the cold, the dark, the fear, the sand sticking to her feet and sandals as she ran. Her own discomfort didn't matter, not now, she knew it was nothing compared to the pain Nikki would be in now. If she was even still alive. Oh god, what if she was…

'No Sara, you can't think like that, don't be stupid," she scolded herself firmly, focusing her energy instead on searching the stretch of beach ahead of her, scanning the tide to her right for Nikki. She couldn't see her. What if they were too late, what if the tide had come in faster than they had anticipated, washing her friend off the shore; Nikki could be a good way out of the Bay by now. Or the sharks… South African beaches were renowned for sharks, and judging by the grainy photo Pieter had been sent by Bai Lưu, Nikki had been bleeding heavily; she would be a shark magnet for certain… although the beach did have shark nets they were only designed to keep stray sharks out, it was possible for them to still find a way through, and if they smelled the blood then they would almost certainly discover a route up to the beach…

"Nikki!" Sara screamed as loudly as she could, running on past the lighthouse which marked the end of the public section of the beach, as instructed on the email. She was now met with a tall wire fence and began to climb it without a second thought, feeling like a rebellious teenager all over again.

"Nikki!" she called again, throwing herself off the other side of the fence and clambering to her feet, scanning the new stretch of beach in front of her. At first, she saw nothing, but then her eyes settled on something: a small, still figure a little further down the beach.

Filled with a new sense of urgency, Sara broke into a run once more, sprinting down the beach towards the body, her heart in her mouth. It was Nikki, she realized as she got closer, there was no doubting about it. It was Nikki. They'd found her. It should be a relief, she should be happy, but she couldn't let herself relax, not until she knew she was still clinging on, still alive, still breathing.`

"Nikki!" Sara called, collapsing down onto the sand beside her friend, paralysed for a moment as she took in her injures. Nikki lay awkwardly across the sand, her body twisted awkwardly and her limbs caught at odd angles. She was still fully clothed, Sara realized with a slight sense of relief, though her soaking jeans and thin t shirt were hanging off her frame; she was painfully thin, that much was clear. Her hair was much longer than Sara remembered it, splitting at the ends, and her eyes were closed, though her face was deeply agitated, so much so that Sara couldn't tell whether she was conscious or asleep or… Her face and arms were littered with bruises and cuts, her pale skin a mess of violet, yellow and crimson. And then there was the deep crimson stain soaking through her t shirt from her abdomen… she was a mess, there was no denying that. Bai Lưu had inflicted 3 years' worth of torture on her and then dumped her cruelly on a deserted beach. But Sara could see her chest rising and falling slightly; she was breathing, she was still breathing in spite of all the horrors she had clearly been put through. And all the time Nikki was still breathing, hope remained.

"Nikki?" Sara asked again softly, the doctor in her taking over as she peeled her friend's sodden t shirt away from her stomach, wincing as she took in the damage. It was a gunshot wound, she was sure of that, but then there was what appeared to be a cut below it, a long horizontal line running between her hips which reminded Sara of something, she just couldn't think what. But that wasn't important now, she decided pulling off her jumper and pressing it to the wounds, both wincing and letting out a sigh of relief simultaneously as Nikki jumped, feeling guilty that she was hurting her but relieved that she was still breathing, that she hadn't given up.

"Nikki, can you hear me?"

This time her friend opened her eyes slowly, her face a mask of fear as she realized she was no longer alone, each breath shorter and shallower than the last. She was panicking, Sara could tell that much; whether she recognised her or not, she was afraid and she was panicking. She was in such a state that even the presence of her friend was sending her into a panic.

"It's alright, Nikki, it's alright, you're safe now," she tried, knowing what to do in terms of her friend's physical injuries but lost as it how to help her emotionally. "It's alright, it's me, it's Sara, remember? I'm not going hurt you Niks, you're safe now. You're safe now," she repeated gently as she tried to reposition Nikki's legs, moving her into a slightly more comfortable position. "Come on, just breathe," Sara tried again, worried her friend was about to work herself into hysterics. "I know it hurts, I know, but you've just got to hang on a bit longer and then we'll get you to hospital, it's going to be alright, I promise."

"No it's… not." Nikki's response was so faint that Sara had to strain to hear it.

"It is, Niks, I promise. I'm sorry," she sighed, pressing down harder on the wound and wincing as her friend cried out in pain. "I'm sorry, but I have to do this, we need to stop you bleeding."

But Nikki was shaking her head, her eyes beginning to close. "No, it…doesn't matter… anymore."

"Nikki no, you're not giving up now!" Sara insisted, finding Nikki's hand and squeezing it tightly, trying to convey to her that she wasn't alone, that it was all going to be OK.

Though still Nikki shook her head, tears beginning to roll down her cheeks now, mixing with the blood and saltwater. "I lost her, Sara," she whispered simply, the agony evident in her voice. "I lost her."

"And we'll do our best to find her," Sara promised, knowing instantly who Nikki was talking about, her heart sinking even further. "But Nikki, I'm not losing you too! I need you to stay awake for me just for a bit longer; if you give up now, then when we find Josi she's going to be without a mother, isn't she? You need to hold on for her, if nothing else."

"But it'll be… to late… now," Nikki managed; Sara could see she was wearing herself out. "He's going… to take her…"

"Where?" Sara asked frantically, now hearing sirens faintly in the distance and knowing it was only a matter of time before the ambulance arrived; any information Nikki had, she needed to get out of her now. "Where's he taking Josi?"

But she knew the answer before Nikki had even opened her mouth. How could they have been so blind, all of them? How could they have worked on the Phoenix case for months and not made the connection, not realized the motive behind Nikki and Joycelin's abduction? How could they have been so stupid?"

"N-north Korea. He wants to… take her to China and… and then…"

"Like the other children we found," Sara realized, trying to find a slightly more sensitive way of phrasing things. But Joycelin was still so young, still a baby, how on earth…"OK. OK, listen, Pieter's on his way down, I'll get him to contact the airport, halt all flights going out to the Far East or something. He can't have gone far yet Niks, we'll find them. We'll find them."

It all happened relatively quickly after that. Within minutes, the paramedic team arrived, lifting Nikki onto a stretcher, carried her up the beach back to the ambulance. Sara went with her to the hospital, phoning Pieter on the way to explain what was happening, to recount what Nikki had told her. She grasped her friend's hand tightly as she near crashed a handful of times, tried to ignore the paramedics when they told her it was a wonder Nikki had survived this long without any proper medical attention, telling them that Nikki was nothing if not stubborn and wasn't going to give up easily. She tried to push her friend's behaviour when she had first found her to the back of her mind, tried to tell herself that she had been imagining things when she had thought that Nikki had sounded like she had given up, almost like she _wanted _to die. She was being stupid, that was all. Nikki's emotions were bound to be a mess at the moment, giving everything she must have been put through during her disappearance; it didn't mean she was necessarily suicidal, it just meant… No, Sara decided, she didn't want to think about that right now. She needed to focus on Nikki as she was at that moment, on holding her together until she could get seen to properly in a hospital. She didn't allow herself to think about her friend's injuries; although she was a doctor, a pathologist, and surely should be used to this kind of thing by now, it was a completely different experience when the person whose life was potentially in danger was someone you knew, someone you cared about. Sara had thought that 3 years would have been enough time to prepare herself for all the possibilities, all the states she might find Nikki in if she ever saw her again, but now she was beginning to realize that no amount of time could possibly prepare a person for something like that. Nothing could have taken away the sense of hopelessness she felt now, Sara was sure of it. The only thing that ever could take it away would be to know for certain that Nikki was going to survive, was going to be able to recover emotionally as well as physically.

"Se… Ss… Sar…"

It took Sara a moment to realize that Nikki was trying to say her name; her voice was muffled by the oxygen mask the paramedics had placed over her mouth, the sound of it weak, harsh and pain-filled.

"Nikki, I'm here," Sara assured her, squeezing Nikki's hand a little tighter as she tried to convince her she wasn't alone. "I'm not going anywhere, I promise. We're almost there now, almost at the hospital."

Nikki nodded slightly, her eyes beginning to flutter.

"Sar… Se… I… Ha... Harr…"

"Harry?" Sara guessed, knowing it was only going to be a matter of time before Nikki began to ask about Harry. "Harry's in London, Niks, but I'll phone him as soon as we get to the hospital, OK? I'll phone him, and you can bet he'll be on the first flight down here to see you, hey? And I'm not going to leave you until he's here, you're not going to be by yourself, not for a moment."

But Nikki was shaking her head now; clearly her question hadn't quite been answered.

"No, d-d… has… Harr…" Sara couldn't understand what she was trying to say anymore, and it was clear that Nikki was exhausted.

"Nikki shh, everything's fine," she told her gently; only now did it begin to dawn on her just how overwhelming this must all be for her friend. "Harry's fine, everyone's fine, and you're going to be fine, OK? I've told Pieter what you said about Bai…" she stopped as Nikki's whole body began to shake, realizing it was all her fault that she was starting to panic again. "Oh Nikki, I'm sorry, shh, it's alright, he's not here anymore darling, you're safe…"

"But… he's st-still got…"she was panicking now, her breathing becoming fast and erratic,

"He's still got Josi, I know," Sara sighed, reaching over to stroke Nikki's hair in a desperate attempt to calm her down, aware of her friend's rising heart rate and the death glare the paramedics were now giving her. "But the police are checking the airports; they're checking all flights heading out to East Asia. If he tries to get her out of the country then we'll know Niks, OK? We'll know and we'll find her. Now, you need to relax Nikki, you need to calm down and breathe, we'll get you into hospital and get you better. And I know it's horrible, I can't even imagine how painful it must be to be separated from your child like this, but you can't compromise your own health out of worry. You've got to hang on Nikki, please!" Sara begged her as her heart rate began to flat line once more. "You've got to hang on."


	38. News

**I'm sorry, this was going to be up yesterday, but things have been kind of crazy here. Blame the rioting in London, not nice :( I haven't had an awful lot of time to write as I've been helping my mom and step dad clearing up, but hopefully I should have more time tomorrow. I'm going to visit a friend for a week and a bit leaving this weekend so I won't be able to update during that time- I'm sorry, I should have warned you sooner but it's all been a bit last minute, first I was going, then I wasn't, then I was again, you get the picture. So I will try and get as many chapters as possible finished before the weekend so I can leave you with something to read while I'm away, hopefully a minimum of 5 :) Sorry again :(**

**Thank you to Amy, Lizzi, Em, gemS, Izzy and Thyqua for your reviews, please keep them coming, you guys are keeping me sane at the moment! **

**Love Flossie xxx**

**Chapter 37**

**News**

**Friday 8****th**** August 2014**

**-6.30pm UK time**

**Safari Count: 1 elephant, 1 giraffe, 1 lion, 1 buffalo, 1 zebra, 1 rhino, 1 cheetah**

Harry Cunningham sighed and curled up alone on Nikki's sofa, her flat filled with the distinct aroma of Chinese takeaway and her Sense and Sensibility DVD playing on the television. It was Friday night, and before Nikki had been taken, each and every Friday night had been spent in her company, either at her flat or his, sharing a takeaway and watching a DVD on the sofa together. For almost 7 years Friday night had been their movie night starting off as a way of getting to know each other, and it had become something of a habit, a tradition, one which Harry had never quite managed to break even after Nikki was taken. Although he would never admit it to Nikki, somewhere along the line their Friday night snuggle on the sofa had become what kept him going through the week during a particularly tough case, and now she was gone he had lost that. But still Harry couldn't bear to break the pattern. And so every Friday night since Harry had been forced to return to London without Nikki and Joycelin, he had gone round to Nikki's collected her post, sorted out her bills, hovered, dusted, done anything else which needed to be done, and then settled down on Nikki's living room sofa with a takeaway and a DVD, more often than not hugging one of the cushions to him, taking comfort in the fact that no matter how often he did it, no matter how many weeks, months, years passed, it would still smell of her.

His taste in movie had changed drastically too, in the almost 3 years Nikki had been away. Before, when Harry had actually had someone to share his Friday movie night with, he and Nikki had always ended up having a well-humoured fight over which movie to watch. Harry, as a male, preferred action movies, or at least films in which something _actually happened_, whereas Nikki would sooner watch a Jane Austen adaptation than one of his so-called 'nasty war films'. Harry had known that his best friend's favourite movie was Sense and Sensibility, though he had never allowed her to put it on during their movie nights, telling her that he had been forced to read Pride and Prejudice during his GCSE English, and that had been enough Jane Austen to last him a lifetime. Harry had sworn never to watch any of her period romance dramas, but since Nikki had disappeared he must have watched this particular one a thousand times. Not so much because it wasn't as bad as he had imagined it would be- though it wasn't- more because somehow it made him feel closer to her, helped him understand her a little better. He suspected it had always been her favourite because it told the story of someone coming from less than ideal circumstances finding happiness and love, that after everything she had been through in her life she might still have a hope of being happy, having a family. She had him and Joycelin now though; she had her happy 'Sense and Sensibility' style ending now, he hoped. Or at least, she would have, if only their lives together hadn't been torn swiftly apart. Every now and then he would still reach out for her, to wrap his arms around her and pull her in for a hug, only to remember a moment later that she wasn't there, as cheesy and cliché-ish as it sounded. Harry wasn't sure he would ever get used to life without her, even if he lived to the ripe old age of 100.

He was distracted from his thoughts and the movie he was only half watching by the sound of his mobile ringing and hauled himself off the sofa wearily. One quiet night in a week, that was all he asked for. He wasn't even on call this evening; the whole point of Friday being his and Nikki's movie night stemmed from the fact that neither of them were on call that night. IE, no interruptions necessary.

Sighing, Harry pulled his mobile from his pocket, checking the caller ID. Sara Laurence. Deciding that he wouldn't mind speaking to Sara, Harry muted Sense and Sensibility and accepted the call.

"Hi Sara," he greeted her, doing his best to sound cheerful despite his low mood. "How's your week been?"

"Not bad, until today," Sara sighed. There was something in her voice which Harry couldn't quite place; fear maybe, though not that straight forward. What was it?

"Listen Harry," Sara continued, her voice beginning to shake a little, her accent becoming more prominent. "I've got something to tell you, but you need to keep calm, OK? Just keep calm, and you might want to sit down first."

"OK," Harry said slowly as he sat back down on Nikki's sofa, suddenly with a horrible feeling that he knew exactly where this was going. "What's happened?"

"It's Nikki," Sara explained in a rush, as if unable to contain it all any longer. "It's Nikki; we've found her."

"You've found her!" Suddenly Harry was filled with the greatest sense of relief he could ever recall experiencing in his life. They had found her, at last, she was safe, she was away from that horrible man once and for all, she was coming back to him... "Oh, thank god!"

"No, Harry! Harry please, don't, it's not quite like that!" Sara near shouted, and suddenly Harry was pulled back down to earth with a thud. He could tell by Sara's tone that something was wrong, badly wrong, but she wasn't… she couldn't…

"Sara, what's happened?" he whispered, suddenly terrified once more.

"It's a long story," Sara sighed, and Harry was almost certain she could hear her sobbing softly in between words. "In brief, Pieter and I found her abandoned on the beach just up the road from our house, about 2 hours ago now. She's still alive, she's not… but only just, she's got some horrific injuries Harry, just horrific and…" she was crying properly now; something which told Harry that Nikki was in a bad, bad way. In all the time he had known Sara she had been tough, she had been the rock holding everyone else together. And if she was breaking down in tears…

"They've taken her through to surgery, Harry, to try and stabilize her, but they said there's a chance that… that she's not going to make it out of theatre, that even if she does then she could still… she could… and we don't know what her mental state's going to be like, the psychologist who came down to speak to me just after she got taken into theatre said that she might never be Nikki as we know her again, that she might... And he's taken Josi, Bai Lưu, he's run off with her, I haven't been able to get much out of Nikki yet but she seems to think he's going to try and get her out of the country…" she stopped again, distraught, sobbing into the phone.

"We've been such idiots, Harry. We've spent 3 years wondering why he took them, what the hell was happening, and the answer was right under our noses the whole bloody time!"

"What?" Harry asked, confused. "You've lost me, Sara."

"The Phoenix children Harry, remember? The leader of the Phoenix Movement, the defector, or whatever they call him, Lan Phom said he came up with some crazy plan to fight for democracy using children, except none of them ever succeeded. That's why he wants Josi! He wants to use Josi like some kind of freedom fighter, thinking that because she's so young no one will suspect her! It's insane Harry, it's just crazy, but then I think these people are crazy. But that's not important, what's important is the fact that he's going to try to get Joycelin out to China or wherever, to send her to her death!"

"Oh god," Harry whispered, too shocked to manage more than that in response. Sara was right, the answer had been under their noses the whole time, they had just been too blind to see it. It was a suicide mission, they knew that from everything they already knew about the Phoenix Movement, all the child victims they had already examined a lifetime ago, back in 2011, before all this. Oh god, what had they done?

"Harry, can you come out here? She needs you Harry, I think she was asking for you in the ambulance but she was so weak I couldn't be sure what she was saying, she's going to need you when she gets out of theatre, _if_ she gets out… oh god…"

He wanted to scream. He wanted to scream and shout and curse at the world, to hunt Bai Lưu down and rescue his daughter, to rip him to shreds and make him pay for hurting Nikki, his Nikki, but he knew he couldn't. Sara would probably have a nervous breakdown if she had to deal with one of his temper tantrums, for a start. And if there was one thing Harry had learned from the past 3 years, it was that there were some things which kicking and screaming simply couldn't fix. This was one of them, he knew that much. And he was going to have to hold himself together for a while, as hard as it was going to be.

"OK," he said shakily. "OK. Right, I'm going to shove some stuff in a bag, head down to Heathrow, and I'll get the next flight I can out to Cape Town. If… when Nikki comes out of surgery, tell her I'm on my way. Tell her I love her, and I'll be with her as soon as I possibly can. Is she in the same hospital as last time?"

"Yes." Sara replied simply. Harry had the feeling she didn't have the strength to say anything else.

"OK, I'll get a taxi when I land. Have you phoned Martha yet?"

"No, not yet, she's next on my list."

"OK. Right, you phone Martha, I'll phone Leo and Janet, that way I can tell Leo I'm not going to be in work for a while; he'll have to pull out some of my holiday leave. He and Janet might want to come over with the boys, I'm not sure."

"That might not be what Nikki needs right now, to be surrounded by other people's children," Sara said warningly. "You didn't see her Harry, she's in such a state over Joycelin, I'm worried…" she paused, preparing to voice her worst fear. "I'm almost afraid she's slightly suicidal."

"OK," Harry managed, trying to wipe what Sara had just told him from his head, but knowing all too well that he wasn't going to be able to forget it the entire flight to Cape Town. "OK, I'll tell Leo that. Right, I'm going to get going, I'll see you as soon as I can, OK? As soon as I can be there, I will be."


	39. Catch up

**You have no idea how horrible this chapter was to write :( But it's all going to start to get better soon, I promise! Thanks to Amy, gemS, Emma, Izzy and Thyqua for your reviews, love you all :) There should be another chapter of There you'll be up later for anyone who's reading that too. **

**I'm going to visit a friend up north on Saturday to get away from the joys of rioting and shop looting in London atm, so I'm trying to get as many chapters as possible finished for you now to tide you over until I come back. I've got a bit behind on my writing because I've been helping my mom and step dad clean up their shop, but I'm at home today so I'm doing my best to catch up! I have 3 chapters finished so far and I'm hoping to get another 2 at least done this afternoon, so I'll either put those up on Friday night or Saturday morning, depending on when my friend's family pick me up. Sorry about that guys, I know I've been away a lot this year!**

**And so this chapter is for Celin (bff Celin, not Nikki's mother Celin!) and her family for inviting me to stay with them at such short notice! :)**

**Love Flossie xxx**

**Chapter 38**

**Catch Up**

**Friday 8****th**** August 2014**

**Cape Town Airport**

**-7.12pm Cape Town Time**

"What do you mean, you can't do it?" DCI Pieter Lamprecht asked angrily. "Can't, or won't? You just don't want to do it, because you think it's going to cause too much hassle, cost too much money! You don't care about why we need to do this at all, do you? Bai Lưu and the Phoenix Movement are planning on smuggling a 3 year old child out of the country tonight to use her as a foot solider in a bloody suicide mission, a 3 year old child who isn't even his after holding her mother hostage for 3 years and almost killing her, not to mention all the other crimes he's committed, and you won't even postpone flights out of here to the Far East to make double sure Joycelin Alexander isn't being smuggled onto them!"

"And you're being bloody unreasonable!" his senior retorted, the look on his face showing that he had no intention of backing down. "I know this is difficult for you Pieter, to say the very least, I know how close you are to the family, but all the evidence we've collected over the last 3 years has suggested that the Phoenix Movement is a small band of rebels dating back to the end of Vietnam War; they're not exactly going to be up to much, are they? Dr Alexander is probably confused, deluded, after everything she's been put through, there's no way anyone would think that such an absurd plan would work."

"But we have evidence that Bai Lưu has already done the same thing to other children, that he's mentally unstable and hardly fit to look after a child, let alone one he's kidnapped!"

"And do you know how many cases of kidnapped children there are in South Africa at the moment? We have to prioritize, Pieter, we simply haven't got the time, the money or the resources to put the flight groundings you're proposing into action; I can contact Cape Town International and get them to conduct more detailed passport checks on children on their China flights, but I can't do that for each and every passenger and I almost certainly can't do that for flights going out to all East Asian countries!"

"Why not?" Pieter demanded. "After everything that's happened, all the torture this family have been put through at the hands of Bai Lưu, why shouldn't we do everything possible to stop him getting away with Nikki's daughter? What is it about this case that doesn't make it top priority?"

The senior police officer sighed, the look in his eyes telling Pieter that he really, really wasn't going to like what he had to say next. "There's a bit of a loophole in the law," he explained, sighing once more. "A grey area, in both South African and UK law, which means that however we look at this, whichever country we say all this started in, we simply can't make this case a priority; we'd be prosecuted if we tried."

Pieter simply glared at him, unable to understand. "And what's that?"

"Up until today, Bai Lưu was holding Nikki Alexander hostage alongside Joycelin. Nikki might be the mother of his baby but she's not his wife; there's no legal bonding between them. The UK have forensic evidence that he raped her in January 2011 leading to Joycelin's birth, so even though Bai Lưu hasn't yet been tried in a court of law, we could prioritize finding Nikki on the basis that Bai Lưu was a great danger to her, yes? The trouble is, he's not holding Nikki anymore."

"But he's still got Joycelin-"

"And that's where the loophole in the law comes in, I'm afraid. We can't prioritize finding Joycelin Alexander whilst there are so many other missing people, known to be kidnapped, in South Africa. We can't prioritize it now it's only Joycelin with him because… because according to the law, she's in parental custody."

And suddenly, Pieter felt rather sick. "Parental custody? You call her being held captive by that bastard 'parental custody?'"

"As I said, it's a grey area of the law. The trouble is, just because there's evidence of Bai Lưu raping Nikki Alexander, that doesn't mean that Bai automatically loses paternal rights. As he hasn't committed any offences against children that we know of, in the eyes of the law he's still her father and has a right to look after her, to see her, which makes the case low priority. Were solid evidence to come to light proving that Joycelin was being abused in any way then that would change things, but as it stands…"

"You can't do anything!" Pieter finished for him, barely able to contain his anger. "And so if and when Nikki wakes up, I'm going to have to tell her that we haven't found her daughter, but we're not going to try too hard because she's in 'parental custody'? How well do you think that's going to go down?"

The senior police officer sighed again. "I'm sorry, Pieter," he said firmly. "But there's nothing more I can do."

**Saturday 9****th**** August 2014**

**-9.49am**

Harry Cunningham practically threw himself out of the taxi van and up the hospital steps, dragging his suitcase behind him. The 11 hour flight out to Cape Town had been absolute hell; he simply hadn't been able to stop worrying, no matter how hard he had tried. After finishing speaking to Sara, Harry had frantically thrown some clothes into a suitcase for Nikki and Joycelin, running around the flat adding in various other things Nikki might need before locking up and heading to his own apartment, piling in some of his own clothing on top and grabbing his passport, then heading to the airport. After much begging and wailing, Harry had been given a ticket on the next available flight out to Cape Town, at which point he had phoned Leo and explained in brief what had happened, recalling what he had been told by Sara and promising to call once he arrived in Cape Town and knew more, so Leo and Janet could decide whether or not come out to South Africa themselves. The more he thought about it the more Harry realized that Sara was right; seeing someone else's young children was only going to make Nikki feel a thousand times worse, and so perhaps he would have to mention to Leo and Janet that he didn't think bringing Jasper and Jacob was going to be the best idea. It would be parading to her everything which she had lost, everything which she might now be forced to learn to live without, and he couldn't do that to her, not yet, not after everything Nikki must have already been through. He just hoped Leo and Janet wouldn't take offence.

Harry had no idea how he had managed to keep himself from screaming in frustration during the flight, a flight which had always seemed long but this time around felt simply endless. It had been a thousand times worse than any of the trips he had made over to Cape Town to look for Nikki and Joycelin in the past; then it had been painful for Harry because he didn't know where they were, how they were; it was the fear of the unknown more than anything else. He had always thought that knowing Nikki was safe would make the flight over to see her much, much easier even if he also knew that she wasn't well, just to have the knowledge that she was back where she belonged, that she was going to be OK. But when it actually came down to it, Harry found that the opposite was true. When he had spoken to Sara on the phone back in London she hadn't given any solid information, partly, Harry knew, because she simply didn't know how good or bad the situation was. But he also suspected that she hadn't wanted to tell him everything she knew because it was too horrible to discuss over the phone. He didn't blame her, not in the slightest, but it had left him unable to relax even slightly on the flight over, constantly on edge. He hadn't even phoned when he did land back in Cape Town, to see how Nikki was. It had been almost 13 hours since he had last heard from Sara, but Harry hadn't been able to make himself call for an update, preferring to get a face-to-face update when he arrived at the hospital. If the news was bad then they could all cry together; to break down over the phone in a taxi would just be unbearable.

And so as Harry raced into the reception area of the hospital, making his way over to the café, he still hadn't a clue as to how Nikki was doing, whether Joycelin had been found- nothing. He had texted Sara upon landing at the airport, asking her where he should meet her, and they had agreed that the ground floor café would be best. He scanned the area for a moment, before catching sight of her sat at a small plastic table in the far corner of the café and hurrying over. The pair of them looked at each other for a moment, trying to gage each other's expressions, before embracing tightly, emotionally, no words needed, simply taking comfort in each other's presence.

"How was your flight?" Sara asked at last, pulling away slightly.

"Long," replied Harry, wanting to get straight to the point, unable to cope with the tension and anticipation any longer. "How is she, Sara? She's not…"

"She's not, no, she's still hanging on," Sara assured him, and Harry relaxed just a little, bending to pick up his suitcase and following Sara out of the café, through the reception area of the hospital and into the list.

"So what have I missed?"

"Not as much as you might think," Sara told him. "She was in surgery for almost 7 hours-"

"7 hours?" Harry repeated disbelievingly, now even more afraid than before. What kind of state must Nikki have been in if she'd needed 7 hours' worth of surgery?

"7 hours," Sara confirmed weakly. "I think they lost the first hour trying to work out where to start." Harry wasn't entirely sure whether she was being serious or attempting to lighten the mood.

"But she's OK now?" he asked frantically. "She's OK now, she's going to get better? What ward do they have her on?" He was reading the ward signs they passed along the way, but couldn't see any of the sorts of places he might expect Nikki to have been taken to.

"She's in intensive care," Sara sighed. "She's in such a state that they've got her in intensive care; she hasn't woken up yet. Martha's up there with her now. I warn you Harry…" she off, and Harry could have sworn that her eyes were swimming with tears. "I warn you, she's in a real mess, it's almost scary seeing her like this. She still looks like Niks, but… she doesn't, somehow. She looks so fragile."

"Sara, what's wrong with her?" he pleaded. "What happened, how did… how did you find her?"

"He sent Pieter an email yesterday evening," Sara explained. "A photograph… of… of Niks, dumped on the beach just up the road from our house. We got down there a few minutes later, thank god, got her into hospital, but she almost… she crashed a few times, they said it was a miracle she'd managed to hold on for so long… anyway, what's wrong with her, I haven't told you what's wrong with her. He shot her in the stomach, that was the worst of it physically; the bullet missed the actual stomach, thank god, but she had a hole in her intestine and severe internal bleeding in and around her appendix. That should all be fine now; the surgeons have repaired the damage to her intestine and removed her appendix completely, all the bleeding's stopped, they're not sure how easy she's going to find keeping anything down over the first week or so but that should all sort itself out given time.

"Then she's got a couple of broken ribs where we think she was dropped on a hard floor, they caused some internal bleeding as well but that's all been sorted. But… several of her ribs are slightly cracked, though we think that it's all old injuries still in the process of healing…"

"You mean he's most likely been abusing her throughout the three years he's been holding her?" Harry asked, fighting to control his anger. He had suspected that already of course, they all had, but to hear that it was almost certainly what had happened was something else entirely. He wanted to kill Bai Lưu, he wanted to make him pay for hurting Nikki, and yet he knew he couldn't, that he was going to have to control himself. He would be no good to Nikki locked up for assault.

Sara sighed again, hopelessly. "I'm sorry Harry, but in essence, yes. It's not just that, she's covered in bruises, poor thing, most of them are far too advanced to have been inflicted yesterday alone. And then…" she was crying properly now, wiping furiously at the tears as she led Harry along the corridor leading to Intensive Care.

"The bastard, he's… you remember she had to have Josi by c section, then have a hysterectomy straight after because she was bleeding out?"

Harry just nodded mutely, not entirely sure where this was going.

"He must have done it right before he dumped her, but he's… he's cut open her scar from the hysterectomy. That's now infected, as is the gunshot wound, because he couldn't just dump her on the beach, he had to go and throw her in the bloody sea." Sara stopped now, outside the door leading to Intensive Care. "We'll finish off out here, Martha doesn't need to hear all this again. I won't give you all the evidence, you don't need to know, but basically there's evidence that she's been raped more than once over the past month. I know, Harry, I'm sorry," she said gently, clearly having picked up on Harry's distress. "I'm sorry, I know it's horrible, but I had to tell you."

"I know, I'm glad you did, I needed to know," Harry sighed, trying to push his own emotions aside and focus on Nikki, knowing that she was going to need him more than ever when she woke up. If she woke up.

"God, it's a wonder she managed to… she…" He couldn't bring himself to say it.

"She's Nikki, she's a fighter," Sara reminded him. "If anyone can pull through this, it's her. Now, you can go in and see her if you want, they are allowing visitors, but I warn you, she's clearly been starved, she's lost a horrific amount of weight, and what with all the other injuries she does look a bit scary. If you want to leave it for a bit, let it all sink in…"

Harry shook his head firmly. "No, I… I need to see her," he decided, before realizing that Sara still hadn't told him about the other member of his family.

"And Josi? What about Josi, they… they haven't found her, have they?" he realized, his heart sinking.

"No, they haven't, not yet," Sara told him, the pain evident in her voice. "Pieter's out there searching now; Nikki seems to think that Bai Lưu's going to try and get her out to China as soon as possible. He's still at the airport, I haven't heard anything from him since yesterday night, but I think he's going to drop in later, update us. There's nothing you can do for her now, Harry," she told him gently. "There's nothing you can do for Josi, but you can hold her mother together, give her a family to come home to. Focus on that."

She was right, Harry knew she was right. As much as he wanted to rip the whole of Cape Town apart, to ground every single flight leaving the country until her found his daughter, he knew that it wasn't an option. Pieter and the rest of his police team were the best people to be leading the search, he knew that, and were he to involve himself at this stage he was just going to hinder the whole process. No, as painful as it was, he couldn't get involved. But Nikki; Nikki was going to need him now more than ever, judging by what Sara had said. How she had even managed to make it to the hospital after everything she had been put through, after all the pain inflicted on her, Harry didn't know; he had always known that she had a ridiculously high pain threshold, though this seemed to be a new record, even for Nikki. He knew it was a possibility that she might never be the same again, never quite the Nikki he remembered thanks to everything she'd been put through, even if Joycelin was found, but that was OK. She would still be his Nikki, and he would still love her unconditionally, no matter what. And right now, he needed her.

Harry pushed open the door into intensive care nervously, part of him not wanting to step into the room but knowing at the same time that he had to. The doctors' reasons for having her in intensive care were that they wanted to keep a close eye on her when she woke up mentally rather than because her life was in danger; something which reassured Harry somewhat that she was stable, that she wasn't going to slip away from him. He scanned the ward quickly, spotting Martha sat beside a bed in the far left corner and hurrying over.

"Harry," Martha greeted him, trying to force a smile but not quite succeeding. But Harry couldn't even look at her, rooted to the spot, paralyzed as he took in the small blonde figure lying in the bed. Sara had been right; even knowing exactly what Nikki had been put through physically hadn't been enough to prepare him for seeing her. She was lying flat on her back across the bed, a thin hospital blanket wrapped tightly around her up to her shoulders leaving her arms and face as the only parts of her exposed, but already Harry could see how thin she was. She hadn't exactly been a healthy weight since Joycelin was born, but now… now she was practically skeletal. Bai must have been starving her over the past 3 years, or maybe Nikki had simply been so distraught that she hadn't been eating? Harry wasn't sure which was worse.

And then there were the bruises scattered across her skin, across her face, the drips and monitors attached to her, some to her arms, others disappearing beneath the covers. It was almost unbearable to see her like that, to know that he wasn't even seeing the worst of her injuries; he wanted to run, he wanted to turn and run and never look back. But Harry couldn't do that to Nikki, he just couldn't. He needed to be there for her, to help her get better. She needed him, and alone was enough to make him stay.

"How is she?" Harry asked numbly, moving around to the other side of the bed and sitting down opposite Martha, taking Nikki's hand and grasping it tightly between both of his own, as if trying to ensure that he would never, ever have to be separated from her again.

"She's OK," Martha told him quietly. "She's doing much better than the doctors were expecting, at least; they're hoping she might wake up soon. They've got her on morphine, but it's only a mild dose- they're worried that because of how thin she is too large a dose might put too much of a strain on her heart- so there's a chance that she's still going to be in a moderate amount of pain when she wakes up."

Harry nodded, raising Nikki's hand in his own and kissing it gently, hoping that somehow she could sense his presence, that she knew he was there. "I've missed you so much," he whispered softly. "I don't know how I've managed to carry on without you Nikki, I really don't. I…"

But he never got to finish his sentence. Because suddenly, Harry became aware that Nikki's hand was no longer limp in his own, her fingers curling slightly around his wrist.

"Nikki?" he said gently, encouragingly, glancing between Martha, Sara and Nikki as he did so. "She just squeezed my hand. Nikki, come on, it's alright now, you're safe," he promised her, pressing the back of her hand to his cheek. "Come on Nikki, wake up."

And suddenly her eyes were fluttering, her whole body shaking slightly, as Nikki Alexander slowly opened her eyes, glanced around her nervously, opened her mouth, and screamed and screamed.


	40. A reunion

**Here's the first chapter to tide you all over whilst I'm away :) There are 5 in total; I'm not quite sure how long I'm going to be away but I will definitely be back by WEDNESDAY 24****th**** AUGUST, because it's results day the next day. Uh oh :( So I might have an update ready for you that evening, if not it'll be the next day, provided I haven't failed my GCSEs! :/ Big hugs to Amy, Thyqua, Lizzi, Em, GemS, Dinabar and Izzy for your reviews, please keep them coming while I'm away, and anyone else out there some feedback would be great :) **

**Back soon,**

**Love Flossie xxx**

**Chapter 39**

**A reunion**

**Saturday 9****th**** August 2014**

**-10.12am**

_And suddenly her eyes were fluttering, her whole body shaking slightly, as Nikki Alexander slowly opened her eyes, glanced around her nervously, opened her mouth, and screamed and screamed._

Harry was taken aback for a moment, unsure as to what was upsetting the woman he loved so much, whether she was in too much pain, whether she was confused, disorientated, whether she was remembering what had happened and that her daughter had been taken. He didn't know. But he did know that Nikki was most likely not thinking rationally, that the problem might not be that simple. And whether it was or not, he couldn't bear to see her like this. He had to calm her down.

"Nikki, you're safe now, it's alright," he soothed, realizing from the look in her eyes that she wasn't with him in the present, she was somewhere else, and trying to pull her back to reality. You're OK now, you're safe. I'm here, Martha and Sara are here; we're not going to let anyone hurt you Nikki, I promise. Come on, breathe, Nikki, deep breaths, you're safe now," he repeated, trying to hammer the message home to her.

"I c-c…" She wasn't screaming anymore, but her throat sounded hoarse, her breathing far too fast and shallow.

"Yes you can," Harry insisted, reaching to place his hands on Nikki's shoulders in what he had hoped would be a comforting gesture, but stopping instantly as Nikki flinched away, letting out a soft cry. "I'm sorry Nikki, I'm sorry, it's alright, calm down, it's all over. It's just me Nikki, and you know I'm not going to hurt you, don't you?"

Nikki nodded slightly, her breathing beginning to slowly return to normal as she stopped panicking. "I know, I… I'm-m sorry!"

"Nikki, don't you dare apologise!" Harry warned her. "You've got absolutely nothing to apologise for, OK? No one is ever, ever going to blame you for all this, none of it's your fault. Oh Nikki, come here," he sighed as he noticed her eyes beginning to swim with tears, leaning in slowly to pull her into an awkward hug; it wasn't easy trying to hug somebody lying in a hospital bed from a seated position in a chair beside them, but he did his best to offer Nikki some comfort. This time she didn't flinch away from him, she lay still for a moment instead, watching Harry nervously, before relaxing completely and clinging to him, sobbing quietly.

"Hey, it's alright," Harry said softly, smiling gratefully at Sara and Martha, who were slipping discretely out the door. "It's alright. I have missed you," he told her, leaning over to kiss her forehead, "So," kiss, "so," kiss "so much. I was so scared I was never going to see you again."

"M-me t-t-too," Nikki managed, before suddenly her face became agitated and she began to shake once more.

"Harry! H-h-harry, Josi… she… where…?"

And Harry's heart sank. He had been hoping she might not remember for a little while, that he might have some time to simply calm her down before he had to answer that question, and not in the way she was going to want him to, either. But he couldn't lie to her, not about this. He was just going to have to break the news to her as gently as possible.

"We don't know, Nikki," he sighed, holding her a little tighter as she began to tense. "I'm so sorry, sweetheart, we don't know. But listen, Nikki please, listen to me, Pieter's out there now looking for her, they're checking the airport, the houses on and around the beach where you were found… the police are doing everything they can to find her Nikki."

She was crying properly now, no longer meeting Harry's eyes as she stared down at the bed sheets. "I sh-shouldn't have l-let him t-t-take her! I should have fought harder, I should have found a way out of there years ago, I should have protected her! I…" she cut off slightly as she tried to roll over in the bed in order to face away from him, but Harry, seeing that she was never going to manage it and was only hurting herself trying, draped his arms over her, holding her gently in place.

"Nikki, you're just going to hurt yourself…" he tried to tell her, but Nikki wasn't having any of it. Maybe it was the fact that he was pinning her down, reminding her of Bai Lưu, of all the horrors she must have been put through over the last 3 years, ones which Harry could only imagine, he didn't know. All he knew was that suddenly, Nikki was lashing out at him, fighting him away from her.

"Get away from me!" she sobbed, curling slowly and painfully into the foetal position, her back to Harry and her face hidden beneath the thin hospital blankets. "Just leave me, please! I don't know how you can bear to look at me!"

"What?" Harry exclaimed, refusing to leave her side when she was clearly in such a state. "Nikki, why?"

"Because I lost our baby!" Her voice had risen to a scream now, and several visitors of the other Intensive Care patients were turning to look; Harry was aware that they were making a scene. Or rather, Nikki was. But he didn't blame her one little bit, not after everything she had been through. It was never going to be easy, returning to your old life almost 3 years after being kidnapped and put through hell, and it was clear that it was all already becoming far too much for Nikki to deal with, that on top of Joycelin still being missing. And if Nikki needed to shout and scream in order to regain a little control, then Harry wasn't about to stop her. But at the same time, he wasn't prepared to let her blame herself.

"Nikki, no! Listen to me Nikki, it wasn't…"

"I lost our baby!" she repeated, shaking violently beneath the blankets. "I'm her mother, I'm supposed to look after her, to protect her, but I couldn't even do that! I've failed her Harry, and I've failed you, and… and… I can't do this, Harry! I can't just carry on with everything, go back to how it was before and pretend that nothing ever happened!"

"No one's suggesting that you do, Nikki," Harry tried, but Nikki wasn't having any of it.

"And you're not going to want to be with me anymore, it wouldn't be fair to even ask you to, not after… I mean, once you could probably cope with, I suppose, but I'm damaged goods now Harry, can't you see? No one's ever going to want me again knowing what I did; I should have stopped him, I should have fought harder, I should have found a way to escape… why didn't I, Harry?" she asked tearfully. "Why did I let him damage me beyond repair? Don't answer that," she said suddenly, her voice fading to a whisper. "I already know, god, I already know how weak I am. I've let our 3 year old be kidnapped and taken to her death, I know how weak I am, it's all my fault. It's all my fault. You're never going to see her again, you're never going to see her grow up, and all because I was so weak! I'm sorry, Harry, I'm so. So sorry, you must hate me, I… Now get out, Harry, please! I can't do this anymore, OK! Get out!"

"Nikki…"

"NO! Harry, GET OUT!"

He did as she said in the end, scuttling from the room quickly, not wanting to leave her by herself yet also aware that his presence was upsetting her hugely. He was going to have to leave her for now, no matter how painful it was. Maybe Martha or Sara would have more luck getting through to her, calming her down. He wasn't holding out too much hope, though. God, what must Bai Lưu have done to Nikki to get her into such a state?

Harry tried to be strong as he walked out of the ward and into the corridor where Martha and Sara were sitting, waiting for him, but some of the worry and torment must have shown on his face. And apart from anything, they weren't stupid; they wouldn't have expected him to be leaving Nikki's side so soon willingly, not after almost 3 years apart. It was clear from the moment Harry appeared that something wasn't right.

"Harry, what's wrong?" Martha asked worriedly, standing up and moving to greet him. "What's happened? Is she alright?"

"I… I don't know!" Harry stammered, still slightly shocked by Nikki's outburst. "I don't know! You saw her before, she was upset- I think partly because she was so disorientated- but she was starting to calm down, I think. And then she asked about Joycelin…" He could see the worried looks on Martha and Sara's faces now, knowing they would have made the connection.

"I had to tell her, I couldn't lie to her, not on top of everything else," he continued shakily. "So I tried to make it sound as positive as possible, but obviously she was still distraught, one minute she was upset distraught, that Josi was still with him, and then she just worked herself into a state, blaming herself, telling me to leave her, that it was all her fault…" Harry sighed, leaning back heavily against the wall. "And she apologised, she said she was sorry that she'd lost my daughter, that I must hate her…" And then, to Harry's surprise, it all became too much and suddenly he was crying too, trying desperately to pull himself together and not quite succeeding.

"She shouldn't be on her own!" he managed he finally regained some control over himself, still feeling completely mortified but not thinking about that right now; his pride was the very least of his priorities. "I don't think she wants anyone in there with her, but she shouldn't be by herself!"

"I'll go and try to get through to her," Martha decided, standing up and heading for the door, pausing there for a moment. "She'll be fine, Harry," she told him, though Harry could tell from the look in her eyes that she didn't quite believe it herself. "She'll be fine. It's going to take her a while to adjust, we all expected that, but she'll be OK. She will."


	41. Reasoning

**Tide over chapter no.2 :) hopefully this one will raise the mood a little!**

**You know the drill, thanks to anyone who reviewed the last chappie :)**

**Love Florencia xxx**

**Chapter 40**

**Reasoning**

**Saturday 9****th**** August 2014**

**-10.45am**

"Niks?"

Martha Manduna approached the hospital bed containing the woman she considered her daughter cautiously, almost nervous. The closest person to Nikki in the whole world was Harry, there was no doubt about that, so if Nikki was unwilling to respond even to Harry… what chance did she have? But at the same time, she wondered if perhaps being so close to Harry had been what caused her to push him away in the first place. From what Harry had told her, Nikki clearly felt guilty at having lost his daughter, unable to see her irrationality for what it was an realize that it wasn't her fault, that Harry didn't blame her, no one did. Perhaps she would feel more comfortable talking to someone who wasn't Joycelin's other parent, who knew them both in a different capacity? Martha wasn't convinced, but she knew that she had to try. She couldn't stand to see Nikki blaming herself any longer.

"Nikki, it's me, it's Martha," she said as she approached, sitting down in the chair beside the bed and gently placing her hand on Nikki's blanket-covered shoulder, letting out a soft sigh of relief as Nikki flinched but then relaxed; she had won the first battle.

"You going to talk to me properly?" she asked now. "Three years is a long time to have not seen each other in Niks, don't you think we should do this properly, face to face?"

"I don't want to see anyone," Nikki mumbled, still submerged beneath the bedclothes, her voice trembling slightly. "I… I just want her back."

Martha sighed. "I know, Niks, I know. And I wish I knew where he'd taken her, so I could go and get her back for you, but I can't. I can't, and I'm sorry malaika, I honestly would if I could. But Pieter's out there looking for her Niks, the police will do everything they can to find her. And I know it's horrible, believe me, I know, but you're just going to have to try and be strong for a while. Joycelin wouldn't want you to fall to pieces, would she?"

"Martha?" Nikki was stirring slightly now, emerging from under the blankets. "You lost Albert, didn't you? How… how do you cope with it? I can't spend the rest of my life feeling like this, I just can't!"

"It gets easier, after a while. Well no, it doesn't get easier as such; you just learn to live with it. But Nikki, the circumstances in which Albert went missing were completely different, you know that, don't you? He was almost an adult when he disappeared, involved in politics in Apartheid South Africa, the police didn't care. Things are different here now, sometimes it might not seem like it, but they are, and the police are going to do everything they can to find Josi. You've got to try and be strong for her sake, that's going to be what keeps you going. Because when she comes home Niks, she's going to need you, she's going to need her mother."

Nikki just nodded slightly, attempting to roll over in the bed and not quite succeeding. She must be exhausted, Martha realized as she reached over to help her, moving her gently back into a more comfortable position. She could feel her ribs distinctly under her fingers, but she tried to push that to the back of her mind, for now, at least. Nikki might have only just woken up but she had been through a horrific amount in the last 24 hours, and suddenly being back with her family after 3 years away in a living hell was going to be difficult to readjust to, despite her wanting to be back here the entire time she had been away. Not to mention the pain at losing her daughter, the uncertainty of not knowing where she was, whether she would even see her again. It was too much for anyone to cope with all at once, and yet Nikki didn't have any choice. She was going to have to deal with it all somehow; there wasn't another option.

"Niks, what's wrong?" Martha asked worriedly as Nikki began to wince, her hand skimming over the heavy bandages around her midsection. "Is it starting to hurt?"

"I'm… fine," Nikki managed, her voice beginning to sound tired now, her eyes beginning to flutter. "Martha, what's… wrong… with me?"

"I'm probably not the best person to explain that to you," Martha sighed. "You're going to be fine, I promise, but Harry and Sara would probably be better at explaining. And you're exhausted Niks, come on, get some sleep and I'll get Harry to come and tell you everything in a bit, OK?"

"You're… you're not…"

"I'm not going anywhere," Martha promised her, squeezing her hand tightly. "I'm not leaving you. Now come on Nikki, sleep. You've been through a lot, you need to get some rest if you're going to recover. I'm not going anywhere until you wake up, I promise."

"Josi…"

"I'll wake you if there's any news, OK? Now sleep."

**Saturday 9****th**** August 2014**

**-11.26am**

"Janet, I'm going to have to take this, it's Harry!" Leo called as his mobile began to ring, recognising the caller ID on the screen. It was late Saturday morning and he and Janet were supposed to be taking their sons to the park, partly as a distraction for themselves given everything they knew Nikki and Harry were going through a whole continent away, but that was going to have to wait; Leo wasn't missing the chance to be updated on Nikki's condition for the world. It was now more than 12 hours since he had received a frantic phone call from Harry, informing him that he wouldn't be in work for a while, that Nikki had been found dumped on a South African beach and rushed to hospital, but the Joycelin was nowhere to be found. He had fought back the urge to phone Sara for an update whilst Harry was still on the lane headed out to Cape Town, but had managed to resist, knowing that if everything Harry had said was true, Sara would have enough on her plate in dealing with Nikki, searching for Joycelin. And so as much as he had hated not knowing what was happening, Leo had forced himself to be patient, assuring himself that Harry would phone as soon as he could, as soon as he had anything to report. And now that he was finally calling, he wasn't about to miss the update.

"Harry, what's happening?" Leo asked urgently the moment he picked up the phone, unable to wait for news any longer. "How's Nikki doing? And Joycelin, what about her, have they found her yet? Are you at the hospital, have you seen them, have?"

"Leo slow down, one question at a time!" Harry laughed, but it was forced, Leo could tell that even over the phone. "Nikki's… well, physically, she should make a full recovery, we hope. But emotionally…" he stopped, his voice trembling slightly. We don't know. We just don't know. She's just had a bit of a meltdown, actually."

Leo sighed; this was exactly what he had been afraid of. "What's wrong with her, Harry?" he asked, not totally convinced that he wanted to know the answer.

"Gunshot wound to the stomach, hole in the intestine, internal bleeding in and around the appendix- they've removed that now- broken ribs, cracked ribs from earlier injuries, a nasty selection of bruises and severely malnourished." He was working his way through her injuries calmly, almost too calmly, Leo realized, as if he were talking about one of the bodies at the Lyell Centre rather than the woman he loved. Trying to disconnect himself from it all in order to numb the pain a little.

"And…" Harry's voice was breaking a little now; Leo wasn't quite sure if it was the line or the emotions of the last 2 days, of Nikki's present circumstances taking its toll. "And the bastard, he's cut open her hysterectomy scar."

Leo was quiet for a moment, taking everything in, before forcing himself out of the trance he seemed to have entered, the effect of the shock and horror at finding out the state which the woman he considered his daughter was now in. He needed to hold himself together, for Harry, for Nikki, for Janet, for Jasper and Jacob; they were going to start to realize that something was wrong if he fell to pieces.

"And what about Joycelin?"

"No news yet," Harry sighed. "Sara and Pieter found Nikki after Pieter was sent an email from _him_ telling them where to find her, but also saying that he was going to keep Josi. Pieter's got a police team out there looking for her now, but… oh Leo, how could we have been so stupid?" He sounded positively furious now, not so much furious with him, Leo thought, more furious with himself.

"Why, what's happened?" Leo asked cautiously, not wanting to add fuel to the fire but at the same time needing to know what was wrong, what it was they had missed.

"This whole thing," Harry sighed desperately. "This whole thing, Bai Lưu… _him_, raping Nikki, abducting her and Joycelin, it was all a part of his sick little plan and we didn't even realize it! The children we found, the Greenfield children shot in the shopping centre in January that year, the Vietnamese boy at the embassy, then the children we found when we came out to Africa, the ones he'd murdered after they weren't good enough to help him infiltrate the North Korean government, or whatever his stupid plan was? Well, we haven't got much out of Nikki yet she's in such a state, we don't know the details, but she managed to tell Sara in the ambulance on the way out to the hospital that this has been his plan all along, to take Josi out to China, to the Phoenix Base Camp, to use her in his hair-brained political protests. We could have lost her, Leo," Harry whispered, his voice filled with the emotions of the day as he voiced what Leo was almost certain had become his worst fear. "We could have lost her."

Oh god. Oh god oh god oh god. "I'm coming out there," Leo decided, unable to ignore the feeling that he should be out there with Harry, Nikki and the others, he should be helping, should be there for them. Harry was going to be in a state, not knowing whether to be pleased that he finally had Nikki back or devastated that his daughter was still missing, that he might never see her again. That was enough to cope with in itself, but Nikki was going to be a complete emotional wreck after everything she had been put through, not to mention in huge pain physically; Harry wasn't going to be able to cope with looking after her constantly and dealing with his own emotional pain simultaneously. Leo knew that Martha and Sara would look after them both, but somehow he still felt as if he should be there too. He considered both Harry and Nikki his family, and he was Joycelin's 'granddad'; he should be there for them.

"Harry, I'm going to have a word with the coroner, explain the situation and see if I can head out there to join you," Leo told his friend, his mind made up. "I should be out there with you, we all should."

"Ah." Leo could tell from the very tone of Harry's voice that something was wrong. "Leo, you weren't thinking of bringing Jasper and Jacob, were you?"

Leo frowned. "Well, what else are we going to do with them? Janet will want to come and see Nikki too, and we can hardly leave them at home by themselves, can we?"

"No, no of course not, I wasn't suggesting that!" Harry said quickly. "It's just, well, Nikki's in such a state about Josi without even being fully with it, god only knows what she's going to be like when she's got her bearings and fully understands what's happening, what's happened, and we… well, don't take this the wrong way, but we don't think that seeing other people's children is going to help matters while it's all so raw. I'm sorry Leo, it's just…"

"No, Harry I understand," Leo assured him, beginning to see where his friend was coming from on this one. He was remembering now just how painful it had been to lose his own daughter Cassie; that had been devastating enough and at the time he had thought it was the worst pain a parent could face. But now, knowing what Nikki was going through, he was starting to wonder if there was something worse. At least Leo had been able to grieve for his daughter, to lay her to rest, to take comfort in the fact that she had been laid to rest, that she had gone on to somewhere better. What did Nikki have? No one knew whether her daughter was still alive, no one could tell her for certain either way whilst Joycelin was still missing; she wouldn't know whether to grieve or whether to search high and low frantically, wouldn't know whether to try and learn to let go or refuse to give up hope, would be spending the rest of her life living in a state of limbo until she was finally given some answers, answers which might never come. No, the more he thought about it, the more Leo could understand where Harry was coming from. As much as he knew that Nikki was not going to resent him and Janet for still having their children with them, not out of spite, at least, not consciously, he could also see that it might be hard for her to see them as parents, to see them still with their children. No, that was never going to help.

"It's OK, I see where you're coming from," Leo continued. "We can probably get Janet's sister to look after the boys for a few days, or else I'll come out now and Janet will just have to stay here with them. Tell her I'm on my way out, will you?"

"I will," Harry promised, though there was a hint of worry and anxiety in his voice. "I'll try. I don't… I don't know if she'll want to see me for a while. I know she's only just woken up, that she's bound to be confused and not quite thinking straight, but she seems to have gotten it into her head that she's let me down by losing her daughter, that I'm not going to want to see her… I don't know. I tried to tell her that it wasn't her fault of course, that I was never going to hold her responsible, but she didn't believe me; she got very upset and told me she wanted to be left alone."

Leo sighed, knowing Nikki was likely to be in a state for quite some time; it wasn't the sort of thing a person got over in a few days, weeks, even months.

"OK. She'll be OK Harry, you know that, don't you?"

"Not really," Harry confessed. "She's _not_ going to be OK Leo, not unless we find Josi."

"Then we'll find her," Leo vowed, aware that it probably wasn't the best thing to be promising at this moment in time, but somehow unable to help himself. "We'll find her."

But Harry saw right through him. "You can't promise that, Leo," he pointed out. "No one can."

"I know," Leo confessed. "But you can't give up hope. If we give up hope, even for one moment, then we've lost her, Harry. We can't give up hope."


	42. Adjustment

**Chapter 41**

**Adjustment**

**Saturday 9****th**** August 2014**

**-12.56pm**

"Harry?"

Harry looked up at the sound of his name to see Martha standing in the ward doorway, a slightly urgent expression on her face.

"Harry, she's awake, she wants to see you. She wants to see you, but she's worried that you're not going to want to see her."

"What?" Harry sighed, jumping to his feet quickly. "How on earth could she think that? God, she really is in a state, isn't she?" He smiled at Martha gratefully as she held the door for him, stepping through into the intensive care ward apprehensively. He spotted Nikki curled up in the foetal position in her hospital bed at the end of the ward and strode down towards her, sitting down slowly in the chair next to her. Her eyes were closed, her head resting on her right forearm, though Harry could tell that she wasn't actually asleep.

"Hey," he whispered as he placed his hand lightly over her own, aware that he was going to have to be particularly gentle around her for a while. "How are you feeling?"

"OK," Nikki replied quietly, though the tone of her voice and the look in her eyes told a very different story. She looked lost; that was the best word Harry could think of to describe the look in her deep brown eyes. She looked completely lost.

"Harry, I'm sorry," Nikki said quietly, her eyes on Harry's hand over her own rather than his face. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have lost it with you, I didn't really want you to go… I…"

"Hey, hey, I know," Harry said gently, risking wrapping his arm around her back, watching as she flinched sharply but then relaxed into his embrace. "There's nothing to apologise for Nikki, nothing. I know you didn't really want me to go sweetheart, I know. I'm here. I'm here, and I'm not going anywhere, OK? I'm never letting you out of my sight again if I can help it."

"So you won't let him hurt me again?" Her voice was almost a whisper, but her words just about broke his heart in two.

"Oh Nikki, he's never laying a finger on you again, I promise," Harry assured her, leaning over to press a kiss to her hair. "I won't let him hurt you again, you're safe now. You're safe, you know that, don't you?"

Nikki nodded slightly, looking down at Harry's hand once more, visibly distressed. "Joycelin isn't, though."

"I know," Harry sighed, knowing he was going to have to play this one pretty carefully given Nikki's earlier breakdown over their daughter's whereabouts. "I know, Nikki. But we're doing everything we can to find her."

She was shaking her head now, her eyes beginning to swim with tears. "You can't, you don't know where to look. It took you 3 years to find me; another 3 years and he could have taken her anywhere, he could have gotten her killed, given her a new name and created a whole new life for her, she might not even remember me, Harry…"

"We'll worry about that when we have to," Harry told her firmly. "Nikki, listen, do you know anything that might help us find Josi? Do you know where they were holding you, roughly, how far it was from the beach? Did you see anything, Nikki, anything in those 3 years to give you some clue as to where you were?"

But he could tell by the look on Nikki's face that he had pushed her too far.

"Harry, I've already told the police, I don't know!" she sobbed. "In those 3 years, all I ever saw was the room he kept us in and the inside of the boot of his car. I think it was some kind of housing estate- there was a window but it was in a basement, the room was in the basement, I mean, you couldn't see much out the window; it couldn't have been far from where… where he dumped me I don't think, but I can't be sure, I told the police it was only a few minutes away but I could have passed out for a while, I don't know… Harry I can't help them! I don't know anything to help find her other than that her wanted to take her out the country, to China, I think, to the Korean border, but I don't know, I just don't know! Harry, I can't help her, I've failed her, I…"

"Hey, hey, it's OK, Nikki, you haven't failed anyone," Harry tried to assure her; Nikki's present state was reminding him horribly of her earlier breakdown and alarm bells were ringing in his mind. "Come on, this isn't going to help, is it? Calm down, come on, Nikki you need to breathe, you're going to work yourself into a state if you carry on like this. Right," Harry decided, his medical training kicking in. "Can you sit up? You might find it easier to breathe if you sit up."

She didn't have a hope of being able to manoeuvre herself into a seated position, Harry knew that, but he didn't want Nikki to know that, knowing how independent and unwilling to accept help she could be. So he let her try and fail a few times though making sure she didn't hurt herself, before reaching over to help her. Having something else to focus on seemed to have distracted Nikki considerably, and by the time Harry had sat her up against the headboard she seemed considerably calmer. How much longer it was going to last, Harry didn't know, but at least she was OK for now. She was surviving, and for the time being, that was quite possibly all she was going to be capable of doing.

**-1.09pm**

"Harry?"

"Hmm?"

"What's wrong with me?"

Harry sighed; that had been another of the questions which he had hoped he wouldn't have to answer just yet. He had managed to calm Nikki down a little in the last few minutes and now he was sat next to her on her bed, squashed up against the headboard with his arms around her, holding her tightly, partly to make her feel safe and loved, partly to hold her upright, worried that she might run out of energy sooner than she expected and lose the strength to do it herself and partly to reassure himself that she was still there, that she hadn't slipped away from him once more. Although he didn't want to answer Nikki's question, part of Harry was relieved, realizing that it was the first time she had taken any interest in herself since she had woken up; previously she had been so worried about Joycelin that she couldn't seem to concentrate on anything else. And whilst Harry understood that to be a perfectly normal reaction, it still worried him. Especially after what Sara had said on the phone about worrying that she might be slightly suicidal.

"How much do you remember?" Harry asked cautiously, knowing that there was no easy way to approach the matter. Perhaps it would be best to work with what she remembered rather than overload her with events she had no recollection of?

"I don't know, I…" She appeared to be thinking frantically now, causing Harry to begin to regret his decision. In trying to make this the least painful experience he could for her, he seemed to have gone and done the opposite.

"I remember I was with her, I knew something was wrong, I just knew, I think she knew what was going to happen he must have told her, and then suddenly they came in, tried to take her away and I tried Harry, I honestly did, I told him I wasn't going to let him take her but I couldn't stop them, and then they had Josi and I was on the other side of the room, and he had a gun, and… and I think he must have shot at me but I don't really remember, I just remember Joycelin screaming… Harry, what's wrong with me?" she pleaded, unable to take it all anymore.

"OK," Harry said soothingly, picking up on her distress at not being able to remember. "It's all OK. He did, he… he shot you in the stomach, tore a hole in your intestine and ruptured your appendix. So the doctors took you to surgery as soon as they got you here, repaired the hole in your intestine and took out your appendix. Which means you're going to be quite sore for a while, but you'll recover and you'll be fine, OK? And then you've got a few broken ribs, do you remember how you got those?" Harry asked worriedly, seeing the look on her face at the mention of her ribs.

"Which ones?" Nikki asked quietly, her question stirring up a new wave of anger inside Harry. Had she really been hurt so many times over the past few days, months, years, that she had to ask that question?

"I don't know," Harry confessed, holding her a little tighter. "I'm not sure. You've got a few cracks in some of your other ribs that look like they're just beginning to heal up…" He cut off and sighed, suddenly aware that his hands were resting on Nikki's ribcage and sliding them down to her waist. "I'm not hurting you, am I?"

"No, I'm fine," Nikki insisted, resting her head on his shoulder. "It's throbbing a bit, but that's not you." Her hand was running across the thick wad of bandages around her abdomen, a confused expression on her face. "Harry? Where did he… where was the gunshot wound?" She seemed surprisingly calm about the whole concept of being shot at under the circumstances; Harry suspected she was still in shock.

"I'm not sure exactly," Harry admitted. "I only arrived a few minutes before you woke up the first time around, I didn't see you before they bandaged it. But there was only one wound and I know it got your appendix, so it's going to be somewhere near that."

Nikki just frowned at him, seemly confused.

"But it doesn't just hurt there, it hurts more lower down." She was pressing against the bandage now, wincing.

"Hey, and that's not going to help, is it?" Harry pointed out, gently prising her hand away. "Nikki, listen," he sighed; he had hoped to avoid having to tell her about this particular injury, worried that it was going to bring up painful memories concerning more than one event in the past 3 years. "It's not as bad as it sounds; we think just before he left you on the beach he…" he gulped, "he cut open your hysterectomy scar. Then when we think he through you into the sea-" Nikki was nodding now, this was a part of her ordeal which she clearly did remember- "you picked up quite a nasty infection. It's going to hurt for a while but then it'll heal up, it shouldn't be any more noticeable than it was before, OK?"

"OK." Her voice was numb, like she was hearing what he was saying but not quite able to process it all yet.

"You're going to be fine, though," Harry promised her, only hoping she believed him when he didn't quite believe himself. "You're going to be just fine. We'll get you better and out of hospital and back home again in no time, you'll see. You're going to be fine."

"I'm not going home without Josi." It wasn't a protest as such, it was a statement; she was adamant that it was simply not going happen. "Harry, I'm not going home without her!"

"Well, we'll get you back to Martha's, then," Harry amended, not entirely convinced that Nikki wouldn't be forced to return to London at least once without her daughter, as he had now done 7 times over according to the Safari count. But he didn't want to tell Nikki that, not now, not knowing just how emotionally fragile she was at present. The very idea of returning home without Joycelin was likely to send her into another blind panic, and Harry couldn't do that to her, he just couldn't. He knew he was going to have to let her down gently, but now really wasn't the best time to start.

"Harry?"

Nikki was looking at him anxiously now, almost afraid.

"Harry, is there… is there anything you need to tell me?" She was pulling away a little now; Harry frowned at her, unsure as to what was going on in her mind. "Because if… I mean, I've been away for 3 years almost now, I'm dirty, contaminated, once was bad enough I'm surprised you still wanted me after that, but now, after… if there's someone else, or if you just want someone who hasn't been… then I understand, it's OK…"

"Nikki…" Harry began, trying to butt in and tell her how wrong she was, but Nikki wouldn't stop.

"You don't have to stay with me out of pity, Harry, I do understand, I don't want you to feel like you have to be with me again, not, not if there's someone…"

"Nikki, stop!" Harry told her firmly, grabbing hold of her hands, his heart sinking as she flinched away, before seemingly assuring herself that he wasn't going to hurt her and relaxing once more. "Listen Nikki: there _is _no one else, OK? I promise you, these last 3 years there has been no one else and there never, ever will be. You're the only one I want. And I can't imagine how horrible it must have been Nikki, being hurt like that, being held by _him _after what he'd already done to you, but you're safe now. And no matter what, you're still my Nikki, the woman I love, and nothing is ever, ever going to change that. I'd have waited for you forever if that was what it took; those 3 years without you I didn't even contemplate moving on, I just wanted you back. And now I've got you, and I know we haven't got Josi back yet, we're not quite a family again, but I've got you, and if you think I'm ever going to let you out of my sight again then you're very much mistaken. I love you Nikki Alexander, I always have. And I always will."

Nikki simply stared at him for a few moments, her eyes wide, before leaning back into his chest and pulling his arms around her, seemingly needing his comfort in order to feel safe. And that was fine by Harry.

"I love you, too," she whispered into his chest, a silent tear running down her cheeks. "Thank you. For everything."


	43. Outrage

**Chapter 42**

**Outrage**

**Saturday 9****th**** August 2014**

**-1.28pm**

"How are you feeling this afternoon, Dr Alexander?" the ward nurse asked sympathetically as she passed by Nikki's end of the intensive care unit, dragging a hospital trolley behind her. Nikki could smell something, vegetable soup, maybe; the mere thought of food made her want to retch. How could they expect her to eat when her daughter was still missing, still in the custody of a murdering rapist? How could she possibly continue with life as normal knowing that?

"I'm OK, I guess," she lied, ignoring the pointed look Harry was giving her. She wasn't OK, of course, even she knew that, but she refused to wimp out and ask for her dose of morphine or whatever it was they had her on to be upped. She wasn't in pain, not really, not in comparison to how her daughter must be feeling, all alone, having seen her mother being shot and dragged away. Nothing could ever compare to that.

The frown on the nurse's face told Nikki that she didn't believe her patient either. "OK. But if you need anything, you know where I am. Now, have you been told about your injuries?"

Nikki just nodded, not particularly wanting to start up a conversation with the nurse. She seemed nice enough, but Nikki simply wasn't in the mood, she didn't want to see anyone. Harry was the only exception to that rule; somehow he managed to make her feel safe, protected, like she wasn't going to be subjected to any new horrors at the hands of Bai Lưu. Even though a part of her believed that she would deserve it, given what her daughter must be going through.

"Right, well you'll know that you've had major surgery on your intestine yesterday, then," the nurse continued abruptly; Nikki wasn't sure she liked her very much. "So keeping anything in the way of food down might be a struggle for a few days. We've got you on a nutrition drip but we need to get you eating as well if possible, so the doctors would like to try you on some soup. Someone will be round to check on you in a while, but in the meantime I'd like you to try and eat this; I'll leave you a spare bowl just in case, OK?"

"Great, thanks," Nikki muttered sarcastically, reaching out reluctantly to take the bowl of soup, the smell of it alone already beginning to make her feel nauseous. She was sure that the soup was perfectly fine, but having spent the past 3 years surviving on just a small bowl of rice every couple of days, the thought of such a large amount of thick liquid all at once nutrition-wise was making her stomach churn violently.

"Harry, I can't eat this!" she murmured desperately as the nurse headed off back down the other end of the ward, staring anxiously at the murky green liquid in the bowl. "I can't eat this."

"Why, what's wrong?" Harry asked worriedly, removing his right hand from her shoulder in order to take the bowl from her. "You're not in too much pain, are you? I can go and find your doctor, get him to put you on a stronger dose of morphine…"

"No I'm fine, it's not that," Nikki sighed, turning away from the offending bowl of soup. "It's just… the smell of it, it's making me feel sick."

"Nikki, you have to try," Harry insisted. "You have to try to eat, I know you've got a food drip but that's not going to be enough on its own, you know that. You're just going to make yourself ill-"

"Harry, I'm already on an intensive care ward, how much worse do you think I can get?" Nikki retorted angrily. "Sorry," she whispered a few moments later, suddenly ashamed. This wasn't Harry's fault; here he was, having waited for her for almost 3 years, being so supportive and loving, and she was snapping at him when he was only trying to help.

"Nikki, don't apologise," Harry told her firmly, placing the bowl of soup down on the bedside cabinet and wrapping his arms around her once more. "I think you can be excused for being a bit snappy at the moment. I can't even begin to imagine how hard it must be," he began quietly, staring deep into his girlfriend's eyes, "To be uprooted from everything you know without warning, held captive for almost 3 years and then thrown back again. Especially… especially without Josi."

Nikki just let out a long, deep sigh, looking down at the think blanket covering her. "It's not like I thought it would be," she confessed. "I used to fantasise about coming home; I think that was one of the few things that kept me going. But I always imagined that everything would go back to normal when it happened, that I'd still have Joycelin with me…" The mere thought of her daughter was enough to start up the waterworks again and she cut off, fighting to regain some control before continuing. "But it doesn't all feel normal again at all, I just feel, I don't know… it's like living in a dream world and you can't feel anything, it's not normal at all!"

"You've only been back with us less than 24 hours, and you've only a couple of hours' worth of that time awake," Harry soothed her, stroking her hair. "You're not going to feel back to normal straight away Nikki, it's going to be a long and gradual process. And it's not going to be easy, not in the slightest, especially without Josi, but we're going to do everything we can to try and find her. I know it doesn't feel like it now, but it's all going to get better, I promise."

"It won't without her," Nikki whispered hopelessly. "I don't know if I can go back to normal without her."

"I know, Nikki," Harry sighed. "I know. But listen, if you give up now, then when we find Josi, you're still going to be a mess. And she's going to need her mother more than ever when we get her home, so you need to stay strong, for her. Which means you need to keep your energy levels up," he concluded, picking up the bowl of soup once more and holding it out to Nikki. "So come on, please. At least try it Nikki, for me. For Josi."

"Hey. How is she?" Sara Laurence asked an hour or so later, entering the intensive care ward and heading down towards Nikki's bed. She and Martha had spent the afternoon in the hospital canteen, allowing Harry and Nikki to reunite with one another in private after almost 3 years apart. Nikki appeared to be asleep, her hair spread across the pillow like a fan, her skin still worryingly pale but her face less agitated, her right hand held tightly in Harry's.

"She's alright," Harry told her. "Surprisingly alright under the circumstances. But she's still not well, not eating properly; one of the nurses brought her some soup a while ago and she couldn't keep any of it down, but she's still insisting that the pain isn't too bad. Apparently one of the doctors is going to come and check the wound later for her to make sure it isn't enflamed, which could explain why she can't stomach anything."

"Poor thing," Sara sighed, sitting down on the other side of the bed. "Listen, Pieter's outside… I think you should probably go and speak to him yourself. I'll stay with Niks, she'll be fine, I just think you need to speak to him."

"Why?" Harry asked urgently, his heart suddenly filled with a new sense of dread. "Has he…?"

"You really need to speak to Pieter," Sara insisted, ushering him from the room. "I'll let you know if you're needed, come on, go!"

"What's happened?" Harry asked frantically as he stepped out of the intensive care unit, seeing Pieter and Martha huddled a little further down the corridor. "Have you found something? Is Josi…?"

"We still don't know," Pieter told him gravely as Martha moved behind him to place her hands on his shoulders; clearly this wasn't going to be good news. "Now this isn't going to sound good Harry, but I swear, I'm not going to give up, I'm going to do everything in my power to find Joycelin no matter what the rest of the bloody South African police department say…"

"What's happened?" Harry asked anxiously, now terrified. "You haven't found something to suggest she's, you know?"

"No, we haven't," Pieter assured him. "But I'm afraid we've hit a problem; a loophole in the law which means that my boss isn't going to let me prioritize this case."

"And why's that?" Harry asked angrily, not quite sure he was going to be able to contain his fury for much longer.

"Because parental custody law in this country and the UK is a load of crap," Pieter explained bitterly. "Whilst Bai Lưu was holding Nikki captive, he was holding someone he had already committed a known offence against, yes? So we could prioritize the case. Now, however, he's only holding Joycelin, to whom he's the biological father."

"But he's not her dad!" Harry protested. "Biological father, yes, but not her dad!"

"Not to us, no," Pieter sighed. "But in the eyes of the law, he's still her father until Nikki files a petition to have his paternal rights terminated, which can't be done without both Nikki taking Lưu to court along with evidence not only of the rape, but also reasons as to why he's unfit to be Joycelin's father, to play any part in her life, in looking after her. Which we know hasn't been done. And so as bloody outrageous as it is, as far as the law is concerned Joycelin is still in parental custody; the only thing we could get him on other than raping Nikki, which we can't prioritize because of all the other crime which goes on in this country, or stopping her mother from seeing her if she isn't brought back within 3 months. Otherwise, until every other kidnapped child in the whole country not with a parent or guardian is found, we can't prioritize the case."

And it was at that point that Harry broke down in tears and began a vicious punching attack on the wall, both at the same time.


	44. Reassurance

**Last chapter for now :( But they'll be more in a week and a couple of days, so please don't forget to come back then! I always get paranoid when I go away that I'm going to come home to no lovely reviews/ hits when I upload a new chapter :( So don't forget me :) **

**Hope everyone's had a great summer, and good luck to anyone collecting results if I don't speak to you before then! :)**

**Love Flossie xxx**

**Chapter 43**

**Reassurance**

**Sunday 10****th**** August 2014**

**-8.58am**

"Harry Cunningham?"

Harry span around at the sound of his name, overcome with a new wave of nerves. It was his second morning in Cape Town and the night before he had been forced to leave Nikki, promising to come back first thing in the morning. She had been surprisingly calm all evening, but the moment Harry stood up to leave she had worked herself into a panic, screaming, crying, begging him not to leave her. Harry was certain that his heart had shattered in part, but there was nothing he could do; the hospital staff had made it perfectly clear that they were not going to permit him to stay overnight beside her bed. And so he had attempted to sooth Nikki a little, telling her that he would be back first thing in the morning the moment visiting hours began, that Leo would be arriving in Cape Town the following afternoon and she had that to look forward to. Harry hadn't told her, however, that Pieter was going to stop by too, to question her about those long three years in Bai Lưu's custody. He didn't think that was exactly going to help matters. He was yet to tell Nikki about the parental custody issue with Joycelin too, knowing that it could possibly send her over the edge. He couldn't tell her until she was a little stronger both physically and mentally, he couldn't risk it. He just couldn't.

"You're Dr Harry Cunningham, is that right?" the woman approaching him asked. Harry nodded, recognising her from the previous day; she had been the doctor who had come to see Nikki after she had vomited up the soup, examined the gunshot wound to her stomach and announced that it was looking as if the infection hadn't yet begun to improve, that her intestine might not be healing quite as well as they had hoped and they were going to have to keep a closer eye on her for a while, just in case.

"How's Nikki?" he asked anxiously, his heart in his mouth.

"She's a little better this morning," the doctor told him. "She's in more pain this morning I think but her intestine's beginning to heal, although she's still having difficulty eating. It sounds as if she's been more or less starved over the past 3 years so I suspect her stomach's shrunk; she's just not going to be able to take much in the way of food at once. We can sort that with surgery but given everything she's already been through it would probably be best to try and work her up to eating normal amounts of food gradually; I'm not sure how well she'd respond to another operation. No, she's getting better physically, but that's not what I wanted to talk to you about. She's had a bit of a rough night to say the least, nightmares, waking up screaming, I'm sure you can imagine, given the state she was in yesterday. We had to sedate her in the end, but it's really not good for her to be working herself into such a state. So my colleagues and I would like to suggest that you stay in with her tonight- we can set you up a cot bed next to Nikki, we think she'd sleep better if someone she's familiar was there."

Under normal circumstances, Harry would have exploded at that point, mentioning how he had requested perfectly reasonably the previous day to be allowed to spend the night with Nikki at the hospital, several times, in fact, only to be turned away rather pointedly and told it wasn't hospital policy. But after everything which had already happened, everything Nikki had been through, Harry wasn't about to risk the offer being withdrawn.

"That would be great, thanks," Harry said, forcing a smile. "So how is Nikki now, she's not still upset, is she?"

"A little, but we've managed to calm her down considerably," the doctor told him. "She'll be much better for seeing you, I'm sure."

"Morning you," Harry greeted Nikki as he stepped into the room, walking over to Nikki's bed and perching on the end. "How are you feeling? Any better?"

"I don't feel as out of it as I did yesterday," Nikki told him quietly; only now did Harry notice the pained expression on her face, the thin and few tears trailing down her cheeks. "But I don't remember it all being quite this painful yesterday, either."

"That bad?" Harry asked sympathetically, his arms snaking their way around Nikki's waist. Nikki never normally liked to admit to being in pain, which meant that it was almost certainly agony for a person with a normal pain threshold.

"Have you told the doctors? They might be able to up your morphine drip if you tell them."

Nikki just shook her head. "Already asked, they can't. Apparently they're already giving me as much as they can safely for my weight."

Which wasn't going to be much given the huge amount of weight she had lost over the past 3 years, Harry realized grimly. Not that he was going to mention that of course; 41 years of experience had taught him that making any sort of mention about a woman's weight was a bad, bad idea.

"I couldn't sleep last night," she stated now after a few moments silence, her voice almost a whisper. "I just… every time I closed my eyes I was back there in that basement, with _him_… when he was…" Nikki groaned in frustration, still unable to make herself say that word. "You'd think I'd have got used to it after every other bloody day, wouldn't you?"

And Harry froze, horrified. She had been sexually assaulted every other day? God, why would anyone want to do that to Nikki, what on earth had she ever done to deserve that? How had she even managed to survive such a terrible ordeal without going crazy, without 3 years' worth of being attacked so frequently sending her insane? Harry didn't know. All he did know was that he was never, ever letting her out of his sight again, never letting anyone else hurt her, take her from him, even for a moment. She was never going to experience anything remotely close to that pain again, not on his watch. He wouldn't let anyone she didn't know and trust near her again if that was what it took.

"You've got no idea how brave you are," Harry told her softly, meaning every word. "So you managed to keep going through all that is beyond me. But it's all over now Nikki, you're never going to be put through that again, I promise. I know it all comes back at night…"

"But it's not just at night," Nikki told him, a new hint of desperation in her voice. "Even now I feel as if I'm constantly on guard, constantly waiting for him to walk through the door, tell me he's sorry, that he knows he's let me down again but it was all a big misunderstanding, a mistake, that he doesn't want things to be like this between us…"

And suddenly Harry had a horrible feeling that they weren't talking about Bai Lưu anymore.

"Nikki?" he asked cautiously, not wanting to bring the bad memories back to the surface when it was all still so raw, but needing to know who she was talking about. "Nikki, who do you mean? Was there someone else there?"

She nodded slightly, hanging her head.

"Who? Nikki, who, who was it?"

"I can't tell you," she said sadly, looking away from him. "I can't, he's not supposed to treat me like that, it's embarrassing enough as it is…"

"Nikki, come on, who?"

"My…" But Harry knew the answer before she even opened her mouth. "My father."

And suddenly she was sobbing again, clinging to Harry as if her life depended upon it, close to hysterical. "I don't know how he got involved with it all, he said it was a mistake, he never hurt me, not like that but he was there, he was there through it all, he was the one who took Josi away…"

Harry simply didn't know what to do. He had known it was bad, really bad, but for Nikki to have been put through so much pain at the hands of her own father… he didn't know what could possibly be worse. God, how was he going to get her through this? How could anyone possibly survive such a horrific ordeal?

"OK," he said simply, still thinking about how to calm her down. "It's all going to be OK. Pieter's going to be here soon my love, we'll tell him that your father's involved, he'll handle it, but in the meantime you've got hang on, OK? It's going to be alright. The hospital staff have agreed to let me stay here with you tonight, I'll be right here, you have anything in the way of a nightmare and I'll be here, I'll make sure you're alright, I promise. You'll feel better if you can get some proper sleep."

Nikki just nodded, snuggling into Harry's chest. "She can't speak English."

"Hmm?" Harry looked up, surprised, processing her statement. "Josi? How were you communicating with her then?"

"Afrikaans," Nikki sighed. "I'm sorry, I didn't do it to block you out, I was speaking to her in English at the beginning but _he_ kept coming in, interrupting, joining in the conversation like we were a normal family or something, and I just couldn't take it anymore, I knew he couldn't understand Afrikaans so it meant I could have her to myself. I'm sorry."

"Nikki, when are you going to learn to stop apologising?" Harry laughed softly, feigning a sigh. "I understand. I really do, I would have done the same. Well, only if I was you, otherwise I'd have had to communicate with our daughter using only GCSE French and German. But we can teach her to speak English Niks, that's not a problem. None of it is, because it's not your fault Nikki, OK? It's not your fault."

And for the first time in her life, Nikki began to believe it, just a little. It wasn't her fault… somehow those words were rather reassuring. It wasn't her fault.


	45. Sara

**Chapter 44**

**Sara**

**Year of the Rooster**

**Friday 11****th**** August 2017**

**-12.05pm**

Don't panic. Whatever you do, don't bloody panic, not now. You can't panic, not for a second; panic and your body will give up the fight. You won't last another minute if you panic, you know that much. Panic simply isn't an option if you want to get out of all this alive and you know that really, deep down. It's just difficult to think straight when you've just been shot by the man who raped your friend, kidnapped her and her baby and held them captive for three years, dumped your friend back down on a deserted beach and left her for dead, running off with her daughter in the process. You highly doubt anyone would be able to think rationally in the situation you've found yourself in now.

This not panicking thing really isn't working out, you realize as grasp at the wound on your leg, trying to access the damage. You're a doctor, you should be able to keep relatively calm in this sort of mess, to get some idea as to how long you've got before you bleed out beyond no return. But you can't focus, you just can't. Up until now you've been fortunate enough to have escaped the horrors of a gunshot wound, and although you've never exactly thought that dealing with one would be a picnic, you could never have imagined it to be quite this painful, either. But you're not going to be weak, you tell yourself as firmly as you can possibly manage; you've never been weak in the face of pain before and you're determined that you won't be starting now. Besides, you assure yourself, this is one of the busiest corridors in the whole mortuary; someone will be coming down it sooner or later. Someone will come down and find you, get you some help, and you can tell them about the little girl Martha brought down to your office, the little girl whose DNA comparison against Nikki's should be phoned through any moment now, the little girl who has just been taken once more, carried off by a man who will never truly be her father, no matter what the laws of biological science dictate. Because she _was_ Joycelin, you're certain of that now. And you were so cold with her in the brief time she was safe with you, holding her at arms' length just in case, not wanting to get attached, not wanting to get your hopes up and then have them shattered all over again. Why didn't you just trust your instincts and take her straight down to the police station, get everything sorted properly, have her protected? Because she knew that he would come after her; looking back, you realize that all the information you could possibly needed as to what the hell was going on was right there in her eyes, in the fear which clouded her face, but still you didn't spot it. How could you have been so blind? You could have blown your one chance of rescuing Nikki and Harry's daughter from a living nightmare, just like that, and that's why you need to do something, now, to try and save the situation. _Come on Sara, focus. Focus!_

The pain in your leg is beginning to intensify now, and you're becoming increasingly aware of the fact that you're not going to be able to hold on like this an awful lot longer. You glance around frantically, taking in your surroundings properly for the first time since you collapsed onto the floor, trying to come up with some kind of plan. You're just a few metres away from the fire door leading further down the corridor, eventually leading to the reception area of Peppertree Mortuary. The doors are mostly made of glass; if you can just make it to one of them then you can attract someone's attention from the other end of the corridor, get someone's help. You might be unable to think straight but you've managed to retain a certain amount of common sense through the agony, and you know that attempting to stand at this stage is a sure way to do a whole load more damage, maybe even to lose a limb. And so you settle for shuffling across the floor awkwardly like some kind of demented crab, your left hand pressed against your thigh as you try feebly to stop the blood flow, trying to distract yourself from the pain by counting down the seconds until you reach the doors. Just a few more seconds, you tell yourself desperately as your vision begins to blur, refusing to give up when you've managed to make it this far. You're almost there, just a few more seconds…

And just as you make it to the fire doors, just as you're about to slam your full weight into the left hand side, to force it open and collapse through into the next section of the corridor, one step closer to the offices, to the reception area, to help, your whole plan falls apart. You hear it coming before it happens, hear the blaring siren ringing angrily through the corridor, the red lights flashing from the ceiling as the lights begin to dim. Lockdown. Shit.

Letting out an inner cry of despair, you collapse back against the fire door, hoping and praying that you'll catch the doors just before they slam shut. No such luck; you hit into it like a dead weight, the door staying firm. You've always complained that these damn doors are a health and safety hazard, that there's a huge flaw to them. The trouble is, the lockdown alarm forces them shut as a safety precaution, stopping them from being opened simply by pulling of pushing against them like normal. If you want to open the fire doors during a lockdown, you have to flick the catches at the top to ease them open. And being a doctor, you know that there's no way on earth that you're going to be able to muster up the strength to stand, let alone reach up on tiptoes to release the fire door. Talk about timing from hell.

You lean back heavily against the door and spend a moment trying to catch your breath, before running your hand over the pockets of your jeans in one last search for your phone, even though you know full well it won't be there- you remember taking it out of your pocket and placing it on the table in the examination room when you were still with Joycelin, debating whether or not to text Harry, to let him know… but you decided against it. And that means that no one knows you're here, no one's going to be aware of what's happened. Lockdown policy at Peppertree Mortuary requires everyone to evacuate the building but stay on site, so unless by some miracle somebody heads down this corridor on their way out, you're on your own. You're trapped, bleeding out, and with little hope of rescue any time soon. You don't need to be a doctor to know that it's not looking good.

The gunshot wound to your leg is showing no signs of drying up and the blood loss is starting to make you feel incredibly light-headed, so you pull off your jumper and press it against your thigh, fighting to keep calm and ignore the nagging feeling at the back of your mind that it's rather different when you're trying to treat your own injuries. Wincing, you manage to shuffle around a little and press your face to the glass of the door, squinting to make out the figures in the distance and making a mental note to get your eyes checked out when you get out of here. If you get out of here.

You begin to bang your fists against the glass door in desperation, though you're fast running out of energy and you highly doubt anyone can hear you. And no one's coming down this corridor… no one can hear you, despite your frenzied screaming for help, the sound muffled completely by the thick glass. No one's coming for you. No one's going to save you, and Bai Lưu could be on his way out of Cape Town by now with Josi; no one knows, no one's going to rescue her, get her back. You could have missed the one opportunity you had to get her back, all because you went and got yourself shot. God, Niks is going to kill you, isn't she?

**I'M BACK! Sorry it's been so long, but I'm here to stay for a while now and although I didn't manage to do any actual writing while I was away , I've come up with quite a few ideas and I've got a new multi chap planned, separate from my Lighthouse fics, so I'll get working on that soon :) And the final chapter of There you'll be should be up tomorrow, provided I've done OK in my GCSEs and am not busy drowning my sorrows :/ Wish me luck! Good luck to anyone else collecting results tomorrow and to anyone who got A level results last week, hope you got the grades you were hoping for! :)**

**Back to the fic- hope this one was OK- please let me know! And thank you so much to Amy, Dinabar, Izzy, Thyqua, Lizzi, GemS, Freya and Em for all your reviews whilst I was away, did I mention that you are all seriously amazing? :) And as for Sara… I think I've decided what's going to happen to her, but I'm not telling you yet! I know, I know, I'm mean :P **

**Hope you like!**

**Love Flossie xxx**


	46. Recount

**Sorry, I know this is later than usual. It's all been a bit hectic over here- got my GCSE results and they're fine, my family are really proud, I'm trying to feel the same way but I think I'm suffering from Everyone-around-me-did-so-much-better-I'm-not-going-to-get-into-a-good-uni syndrome, which is stupid. Plus I still haven't decided what I'm doing when I get to Uni, which is more important than you might think because it does affect the subjects I choose for AS level, and I've managed to work myself into a really stupid state, which means I haven't felt like writing, got behind on this, etc. But I'm going to snap myself out of it really soon, and get back on top of things. Honest! **

**I'm starting college a week tomorrow too, and I won't be able to write as much then as I have over the summer so I'm trying to stockpile chapters now to compensate. But I'm aiming to keep the updates every other day for you, so we'll see. But I'm not going to let this die! Thank you so much Lizzi, Amy, Izzy, Thyqua, Freya, GemS, Em, Dinabar and Heleni0 for your reviews of the last chapter, you guys really cheered me up. So thank you :)**

**Hope you like, and please drop me a review :)**

**Love Flossie xxx**

**Chapter 45**

**Recount**

**Sunday 10****th**** August 2014**

**-10.20am**

Nikki Alexander sighed, taking a deep breath in an attempt to compose herself, to ensure that she would remain as calm and controlled as possible throughout what was going to happen next. It was about an hour and a half since Harry had arrived at the hospital, most of which had been spent sitting in silence simply taking comfort in one another's company, and she was just beginning to feel a little better, safer; at least more so than she had the night before. She couldn't really remember a lot of it: she just remembered waking up in the dark several times over, disorientated, the vast cocktail of medication she was currently on leaving her unable to think clearly, to distinguish between past and present. Was the darkened room in which she was laying the intensive care ward or the basement in which Bai Lưu had kept her captive? She hadn't known, hadn't been able to tell in the dark, and so the panic and fear had taken over her… she couldn't remember the rest. Only that she had felt so alone, so terrified, so lost…

But it wasn't going to be like that tonight, Nikki told herself firmly. Harry was going to be with her tonight, she would be much calmer with Harry with her, surely? She couldn't remember the last time she had managed to get a good night's sleep; it certainly hadn't been any time in the last 3 years. Sleeping on a hard stone floor in a freezing cold room would be bad enough in itself, but trying to sleep after someone had… had… she couldn't say it, not even to herself. The number of hours she must have spent lying awake in that basement watching her daughter sleep, too traumatized to close her eyes herself… no, Nikki told herself, she wasn't going to think about that anymore. She was safe now, she knew that. So why did she still feel so vulnerable?

In a way, she knew the answer. Nikki knew that she was dreading what she knew was going to happen next, hoping that once the inevitable was over she would feel slightly better in herself. Because in a few minutes, Pieter Lamprecht was going to arrive, and she was going to have to recount her tale, tell him, Harry, everyone, what she had been put through over the last 3 years. And she was dreading it with every bone in her body.

Nikki could see the door beginning to swing open now and held her breath in apprehension, silently praying for it to be somebody else, one of the nurses, anyone. Not that she didn't want to see Pieter, she did, but she wanted to see him as Sara's husband, not as a police officer to whom she was going to have to recount a time in her life which she would much rather forget about, lock away in the back of her mind and never return to. And yet Nikki knew she couldn't, not until she had told Pieter what had happened. She couldn't allow herself to forget until her daughter had been found, not when something she remembered could be crucial in finding her.

"Hi Nikki," Pieter greeted her as he stepped through the door onto the ward, smiling at her sympathetically as he took a seat beside her bed, greeting Harry in turn. No one quite knew how to act around her at the moment, which was one of the things Nikki had come to realize over the past few hours of consciousness since waking up in hospital. It was a difficult situation, she knew that; nobody seemed sure how to strike the balance between relief that she was back with them, sympathy at was she had been through and pity and concern that Joycelin was still missing, still with _him_. Nikki didn't have the faintest clue as to how to manage her emotions herself; she dreaded to think how difficult it must be for everyone around her.

"It's good to have you back," Pieter told her, leaning over to give her a gentle hug. "How are you feeling?"

"I'm OK," Nikki lied, hoping she sounded reasonably convincing. She wasn't, she knew that much, but she wasn't ready to cope with her own feelings, not yet. Not until she had her daughter back. "I'll be better once we've got this over with."

"I'm sure you will," Pieter agreed, giving her that same sympathetic smile. "Come on then, shall we start? I know it's going to be pretty horrific for you, but the sooner we start, the sooner it'll all be over, OK?"

But Nikki just shook her head; it certainly didn't seem that way to her.

"No it won't," she said sadly. "It's not going to be over until we find Josi."

"I know," Pieter sighed as Harry squeezed her shoulders, trying to comfort her. "I know. But I'm going to do everything I can to find her, Nikki, I promise. And if I'm going to do that, I need you to tell me everything you can about the last 3 years, alright?"

"OK." It was shaky, but it was a reply all the same, an acknowledgement that this was going to have to go ahead, whether she liked it or not. And for now, that was going to have to be enough.

"Right, shall we start at the beginning, then?" Pieter asked cautiously, seemingly trying to gage the look on her face before continuing. "Do you remember what happened, the night he took you? We never did work put how he managed to get into the house and get you out again leaving all the doors locked, no sign of a break in."

"That's because he didn't break in, Bai Lưu, I mean," Nikki sighed, knowing there was no way of getting around this. "It wasn't Bai, it was… it was…" But she couldn't say it. She couldn't bear the humiliation which would come hand in hand with everyone knowing what her own father had done to her.

"It was her father," Harry took over as he pulled her close; Nikki was incredibly, incredibly grateful that she had managed to tell him that part of the story earlier that morning. "Victor Alexander- Victor Freeman now, legally, he changed his name. He was working with Bai Lưu all along, he helped kidnap Niks and Josi, helped hold them captive. It's alright," he murmured, lowering his voice so that only Nikki could hear. "It's alright; we're going to catch him, Nikki. He's not going to hurt you again."

"It was your father?" Pieter repeated, looking considerably shocked. "Oh Nikki, I'm so sorry. So what happened? He doesn't have a key to Martha's place, does he?"

"No, he…" Nikki shook her head. "He called me in the middle of the night, I think it was about 3 in the morning, I don't really remember. He said he needed to talk to me urgently, that he'd found out somehow- I can't remember what exactly he said- he just told me that he needed to speak to me, that it was only going to take a couple of minutes. And I should have known after him turning up unannounced and exploding at the hospital a couple of months before that letting him in wasn't a good idea, but it was the middle of the night and I wasn't thinking straight, he wasn't taking no for an answer and I just wanted to get rid of him before I woke someone up, and I think I thought speaking to him might dispose of him quicker, I don't know. So I opened the door, and I remember looking at him for a moment, and then something hit me in the leg, some kind of sedative in a bullet I think, I don't know, and then everything went black and I just remember waking up…"

"OK," Pieter cut her off, scribbling frantically in his police notebook. "OK. So the door was open when you were knocked out; Bai Lưu or your father or someone else connected to them must have caught it before it shut, slipped in and taken Joycelin and then slipped out again, slamming the door behind them. Presumably not your father- we were never able to identify the fingerprints we found at Martha's house and I know the South African police have your father's fingerprints on record from a fraud case a few years ago. So what happened next?" he asked, looking up from the notebook once more. "You said you remember waking up; can you remember where that was?"

Could she remember? The memory was burned firmly into her mind, taunting her, refusing to leave her alone for more than a few minutes at a time.

"Yes," Nikki replied simply, nodding slowly. "It was… that was the room I stayed in for the… the rest of the time he…" She leaned into Harry's chest once more now, wanting him to make it all stop, for everything to go back to the way it was before, back to those brief few weeks after Joycelin's birth when everything had been so perfect.

"I can't do this!" she sobbed, unable to contain her anguish any longer. "Don't make me go over this again, please!"

"You can, Nikki," Harry assured her, gently yet firmly all at once. "You really can, I promise. I know it's horrible, it's all over now and I know you just want to forget, I don't blame you, but we need you to tell us what happened, both for the record and because the slightest detail might help to find Joycelin, you know that. You've just got to be brave for a little bit longer, and then it'll all be over, OK? I promise."

"I can come back tomorrow," Pieter offered. "We can do this tomorrow if you want to, but we're only going to be delaying the inevitable I'm afraid, Nikki, we're going to have to do this one way or another. And the sooner I have your full statement, the sooner I can start going through the case files, adding anything you can tell me to the information the police already have, and maybe that can lead us to Joycelin."

"I know," Nikki managed, trying and failing to sit herself up properly again independently before groaning in frustration and leaning back into Harry's chest, cursing herself for being so weak. "I know, I'm sorry. I think… I think it's going to be better to just do it now, get it over with."

"That's probably best," Pieter agreed. "I can give you a minute to compose yourself if you like…"

"No." Nikki shook her head. "No, I have to do this now. I'm not sure I'll be able to carry on if I stop now." She took a deep breath again, sighing, before trying to continue and then realizing she had made such a fuss that she couldn't even remember what it had all been about.

"Sorry, what was the question?" she asked feebly. "I'm sorry, I can't remember what…"

"It doesn't matter, we can go through it again," Pieter said quickly, clearly concerned that Nikki was going to work herself into a state again. "It's fine. I was just asking you about the room you woke up in. You stayed in the same room for more or less the whole time you were there, is that what you were saying?"

She nodded, again, not trusting herself to speak.

"Can you describe it? Was there a window, anything which might give you an indication as to where you were?"

"There was a window, yes, but you couldn't see much out of it," Nikki sighed, knowing this was going to be little use whatsoever. "I think it must have been in some kind of basement because the window was so narrow and so high up on the wall, there was a mess of wire over it so it couldn't be opened, not that there was any way I was going to be able to get myself through it." she stopped and paused, trying to think. "If you really looked upwards through it sometimes you could see the sky, we used to watch the fireworks at New Year…" Nikki bit down firmly on her tongue, refusing to cry again, to be reduced to a nervous wreck. She might never get to watch New Year fireworks again, might never have the chance to do anything with her again. And that hurt more than anything else in the world.

"What sort of fireworks?" Pieter was scribbling in his notebook once more. "Impressive, public-performance fireworks or back garden fireworks?"

"Back garden-style fireworks, I think," Nikki told him, casting her mind back to the previous New Year.

"OK, that could help," Pieter told her, the positivity in his voice giving Nikki a little hope. "Now, what about the room itself? Can you describe it to me?"

"It was quite small," Nikki began, determined to give the best possible description, even if she wasn't entirely sure that it was going to help. "It reminded me of a prison cell in a sense." She could feel Harry's arms tightening around her now; this was the first time she had spoken to anyone about where she had been held captive, and she knew it was going to be difficult for him to hear.

"It was a small, whitewashed room, it was permanently freezing, there was a bathroom at one end and a door at the other that lead out to a corridor, we had a cot for Josi but that was all in terms of furniture… there's not really much more to tell," she confessed, sighing.

"That's fine," Pieter assured her. "You're doing absolutely fine. So were you with Joycelin the whole time?"

"No, he… he used to take her for a few hours each day, take her out, he called it 'father-daughter time'", Nikki explained bitterly, fighting to retain her self-control. "But he's not her father! He'll never be her father, you're her father!" she was addressing Harry now, not wanting to have offended him, to have made him think that _she _felt like that,that he wasn't still just as important a person in her daughter's life as he had been 3 years ago, even though Joycelin would have no memories of him by now.

"I know," Harry insisted gently, lightly kissing the top of her head. "I know, Nikki. He's nothing to do with her, genetics might say otherwise but who cares about that? We don't value him as her father, and that's what matters, OK? He's nothing to do with her, he never will be."

She just nodded again. "I know. No, she was taken out for a few hours each day, but other than that I was always with her expect for an hour or so in the evenings when he…" But the mere thought of it was too much to care and suddenly she was sobbing once more, clinging to Harry in the hope that he might protect her, desperate to feel safe, for someone to assure her that she would never experience that pain again as long as she lived. But nobody could.

"Except f-for when he t-t-took me out in the evenings and… and he… r-raped m-me!" And with that it all became too much; Nikki collapsed hopelessly into Harry's arms, feeling completely and utterly humiliated and hopeless.


	47. Catching up

**Chapter 46 :) Thank you to everyone who reviewed the last chapter and for your assurance about GCSE grades, Izzy, Amy, Lizzi, GemS and Em- you guys are seriously amazing and I'm so grateful :) I think I've calmed down a bit now which means I've getting back up to speed with this; I'm trying to get ahead of myself so I can keep the updates regular when I start college. **

**I'm a chapter and I bit ahead of myself on this and I've also started work on a new separate multi chap, so you have that to look forward to in the near future. But for now, you have Leo coming back, because I was missing him :) **

**Enjoy, and please let me know what you think,**

**Love Flossie xxx**

**Chapter 46**

**Catching up**

**Sunday 10****th**** August 2014**

**-2.39pm**

"Leo!"

Harry practically sprinted down the corridor towards his friend; it had been a long day already, to say the least, and he was immensely grateful for the older pathologist's company. Not that Martha, Sara and Pieter hadn't been fantastic- they had- but Harry had known Leo for so much longer; he had come to think of him as a second father over the years, and so consequently he was able to offer a level of comfort that few other people could. He hadn't seen Leo since Nikki had been found on the beach near to Sara and Pieter's house, although the two pathologists had kept in touch over the phone during the past 2 days.

But there was a limit to exactly how much could be discussed over the phone, meaning that Harry hadn't told him everything, and he knew that Leo was aware of that. He was going to be desperate for information, desperate to see Nikki, and Harry was going to have to do his best to pass on everything he knew however painful it was to go over, to prepare Leo for the state Nikki was in emotionally, which could be upsetting enough in itself when she worked herself into a state, Harry had come to realize. She was going to be OK, he kept telling himself that, though it wasn't the easiest thing to believe at this stage. It was still early days, Nikki had not even been back with them for 48 hours, and it was no wonder that she was still so deeply traumatized. She was going to get better, but it would take time; she wasn't going to heal overnight. There was still a nagging fear at the back of Harry's mind that Nikki wasn't going to get better, not until she had Joycelin back, but he tried not to think about that. He couldn't think about that; he needed to be strong and positive, for Nikki. She wouldn't have a hope of recovering from her ordeal if she didn't have the support of everyone around her.

"How is she?" Leo asked anxiously as he rushed over to greet his friend, pulling him into a tight embrace.

"She's holding on," Harry told him simply, not wanting to make the situation sound too awful but knowing at the same time that he had to be honest. "She's doing OK. I think she's in a whole lot more pain than she's willing to let on, that and the fact that she's so worried about Joycelin she doesn't seem to be able to focus on anything else for long. But she admitted she was in pain this morning," he sighed, grateful to have someone to talk it all through with. "You know what she's like, she never likes to admit that she's not OK, but she even went as far as to ask for a stronger dose of morphine. And she's so thin, Leo, but she's not eating, I don't know whether it's a psychological thing or physical- the doctors did say they think she's been starved over the past 3 years, that her stomach might have shrunk considerably, but she just can't seem to keep anything down."

"It's only day 2, Harry," Leo reminded him. "She's going to take a while to adjust, we all are. And she's been through such a lot in terms of surgery too, her body might take a few days to start to recover. But she will start to get better, she will. It might just take a little while for us to start to see an improvement."

"I know," Harry sighed. "I know. She's asleep at the moment, but you can still come and see her; she's on a sedative so she's going to be out cold for a while."

"They had to sedate her?" Leo frowned, following Harry onto the intensive care ward.

"Just to get her to rest," Harry explained sadly. "She couldn't sleep last night apparently, kept waking up screaming until the doctors had no choice but to knock her out because she was disturbing everyone else on the ward, I arrived at about 9 this morning and she was doing OK then, but then Pieter had to come in to take her statement as to the events of the entire time she was being held by _him_ and she managed for a little while but then she just couldn't cope with it all. She calmed down after a while but she was completely exhausted, so I tried to get her off to sleep but it was hopeless; she'd be fine for 10 minutes or so but then she'd just start screaming, it was horrible, Leo, like she was having some kind of fit, except she was still asleep. So they knocked her out again in the end, said it wasn't fair for the other patients to have to put up with her screaming."

"Is there no chance of putting her in a private room?"

"I don't know, I haven't asked," Harry confessed. "I doubt they'll be willing to do that until she's off the intensive care ward, although that would mean they could stop sedating her so frequently. But the nurses have given me permission to stay here with her tonight, so hopefully she'll be a bit calmer."

"And how's the investigation going?" Leo asked now as they approached Nikki's bedside, where Martha was sat with her, her back to them. "Do the police have any leads as to finding Joycelin?"

Harry froze, knowing he needed to tell Leo what was happening, but knowing at the same time it was quite possibly going to be the hardest part of all this.

"Let's go back outside," he said quietly, turning around and leading a rather confused looking Leo off of the intensive care ward, back out into the corridor. "Nikki doesn't know this yet; I don't want to risk her waking up and catching on, it might send her over the edge."

"Why? Harry, what's happened? She's not…?"

"We don't know," Harry said sadly, taking a seat beside Leo on the corridor. "Pieter doesn't think so, he thinks Bai Lưu's formed some kind of attachment to Josi- he wants her alive, which is good for us. But…" he swallowed hard. "But the police aren't looking for her, Leo. Pieter's working on the case along with a few of his colleagues, but they're not getting paid for it; I don't know how much longer they'll keep going. The police won't fund any kind of investigation."

"What?" Leo's shock was rather evident. "The police aren't looking for her? But she was kidnapped, for god's sake! She was kidnapped, taken away from her family, from her mother, who was put through hell, why on earth aren't the police searching for her?"

"Because there's a huge flaw in UK and South African law," Harry sighed bitterly, knowing from the look on Leo's face that he was going to have to reveal all now.

"Apparently, just because Bai Lưu is Joycelin's father as a result of statutory rape, that doesn't mean he doesn't get parental rights. Legally, he's her father, which means he's allowed custody of her. Whilst Nikki was still with him the police could prioritize the case because of the fact that he'd hurt her in the past, but now it's just Josi… Technically she's in parental custody, so even though a crime is being committed in the sense that he's not allowing Nikki to see Josi, while there are so many missing children not in the custody of either parent, the case can't be prioritized."

"Oh Harry." Leo was seemingly lost for words. "That's… outrageous."

"I know," Harry sighed bitterly. "I know. But there's nothing we can do. Pieter's sworn to take the case on as his own side project, but I don't know how far he's going to get with minimal resources; it doesn't seem to matter that everyone knows that Bai Lưu seems to be using children as soldiers in some kind of political protest meets civil war- no one's willing to do anything. We could have lost her, Leo," he whispered.

"Harry, we don't know that yet," Leo said firmly. "We don't know. Is there not a way of severing parental custody? What if you adopted Joycelin, could that work?"

"It could," Harry confirmed. "It could. But the trouble is both of those things would require all 4 of us to be present in court: Joycelin, Nikki, Bai Lưu and me. And we can't do that until we find them. It's not just a loophole in the law- it's a bloody great black hole!"

"I'm so sorry," Leo said with feeling, a look of sympathy and worry etched across his face. "I'm so sorry, Harry. But we're not going to give up on her, OK? We won't give up on her; we'll do everything in our power to find her, whether we have the help of the police or not. Look, Pieter's going to keep the investigation going over here, when we get back to London we can dig out the case files from Bai Lưu's Phoenix victims from 2011, go through them with anything new Nikki can tell us and see if we can find a link. There must be something Harry, somewhere, we just haven't found it yet."

"But we know where he wants to take her long-term," Harry replied desperately. "We know he's got this political agenda in North Korea; how on earth are we going to find her if he takes her there? It's hopeless, Leo!"

"Not hopeless," Leo insisted. "It's not hopeless, Harry, you can't think like that." Then he stopped, clearly thinking. "And does Nikki know all this?"

"No, not yet," Harry admitted. "She needs to be told, I know that, but she's been in such a state, Leo, she's only just clinging on as it is. One more thing to deal with and she'll be over the edge, and I can't cope with her getting any worse than she is already mentally, I just can't!"

"No, of course not," Leo agreed. "She's got enough to be coping with it is; I doubt it's exactly how she imagined it, is it? Coming home, I mean."

"I don't think it is, no," sighed Harry. "Nikki's already admitted that. I think some of the things she was put through were so horrific that 'home' became some kind of idealistic dream. I think she thought that would be it, that she'd get away from _him_ and everything would be back to normal, I think that was all that kept her going at times. And now she's starting to realize that simply being back with us isn't going to be a quick fix, that it's all going to be so much harder to deal with. And I don't know how well she's going to be able to adapt to that, let alone without Joycelin."

"We've just got to take it one day at a time, Harry," Leo told him, climbing to his feet. "We'll get her better, I promise. Shall we go and see her?"

She opened her eyes slowly, hesitantly, slightly unsure as to where she was and determined not to freak out as she had so many times before, to embarrass herself all over again. It was bright, that was the first thing she registered, and the brightness was down to daylight, not a small lamp hanging from the ceiling, which meant that she couldn't possibly be back in Bai Lưu's basement; something which calmed her considerably. And she was freezing, she realized as a wave of shivers hit her. She blinked a few times now, trying to focus, before finally getting her bearings: she was lying in a hospital bed, 2 figures sat to her left, one of them grasping her hand tightly. Harry, it was Harry.

"Hey, it's alright," Harry said softly, squeezing her hand a little tighter, having clearly picked up on her momentary confusion. "The doctors gave you a sedative, remember? You've been out for a few hours but you're fine now, OK? You're fine." Then he broke into a wide smile, gesturing to the figure sat next to him, just beginning to swim into focus. "Look, you've got a visitor!"

"Leo?" Not that Nikki didn't recognise him- of course she did- it was simply incredibly difficult knowing how to react to seeing someone you hadn't seen in more than 3 years thanks to having been kidnapped and held captive, as Nikki was beginning to discover. Questioning the obvious seemed to be working out rather well for her for now.

"That's right." He reached over now to hug her gently, pulling Harry down with him into a 3-way embrace. "It's good to have you back."

"Thanks." 'Good to have you back', that was a new one. Nikki decided it was one of her favourites; it acknowledged the fact that she had been away from everyone for so long without delving too deep into the details, bringing the bad memories to the surface. She would have to store that one for future reference.

"How's Janet?" Nikki asked shakily, knowing what she was going to have to ask next and suddenly feeling overwhelmed with a huge sense of jealousy and hurt, yet determined not to let Leo hear it in her voice. "And Jasper?"

"They're fine, fantastic," Leo told her; Nikki could hear the sensitivity in his voice and she was immensely grateful. "Jasper's doing great; we've got a younger one as well now, Jacob."

"Congratulations!" Despite Nikki's best efforts her voice sounded strained, painful; trying to sound pleased for Leo whist thinking of her own child, of how she might never see her again, never get to experience her child grow up as Leo would. How was she meant to live with that? How was she meant to spend the rest of her life watching everyone around her with their children, being a mother, a father, feeling needed in a way only a parent could? She didn't want to become distant, to block Leo, Janet and their children out of her life simply because she couldn't bear to look at them, to be reminded of everything she had lost. She hadn't even seen Jasper and Jacob yet but already she was experiencing a new sense of despair and hurt, fear for her own child and anger at the world for being so unfair. Why did this have to happen to her? Why? Out of all the people in the world, why did it have to be her; what had she ever done to anyone? It wasn't like she was asking for the world, being selfish; she just wanted to be everyone else, to raise her daughter herself, to have her with her, to be able to love and care for her in the real world, away from Bai Lưu, her father, anyone who might ruin that perfect family she had experienced with Harry for a few brief weeks after Joycelin's birth. That was all she wanted. Was that really too much to ask for?


	48. Harry's diary 2

**Chapter 47 :) Sorry for the delay, been stocking up on clothes etc for college next week. And trying to get slightly ahead of myself before essays/coursework and other horrible stuff starts, which is going quite well so far :) Big hugs to Em, Amy, Dinabar, Izzy and Lizzi for your reviews, glad to hear that you're still enjoying and pleased that Leo is back! He's not in this one, but he is in the chapter I'm writing at the moment, so there will be more of him soon, how soon depends on the number of reviews :)**

**Hope you like!**

**Love Flossie xxx**

**Chapter 47**

**Harry's Diary**

**Monday 11****th**** August 2014**

**-4.10am**

Am beginning to see why the doctors here decided to sedate Nikki last night. And apparently she's been better so far tonight than yesterday- dread to think what sort of state she must have been in on Saturday night, poor thing. Started trying to get her to sleep at around 10pm, but think what with all the times she's woken up in a panic, she can't possibly have had more than 2 hours' worth of sleep. She's going to be a wreck come the morning.

**-4.11am**

Looks relatively peaceful now, almost like the old Nikki, before all this. Won't last for long, though. Think she's been asleep for about 25 minutes which seems to be the longest she can go without the nightmares start up again. Is almost like having a baby, although actually, don't think Joycelin was ever this bad. And she was much better at dropping off to sleep once she was sorted; Nikki seems to take forever to relax enough to sleep. Plus is the lightest sleeper known to man, so each time the nurses come down to deal with someone else on the ward and make too much noise she's awake again, can't quite remember where she is, begins to get worked up and then can't relax enough to go back to sleep. Is nightmare in itself. Don't care though even though am starting to feel rather tired, would stay up all night every night with her forever if necessary. Although think would have to give up work if did that; don't think would be able to perform adequate PMs on just 3 hours sleep every night.

**-4.12am**

Not that it's going to come to that, of course. She's going to get better, it just might take a while. Still seems pretty hopeless at the moment, but that's because she's only just been rescued. She's going to be fine.

**-4.15am**

But what if she's not? What if she never gets better? The hospital psychologist did say that there could be significant emotional and mental damage, that we won't have a clear idea until she's adjusted to being rescued, being back to normal. To being without Joycelin. Not sure she's ever going to adjust to that. But what if, when in a few months' time when the psychologist is able to assess her properly, they find that she's horribly damaged and unlikely to ever go back to the way she was before? Probably best not to think about that now.

**-4.17am**

Ohhh, think she might be starting to have another nightmare. After 7 hours of this am starting to recognise the signs; think she's frowning ever-so-slightly. Not sure whether to wake her up or not. Don't want her to get herself into state so might be better to just wake her and be done with it.

**-4.18am**

On the other hand, there's a chance that she might just be dreaming and about to relax any minute, in which case waking her up when she's had so much trouble getting off to sleep would be completely and utterly idiotic. Maybe I should just leave her for a bit, stop worrying so much?

**-4.19am**

Maybe not, she's started screaming in her sleep. Damn, should have acted on instinct and woken her before, when she was still relatively calm.

"Nikki, it's alright. Come on, it's just a dream, he's not here, he's not going to hurt you again. Shhh, it's alright, you're alright. Nikki, come on, breathe, calm down."

Note to self: ask nurses again about getting Nikki moved into a private room in the morning. Trying to calm her down quietly whilst she's terrified and screaming her head off is not the easiest thing to do.

"Nikki, come on, you're fine, you're absolutely fine, I promise, sweetheart. You're OK, but I need you to calm down for me, yes? You're safe now. You're safe."

Not sure if she's asleep or awake, think she might possibly be somewhere in between. Is moving around a little bit but could just be tossing and turning in her sleep, not sure. Surely she should have woken herself up with all the screaming by now, as horrible as that sounds?

"Nikki?" Looks like her eyes are open now; can't really tell in the dark. "Are you awake, sweetheart?"

"Harry? Harry, has… is… he's not…?"

"He's not here Nikki, it's just us, you're fine, I promise." Not sure if that's what she was asking, but don't think am going to get anything more out of her just now. At least she's not in full-on panic mode, seems to be just confused, not hyperventilating. Yet.

"But it really hurts Harry, it feels like… like…"

"I know, but I've been here the whole time, Nikki, he hasn't been here, no one else has come near you all night, honestly. The doctors said it was going to start hurting more after a couple of days, didn't they, remember? It'll all settle down, but you've just got to be brave for a little while, OK? It's all going to be fine."

"What if I can't?"

How on earth am I supposed to answer that one?

"Well, that's all hypothetical, Niks, because I know you can. I know you're strong enough to hold on, no matter how hard it gets. Now come on, you need to go back to sleep, or else you're going to be shattered in the morning."

"I'm already shattered. Harry?"

"Hmm?"

"Have they found Josi yet?"

"Nikki, it's the middle of the night…"

"So what? It's the middle of the night, so no one's going to bother looking for her? She's all alone, Harry, she's all alone with only _him_ for company, and you want to stop searching for her because it's the middle of the night!"

Damn, was clearly completely the wrong thing to say. Going to have to turn this one around fast- even in the dark can see the nurses beginning to give me death glares.

"No, of course, not. I just meant that it's quiet, so we would have heard my mobile go off, wouldn't we?"

"And Pieter knows to let us know the moment he finds her? He knows to tell us first?"

Where on earth is this coming from?

"Of course he does, Nikki, we're her parents. Come on, it's late, you need to try and get back to sleep." Am now trying to lie her back down comfortably and tuck her in one handed as other hand is tightly clasped in hers, not as easy as it sounds.

"Don't want to."

"Nikki, you have to sleep…"

"No, you don't understand!"

"Shhh, Nikki, shhh. What don't I understand?"

"I don't w-w-want to sleep b-b-because…" Think this must be 14th time she's been reduced to tears tonight, is truly heart-breaking. Can't stand to see her upset, especially under present circumstances. "B-b-because I keep d-dreaming that… that we find her and then… my father t-takes her, says I'm n-n-not fit to be her mother and h-he should look after her…"

"And that's not going to happen, Nikki. No way is that going to happen. He's not coming near either of you again, not after what he did. And no one is ever, ever going to believe that you're unfit to be a mother to Joycelin, I promise you that. Ever." Am suddenly becoming aware of death glare from bed next to Nikki's, evident even in dark. Think we might just be starting to piss people off.

"We'll talk about this again in the morning, OK? But for now, you just need to get some sleep. And Nikki, listen, if any stupid ideas like that even enter your head, then ignore them. No one's going to accuse you of being a bad mother, that's the last thing anyone would think. Now sleep."

**-4.27am**

God, she's freezing. No wonder she can't sleep, anyone would struggle at that body temperature. How is it even possible to be so cold in Africa? Going to give her my half of duvet in addition to hers, least I can do. And partly because can't put up with her shivering much longer. Think am going to have to bring her a hot water bottle tomorrow.

**-4.34am**

Hmm, seems to be asleep for now, thank god. Think the extra duvet helped. Should probably follow her example, but am terrified she'll have another nightmare and I will sleep through it oblivious, being incredibly tired and very heavy sleeper. What to do… will have to think about it.

**-4.35am**

Have thought about it. Is no way am prepared to risk not waking up if and when she has another nightmare, am just going to have to stay awake and be in semi-zombie-like state tomorrow. But don't care. Not if is going to help Nikki.

**-4.56am**

Might need minimum of 4 triple espressos tomorrow morning, though.


	49. Moving forward

**Sorry about the wait- been checking I have everything ready for college, clearing bedroom of GCSE revision books, etc. So here's the next chapter, and thank you so much Em, GemS, Tigpop, Lizzi and Izzy for your reviews of the last one- this story getting this far really is down to you :) Anyone else out there reading too? You know the drill, please do let me know what you think whether you've reviewed already or not, it would make my day :) And please check out my new fic, The Obsession, if you haven't already :)**

**Love Flossie xxx**

**Chapter 48**

**Moving Forward**

**Monday 11****th**** August 2014**

**-11.20am**

"Daddy?" Joycelin Alexander, or Hong-hanh Lưu, as she would now be called, looked up at her father in confusion as he led her through the airport. "Daddy, where are we going?"

Bai Lưu looked down at his daughter as he rummaged through his bag, pulling out their passports. They weren't real passports, of course; he had arranged for them to be months ago, knowing that smuggling his daughter, Nikki's daughter, out of South Africa was going to be practically impossible under the circumstances on their genuine passports. And Joycelin was beginning to get suspicious now; he knew he was going to have to be careful. She hadn't mentioned her mother since Friday afternoon when the pair of them had been separated; he was hoping that the book he had read on psychological trauma in toddlers had it right, that she would block it all out of her mind, that she would pretend to herself that it hadn't happened over and over until she forgot about it entirely. He needed her to forget; the last thing he needed was her pining over her mother. She didn't need Nikki anymore, not now she had him.

"Daddy? Where are we going?"

'Good question,' Bai sighed to himself; he hadn't quite decided. His original plan had been to dump a gravely injured Nikki in the sea and leave her there, alerting her friends as to where she was on the basis that she would be dead when she was finally found. No one would know what had happened or what his plans were, leaving Bai free to escape out to the Phoenix Movement base in China, Joycelin in tow. But a precautionary visit to the airport had rendered that plan useless. Either Nikki must have survived or someone had tipped the police off; extra passport checks were being carried out on those flying with children out to South East Asian countries. Which, Bai didn't know, but he didn't especially care; he had better things to worry about than Nikki Alexander. No one was going to look too hard for the child anyway; he knew the law on that, he had checked up on it long ago. Joycelin was his until he no longer needed her.

But the police checks meant that flying out to South East Asia straight away was far too risky, Bai had realized that much. And yet they couldn't stay in South Africa, either. And so he and Joycelin were simply going to have to choose an alternative destination, to get out of South Africa and stay somewhere else for a few weeks, then continue on their journey to the Chinese-Korean border. They would get there. It was just going to take considerably longer than planned.

"I'm not sure," he told Joycelin, taking her hand and leading her over to the customer services desk. "I'm not sure yet. We're going on an adventure, Hong-hanh, we're going to make it up as we go along, OK? It's going to be fun."

But Joycelin didn't look convinced as Bai let go of her hand and began enquiring about available flights, and quite frankly, Bai didn't blame her. She didn't want to be here, he knew that much, didn't want to be doing this. But he wasn't about to spare her, not now, not after coming so far, committing so many offences, risking so much. She was going to do exactly what she had been born to do, and there was no way he could afford to let her get away with anything less.

**Thursday 14****th**** August 2014**

**-7.32am**

The next few days went by in something of a blur, to Harry, at least. He hardly left the hospital, becoming a permanent fixture at Nikki's bedside.

Apart from the fact that after 3 years apart, he didn't want to waste a moment of time with her, Harry was simply too afraid to leave Nikki's side. She was fragile, he had known that from the start, but the more time went by, the more he began to realize just _how _fragile she was. Sometimes she would manage an hour or so in a relatively calm state, but then she would crash right down to rock bottom in a matter of seconds, screaming, sobbing, unable to think of anything but their daughter and the pain she might be going through, the fate she was almost certainly going to meet unless she was rescued, and fast. And those thoughts were capable of working her into such an impossibly deep state of panic that it could sometimes take over an hour to ease her out of.

It was a thousand times worse for Nikki, as Harry knew only too well. He was terrified for their daughter too, terrified that he might never see her again, that she could be put through a living hell and then meet a horrible untimely end when it was all over. But his pain was nothing compared to Nikki's. he loved Joycelin unconditionally, so much so that he rarely thought about the fact that she wasn't biologically his child. That didn't matter. But no matter how much her loved her, the fact remained that Nikki and Joycelin had been through so much together, so much that he couldn't even imagine. He'd had 3 years to get used to the idea of never seeing either of the two people he loved most in the world again; he'd already had years to get used to the idea of never seeing either of the two people he loved most in the world again; he'd already been through the grieving process once, and so although he was once again devastated, feeling as if he had lost his daughter all over again, he knew how to handle living with the pain now, had become incredibly well practiced.

But Nikki hadn't had anything of the sort. She had spent the past 3 years trapped within in a living hell, simply surviving from day to day, nothing more, with just their daughter for company. She had come to rely on her hugely, that much was clear; Nikki had already admitted that Josi's presence was the only thing which had kept her even remotely sane. And now her lifeline had been pulled from under her, the life she had hated but still adapted to had been changed forever, part for the better, part for the worse. It was all changing too fast for her, Harry thought. She was just so traumatized that she couldn't cope with all the change, even though it was a change for the better, a huge, huge improvement in her life. And how on earth was she supposed to begin to get used to things as they had been before when the one thing which had kept her through years in captivity, her daughter, had been taken from her?

They had settled into something of a routine now, the two of them. After several nights of screaming and waking everyone else on the ward with her panic attacks and fits, the doctors and hospital staff had finally agreed to move Nikki (and Harry) into a private room. It made life a whole lot easier for the both of them in terms of actually managing to get some sleep: on the main ward, Nikki often ended up spending half the night lying awake for prolonged periods of time, terrified, afraid to close her eyes and allow a new wave of nightmares to hit her, and as soon as she became so exhausted that she no longer even had the energy to dream, or so it seemed, it was morning, and there was so much noise around her that she hadn't a hope of catching up on some much-needed sleep. Now, however, both Harry and Nikki were able to sleep in for a little longer in the mornings, meaning that they weren't quite as exhausted as they would have otherwise been. Harry was still trying to make a point of not letting her sleep in too long, worrying that she was becoming nocturnal, but so far nothing seemed to be stopping the nightmares. How much more emotional torment was she going to be put through?

Persuading Nikki to eat anything in the way of breakfast was Harry's next challenge of the day. Her intestine was healing well and so Harry wondered if not wanting to eat was a psychological thing rather than due to physical pain; he didn't know. All he did know was that food was fast becoming a major issue, and he was terrified, terrified that if he kept on at Nikki about eating then she was only going to become more determined to not to, to get him back, to spite him, and yet at the same time he was scared to let her simply not eat, knowing both from what the doctors had told him and from simply looking at her that her current weight was far from healthy. She certainly couldn't afford to lose any more. Did Nikki realize that? Harry didn't know. But he wasn't about to tell her some of the things the doctors were considering if she didn't start eating properly soon; that would either trigger an explosion or send her into an emotional state, he was sure of it. How could he tell her, knowing the mess she was in mentally at the moment, that if she didn't manage to hold down something vaguely substantial soon then the nutrition drip she was on would no longer be enough and she would end up having more surgery in order for a Gastrostomy tube to be inserted directly into her stomach? That would go down horribly, Harry knew, but it might shock some sense into her, make her try a little harder… No. No, he couldn't do that to her, it wasn't fair, not on top of everything else. He was just going to have to continue encouraging her subtly, hoping that the initial shock of being in hospital, back in the real world, being away from Joycelin, or whatever it was that was preventing her from getting better would wear off soon, that Nikki would start taking at least a few small steps towards getting back to normal. Because even now, almost a full week on, it all still seemed so hopeless.

Today though, Harry decided as he emerged from the small bathroom attached to the Nikki's hospital room, hoping and praying that she was still asleep and hadn't noticed he had gone, was going to be different. He was going to try and get her out of bed and dressed today, take her out, even if it was only going to be to somewhere as exciting as the hospital canteen. Nikki had, after all, gone from being enclosed within one room to being enclosed in another; she had been back with them a week and still she hadn't seen anything even vaguely resembling normal life. Perhaps if he could get her out of that room, give her a small taste of normality, she would start to improve a little, both mentally and physically.

Thankfully, Harry found Nikki still fast asleep; that night had been a particularly bad one, and so all things considered he wasn't terribly surprised. She lay half on her side, half on her stomach with the most part of her weight resting on her still-infected gunshot wound, something which Harry knew was going to cause her considerable pain when she woke up. And so he dressed quickly, thinking over the events of the past week as he did so.

After being surprisingly open for the first couple of days after her rescue, Nikki had suddenly hit rock bottom soon after giving her statement to Pieter. It was as if she had been holding herself together until that point, keeping herself going on the basis that she was the only person who might be able to help find Joycelin, the only person with potentially key information. But once that had been relayed she had sunk into a sort of depressed breakdown, barely sleeping, spending the vast majority of her time curled up at the end of her bed with Harry, clinging to him tightly with her knees pulled up to her chest, barely moving, barely acknowledging anyone else's presence. She wasn't even crying about it all now, not losing her temper, raging, wailing- that only happened at night, and even then she now refused to talk. She couldn't go on like this, Harry knew that much; she would destroy herself. And that was why he was going to make it his mission to snap her out of it, get her better, whatever it took.

"Nikki?" he said softly, leaning over to shake her shoulders slightly, hoping his action wasn't going to startle her. "Nikki, come on, it's time to wake up."

Her whole body jolted slightly and Harry held his breath, watching as her eyes snapped open and she stared at him for a few moments, her eyes wide with fear. Then she visibly relaxed as the recognition flooded over her face, sitting herself up slowly, painfully.

"What time is it?" Harry had to strain considerably to hear her.

"8.30 exactly," he told her. "Now come on, I know you're tired, but you need to get up now. I'm taking you down to the canteen for a coffee and breakfast; I thought it would be nice to get out of this room for a while."

"Harry, I can't go out in public, I'm a mess," Nikki sighed softly, leaning back against the pillows. She didn't have much in the way of self-esteem left, Harry had known that already. Yet another area to add to his list of things to work on.

"Nikki, you're not a mess, you look absolutely beautiful," he told her sincerely, sighing as she raised her eyebrows; she clearly didn't believe him. "You are, my love, you really are, you just don't realize it. I brought you some clothes and some makeup when I came out here last week; you'll probably feel better for getting changed into something other than a hospital gown, for getting out of here for a little while. Now come on," he paused as he slipped his arms gently around Nikki's waist, guiding her out of bed and repositioning her so that he would be able to support her fully. "Just for a while, just down to the hospital canteen; we're not going out properly. It'll make you feel better, I promise."


	50. Talk

**Sorry, I know this is later than usual; college is going well so far I think but it's also pretty hectic! So I'm hoping to catch up a bit this weekend :) But for now, here's the next chapter, and I promise to try and be a bit better at updating next week! Thank you so much to Dinabar, GemS, Lizzi, Izzy, Amy and Em for your reviews; you guys are all seriously amazing :) Hope you enjoy!**

**Love Florencia xxx**

**Chapter 49**

**A Talk**

**Thursday 14****th**** August 2014**

**-9.05am**

Harry left Nikki at a table near to the counter, ensuring he would be able to see her from the queue before getting up to order their breakfast. It had taken a little while to persuade Nikki that she looked presentable but he had managed it eventually; then he had been faced with the task of actually getting her down to the canteen. Although she hadn't left the room so far during her hospital stay, Nikki had been up out of bed a handful of times each day, and so Harry had assumed she would be fine walking down to the canteen. Wrong. Perhaps it was the fact that she had spent the past 3 years confined to a small room with no way of stretching her legs more than a couple of metres, perhaps it was the amount of weight she had lost on top of the fact that she still wasn't eating properly, leaving her energy levels at an all-time-low. Harry didn't know. But whatever the problem was, it had caused Nikki to near collapse halfway down the corridor, saved only by Harry's arms around her waist. She was so weak that she couldn't even manage a short walk down to the hospital canteen; that was incredibly difficult to bear. He hadn't realized the situation had become quite so desperate. And so Harry had ended up carrying her the rest of the way to the canteen area, placing her down on one of the hard plastic chairs and praying she was going to be OK. He wasn't sure he could stand it if she got any worse.

He headed back over to their table in silence, smiling at her reassuringly as he placed the tray of coffee and croissants onto the table. She smiled back; a small, hesitant smile, but a smile all the same, giving Harry a little hope.

"You alright now?" he asked her gently, placing a cup of coffee and one of the croissants in front of her. "I'm sorry, I should have known…"

"It's fine," Nikki insisted quietly, her eyes fixed firmly on the table top as she slowly stirred her coffee. "It's fine, you weren't to know. I just…" she looked up at him now, and despite the hurt and anguish visible in her eyes Harry was relieved; relieved that she was finally talking to him. "I just feel so weak."

"I know," Harry sighed, reaching out over the table to place his hand over hers. "I know. But you've been through a hell of a lot, operations aside; it's going to take you a while to recover." He braced himself now, tilting her chin gently until she was looking directly into his eyes, not entirely sure how this next part was going down. "But you need to look after yourself, Nikki, or else you're never going to be able to recover properly. And that means you need to eat."

She looked down at the table again now, a slightly guilty expression on her face.

"I know," she said softly, her voice almost inaudible. "I know that really, I do. It's just…" she looked up at him again now, almost apologetically. "I feel like I need to punish myself. I'm her mother, Harry, I was supposed to protect her, and I think I do know deep down that there wasn't anything I could have done, but… I don't know, I just feel like I've failed her. I just feel like at least a part of it all must be my fault, that I should have to pay for that. And it makes me feel better, Harry, in a strange sort of way, knowing I'm starving myself. It just… I don't know, it numbs the emotional pain, I guess. I just don't know what else to do anymore." Her voice sounded weak, defeated, as if she had given up the battle already. And that scared Harry more than anything else.

"Do you want to get better, Nikki?" he asked cautiously, turning her hand over in his own. "Tell me honestly, do you want to get better?"

"Of course I do," she confessed, her eyes pleading with him. "I'm not stupid; I know I look disgusting, I just feel like I need to… I don't know…"

"You feel like you need to punish yourself," Harry finished for her. "Nikki, let's get one thing straight: you do _not_ look disgusting. You've been through hell and back, yes, you've got some nasty injuries, but they'll heal, you've just got to give them time. And you've lost a lot of weight, but there's a simple solution to that one: you just need to allow yourself to eat. You're going to make yourself really horribly ill if you don't, Nikki, and that's not going to help anyone. I don't want to see you like that; nobody does, and I'm sure… I'm sure no matter how much Josi misses you, how much she wishes you were still with her, the last thing she would want would be for you to starve yourself on her part. She's not going to blame you for any of this, Nikki, nobody blames you, and so you can't blame yourself; you can't live the rest of your life feeling like all this is all your fault."

"But I can't live the rest of my life without her, Harry!" Nikki protested sadly. "I can't."

"I know you can't, I don't think I can either," Harry sighed, worried that this was all going to go horribly wrong. "But we're going to have to, Niks. We're going to have to keep holding on, because we could get her back at any time, Nikki, any time at all. And if we give up that fight and Joycelin is found, then she's not going to have her mummy and daddy, is she? We can't give up, either of us."

"But everyone else has given up on her," Nikki sighed, picking up her croissant and examining it as if it were a kidney or a heart during a Post Mortem, then sighing again and dropping it back onto her plate. She knew that the police weren't prioritizing the investigation into Joycelin's disappearance anymore, knew that according to the law, Bai Lưu was technically allowed custody of their daughter. Harry hadn't wanted to tell her, had known that it was going to almost certainly send her even deeper into a state of depression. But at the same time, he had also known that Nikki was going to kill him later if he wasn't honest upfront, would never forgive him for not telling her the truth, giving her false hope. And so he had told her the truth a couple of days after she had spoken to Pieter, assured her that even though the actual police force were not looking for their daughter, Pieter was not going to give up on her, not now, not ever. He could only hope that she believed him.

"Not everyone," said Harry firmly. "We haven't given up hope, Nikki, nor has Pieter, nor have Leo and Janet, Sara, Martha… we all still believe that she's going to be found. And the police did agree to check flights heading out to South East Asia, remember? _He_ can't have taken her out of the country, or we would have known about it, which means she must be somewhere. And we'll do everything possible to find out where that somewhere is. I can't promise that we'll find her, you know I can't," he sighed, watching Nikki intently for a reaction, making sure she wasn't beginning to lose it. She seemed to be coping relatively well given the topic of conversation, and so he persevered, hoping he wasn't pushing his luck. "I wish I could promise you we'll find her, and I would if I could, but I can't, and it wouldn't be fair to promise you something I can't guarantee. But we're just going to take it one day at a time, and I promise you, you'll start to feel a little better soon. Not that you won't still miss Josi terribly, won't still worry about her," he said quickly, seeing the look on Nikki's face. "You will. But trust me, as time goes by you'll learn to live with it. You'll keep going because you have to. Now come on," he said, as firmly as he could without losing the lighter tone to his voice. "Eat. You'll feel better, I promise."

"OK!" There was even the ghost of a smile on her face now and her voice wasn't as tired and defeated as it had been an hour or so ago. There was hope. And so Harry approached the next subject on his tick list, hoping and praying that this wasn't going to go down too badly.

"Nikki, listen," Harry said slowly, nervously. "I know you said you didn't want to last weekend, but you've had a chance to think about it now… do you think it might help to speak to the hospital counsellor? I'm not suggesting that there's anything wrong with you, Niks, not in the slightest; I just think that you've been through an awful lot, and it might help to talk it all through with someone independent, someone outside the situation."

He had expected an explosion. He had expected Nikki to scream and shout, infuriated, to tell him that she was fine, that the last thing she needed was to be forced to talk to a shrink against her will, that it hadn't helped in the slightest the last time around and certainly wouldn't this time. But that didn't happen. Instead, Nikki simply held his gaze a few moments longer, thinking. And that action was followed up by something which Harry could never have anticipated. A slow yet definite nod of the head.

"And she actually agreed to this of her own accord?" Leo asked Harry bewilderedly a few hours later. He had arrived at the hospital a few minutes earlier thinking he was going to see Nikki, only to have Harry to tell him that she was currently seeing the hospital counsellor; persuading Nikki to do anything of the sort in the past had been practically impossible.

"Believe it or not, yes," Harry confirmed. "I think she finally realized that she does need to talk it all through with someone, and perhaps someone coming to all of this from afresh might be easier to talk to."

"I don't know what you said, but you're a miracle worker," said Leo, following his friend down the corridor towards the canteen. Whether or not Nikki was actually going to open up to the counsellor, he didn't know, but it certainly didn't hurt to try. They were, after all, now at the point at which they would try anything if they thought it might help.


	51. Counselling Part 1

**Chapter 50 :) Huge hugs and thank yous to GemS, Izzy, Emma, dinabar, Amy and Lizzi for your reviews, you guys are fantastic and really do keep both me and this story going! So thank you :) Don't think there's really anything else to say for now, except please do review and I hope it's OK :)**

**Love Flossie xxx**

**Chapter 50**

**Counselling Part I**

**Thursday 14****th**** August 2014**

**-11.09am**

"How are you feeling now, within yourself?" That was the first question the hospital counsellor- Dr Beerman- posed to her. Nikki thought for a moment, considering the question, knowing that she was going to have to be honest.

"I don't know," she admitted. "I don't really know how to describe it. Numb, I suppose, like I haven't quite accepted the situation I've found myself in. But then sometimes I feel quite the opposite; I just feel so overwhelmed with it all, like everything's falling apart and I can't do anything to stop it. But then I suppose everything as I know it is falling apart," she sighed, pulling her knees up to her chest.

"Because your daughter's missing?"

"It's not just that, though," Nikki admitted, resting her chin on her knees. "I… I don't know how much you were told…?"

"I know the basics," Dr Beerman told her, her voice changing slightly as the topic of conversation became somewhat more grim. "I gather that you've had a rather horrific 4 years."

Nikki shrugged, fiddling with the hem of her top; one Harry had brought her from her wardrobe back home which had been one of her favourites 3 years ago, but which seemed to swamp her now. "That's one way of putting it." She wasn't quite sure if she had been aiming light-hearted, but it certainly didn't come out that way.

"And you've given a police statement, haven't you, regarding the basic details of what happened?" The counsellor paused as Nikki nodded wearily.

"I'm not going to ask you to go through it all again, don't worry," Dr Beerman assured her quickly, before continuing. "You've lived through it all now; you don't want to go through it all again chronologically. That isn't necessarily going to help. But I think what would help, is if you talk to me about the emotions you're associating with the last 3 years right now, how you felt at the beginning of those 3 years, how you were feeling towards the end, how those feelings have changed since you've been out of … well, captivity, for lack of a better word. Is that OK?"

"Sure." Nikki nodded slightly, her mind racing. She was determined not to panic, not to break down and cry as she had done so many times before when confronted with this subject. "At the beginning… I think I was a bit shell-shocked for the first few weeks, I don't remember much…"

"But the parts that you do remember?"

Nikki sighed, bracing herself as she took a deep breath, knowing that this wasn't exactly going to be easy to talk about. "Terror. Worry- not for me, for my daughter…"

"Joycelin? And she was just a couple of months old at the time, is that right?"

Nikki nodded slowly, before continuing; although she had been incredibly apprehensive as to talking about her feelings, now she had started it was as if everything was spilling out of her all at once and she just wanted to get it out.

"I think I was in denial at first. Or maybe denial's not the right word, I don't know… I've… I don't know if Harry told you… I've been kidnapped a few times before- I'm a forensic pathologist- a certain amount of danger comes with job and I guess I have a knack of finding my way into dangerous situations. But no matter how much trouble I'd managed to get myself into in the past, I'd always been rescued within a few hours, and so I think at first…" Nikki bit down on her lip firmly, adamant that she was going to keep the tears at bay, that she wasn't going to break down, and yet despite her determination it still didn't seem to be working.

Thankfully though, Dr Beerman seemed to have got the general idea.

"And so, given your past experiences with being kidnapped, you assumed that it would only be a few hours until you were rescued? You took comfort in thinking it was only a matter of time, but then the hours turned into days, into weeks, months, eventually years. Is that right?"

"Am I really that predictable?"

"No, not at all," Dr Beerman insisted. "It's a completely natural mentality. Though there must have come a point at which you realised that no one was coming?"

"I think it was about 2 weeks in," Nikki recalled painfully. "I think… I think I survived up until then living purely on hope, thinking that it was only a matter of time before someone came, but…" she trailed off, wiping at her eyes furiously at the tears began to flow freely and the sniffing turned to sobbing. "Harry doesn't know this, no one does…."

"That's OK. Sometimes it's easier to talk to someone you don't know; you can't feel as if they're going to judge you, you can't be afraid of their reaction. Whatever it is, you can tell me, Nikki. This is all confidential; I'm not going to tell anyone."

"I know," Nikki replied. "I know. No I… I think it was about 2 weeks in when it finally hit home that we were stuck there for the foreseeable future, Joycelin and I… Do we have to do this now?" she asked tearfully, her eyes beginning to swim. "I don't know if I can do this now, I'm sorry, I…"

"It's fine," Dr Beerman told her gently, clearly picking up on her patient's distress. "It doesn't matter; it's fine. But Nikki, it's going to be so much harder to start all over again another day, don't you think? It's your choice, of course, but it might be best to continue now you've started, to save yourself from having to psyche yourself up all over again." She stopped, watching Nikki intently. "I can ask Harry to come in and join us, if you'd like? That way, you'd only have to talk about this once; Harry will know how you're feeling, which parts of the last 3 years- even 4- stand out particularly in your mind. If he knows what's troubling you the most, he'll be able to help you."

"OK." Nikki's reply was so faint that it could hardly be heard.

"I'll just go and get him for you, then," Dr Beerman smiled reassuringly, getting up from her chair and heading for the door. Nikki leaned over to the cabinet beside her bed to pull a handful of tissues from the tissue box positioned there. A moment later Dr Beerman reappeared with Harry in tow, who practically bounded across the room towards her, sitting down beside her on the bed and wrapping his arms tightly around her, uncurling her fingers from around her handful of tissues and extracting them, one hand resting gently on her shoulder as he dabbed at her eyes with a tissue, wiping away her tears.

"It's alright," he whispered, leaning in to kiss her softly. "It's all OK now. I'm not going anywhere, I promise."

"Are you ready to carry on, Nikki?" Dr Beerman asked after a couple of minutes. "You were telling me about the moment you first began to realize that you and your daughter were stuck in that basement room for the foreseeable future, remember?"

"OK," Nikki nodded slowly, gripping Harry's hand tightly before continuing. "It was about 2 weeks in, like I said before, it was just Josi and me all day and _him_ with me at night…" she shuddered a little, sighing, suddenly overwhelmed by painful yet powerful memories.

_It was still freezing. She had thought that she would adapt after a while, get used to the constant cold temperature of Bai Lưu's basement prison, and yet here she was, almost 2 weeks in and still permanently shivering, or so it seemed. It was late at night and she had been thrown back into her prison after another horrific encounter with Bai Lưu roughly half an hour ago; her whole body ached horrendously, and yet there was nothing she could do about it. No access to painkillers and no chance of her taking anything whilst she was still breast feeding Joycelin anyway- she wouldn't risk taking anything Bai Lưu or any of the others gave her, not without knowing exactly what it was. _

_Her stomach began to rumble noisily but she blocked it out firmly, knowing that there was no point thinking of food. She had become familiar with the routine here now, and she knew that food came once every other day, every day if she was lucky; the bare minimum required to keep her alive. And it was beginning to take its toll on her, Nikki knew that. And through her, it was beginning to take its toll on her daughter. Joycelin was still only 3 months old and completely dependent on Nikki as her mother for food, but as Nikki knew only too well, and was beginning to discover all over again through a real life scenario, the body only produced milk if it was receiving enough nutritional intake to do so. And it seemed that when you were living off a small bowl of rice every other day, producing milk was not high on your body's priority list. _

_Joycelin began to wail once more in her arms, and Nikki sighed, knowing exactly what was wrong and knowing that for the first time, there wasn't a thing she could do about it. For the first time, she wasn't even able to meet the most basic of her baby's needs, wasn't able to provide something which every mother should be able to. And somehow that caused the reality of the situation to all come crashing down on her._

"_I know, I know you're hungry, sweetheart," Nikki sighed, cradling her daughter close to her heart as she cried, trying desperately to calm her down. "And I am so, so sorry. But we tried, not even 5 minutes ago, remember? I haven't got anything for you malaika, I'm sorry, I know you're hungry, but you're going to have to wait for a little while, OK? I know, I know it's been longer than usual since I fed you already," Nikki tried to sooth her, not sure which of them she was trying to comfort the most. "I'll try and persuade someone to give me some formula for you next time we get any visitors…" But that might not be until the morning, she realized, panicked. How long could a 3 month old baby go without being fed? _

"_We'll try again later, I'll probably have something for you later," Nikki promised, lifting her daughter up to drape her over her shoulder, stroking her hair. "Can you hold on for a couple of hours, Josi? I know you can; you're going to be brave, aren't you, hey? You're going to be brave for me."_

_But it was at that moment that Joycelin blinked and turned her head to face her mother, her deep blue eyes meeting Nikki's, filled with a sort of anguish and confusion which just about broke Nikki's heart. She was just a baby… she shouldn't have to experience that kind of pain, not now, not ever. But Nikki knew that there was nothing she could do to take the pain away; she was her mother, part of her job was to make sure that Josi was fed, and yet she couldn't even do that. And not for the first time in her life, Nikki felt as if she had failed completely._

"That wasn't your fault, though," Harry insisted, holding her close as she finished recounting the memory. "There was nothing you could have done about it, Nikki, nothing. You did your best to look after Joycelin placed in an impossible situation; so many people would have given up. It doesn't mean you failed her, Nikki, you would have done anything for her, we all know that. But there was nothing that you _could_ have done to make it all better, nothing. And so it wasn't your fault. But that's not important: the most important thing is that despite everything, you got her through it, you fought for her, right until the end. And we're going to keep fighting for her, Nikki, I promise. But you need to stop holding yourself responsible."

"I couldn't have put it better myself," Dr Beerman agreed. "I think we all know that you would have done anything to protect your child, Nikki; that's human instinct. As a parent, you want to protect your child from the world, you want them to be happy, to never feel any pain, it becomes your purpose in life in a sense, both of you. And it's only natural to blame yourself when something goes wrong, whether it's a big thing or a small thing. In a way, that's what makes you a good parent, don't you think, worrying about your child, holding yourself responsible for their pain, especially at Joycelin's age? But sometimes the circumstances are out of your control, and you have to accept that unfortunately there was nothing more you could have done. And that's OK; you can't blame yourself for something like this, Nikki; not when you had so little control over the situation. You did the best that you could, we all know that, and maybe you're right, maybe on some occasions over the last 3 years that wasn't good enough. But that's not your fault, Nikki, that the fault of the people who were holding you captive, the people who did have the control. And that means that none of the pain your daughter went through then, and none she might go through now, whilst you're still separated, is your fault. Do you see what I'm saying?"

Nikki nodded slightly; she could see where the counsellor was coming from, despite her earlier doubts. Maybe she was allowing herself to take the blame for far too much?

"That's the first step to feeling better within yourself," Dr Beerman told her. "Accepting that it wasn't all your fault. So, we've talked about how you felt towards the beginning of those 3 years; shall we talk about the rest of that time?"


	52. Counselling Part 2

**Part two of the counselling session. Thank you so much to Izzy, Lizzi, Em, gemS, and Amy for your reviews, love you guys :) Is there anyone else out there reading? Hope this one's OK. I've been trying to catch up with my writing and I think I'm getting there, so hopefully the updates should become a bit more regular soon :) On both my fics! So for now, please review, and I'll get the next chapter up soon! **

**Love Flossie xxx**

**Chapter 51**

**Counselling Part II**

**Thursday 14****th**** August 2014**

**-11.09am**

"_So, we've talked about how you felt towards the beginning of those 3 years; shall we talk about the rest of that time?"_

"Sure," Nikki nodded, trying her best to smile but not quite succeeding. "I don't… I don't really remember a lot about it; some things stand out so clearly in my mind but then others are just a complete blur…"

"That's OK," Dr Beerman assured her. "You don't need to share specific events, not if you don't want to; that may be something which you find you want to talk to Harry about in a few months, even years, and I'm sure he'll be ready to listen whenever you're ready. But I do think it's important to talk through the feelings you associate with what happened to you, what you were subjected to, or else no one can help you. Does that make sense?"

Nikki nodded again, trying to muster up the courage to continue. "I don't think I let myself think about it too much," she confessed at last. "It was slightly easier as Josi got older- it was the only life she had ever known- and so I suppose somewhere along the line it started feeling normal to me, too. But I just felt so… so lost, somehow. I didn't feel alone, not while I had Joycelin, but I missed you…" she turned to look at Harry now, hoping he could tell by the look in her eyes just how much. "I missed everyone, of course, but I missed you more than anyone… and sometimes when Joycelin wasn't with me and I was sat in there by myself in the dark I thought…" she cut off now, not quite sure as to how to continue.

"You thought what?" Dr Beerman pressed gently.

"I thought… I thought that you might think I was dead, that you might find someone else you loved more…"

"Oh Nikki, we've been through this before," Harry sighed, pulling her close and resting his chin on the crown of her head. "I would never, ever do that to you, Nikki, never. I refused to give up on you, both of you, and I'll do the same for Joycelin until the day we find her. But I couldn't ever have found someone I loved more than you, Nikki Alexander; that would be impossible, so don't even waste your time thinking about it, OK? You're stuck with me, like it or not."

"I know," Nikki whispered, half addressing Harry, half addressing the counsellor. "I know that really, I just… I don't know…"

"You've been through a lot," Dr Beerman reminded her. "You've been through more in the past 4 years than most people do in a lifetime; it's natural for you to be feeling somewhat insecure within yourself. But the best way to deal with that is to open up, to talk to those around you, Harry, any of your other friends and family, about those insecurities. No one's going to laugh at you, no matter how stupid you think you sound, I promise. But that reassurance is going to help you adjust back into life as you once knew it; it's essential. If you can start to feel more self-assured, then that's going to be the key to recovering from this."

"But it's not just that," Nikki confessed quietly, almost hoping that Harry and Dr Beerman wouldn't hear her. "I… I think I always thought that the moment I was rescued everything would go back to normal, but then I didn't have Josi; I realized within a few days of being without her that things couldn't possibly go back to normal. But I would just feel terrified that something would happen to her, that she might be hurt, that I might never get to see her grow up- and don't get me wrong, I feel like that too. But I didn't expect…" Nikki sighed wearily, preparing to confess to something which she hadn't yet told anyone, even Harry, not even at the time more than 3 years ago.

"I didn't expect to feel so upset about… about what happened when she was born, too!" And suddenly Nikki was sobbing hysterically for what must have been the 1000th time that week, feeling completely humiliated and useless. She was vaguely aware of Harry's hands lightly caressing her back, of him telling her something soothingly, trying to calm her down, although she couldn't quite make out the words. Because this was something which she had planned to talk to Harry about 3 years ago, just before the two of them were due to fly back home to London with Joycelin. Except of course, things hadn't quite worked out that way, and so she had never been given the chance to explain how she was feeling about the whole experience. Until now. Until now, when all this talk of her years spent held a prisoner had somehow brought it all rushing back.

"What happened when your daughter was born?" Dr Beerman was asking Harry now. "I know she was a product of Nikki's rape…"

"It was all a bit of a mess at the time," Harry was telling her; Nikki could sense the sensitivity in his voice and began to relax a little, knowing that he was going to handle this carefully, for her, for both of them. "After everything else that had happened Nikki didn't realize she was pregnant until quite a way through, then when she did she was still so traumatized by the whole thing that she kept it a secret, you just didn't know what to do, did you?" he sighed, turning to face Nikki, who shook her head slowly, sadly; the shame at what had happened had never quite left her. "I think she finally had to accept it was happening when she had an accident; she fell from a minor rock face- it's a long story- but the upshot was that she ended up spending the rest of her pregnancy on bed rest in hospital with a whole host of complications. She had Josi at 29 weeks; she had been adamant that she didn't want to keep her, wanted to have her adopted, but she fell in love with her when she saw her. And the pair of us became a couple a few days later," Harry finished, squeezing Nikki's shoulder a little. "Josi was born with her right knee dislocated and had to have that corrected when she was just a few weeks old which delayed her being discharged from hospital- we had only had her home with us for just over a week when she and Nikki were taken, I think."

"And this was all just a few months before you and Joycelin were kidnapped, is that right, Nikki?" The counsellor waited for Nikki's reply before continuing. "So you really didn't have a lot of time to come to terms with it all, did you?"

Nikki just shook her head. "I think I was starting to; just a couple of days before it happened, _ironically_. No sooner was I coming to terms with one thing, there was something else even worse to deal with. But… but it wasn't so much that as… When I had Josi," Nikki began shakily, starting to tell a story which she had never before had to recount, "there were various complications, and I ended up having a hysterectomy shortly after having her by caesarean section. I was told right from the start that I wouldn't ever be able to have any more children. And I don't think that mattered too much to me at first. I was just so relieved that Joycelin was doing so well under the circumstances, that the doctors all agreed she was going to be OK, I was so happy knowing that I was _her_ mother that the idea of not being able to have any more children didn't really cross my mind for the first few days. And then I think as time went by and the shock of the whole thing faded, during those 3 years locked away from the rest of the world, even now…" Nikki stopped, suddenly aware that this might come across in rather the wrong way if she wasn't careful.

"I'm not saying I want a replacement!" she said quickly. "That's the last thing I want. If anything, I think the whole thing has just reinforced my initial idea that I only wanted one child. I think after everything we were put through together, Josi and me, we were so close, I don't know if I would have had that same bond with another child; maybe I would, I don't know. I didn't think about it, I knew that I couldn't have any more, so what was the point? But now, now I don't have her with me, now I know that I might never see her again, all I seem to be able to think about is how much I missed out on with Josi, how much of being a mother I'm now never going to be able to experience.

"I never had a normal pregnancy, let's face it. I'm never going to carry a baby to even remotely close to full term, I'm never going to give birth naturally, I'm never going to get to hold my baby just moments after their birth, never going to be able to look after them from the start, to take them home the next day. I'm never going to actually _enjoy_ a pregnancy- the whole time I was pregnant with Joycelin all I could see was misery and destruction- I'm never going to go for an ultrasound scan, to an antenatal class, nothing. I'm never going to be able to have a child with the man I love," Nikki said tearfully, looking to Harry now. "I know you think of Josi as yours, I know you've told me time and time again that it doesn't matter to you in the slightest that biologically she's not yours, but that doesn't stop me wanting to have your baby too, Harry. It doesn't make the pain any less. And even if one day we do get Joycelin back I'm never going to be able to tell her honestly that I was looking forward to her birth, am I? I can't lie to her, not after everything else. I'm never even going to be able to show her a sonogram picture because I was too cowardly to go and get checked out; the only photographs I'm ever going to be able to give her of the first few years of her life all stop at 2 ½ months old. And I know that none of those things really matter, not in the general scheme of things, but… but it still hurts," she whispered, burying her face in Harry's chest. "It still hurts."

"You're right, of course," Dr Beerman agreed a few moments later. "You're right, Nikki, you are never going to experience any of those things. And it's not fair, I agree, and it's only normal for that to cause you so much pain when you think about it. But Nikki," she said firmly, grabbing her patient's attention. "The list of things you've given me is just that of normal things you would expect a mother to have for her child. You might not have any of those things, but you have got something even more powerful to share with your daughter, something which very few other mothers will have. You've been through some terrible things together, you and your daughter, but from what you've said today it sounds as of all that has only made the bond between the two of you stronger. And you two," Dr Beerman continued, addressing both Harry and Nikki now. "You two seem so close, so happy with one another; all you need is to have your daughter back and I know you would be fantastic parents. And that's the best thing you could possibly hope to give to a child: love, a stable family and close bond between the three of you. That's going to be worth more to your daughter than a couple of sonogram pictures, I guarantee it. That's the best thing you could possibly give her."


	53. Shockwave

**OK, here's the thing: you're really not going to like the ending of this one. No, really, I mean it. You're going to hate me, and I'm really sorry. But I promise there is a reason for what I've done at the end of this one, and that reason will become clear. If you're very clever and you've read my oneshots set post Lighthouse then you might work out exactly why the ending of this chapter has to go the way it did- let me know if you have any ideas! But for now, thank you so much to Dinabar (ouch, sounds horrible!), Thyqua, Amy, Lizzi, Izzy and Emma for your reviews, please keep them coming/ review if you haven't before :) You guys are what keeps this story going half the time, and it's so rewarding to know what you think of it so far. And please don't kill me when you reach the end of this! Everything happens for a reason!**

**Love Flossie xxx**

**Chapter 52**

**Shockwave**

**Thursday 14****th**** August 2014**

**-1.18pm**

Leo pushed open the door to Nikki's hospital room cautiously, not quite sure what sort of state he was going to find her in. It was more than 2 hours since Nikki's counselling appointment had started, and knowing Nikki as well has he did, Leo knew that the session could only possibly have gone to one extreme or the other; there was no middle ground. Either it would have been a huge success or a massive failure, and he had a horrible feeling it would be the latter. And so Leo was pleasantly surprised to find Nikki sat up in bed next to Harry as he stepped into the room, still looking slightly lost and on-edge but much less pained and agonised than she had of late. Maybe, just maybe, they were finally getting somewhere.

"Hi Leo!" Harry looked up to greet him enthusiastically, sliding off the bed and crossing the room to greet his friend. "How's your morning been?" After realizing that Harry and Nikki were going to be with the counsellor for a while, Leo had decided to head down to Peppertree Mortuary and help Sara out there, returning at lunch time to find out how the session had gone.

"Not too bad," Leo told him. "We've had a really bizarre case in just an hour or so actually, but that's another story, I'll tell you when there's more to tell. How are you, Nikki?" he asked, sitting down in the chair beside her bed.

"A lot better, actually," said Nikki, a slightly brighter tone to her voice which Leo hadn't heard in getting on for 4 years. "I admit it, the counselling session did help."

"We told you," Harry teased her, perching at the end of the bed, his left hand resting on her thigh. "You won't let anyone help you; that's your problem."

"Hey, I admitted it, didn't I?"

"Children, don't fight!" Leo sighed, rolling his eyes at them. And yet secretly he wanted them to carry on like that forever, because it was reminding him of the way things used to be, taking him back to a time almost 4 years ago now when they had all been so happy, care-free, relaxed. If only they could go back, he mused. If only they could go back but still keep the new additions to their families, the children he now couldn't imagine life without. And if only Harry and Nikki could have Joycelin back, then he was certain that their lives would be complete.

"So you're feeling a bit better, then?" Leo continued as he turned back to Nikki, so relieved that she had said the counselling session had helped that he found himself wanting to confirm it, to ensure that he wasn't dreaming, that she really did seem a little better, mentally, at least.

"Mentally, yes, I think," Nikki nodded, before suddenly frowning, looking down at the floor. "I mean, not to say that I'm not still terrified that I might never see her again…" she trailed off, biting her lip.

"Oh Nikki, we all know that, you don't need to explain that," Leo insisted, squeezing her hand reassuringly. "That's a given. But you can't let it take over your life either; it's got to be a balance. "And what's important is that you find a way to gain some control over that balance."

Nikki nodded, smiling slightly in order to display her gratitude. "I just want to get out of here, now," she confessed. "I just… I don't know… I want to get out of here so that I can do something, help look for her in some way, but I just don't know how I'm going to be any use!"

"There's probably not an awful lot you can do, no," Harry told her sympathetically, having learned from the past week that it was a much, much better strategy to be honest with Nikki from the start. "But Pieter's in a much better position to do something to find Josi than any of us are, and he's already doing everything he can, we know that. And he'll tell you straight away if he thinks there's anything you could possibly do to help with the investigation."

"And we'll get you out of here soon," Leo promised. "As soon as we can. But you're not well enough to be out of hospital, Nikki, and you know that, don't you?"

"But I don't see why I can't just go back to Martha's or Sara's or wherever you two are staying; I'm not going to do anything strenuous, I promise, I just want to be out of hospital."

"Well, maybe we don't want to be lumbered with you!" Harry joked, before suddenly catching the look of hurt on Nikki's face, the new glassiness of her eyes, and retreating hastily, cursing himself. He should have known, he should have known that she was nowhere near in the right place mentally for his stupid jokes.

"Oh Nikki, I'm only joking, sweetheart," sighed Harry, pulling her into a gentle hug and praying he was in time to stop the tears from falling. "I'm sorry, it was just a stupid, stupid joke, I should have been more considerate; Nikki, of course we want you out of here and home with us, no one feels lumbered with you, I promise. And as soon as you're vaguely well enough I'll go and try and persuade the doctors to discharge you, OK?"

Nikki nodded slightly, wiping her eyes furiously. "I know. I know, I'm sorry."

"No, I'm sorry," Harry insisted, before turning to Leo, hoping for a swift change of subject to serve as a distraction. "Have you spoken to Janet today?"

"This morning," Leo nodded, thinking carefully about what he was going to say next. Most of his earlier conversation with Janet had revolved around Jasper and Jacob, but Leo was almost certain that wouldn't exactly be the best topic of conversation, especially since Nikki seemed to finally be calming down a little where her own child was concerned, beginning to understand that spending every waking moment worrying so excessively that she was making herself ill was never going to help. No, hearing about his and Janet's children was the last thing she needed at present.

"No, she's fine," Leo continued, deciding to make this as brief as possible. "She's working on an interesting case at the moment, I think, something about ritual sacrifice."

"Leo?" Nikki was looking at him now, a sad, mournful yet determined look in her eyes. "Leo, it's OK for you to talk about the boys, you know. I'm going to have to get used to the fact that everyone else still knows where their children are at some point, aren't I?" She stopped, her hand flying to her mouth.

"I'm sorry, that sounded awful, didn't it? I'm sorry…"

"Nikki, it's fine, I didn't take it that way at all," Leo told her honestly; in all truth, that idea hadn't even crossed his mind. "No, Jasper and Jacob are fine too…" he cut off abruptly; even though Nikki had insisted that she didn't mind Leo talking about his children, the look on her face was screaming otherwise.

"Fine," Leo concluded hastily. He was just wondering how to proceed when he was saved by a knock at the door, breathing a sigh of relief as he realized that he would no longer have to continue, no longer worry about upsetting Nikki further, for now at least. All three of them turned to look at the door, wondering who it might be. Martha? Sara? Pieter? One of the nurses?

The door opened slowly, cautiously, before a tall, familiar African man emerged from the corridor. Nikki froze the moment she caught sight of him, a man she had said goodbye to a long time ago, a man whom she really didn't want to be faced with, especially now, after everything that had happened. It was Anton. Anton Radebe.

**I'm sorry! I don't think many of us SW fans liked Anton the first time around, but there is a reason for him coming back, promise! And all will be revealed soon!**

**Don't forget to hit the button below :P**


	54. Promise

**Sorry for leaving you all hanging at the end of that last one! I don't think you were expecting that, were you? I wasn't expecting it until quite recently when I realized that there was a role for him in this, though it may not be what you think it is by the end of this chapter… that's all I'm saying for now! Huuuuuuge hugs to heleni0, Em, Thyqua, Izzy (ooh, have you worked it out? It may not be what you think…), Amy, Dinabar and Lizzi for your reviews, thank you so much, I know updates haven't been as regular recently :( But I seem to be getting on top of it a bit now! And Emma- thank you for reminding me about School Reports, had completely forgotten about that one! But I promise to start working on a new chapter for you as soon as I have the chance :)**

**Hope you enjoy, and don't forget to review!**

**Love Flossie xxx**

**Chapter 53**

**Promise**

**Thursday 14****th**** August 2014**

**-1.32pm**

_It was Anton. Anton Radebe. _

Nikki simply stared at him for a moment, speechless, shocked. This wasn't happening; after everything else, this couldn't be happening, not now.

"Anton?" Her voice was shakier than she would have liked, but a small part of her didn't care, she just wanted him to get the message and go. She was tongue-tied, she simply couldn't find the words to say anything else.

"Nikki." He sounded almost shocked, remorseful, sympathetic, his voice filled with so many different emotions all at once in just her name that it all became too much for her incredibly quickly. The break-up had been bad enough, all those years ago now, but Nikki hadn't thought about Anton Radebe in almost as long, had pushed him to the very back of her mind for those first few months after South Africa, then found herself so preoccupied with other happenings that he hadn't even crossed her mind.

She hadn't ever planned on seeing him again, hadn't wanted to. But now… now, just when she had more to deal with than ever before in her life, just when she was beginning to learn how to deal with everything, with her abduction, with losing her daughter, with suddenly being back in the real world once more, with having her freedom back and learning to adapt to everything all over again, he was back, standing there in the doorway watching her closely, scrutinising. At least, that was the way it seemed to Nikki. And she couldn't handle it. She hadn't been expecting to see Anton and after everything she had been through, routine had become something of a necessity. She didn't want to see him, she hadn't been given the chance to psyche herself up for this, to prepare herself for yet another potentially painful experience. She just wanted him to go away, to go back to wherever he had come from and leave her alone with Leo and Harry, allow her to feel safe with the people who knew her best. She just wanted him to go away.

"What are you doing here?" Nikki asked quietly, looking up again to meet his eyes. She could feel Harry's hands lightly caressing her shoulders and resisted the urge to lean into him and seek comfort in his arms, determined to stand up for herself, to take control of the situation. She was sick of feeling as if she had no control over her own life, sick of everything being decided and resolved for her. No… she was going to deal with this herself. She was going to deal with Anton Radebe herself.

"I… I came to see you," Anton replied nervously, then stopping, seemingly picking up on the look on Nikki's face. "No… it's not what you think." Only now did Nikki notice the small bunch of flowers in his hands, which he was suddenly holding out to her, beckoning for her to take them. "I know you're with Harry now, and I don't want… I mean, I hope you two will be very happy together. No, I… I work with the police now, I heard about what happened… I just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you, how sorry I am that you had to go through all that and still no one's really doing anything to put things right. And I…" he paused again, smiling awkwardly, as if not quite sure how to handle the situation given the history between them. "As I said, I'm with the police now, I'm a DI… I'm going to do everything I can to find your daughter," he said, rushing the words slightly awkwardly. "I've just spoken to Pieter Lamprecht about it, he said I could help him with a few leads he's got, try and get some deeper background on the Phoenix Movement, that sort of thing. I might be able to get you some publicity too- all completely legal, I wouldn't do that to you, Nikki, not on top of everything else," Anton explained quickly, seeming having seen the look of doubt on Nikki's face and guessed that she was thinking of the last time the pair had seen each other. "No, I'm going to do this properly, not like last time, I swear. I'm going to do everything I possibly can to find Joycelin, it's the least I can do after… well, you know, we didn't exactly part on the best terms, did we? But you can trust me now, Nikki, I promise. You can trust me to do this for you; to keep looking even now the police won't do anything. _I'm_ going to do something. I'm going to keep trying no matter what."

He sounded so awkward in his vow, so on edge and slightly embarrassed, and yet still his words were touching, to Nikki, at least. And they were honest, believable. He really meant every single word, he really did want to find her daughter, reunite her family. He couldn't promise that he was going to find Joycelin, Nikki knew that, but somehow that wasn't important. Inside she was still angry, angrier than she had ever been before in her life at Bai Lưu, at her father, at Lan Phom, at the whole world for what she had been put through. Angry she couldn't be with her daughter when so many parents could take having their child to themselves for granted, that all she had ever done was try to take care of her baby and yet still she had been taken away from her, by someone who could be doing anything to her, hurting her, abusing her… Nikki knew for certain that she would never get over that. But it comforted her somewhat to know that there was someone else thinking about her daughter, someone else trying to find her, refusing to give up on her. It allowed there to be a tiny ray of hope, however small, that one day she might get her daughter back. Even if that hope was coming from someone she hadn't counted on seeing again.

"I…I…" Nikki stammered, not quite sure how to reply. And so she settled for the only words which sprung to mind, the only words which could express her gratitude and yet which somehow didn't seem anywhere near enough to express just how grateful she was to him, simply to be willing to try. She still wasn't entirely sure that she could trust him, but she could tell that he still cared about her, even after all this time, knew that he was never going to keep her daughter from her as Bai Lưu and her father had done, never going to throw away a chance to find her. Maybe Anton was just what the investigation needed; someone slightly unorthodox, willing to do anything it took even if it was using rather unconventional methods. And Pieter would be supervising, nothing would be allowed to happen that could jeopardise the case… No, she was willing to give him the chance. He was volunteering, not asking for money, he simply wanted to help her find her daughter. How could she possibly turn that down?

"Thank you," she whispered, not sure quite what else to say as she accepted the flowers, though hoping that Anton picked up on the sincerity of such simple words. "Thank you."

**Year of the Rooster**

**Friday 11****th**** August 2017**

**-7.11pm**

It's cold. It's dark and it's cold, almost freezing, in fact. I know where I am I've been here before, and so I know that it's not going to get any warmer as the night goes on. It's only going to get worse.

I didn't think I was ever going to end up back here again; didn't even contemplate it. I thought that was it, I thought I was going to run away, escape, find my mum and never look back. But it's not that simple, I realize that now. No matter how far I run, how hard I try, I'm never going to be able to get away from him. He'll follow me wherever I go, grab me back whenever I get too close. He's not going to let me escape from him, from everything; maybe it's just too risky for him. Maybe he can't afford to lose me, to risk the inevitable reaction from higher authority if he lets me go now. Maybe he's scared that I'll tell everyone what really happened, not just with my mum, but in Pyongyang, at the Phoenix Base… everywhere the Phoenix Movement goes. Or maybe he just doesn't want to give me up. Out of spite? I don't know. I don't think I know anything anymore, not really. Everything is blurred beyond reasoning, each event, each action, each thought impossible to distinguish from the last. And it's terrifying, being back here alone, unsure as to what's going to happen now. It's completely terrifying.

I've been here before, I remember, but that seems like a lifetime ago now. I didn't even realize I had memories of it until recently, but now those memories, the memories of being trapped in here for hours on end, seem so vivid that it's almost impossible not to scream out in desperation. I don't, though. I won't give him that satisfaction, won't let him think that he'd beaten me, not now, not ever.

I might have been in here before, but never by myself, only ever with my mum. I don't think I was scared back then though; I'd never known any different than this room, this prison. It was normal back then, the feelings of anxiety, of fear at being trapped didn't exist. And besides, it was the only time I got to spend with my mum, the time I spent in that room. As the stretches of time we spent apart grew longer and longer, those moments sat there in the cold together became treasured somehow, as if subconsciously we both knew that those days were numbered, that one day we were going to be separated forever. Maybe we did.

It's getting sort of scary now, being trapped down here by myself. Again, I don't think it was something that bothered me before, not when I had my mum, when this was just a part of my routine, my life, when I was too young to fully understand. What if he never comes back for me? What if he disappears and leaves me down here forever, what happens then? And even if I do manage to escape, manage to get away from here, from Bai Lưu once and for all, what do I do then? After what happened earlier, at the mortuary, I'm not sure I can try and go back, to find my mum. After what happened to Sara… I don't know the outcome of that, I couldn't watch. But I know he shot her, I know she was injured. So is she…? It doesn't bear thinking about, I don't want to know… But is that what's going to happen each time I try to find my way back to my mum, to her friend's her family? Is he going to hurt anyone who tries to help me get away from him, leave them lying injured in the middle of an empty corridor? I don't know. But I do know that I don't want to take that risk. I don't want to make my mum choose between me and her friends, especially when she's had them these past 3 years, whilst I've been on the other side of the world. She doesn't know me anymore, not really. But she knows Sara. _Knew_ Sara, maybe. And thanks to me, she might have lost her forever.


	55. Persuasion

**I'm sorry, I know I told you I was getting on top of this, and I was, until I got plagued with horrible complicated Maths homework! At which point free time became a distant memory :( But got it sorted now, so I'm spending the weekend writing :) Thank you so much to Dinabar, Amy, Izzy, Thyqua, and Em for your reviews, you guys are just amazing :) Hope school/college/uni/work is going well for everyone- do let me know! And please review this one; I'll try to get the next one up tomorrow if I get 8 reviews for this one :) That's your challenge!**

**Love Flossie xxx**

**Chapter 54**

**Persuasion**

**Monday 18****th**** August 2014**

**-2.49pm**

"Dr Cunningham," the latest of Nikki's various doctors, Dr Hopkins, greeted Harry as she stepped out of the main ward. "You wanted to speak to me?"

"That's right," Harry nodded. "I was wondering whether it would be possible to have Nikki discharged soon. I know she's still not well," he said quickly, seeing the look on the doctor's face. "I do know that. But she's desperate to get out of here, to feel a bit more normal, and to be perfectly honest I don't really blame her. I know that everyone here is doing their best to look after her, and you've done a fantastic job, but I think she's just sick of being in hospital. Physically she's so much better than she was a couple of weeks ago but mentally she's still struggling. And I think she would start to make more progress, start getting back to herself, if she could get out of here, back into a vaguely normal environment."

"I see what you're saying," Dr Hopkins admitted. "I do understand where you're coming from. But I just don't think that Nikki's well enough physically to be out of hospital. She's much, much better, yes, but she's still not well in the slightest. Her intestine's much better than it was but it's still not completely healed, and the infection of the external wounds to her stomach is still pretty angry; she's still on strong doses of painkillers and she won't be able to have those outside a hospital environment."

"She says she doesn't care about that," Harry explained, still not convinced by Nikki's decision but knowing that he needed to be honest about what she wanted, what she had decided. "She says she can put up with a bit more pain if it means she can get out of hospital."

"She says that now, but the reality might be very different," Dr Hopkins sighed. "Nikki's been on the same pain dosage since she came into hospital, a relatively high one, so she hasn't really got any concept of how bad the pain would be without the medication she's currently on. She might be able to cope for the first few hours or so, but the reality is, she's simply not strong enough to last for long. Chances are, you'd be bringing her back into hospital within a couple of days, Dr Cunningham."

"But surely it's worth a try?" Harry pleaded, refusing to give up. He had promised Nikki that he would do his utmost in order to convince the doctor to let her leave the hospital, to stay with Leo and himself at Martha's house. "If Nikki starts to feel better within herself then she's going to focus more on getting better; at the moment her moods are still very varied. She's a lot better than she was before she started seeing the hospital counsellor, definitely, but it seems to come and go. She'll be fine for a while but every few hours she still loses control completely. And I just think that if she can get out of this place, if she can _feel_ a little more normal, maybe she'll be in a better place to continue accepting everything that's happened, if she feels surrounded by people who love her."

"You may have a point," Dr Hopkins agreed, before pausing, thinking carefully. "OK. Listen, I'm going to have to change Nikki's bandage later, just to check that the infection's still going down properly. If it's looking better, then I'm willing to discharge her. But that means that you're going to have to be keeping a close eye on her, much more so than we're getting you to do now, and she'll have to some back in here regularly for check-ups."

"That's fine," Harry said quickly, without a second thought. If it was anyone else then he might have hesitated, but it was Nikki, his Nikki, and he knew for certain that he would do anything for her, absolutely anything. He just wanted to get her out of hospital, for her to feel better, and if that meant that he had to be there for her even more, take even more responsibility for her, then that was simply what he had to do.

"Are you sure?" Dr Hopkins asked, uncertain. "She's hardly easy to handle at the moment, and you're only going to have to do even more for her if she's out of hospital, if there isn't a medical team on hand to look after her."

"I can cope," Harry insisted. "I can cope, if it means Nikki can be out of hospital, then I can cope with whatever it takes."

The doctor was smiling now, nodding slightly. "OK then. I'll be round in an hour or so to check on Nikki, and we'll discuss it all in detail then."

"Thank you," Harry said gratefully as the doctor turned to head in the opposite direction down the corridor, turning around himself now and stepping back into Nikki's room to tell her the good news. Nikki had been in hospital for over a week now and hadn't been out in the real world for almost 3 years before that, spending over 2 months in the same hospital shortly before being kidnapped. She probably had some hospital/captivity equivalent of cabin fever, Harry reasoned, real world withdrawal symptoms. He needed to get her out of the hospital, to give her a taste of normality, to assure her that she was safe now, that even if things were never quite going to get back to 'normal' as such until their daughter was found, she was safe now and no one was ever going to lock her up again, to abuse her as Bai Lưu had spent almost 3 years doing. Not that Nikki didn't know that already- Harry must have told her it a thousand times over the course of the past week- but he suspected that she needed to actually experience it in order to believe it.

He found Nikki curled up in the chair beside the window of her hospital room, a large floral photo album spread across her lap. Harry sighed, knowing instantly what it was: it was the photo album which contained the few pictures of their daughter which they had, a record of her life which only spanned up to 2 ½ months. She had been doing that a lot recently, and it seemed to be helping her deal with it all, so Harry wasn't about to try and stop her. Even though it was upsetting Harry himself more than he would ever let on. He loved Nikki with all his heart and was willing to do anything to help her recover from all this, to help her deal with losing their daughter, but sometimes he felt as if he had to contain his own grief in order to avoid upsetting her. It was a whole lot worse for Nikki, he knew that, but he was still grieving too. Joycelin might not be his biological child but he loved her as if she were, often forgetting that part himself. He might have been granted the last 3 years to get used to it all, to adapt, but now it all seemed to be coming back, more so with each passing day. It seemed as if with each day that passed, he became a little more secure that Nikki really was back with him, that she wasn't going to be taken away from him once more. And at the same time, he was reminded that the opposite was true for Joycelin, that there was no such certainty. He might never be a father now, might never see the little girl who had landed in his life completely out of the blue and remained there just long enough for him to no longer be able to imagine life without her, just as her mother had done so many years before. And that was becoming harder and harder to keep from Nikki, to hold back in order to spare her pain.

Nikki looked up as Harry entered the room, shutting the photo album carefully and placing it on the floor beside her chair, wincing slightly as she bent over.

"It's OK, I know you don't want to see it," she said gently, and Harry stopped, surprised. How had she known? Maybe he wasn't as good an actor as he had thought.

"Thanks," Harry said sincerely, not bothering to ask how she had known that he hated looking at the photographs as he sat down in the chair beside her. "How are you feeling?" He wrapped his arms around her gently, slowly; holding her close was much harder when she was out of bed, when the drips attached to her were in slightly more of a tangle.

"The same," Nikki told him, resting her head on Harry's shoulder. "What did the doctor say?"

"She's going to think about it," Harry explained. "She's coming round soon to change your dressing and if the actual wound has gone down somewhat then we can discuss getting you discharged, OK?" He shifted his free hand to her midsection now, gently patting the wad of bandages there. "That doesn't feel as swollen, does it?" he commented reassuringly, trying to keep some hope within her that today might finally be the day that she got to leave the hospital.

Nikki just shrugged. "I can't really tell," she confessed, almost numbly, as if she had already given up.

"Well, I think it has," Harry said firmly, determined that she wasn't going to be _allowed_ to give up, not yet. "We're going to get you out of here, Nikki," he promised her, kissing her forehead softly. "I'm going to do everything I can to get you out of here before the end of the day. I promise."

**-3.30pm**

Harry gripped Nikki's hand tightly as the doctor began removing the dressing concealing her still-healing gunshot wound; he knew she still hadn't lost that nervousness which came hand in hand with people she didn't know and trust coming too close to her, sometimes even people she did have the utmost faith in, when she was having a particularly bad day. Over the past week, Nikki had been known to fly into a blind panic and attempt to physically fight off any doctor who tried to examine her, but she couldn't afford to do that today; Harry needed to keep her calm. He couldn't afford to let her lose control. If she went into a panic now then there was no hope of getting her out of hospital today.

"It's looking a lot better," the doctor observed, beckoning to Harry to lean in and look. Harry braced himself now; he had grown to hate these examinations. When Nikki had first been found each and every cut and scrape across her body had been so badly infected thanks to the sea water she had been dumped in that he had almost been afraid to look, the small glimpses he had managed to get of her war wounds enough to break him in two. He couldn't bear to think of all the pain she must have been put through, all the pain she was still in now. He didn't know how to cope with it. And so it was with caution that Harry peered over the doctor's shoulder, took in the extent of the damage.

It wasn't anywhere near as bad as he had expected, as bad as it had been the week before. Harry still found himself taking in a sharp breath as he took in the angriness of the wound across her stomach which was still in the healing process, still visibly swollen though less so than before and half-beginning to transform into a scar. Nikki wasn't going to be happy if she was forced to wear the scar that was left behind as a reminder of her ordeal for the rest of her life, as Harry knew only too well. But that wasn't important right now; they would worry about that later. What mattered now was convincing the doctor that she was well enough to go home- back to Martha's, rather. He would work on assuring her that it would heal over eventually, that even if it never quite faded then she would still be beautiful regardless, still _was_ beautiful, once he had her back home with him.

"I think the infection's finally starting to clear up," the doctor announced now, pulling on a pair of surgical gloves and beginning to examine Nikki's abdomen properly. "Does that hurt?" she was asking her now, poking and prodding her.

"No," Nikki insisted. "No, it's fine." She sounded incredibly convincing, but Harry, knowing Nikki as well as he did, could sense an underlying pain in her voice, a slight flicker of discomfort flashing across her face which he knew she was doing her best to hide. A part of him wondered if he should point that out to the doctor, to spare Nikki from even more pain once she was on milder medication back at Martha's, but at the same time he knew just how stubborn Nikki was, knew that she would never forgive him. And he also knew that she would feel better within herself out of hospital, that hopefully she would be able to handle a little more pain. And if not, he would simply have to bring her back, kicking and screaming. But he had to let her try.

"OK," the doctor said after a moment's silence, beginning to redress the wound. "OK. I wouldn't be doing this if you weren't going to be staying with doctors when you get out of here, but I think I'm happy to discharge you. You'll have to come back for a check-up for a couple of days' time, Nikki, and you're not going to be able to have the same dosage of painkillers at home; if it becomes too much then you may have to come back in for a few days, OK? But for now, I'm going to have you discharged."


	56. Release

**Chapter 55 :) The 8 reviews thing didn't really work out, did it? Where is everyone? :( Thank you to Amy, Emma and Izzy for reviewing, but is there anyone else out there reading? Your feedback would be much appreciated, especially after 4 hours of dancing! I know this is turning out to be incredibly long but things are going to start moving much more quickly after this chapter… don't want to give too much away for now :) But if you're still reading this and enjoying almost 8 months after I started writing, then please do let me know! It would make me very very happy, and would spur me on with the final part of this fic, which I've just started writing :)**

**Love Flossie xxx**

**Chapter 55**

**Reassurance**

**Monday 18****th**** August 2014**

**-4.00pm**

Nikki gripped Harry's hand tightly as she proceeded down the steps at the front of the hospital; as much as she hated feeling weak and dependent and out of control, she was too afraid of slipping and falling down the steps and being even more embarrassed, something which seemed like an all-too-real possibility given how weak she felt. Although she would never admit it to anyone, even to Harry, she was horribly aware of her legs shaking uncontrollably beneath her with each step she took, despite her best attempts to build up some strength over the last few days. It was because she had been confined to a tiny room for almost 3 years with no way of stretching her legs for more than a couple of metres; that was what the doctors had told her. It was only natural for her to have very little in the way of even basic muscle strength, and so all that would have to be build up gradually over the next few weeks, months. It was driving Nikki mad slowly but surely; it seemed at the moment as if every other day she was discovering a new way in which Bai Lưu had managed to mess her up, either psychologically or physically or sometimes both at once. And she hated it, she hated feeling as if she had no control over herself any more, hated feeling that her body was in a complete mess, that she might never get back to normal again, that she was no truly disgusting despite Harry's insistence that she wasn't.

And then there was Joycelin… somehow leaving the hospital without her was bringing back all the pain she had been trying so hard to overcome over the past week. It had been stupid, she never should have done it, but somehow Nikki had allowed herself to believe that Joycelin would be found before she was ready to be discharged, that her baby would be brought back to her and the two of them would be leaving the hospital together, reunited, the pair of them together once more, that whole torturous period of their lives over with. But that, of course, simply hadn't happened. Nikki had known that really, known that the chances of getting her daughter back from Bai Lưu's clutches were slim, but all the while that being discharged was still a distant dream she could allow herself to live in hope, to pray, to believe that she was going to get her baby back any day now. But now that she was finally leaving, heading back to Martha's with Harry, suddenly it all seemed so real, more so than she could remember it ever being before. She had lost her. She had lost her daughter, her 3 year old daughter; she had been taken away from her and left in the care of a murderer, a rapist, a criminal, someone who might be her biological father but who certainly wasn't trustworthy enough to be caring for her, nowhere near. And Josi must be terrified… the last memory she would have of her mother would be seeing her shot in the stomach and dragged away from her motionless. How was even the strongest, most emotionally mature of 3 year olds supposed to be able to cope with that?

"Almost there." Harry's reassuring words pulled Nikki gently back to reality; he seemed to have the knack of knowing exactly when she needed his comfort and assurance, when her mind was wandering into dangerous territory and she needed him to distract her before it all became too much and she couldn't cope with the guilt and fear for her daughter any longer.

She could feel her legs beginning to shake a little more vigorously as she reached the bottom of the steps and allowed Harry to lead her in the direction of the taxi point. She was panicking slightly now, knowing that there was no chance of being allowed off the hospital premises if she went and collapsed here at this stage. And having psyched herself up for leaving today without her baby, she couldn't face the thought of having to do this all over again.

"Nikki come on, you're alright," she was vaguely aware of Harry soothing her, pulling her against his chest as they stepped into the taxi queue. "You're alright, I know you're tired, but you just need to hold on for a bit longer and then we'll get you back to Martha's, OK?"

"I hate feeling like this, Harry," Nikki whispered hopelessly, painfully aware that Harry was now supporting almost her entire body weight. "I hate it." Her whole life up until the arrival of Bai Lưu she had always been so independent, had never liked allowing herself to be taken care of as Harry was having to do for her now. When she had first been abducted, first lost a huge chunk of that independence, there had been so much to think about with Josi, with simply keeping herself going for her that Nikki hadn't had too much time to think about it, to register exactly what had been lost. But now, without her daughter to occupy her, now that she was still suffering from the physical affect that years in captivity and those final minutes of torture had taken on her body, it was all becoming far too much to cope with.

"I know," Harry sighed sympathetically, shuffling her forwards along the queue gently. "I know. But Nikki, listen: you're already doing so much better now than you were a week ago. Another week and you'll be feeling so much better, I promise. And it is going to take a while; this isn't exactly the sort of thing you can recover from within a couple of weeks, is it? But we'll get you sorted, I promise. It's all going to be OK."

Nikki allowed herself to be practically lifted into the taxi a few minutes later when she and Harry reached the front of the queue; not so much because Harry's words had truly comforted her and made her feel less vulnerable, less useless, but simply because she didn't have any strength left to battle on. She curled up in her seat as they pulled away from the hospital, suddenly overcome with emotion. This was it, it was finally happening. She was leaving without her daughter… she was heading away from here, back into the real world without Joycelin. And suddenly the possibility of never seeing her again felt more real than ever before.

**-5.21pm**

He ended up carrying her into Martha's house; the emotions of the taxi ride away from the hospital had taken their toll on her incredibly quickly and finally around 30 minutes into the journey she had cried herself to the point of exhaustion, falling asleep on his shoulder. She had been asleep for roughly 40 minutes by the time they arrived back at Martha's, so far completely nightmare-free, and so Harry hadn't wanted to wake her, to stop her from finally getting something in the way of decent-quality sleep. She was going to feel a thousand times better for it, Harry knew that, and so if waking her could possibly be avoided whilst she was still so peaceful, then he was going to do whatever it took.

"Is she alright?" Leo asked worriedly as he let Harry in through the door; Martha was out at work and so Leo had come home early from the police station where he had been helping Pieter and Anton shift through a multitude of old case files, trying to find something which might have been missed, the first, second, third, fourth time… it seemed to be endless. He eyed Nikki worriedly as she laid perfectly still in Harry's arms, failing to even stir as she was jostled through the doorway, Harry struggling to negotiate the doorway whilst balancing Nikki in his arms and carrying her bags over each arm.

"She's fine, she's fine," Harry insisted quietly, stepping through into the spare bedroom and laying Nikki down across the bed, his hand lingering on her cheek for a moment as he brushed her hair out of her face, before moving to slip her shoes off and pull the covers up around her. "She got very upset when we left the hospital- I think it just hit her that she was going to have to start trying to carry on with her life without Josi- but she ended up crying herself to the point of exhaustion. She's been out for more than half an hour without even a hint of a nightmare now and I can't remember the last time that happened; I haven't got the heart to wake her just yet."

"Probably best," Leo agreed, waiting for Harry to finish settling Nikki down before moving to lead him out of the room. "She must be exhausted; she needs all the sleep she can get at the moment." He stopped in the doorway for a moment, looking back at the sleeping form of the woman he considered his daughter.

"God, she must be exhausted to have slept right through the journey, mustn't she? I mean, some of those roads are pretty bumpy."

"She's knackered," Harry agreed, sighing as the two of them collapsed onto the sofa in the living area. "I'm hoping she'll start sleeping a little better now that she's out of hospital; that certainly happened the last time around." He sighed again, the 'last time' now springing to mind. He could still see her face so clearly… still see the stuffed lilac elephant sat next to him on the sofa as it had been that horrible day almost 3 years ago, just after he had discovered… Harry shuddered a little at the memory, a memory which never seemed to quite leave him alone, no matter how hard he tried to forget.

"And how about you?"

Leo's question took Harry completely by surprise.

"Hmm?" he asked, looking at his friend obliviously. "We were talking about Nikki, not me. I'm fine, I'm not the one who's been dragged through hell and back."

"No, not in the same way," Leo agreed. "But Harry, all this has been hard on you, too. Nikki might have had to cope with god only knows what for 3 years, but you've had to spend that time worrying about her and Joycelin, not knowing… anyway," Leo sighed, clearly having decided that wasn't the best thing to say right now, given that Joycelin was still missing.

"The point is, you've got other things to cope with as a result of all this," Leo continued. "You've been doing a wonderful job of looking after her, Harry, but it must be awful to see her so upset so often, and then you've got your own grief to be dealing with… I'm just saying, it can't be easy."

"It's not," Harry admitted honestly. "It's really not. But Nikki needs me more than ever now; I can't be moping around, lost in my own grief when I know she's struggling so much. I need to be positive, I need her to see that I'm managing to cope with it all and hold myself together, or else she hasn't got a hope in hell of getting any better."

"I know," Leo sighed sympathetically, placing his hand over his friend's. "I know. But Nikki's not here now, Harry, she's fast asleep and she's fine; we'll hear her if she wakes up, if she needs us. Which means that you don't have to pretend anymore, not with me; you don't have to bottle it all up. You can talk to me; you know that, don't you?"

Harry was silent for a moment, in deep thought. Leo was trying to get him to open up, he knew that, to talk to him about how he was feeling concerning all this. But it was difficult even knowing where to begin.

"It's just like the pain of losing her all over again, Leo," he confessed quietly, half-focusing on what he was saying, telling his friend, but another part of his mind still listening intently for any sound whatsoever coming from the spare bedroom across the room, determined that he would be at Nikki's side at the slightest sign of disturbance. "I know I've got Nikki back now, and I wouldn't change that for the world, I really, really wouldn't, but… but even having her back doesn't make it any less painful, knowing that Josi's still missing, that anything could be happening to her right now and we can't do a thing to stop it. And I know I'm not her parent in the same way that Nikki is…"

"Oh Harry, that doesn't matter," Leo insisted, seemingly shocked but his friend's words. "Harry, take it from me, being a parent isn't about genetics and biology, it's about loving a child unconditionally. And anyone can tell that's how you feel about Joycelin. Nikki might be her mother biologically too, but that doesn't make any difference to how much you love her in comparison Harry, trust me. It won't make the slightest difference at all."

"I know, I know that really," Harry admitted. "It's just on top of everything else…"

"It's a lot to take in," Leo agreed. "I know you've had time to get used to the idea of… well, you know, but it is going to be difficult all over again now, in light of everything else that's happened recently."

"It's just so hard to know that she's not my baby anymore," Harry sighed hopelessly. "I mean, even if we do find her, she's not going to be the way I remember her in the slightest. I haven't seen her since she was a tiny baby; I haven't even seen a photograph. She's so much older now, she's not going to remember me at all. And I'm not going to remember her, not as she is now. And what if, when we do get her back, I can't bond with her, or she can't bond with me? And even Nikki… it could be years before we get her back, Leo, what if we find her in, say, 10 years' time, and she can't even remember Nikki then? She's going to be a difficult teenager in 10 years' time, she's going to think parents are the spawn of the devil as it is; what if she doesn't like us? What if she's such a different person to how we could ever have expected that we can't make it work? What do we do then? It would break Nikki's heart, I know that, and god only knows how I would cope. And there's no way of predicting just how much she'll have been through by then, she could be psychologically damaged, she could never be the same again, I don't know how we'd cope with her…"

"Harry, there's no point worrying about all that now," Leo told him gently. "It's horrible, I know, but there's nothing we can do about it. We're just going to have to take it all as it comes, and hope that it all turns out OK in the end. But you can't keep worrying like this, Harry, it's going to tear you apart. For now, at least, you're just going to have to take it as it comes, and remember that no matter what happens, we're all going to support you both. Whatever happens, you're not going to be coping with it on your own, I promise."


	57. Harry's Diary 3

**Chapter 56 :) We're very nearly at the end of Lifelines in London now, because I've decided to split this fic again for the final part. The last part isn't going to be as long as this one, but I just think it makes more sense on its own. So there will be about 4 more chapters of this fic, and then I will publish the final part as a separate fic as soon as this one is completed :) **

**Thank you so so much Izzy, Emma and Amy for reviewing, you guys are seriously amazing :) Please keep do reviewing, it really motivates me to keep writing! And anyone else who hasn't reviewed yet/for a while, please do :) You don't have to sign in, it can be anonymous, and a couple of words will do :) It won't take long!**

**OK, I'm going to stop nagging now, so hope you enjoy, and I'll try to update tomorrow if I get enough reviews. And there's another chapter of The Obsession coming your way soon :)**

**Love Flossie xxx**

**Chapter 56**

**Harry's Diary**

_This is the way you left me, _

_I'm not pretending,_

_No hope, no love, no glory,_

_No happy ending._

_Happy Ending, Mika_

**Saturday 30****th**** August 2014**

**-6.27am**

3 minutes until alarm clock goes off. 3 more minutes of calm before the storm. 3 more minutes of her sleeping vaguely peacefully, after horrifically bad night, perhaps in anticipation of what's happening today. 3 more minutes before life as know it at present all comes crashing down.

**-6.28am**

Think she might be stirring, though can't tell if it's a nightmare or just calm, peaceful beginning to wake up. Maybe I should just wake her? That way she doesn't have to go through another nightmare, so probably much kinder way of going about it? After the night she's just had, really, really, really don't want her to be starting today in a state. Not considering what she's about to be put through.

**-6.29am**

Can't believe we're leaving today. Suppose must have been anticipating it; we couldn't exactly stay in Cape Town forever until Joycelin was found. But still feels like we're abandoning her. Feels like we've given up and are returning to life as we knew it before she even existed, even though know deep down that she's never going to be far from my mind. Just hope Josi knows that. Wherever she is.

Alarm clock must be about to go off any second now. Which means have only a matter of seconds before Nikki is reduced to a quivering, raging, distraught wreck. Not sure am going to be able to go through with this.

**-6.30am**

Damn, alarm clock blaring. Looks like no longer have a choice.

"Harry, what time is it?" She sounds knackered, poor thing; not surprised after the night she had. Don't think have ever known her to be so distraught and panicked and depressed and afraid all at once, it horrible to watch. But refuse to leave her when she's so upset; just wish could actually do something productive to help her. Like finding Josi and wiping away all the horrible memories which are still causing her so much pain.

"It's just gone 6.30, Niks." Hope sound positively gentle and caring, want to try and keep her calm for as long as possible. No doubt she's going to be distraught enough later.

"We have to go?"

"In about an hour, my love, yes." She's looking positively pained now, her eyes beginning to water. Now hoping and praying she's not going to break down in tears. Hate it more than anything when she cries.

"I can't do this, Harry."

"Yes you can, Nikki, you can. I know it's horrible, sweetheart, and believe me, this is the last thing I want, too. But we can't stay out here forever, and Pieter knows to call us the moment he gets a solid lead, OK? So for now, we're going to have to get you home, get you better, and have faith that Pieter and Anton are going to do everything in their power to find Joycelin."

"I can't. Harry, I can't!" She's beginning to shake now, am starting to get worried that she might be entering into another panic attack. Surely there should be some biological limit to the number of panic attacks one person can have within 24 hours? If not, is major flaw on behalf of Mother Nature.

"I know Nikki, I don't think I can either. But we're going to have to, OK? We haven't got a choice. We've got to get you home and try and get a bit of normality back…"

"Harry, there's no such thing as normal anymore! Don't you understand? There hasn't been such thing as normal for almost 4 years now; what was normal existed in a life before Joycelin. And I can't go back to the way things were before her, Harry, I can't get on with it all and pretend she never existed, I just can't!"

"Oh Nikki, I didn't mean it like that, you know I didn't." She's in tears now; my fault, should have handled topic with much, much more sensitivity. "I just meant that we need to get back home, you might feel a bit safer at night time if you're sleeping in your own bed. And you're right, 'normal' won't be the same anymore, so we've got to try and work it out together. But we can't do that until we get back to England, can we?"

No answer, but the look in her eyes is screaming 'OK, you're right, but that doesn't make me feel any better.' Will have to work on that.

"Now come on Nikki, we need to get up, or we're going to miss our flight."

"Good!" Is burrowing herself under the duvet now, think is trying to make statement. Don't think she would actually make us too late to catch plane on purpose, though if she manages to work herself into state might do so by default. Should have allowed more time to get her up before taxi arrives.

"Nikki, I know it's hard, but we have to do this." Not sure if attempt to coax her out from under duvet is really going to work, but definitely don't want to have to resort to pulling her out by force unless strictly necessary- is sure way to work her into blind panic. "The longer we leave it, the harder it's going to be to go back home, believe me, I know. And we can come back in a few months' time, see if Pieter can come up with some sort of publicity for us, for Josi. But for now, we're going to have to go back home and do our best to adjust, OK? Just for now."

"OK." Is throwing duvet back now and sitting up slowly; minor miracle. Looks as if might still be in pain and tear-evidence still visible down cheeks, but has given in and realized this needs to be done, thank god. Just hope she feels the same way when we actually get to the airport.

**-7.26am**

Running to schedule so far. Everything packed and suitcases just below weight limit, Nikki relatively calm all things considered, latest addition to safari count packed into suitcase ( crocodile, haven't told Nikki about safari count yet- will show her when get home) and passports all to hand. Haven't managed to persuade Niks to eat anything in the way of breakfast but was expecting that; will just have to make sure she eats something in way of lunch on plane. Even if it's revolting airline food. Desperate times call for desperate measures.

"I think the taxi might be here!" Why is it that Leo always manages to sound so alert, even this early, given are about to subject ourselves to traumatic 11 hour flight back to London? Must be thought of seeing Janet, who flew home last week to see Jasper and Jacob. God only knows how Nikki's going to cope when she meets them. Know she will be pleased for Leo and Janet, of course, but also know that is going to drag up whole host of painful memories for her. Think might actually be dreading it.

"OK, we're coming!" Better go and find Nikki, think she's with Martha at the moment, saying goodbye. Almost feel bad about separating them; know Martha is probably part of the reason have managed to keep Nikki going this long. Is pity live in different hemispheres. 11 hours and 800 quid away.

"Nikki? Nikki, are you ready to go?" Don't want to rush her, but after 3 years of experience have learned that South African taxi drivers don't like to be kept waiting.

Oh god, think she's been crying again. Is curled up on sofa with Martha and large box of tissues, her eyes rather red-rimmed. Am hoping can get her to sleep in the taxi- will take roughly hour and a half to get to airport and don't think can cope with her crying that much without breaking down myself.

"Nikki, we need to go now, sweetheart." Oh god. Oh god oh god oh god, she's starting to shake slightly.

"Right, come on then." Martha seems to be taking control of the situation; am hoping she'll be able to see this one through successfully. "It's going to be fine, Niks, I promise. It's all going to be fine; Pieter's going to keep you updated with everything happening down here, and any time you want to talk to me, you just pick up the phone, OK? And Harry's going to look after you, you'll be fine. It's all going to be absolutely fine."

**-8.45am**

On reflection, don't think departure from Martha's went too badly. Have managed to keep all traces of panic attacks at bay so far, in fact, have even succeeded in getting Nikki off to sleep in back of taxi. Looks rather peaceful at the moment, far more so than have seen her in… well, years. Since we still had Josi.

"Nearly there, Harry." Honestly don't know what would do without Leo; is only member of somewhat dysfunctional family-like group who hasn't lost the plot at least a little in light of today's trip. Always seems to know exactly what to say to reassure at any given moment.

"About 10 minutes from now, isn't it? I suppose I should probably wake Nikki up…"

"No, give her a few more minutes, Harry. It sounds like you two had the night from hell last night; she probably needs all the sleep she can get."

"It hasn't been that bad in a while, no. But I have a feeling she's going to react pretty badly to waking up and realizing that she's going to be forced onto an airplane whatever we do, I just wonder if it might be easier to try and calm her down now than in the middle of a crowded airport car park."

"Good point. Yep, you're right, wake her now."

Not sure have the heart to wake her, actually. Still looks so peaceful, yet is going to be anything but the moment she wakes up and realizes where she is, what's about to happen. And not sure if can bear to be the one who does that to her. Expect don't really have an awful lot of choice.

"Nikki? Nikki, sweetheart, you need to wake up now, OK? We're almost there."

Is blinking slightly now, looks rather beautiful when she does that. Ohhh wait, not blinking anymore, is now looking positively distraught.

"Harry, are we here?"

"Not yet, but we will be soon." Doing best to sound calming, hope that's the way it's coming across. "How are you feeling?"

"Like someone's about to rip my heart in two." Damn. Really, really shouldn't have asked her that question, think may have just gone and made everything 100 times worse.

"I know Nikki, I know. I know it's horrible. But how are you feeling physically? You're not in too much pain, are you?" Can tell something's bothering her; doesn't seem to be able to sit still for more than a few moments at a time now she's woken up.

Is shaking her head now. "I'm OK at the moment." _At the moment_, not just OK. Am starting to feel bad about putting her on a plane now, know she's still pretty unwell and is really not going to find having to sit still on an uncomfortable airplane seat for 11 hours easy. Really should have gotten act together and booked plane tickets home earlier, then might have been some business class seats left available to splash out on.

"'Fine' OK or 'in-pain-but-don't-want-to-tell-us' OK?" Leo is asking her now. Know what he means, Nikki can be an absolute nightmare when it comes to being honest about this sort of thing. Sometimes wonder if she would still be insisting she was fine lying on her death bed.

"Possibly a bit of both." Suddenly aware that she's clutching her stomach, wonder if she might have been twisted awkwardly when asleep. My fault; should have checked for that, given the number of times she's managed this before. Trouble is, she's so worried about Josi at the moment that she's pretty useless at looking after herself. Time check… almost 9, can't give her anything else in the way of painkillers until 10.30. She's just going to have to hang on until then, poor thing. How on earth are we going to keep her going, in pain and emotionally all over the place until then?


	58. Harry's Diary 4

**Chapter 57, as promised :) Thank you so much to Dinabar, Amy, Izzy and Emma for your reviews, it really is thanks to you that this fic has made it this far! Almost finished writing Lifelines in London now, which is actually pretty scary :/ Although I have got a million ideas for sequels, I just need to work out which one I'm going to do, if you guys want that :) So if you have got any ideas as to what you want me to write next, then please let me know :) **

**Love Flossie xxx**

**Chapter 57**

**Harry's Diary IV**

**Saturday 30****th**** August 2014**

**-11.34am**

Somehow have managed to struggle way through last few hours. All thanks to Leo, must admit. Think I might have been worse than Nikki in terms of being over-emotional, in hindsight. Niks has just been horribly, painfully quiet, whereas I have snapped at both her and Leo far too many times. Funny how grief can affect people in such different ways.

Queuing to board the plane now, which could potentially be disaster. Leo and I realized over coffee at the café a little while ago that in hurry to book plane tickets before they all sold out, have made stupid, stupid mistake. Have booked tickets on South African airline with Easy jet-like system, meaning that there are no set seats. Have to queue up in random order, wait for families with children under 7 to board, then cross runway to plane and board, search for seats and pray to God that are still some pairs/threes left ( Leo has already said doesn't mind sitting on own as long as I am with Nikki- very sweet. Definitely have best boss ever). Otherwise, will be split up across plane. And the most painful part of it all is, we shouldn't even be having this problem. We should be a family with a small child under the age of 7; our daughter is under the age of 7. Except that we can't board the plane first, because we don't even know where our child under the age of 7 is. And think Nikki might be finding that an awful lot harder to cope with than fear of having to spend 11 ish hour flight by herself.

Even so, Nikki is still absolutely terrified that will end up by herself; can't really blame her, after everything she's been through over the last few weeks, I desperately don't want to leave her by herself either. But might have to, depends how the seats work out. Towards the back of the queue at the moment, so not much hope at the moment. Don't know if Nikki's picked up on that, though- seems to be in world of her own. Hopefully, will all work out and she won't have to.

"Harry!" Leo is holding out his bag to me, urgent look on face.

"Harry, take this, I'll run ahead and try and get us some seats." Best plan have heard in a long time, glad Leo's thought this through.

**-11.42am**

Don't think have ever laughed so hard in life. Leo currently racing down runway, trying to out-sprint surprisingly quick, fat old lady with oversized hand luggage bag. Priceless. Admittedly some of the comedy value is lost by worry that if can't beat fat old lady, Leo's chances of getting even two seats next to each other are greatly reduced, but is still pretty funny. Even Nikki seems to be smiling.

**-11.46am**

Shit. Have just stepped onto plane to find it absolutely packed, Leo standing helplessly in aisle. Almost managed to get two seats next to each other but was pushed out of way at last minute- not his fault, woman who pushed him looks pretty scary. And strong. Which means that am going to have to leave Nikki to sit by herself for duration of flight, something which already has her tensing up and breathing shallowly. Has not got a hope in hell of lasting that long. Only one thing for it…

**-11.47am**

"Excuse me?" Have picked nicest-looking couple on plane, am hoping they will detect urgency of situation and help us out. "Sorry to bother you, I know seats are allocated on a first-come-first-served basis, but I was wondering if you could do me a huge favour and swap seats with my wife and I?" Can practically sense Nikki raising eyebrows behind me, but thought 'wife' might gain more sympathy than 'girlfriend.' And couldn't really say 'most important person in the whole world to me ever', would sound too over the top. Even if is completely and utterly true.

"I'm sorry, I wouldn't ask, it's just that my wife has just been discharged from hospital and I don't want to leave her on her own, there aren't any pairs of seats left and…"

"Piss off!"

Ah. Not quite the answer was hoping for.

**-11.49am**

Have found Nikki seat next to nice-ish looking family and told her not to worry, will only be a few rows back and will come and get her as soon as seat belt signs come off, so can lurk at back of plane like love sick teenagers. Have left her large box of tissues, and battered copy of Sense and Sensibility to try and take her mind off everything. Still looks visibly distressed, but no one offering to swap seats. Really does cause you to lose all faith in humanity.

"Harry, don't leave me." Barely a whisper, and yet somehow horrifically loud.

"I'm not leaving you, Niks. I'm going to be just down there, OK? I'm not going anywhere, I'm not going to leave you too, I promise. I'm not going anywhere."

**-12.10pm**

Plane only just beginning to take off; is bloody joke. Dread to think what kind of state Nikki must be in by now- flying over Cape Town, over potential places Joycelin could be being held at, is hardly going to reassure her that everything's going to be OK. I should be there with her now, should be holding her, promising her that we'll be back, that we'll find Joycelin one day, one day soon, no matter what it takes. But can't. And all because of selfish, nasty occupants of plane and incapability of doing one good deed. Still, can't do anything about that now. Hopefully seatbelt signs will turn off soon; can go and check on Nikki then.

**-12.29pm**

All going wrong. All going horribly, horribly wrong. Seat belt signs still on as have flown right into storm, which means no getting out of seats. Which means have no idea how Nikki is holding up. Know that she won't want everyone looking at her so will be doing best to bottle everything up, which means is going to be feeling like absolute rubbish right now, poor thing. Unless by some miracle has managed to distract herself with Sense and Sensibility, but am not holding out too much hope. Much more likely that she's completely and utterly distraught and sobbing her heart out, mentally back in that basement with Josi, or being… being… being hurt horrifically by _that man_, powerless to stop it. If she's in a worse state after this flight, am so going to sue airline and their stupid no-designated-seats policy.

**-12.45pm**

"Excuse me, Sir?"

Young-looking air hostess peering over me now, slightly worried expression on face. Is not exactly calming.

"Yes?"

"You're Harry Cunningham, aren't you?"

"That's right…" Something must have happened with Nikki. Why else would she be asking for me looking rather concerned? Knew Nikki wouldn't be able to cope by herself, not given the reasons behind this flight, combined with everything she's been put through since she last stepped on a plane, before that, even, and the added physical pain which just doesn't seem to be getting any better at the moment. Knew should have fought harder to get us seats next to each other.

"You're travelling with Nikki Alexander, ja?"

"Yes, I'm her boyfriend. Best friend." Always have to add the 'best friend' on the end; don't think 'boyfriend' carries anywhere near enough meaning to describe our relationship. As previously discussed. "Is she alright? We couldn't get seats next to each other…"

"She's very upset. She's not making a scene or anything like that, but she is visibly very distressed; the family next to her are quite worried about her. It looks like she's in pain too but we can't get anything out of her…"

"OK. Right, I'll come and see her, calm her down."

"Dr Cunningham? Sorry, I hope I'm not intruding, but 'Nikki Alexander'… isn't she the one who…"

"The one who was kidnapped by her rapist along with her 3 month old baby, yes." Hope don't sound too snappy; am beginning to regret all the publicity we fought so hard for, certainly seems to come back and hit you in the face a little if and when people make the connection between the photographs on the news 3 years ago and the pair of us now. No doubt will all be rekindled soon if Pieter does manage to get Josi's disappearance some publicity on the South African news. But guess it's the price that has to be paid; am willing to try anything at this point to get Josi back. Honestly don't know how either of us are going to cope without her.

**-12.48pm**

Air hostess was right, Nikki looks positively distraught. Although is almost silent; just silent sobbing, rather disconcerting to watch. Family next to her look rather worried, bet they wish they agreed to swap seats now.

"Nikki, it's alright sweetheart, it's alright." Not entirely sure how am going to manage to reassure her from aisle, but will do whatever it takes. Can't stand to see her looking so upset.

"Excuse me? Would you like me to take your seat so you can have this one?" Dad seems to have finally seen sense and offered to swap; only wish had done so earlier. Why is it that it took Nikki getting this upset for anyone to believe that she needed to be with someone she knew, she was comfortable with?

"That would be great, thanks." Can now slide into seat next to Nikki, much more comfortable than crouching in aisle and can cuddle her properly. Think is in dire need of Harry hug, poor thing.

"I'm sorry." Almost a whisper; seems considerably embarrassed.

"Nikki, when are you going to learn to stop apologising? You've got nothing to apologise for, OK? Nothing. It just all got too much for you, that's all, and I can't say I'm surprised. I should have tried harder to get us seats together, I'm sorry."

"It's OK, it's not your fault." Is wiping her eyes now, seems to be doing her best to pull herself together. "I hate it, Harry. I hate this, leaving and still not having the faintest idea where she is, what she's going through. And I… I just don't want to look back on this, when she's older and maybe we've found her, we've got her back… I don't want her to feel like we abandoned her, that we gave up all hope and swanned off to the life we led before her, that we forgot all about her."

"But she's never going to think that, Nikki, I promise you. She's never, ever going to think that. She'll know how much we love her, she'll know that we would have done everything in our power to find her, to be taking her home with us. She's never going to doubt that, Nikki, I promise." Now to tackle the next topic on tick list. "And how are you feeling now? The air hostess said you looked as if you were in pain, it's not too bad is it?"

"Harry?"

"Hmm?" Can tell from the very tone of her voice that something's wrong; never normally shows that much vulnerability.

"It feels like someone's trying to tear a hole in my stomach." Is looking at me desperately now, feel terrible but can't do anything about it. She's been OK over the past week though hasn't had to sit down so upright for so long before, is probably starting to seize up.

"Try not to think about it." Best suggestion can come up with, but Nikki doesn't look too impressed. "I know, I know, it's not the best of solutions. But there's not much else I can do, Nikki, I wish there was, but there isn't. How about you try and get some sleep? That might help."

Is looking at me exasperatingly now, clearly not impressed.

"What, and have another stupid dream and disturb the entire airplane with my screaming?"

"No, because I won't let you. I won't let it get that far; I'll wake you up if it looks like you're starting to get distressed, OK? Nikki come on, try and get some sleep. You'll feel better, I promise."


	59. Despair

**Only another 2 chapters to go and then I'll be starting on the third and final part :) I can't believe this fic has finally made it to this point but it has, and so I would like to thank every single one of you still reading, especially Izzy, Emma, Amy and Thyqua for your amazing reviews of the last chapter, you guys are so amazing and I really am lucky to have you. We're approaching the end of this project now, and I know it's turned out ridiculously long and I really do hope you're still enjoying it! Let me know!**

**Love Flossie xxx**

**Chapter 58**

**Despair**

**Sunday 31****st**** August 2014**

**-12.04am**

She was rather disorientated when she awoke for the 7th time; long flights combined with so many restless nights tended to have that effect. She knew she was still on the airplane; there was no mistaking the cramped seating, the dim aisle lights and the dull, metronomic hum of the engines beneath the murmuring. But what time was it? That question she couldn't answer. Cape Town was almost directly below London geographically which meant that the time difference was only an hour in the summer, so jet lag didn't occur as such- Nikki knew that for certain, although she hadn't set foot on a plane for almost 3 years, prior to then she had made this journey several times before. But still she didn't have a clue as to what time it might be, how far along the journey they might be at this point. Maybe it was because she hadn't been in a proper sleeping pattern for god only knew how long, she was so used to sleeping as and when she was able to do so for more than half an hour at a time that she couldn't use tiredness as an indicator of time? She didn't know. All she knew was that nothing seemed certain anymore, nothing. Nothing had for years, not since the abduction. Possibly, now she thought about it, not since the assault.

"Nikki?" Harry was watching her now; whether he had been awake before she had woken herself, she didn't know. His arms were snaking around her shoulders now, pulling her into his chest. Normally she would have found the gesture comforting, reassuring, but after an uncertain number of hours sat in the same position, the still-painful wounds across her midsection were screaming angrily in protest. She took a couple of deep breaths now, steadying herself, determined that Harry wouldn't come to know that he was causing her pain. He was only trying to make her feel better, he was trying to help, to comfort her, and she wouldn't have him know that physically, it was making her feel worse.

"We're almost there," Harry promised her, his right hand moving now to stroke her hair. "Just another 10 minutes or so, and then we'll be landing."

"Hmm? What time is it?"

"Five minutes past midnight," he told her softly, now reaching down below his seat, rummaging in his bag. You've been asleep for almost an hour and a half now, so you're due some more painkillers if you want them."

"Yes please." Nikki sighed, leaning back into her seat and pulling her knees up to her chest. "So… we're almost there?"

"That's right." The pain in Harry's voice was evident; Nikki knew she wasn't the only one suffering with this. She wasn't on her own in bearing the guilt of giving up and flying home before their daughter was found, she knew that, no matter how much it felt that way. Maybe, just maybe, they would be able to pull through it all together.

Those next 10 minutes seemed to pass by far too quickly, for Nikki at least. Everyone else, she knew, would most likely be itching to get off the plane after more or less 12 hours in the air, but not her, nor Harry, either. The moment they stepped off the plane they would have to try and get back to 'normal' as such, would have to do their best to balance the urgent need for a little normality with refusing to give up hope, refusing to forget the 3rd missing member of their family, the member whom they might never see again. Poor Josi… she was only a child, she wasn't old enough to be separated from her mother, from everything she had ever known, especially given what Bai Lưu was no doubt planning to put her through at that very moment. How did one even go about smuggling a child into an imperial palace in arguably the most secretive country in the world? Nikki didn't know. She didn't even want to think about it.

She became lost in thought as the plane began its descent, knowing that the only way to get through this was going to be preoccupying herself with something else, refusing to think about now, about what this long-overdue homecoming represented. She tried instead to focus on all the things about England, about home that she had missed over the last 3 years but everything just kept on coming back to Joycelin. Thoughts of her flat just reminded Nikki of how quiet it was still going to be when it was just her living there, of how much happier and full of life and cheerful it would have been with a 3 year old to liven things up, to litter the living room floor with her toys and cover the kitchen cupboards with felt tip pen drawings. She tried thinking of the Lyell Centre, but that just brought to mind the question of what she would do with Joycelin whilst she and Harry were at work. She would have to send her to some kind of overpriced day care, she supposed; she didn't want to but didn't want to give up work either, most likely couldn't afford to. If she even got her back, that was. It was no good; all thoughts seemed to end up back at that near-constant fear, no matter how hard she tried.

The getting off of the plane was the worst part by far. Perhaps it was because whilst she was still on the plane, Nikki could fool herself that she was still in South Africa, that this wasn't happening, she wasn't back home without her daughter, preparing to attempt to carry on where she had left off. It wasn't fair; it just wasn't fair that the moment she got Harry back Joycelin was taken away from her, it was as if she couldn't be with both the people she loved more than anyone else in the world at the same time. Over the last 3 years she had been forced to survive without Harry, now she was going to have to survive without Joycelin… it just wasn't fair. It was as if she were cursed when it came to relationships with the people she loved, Nikki sighed bitterly. First her mother, then her father had abandoned her and turned up again only to make her life hell, to take her away from Harry and ultimately her daughter. Sometimes she wondered what she had done to deserve it.

She could feel herself shaking as she stood and followed Harry along the aisle off the plane, finally giving into the tears as they emerged into the arrival lounge, spotting Leo waiting for them in the corner and running over to him, collapsing into his arms like a small child seeking the comfort of their father. In that moment, maybe she was.

"I've lost her, Leo!" she sobbed hopelessly, the reality of the situation crashing down in that moment harder than ever before. "I've lost her!"

"I know," Leo told her gently, quietly, trying to calm her down. "I know, Nikki. But we're going to do everything we can to get her back, you know that, don't you? We're never going to give up on her, I promise. And I know it must all seem a thousand times worse now we're home, but you've got me, you've got Harry, we'll help you through it, OK? It's going to be alright, Nikki. I know it doesn't seem like it now, but it's going to be alright."

**Sunday 31****st**** August 2011**

**-5.19am**

She was somewhat dazed and confused when she woke the following morning, rolling over painfully, uncertainly in a strange, alien bed as she opened her eyes. It took her a good few minutes to realize it was her own.

How had she got here? Nikki couldn't remember, not in the slightest at first. For one wonderful moment she thought perhaps it had all been a dream, perhaps none of it had ever really happened, not the kidnap, the losing Josi, even the rape, none of it. She hadn't been back to her flat, to this bed, since long before Harry, Leo and the others had even learned of Josi's existence, after all… maybe it was all a terrible, terrible dream and everything would resume as usual now. Then again, Nikki realized, as a familiar wave of pain shot through her, her body protesting as she clambered out of bed and headed for the bathroom, maybe not.

It hadn't all been a dream, she knew that really. Nikki wished she could say she knew it because she could see her daughter so clearly in her mind that it wasn't possible for her to have been just a dream, but truth be told, it was because the physical pain was fast becoming so horribly intense that the whole nightmare she was still in the process of struggling through could have possibly been anything but reality. Nikki pushed the bolt across the bathroom door and slid down the smooth wood onto the floor, pressing 2 tablets out of the blister pack in her hand and placing them in her mouth and swallowing hard, not even bothering with water. Her dry throat protested against the tablets but she forced them down, knowing that there was no way she was going to make it into the kitchen for a glass of water. Now she thought about it, Nikki wasn't even sure how she was going to make it back into bed.

What time was it? She didn't know. She didn't think she even cared anymore. Nothing mattered; the only thing that had mattered over the past 3 years was her daughter, and now she had been taken from her, now they weren't even in the same continent, nothing seemed to matter anymore. All Nikki wanted was her baby back, that was all she wanted. And she would give anything to have her back, anything in world. Except to lose Harry again, to lose another person she loved. She wouldn't choose, shouldn't have to choose, nor should she have to feel as if the moment she got one person she loved back another was snatched from her. No one else had to put up with this, no one else's daughter was kidnapped and taken halfway across the world to fulfil some kind of impossible political agenda on the behalf of an insane, out-of-touch band of Vietnamese refugees. It was almost laughable when you put it like that, Nikki sighed to herself bitterly, it was no wonder that the police were refusing to take it seriously. And before she knew it, she was sobbing into her hands, her cries muffled yet painfully loud. It wasn't fair. It just wasn't fair.

Still she couldn't remember how she had gotten there, how she had ended up back in her own bed when the last thing she could remember was sobbing hysterically in Harry's arms in the taxi queue. Harry must have brought her home and carried her inside, that must be it. Or maybe arriving home for the first time in 3 years, but without her daughter, had proved so painful that she had wiped it out, blocked off the painful memories? The way Nikki was feeling now, she wouldn't be surprised.

She had been dreaming about her, just before she woke up. She had dreamt that she was back in the basement with Joycelin, that the pair of them could hear Harry and Leo banging on the door, calling for them, but had no way of getting to them. She had dreamt that Josi was scared, that she cowered on her mother's lap, unsure, afraid, unable to recognise the voices of her own father and grandfather because it had been such a long time since she had last seen them. And then another voice had called for them, a harsh, clipped voice which Nikki felt sure she would never forget as long as she lived. Bai Lưu had called out for them and Joycelin had looked up, recognising _his_ voice over Harry's, over her father's. She simply didn't know any different. And then, as Bai had continued to call her name, the version of her daughter in her dream had begun to fade away like a ghost in a movie, gradually becoming paler and paler until Nikki could barely see her at all. And Nikki had reached out for her hand frantically, determined to grab her before she disappeared completely, before her face began to blur and fade even more than it was already beginning to in her conscious mind, even just under a month on from their separation. But her hand had passed right through Joycelin's small fist as if she really were a ghost, nothing more. And then her daughter had looked up at her, a terrified look in her eyes as she uttered the words that still echoed through Nikki's mind now, even awake.

'_Help my. Asseblief. Moet laat nie my met hom.' _Help me. Please. Don't leave me with him.

Sobbing uncontrollably now, Nikki pulled herself painfully to her feet and stumbled into the shower, turning the water onto the hottest setting she could. Now he had entered her head once more she could practically smell him on her, feel his hands on her, on her daughter… she had to get him away from her, needed to feel clean, untouched, uncontaminated. And after everything she had been put through over the past few hours, days, weeks, months, years, even, that need was simply compelling.


	60. Broken Hearts

**I've come to grovel! I'm sorry, I know it's been far too long, blame college :( This chapter isn't quite as long as I was planning, but I wanted to get something up here before you all lost interest, so here it is :) And thank you so much to Dinabar, Izzy, Emma, Amy and Thyqua for your reviews of the last chapter, you guys have no idea how amazing you are :) Big hugs xx And only another 2 chapters to go after this one before the final part is published as a new fic :)**

**Love Flossie xxx**

**Chapter 59**

**Broken hearts**

_Sometimes I wake up by the door,  
>That heart you caught must be waiting for you<br>Even now when we're already over  
>I can't help myself from looking for you.<em>

_Set fire to the rain, Adele_

**Sunday 31****st**** August 2011**

**-6.38am**

He awoke suddenly relatively early in the morning, not to the sound of the alarm as usual but to a strange sound, a sound which in his half-awake state Harry couldn't quite place. He didn't even remember where he was for a few moments, though the temperature of the room gave it away fairly quickly. South Africa was much warmer than England during the day, but African nights were always cool no matter how warm the day had been, sometimes verging on freezing, and quite the opposite to the temperature of this room he was in now. And that was when it all came back to him. He wasn't in Africa anymore, he was back at Nikki's. He was back at Nikki's, with Nikki, but without their daughter. And god only knew how the pair of them were going to cope.

Maybe though, just maybe it was going to be OK, Harry reasoned. Nikki had been completely peaceful all night; he knew, he had woken himself up several times just to check. Maybe being back in her own bed, even if it was so long since she had slept in it probably didn't feel like that anymore, was helping with the sleep situation, just a little. Although however peaceful and relaxed Nikki looked, still Harry worried that she was still in the middle of another horrific nightmare, that she was screaming internally and he couldn't do a thing to help. Now he thought of it, he should probably check on her again, make sure she still looked relatively calm…

His mind made up, Harry rolled over in bed, his arms stretched out his arms, frowning as he reached right across the mattress and off the other side without making contact with anything other than the bedclothes. She wasn't there. She wasn't there, and for a moment panic stirred within him, panic that it was happening again, that she had been stolen from him once more. But then he finally realized what the strange noise in the background was: running water. Nikki was obviously just in the shower; that was all it was. She must have woken up early and gone to take a shower, she would be back out in a few minutes.

But a few minutes didn't seem to come, and going back to sleep certainly wasn't an option until it did. With each passing minute Harry became a little more worried about Nikki, the apprehension gradually building up until it became too much to bear. Sighing to himself, Harry sat up slowly and peered over to check the time on the alarm clock, groaning as he realized he was at Nikki's, that the alarm clock was on the table on the other side of the bed. And so he shuffled over, frowning when he saw the time. 6.50. Why on earth would Nikki be in the shower at 6.50 on a Sunday morning, let alone after the horrendous flight home. No, something was wrong, he could sense it, just as he always seemed to sense when something wasn't right when concerning Nikki. Something was wrong.

"Nikki?" Harry called groggily as he hauled himself out of bed, crossing the room to the bathroom door, flicking a curtain of plastic beads hanging from the ceiling over his shoulder as he went. He would never understand women. "Nikki?" The door wasn't locked, he could simply burst in if necessary, but he wanted to be sure that something was definitely wrong first. He knew that on the off-chance that Nikki was fine, she almost certainly wouldn't be after him bursting in on her in the shower.

"Nikki, are you alright?" Harry asked her now, trying to keep the anxiety out of his voice. He didn't want her to think he was worried about her, even though he was, and desperately so. Knowing that he was worried wasn't going to help in the slightest.

But there was no answer. The sound of running water continued to echo from the bathroom, but no sounds of life accompanied it. It was as if Nikki wasn't even in there, and yet Harry knew that she must be. There was no other explanation for the shower being running, other than a fear which wouldn't quite leave Harry alone, no matter how hard he tried.

"Nikki, I'm coming in there," Harry called, pushing open the door apprehensively and stepping into the bathroom. He had expected to be hit by steam coming from the shower, by the warmth and humidity left behind in the room from the hot water. But instead he simply noticed a distinct lack of each, and instead a blast of cold hit him,, not one which would normally hit a person walking into a room towards the end of summer. He didn't dare to imagine the temperature of the water that Nikki was sat in, curled up at one end of the shower cubicle with her knees pulled up to her chest, her face buried in her knees as the water cascaded over her shoulders, drenching her with what could only be cold water. How long had she been in there? Harry didn't even want to think about it.

"Nikki?" She didn't seem to hear Harry as he called out her name, failing to respond in the slightest. It was as if she were lost in a world of her own, her mind somewhere else entirely, dwelling on time over the past 3 years in which there had been no one to help her, no one to pull her back from the brink of despair. Even as he approached, the shower screen still pulled closed between them, Harry could see her shivering, her body shaking with a combination of sobs and cold. She looked so vulnerable in that moment that Harry froze, suddenly unsure as to what to do. Normally he had a sort of instinct when it came to Nikki; whether she was angry or upset or scared or nervous somehow he always knew how to handle her, what to say, to do, to make her feel better. But now, seeing her looking so lost and vulnerable on top of everything else, nothing in the way of instinct was kicking in. And he didn't have the slightest clue what to do. And so he was just going to have to make something up as he went along and hope and pray that he didn't make the whole situation worse.

Harry threw the shower screen open frantically, grabbing a towel off the towel rail and leaning in to wrap it around Nikki's shaking form, wincing as he was sprayed with cold water, the towel becoming soaked through in the process. Though at least it was allowing her some dignity; that was what he told himself.

"Oh Nikki, come on," Harry sighed, trying to lift her out of the shower but failing as she tensed up, her body becoming rigid as she fought against him. "Nikki, it's alright, it's just me, I'm not going to hurt you, I promise. No one's going to hurt you again, Nikki, no one, OK? You're safe. Now come on, we need to get you out of here before you freeze to death."

"N-n-no." Her voice was faint, shaky, and yet the fear in in was evident. She still wouldn't look at Harry, her gaze fixed firmly on her knees. Sighing, Harry reached up to turn off the shower, halting the flow of cold water.

"Nikki, I'm just going to take you back through to your bedroom, that's all," Harry soothed her. "You're freezing, sweetheart, you're going to make yourself ill if you're not careful. Come on Nikki, please. I know it's horrible, but we're going to get through this. We'll get through it somehow, but this isn't going to help in the slightest." He wrapped his arms around her tightly now, letting out a sigh of relief as she finally relaxed into his arms. "I'm just going to lift you out, OK? It's alright, you're alright."

Harry managed to carry her back into her bedroom without her panicking again, sitting her down against the headboard and leaving her briefly as he rushed back into the bathroom to grab a dry towel. She was still shaking when he returned although it seemed to be from the cold rather than her distress, something which comforted Harry a little. He didn't know if he could handle seeing her so visibly lost and defeated again.

"I'm sorry," she whispered hopelessly as he began rubbing gently at her hair, trying to warm her up. "I'm sorry. I just woke up and… and it all came flooding back, and I just felt so guilty that we left her…"

"We didn't leave her, Nikki," Harry said firmly, unhooking her dressing gown from the back of the door and helping her into it. "We didn't leave her." He stopped, having suddenly had an idea. "Wait here, OK?" he told her, scrambling to his feet and out through her bedroom door. "I'll be back in a minute!"

He ran through her flat until he reached Josi's room, the room he had decorated and declared their daughter's despite her never having set foot in it. Whether Nikki was quite ready to see the room itself, he wasn't sure, but there was something he could show her which might ease the pain just a little, might assure her that Joycelin was never going to be forgotten, never going to be abandoned. He only hoped it would work.


	61. Stepping Forward

**So so so so so sorry :( Had the week from hell with hardly any time for writing, but starting to reach the light at the end of the tunnel now! This is the penultimate chapter, the epilogue is almost done, as is the next chapters of the Obsession and Fuel to a fear, which I'm hoping to publish the final part of tomorrow. Thank you so much to Dinabar, Amy, Thyqua, Emma, Lizzi and Izzy for your reviews, you guys are amazing and thank you so much for sticking with me despite the infrequency of the updates recently! There's more coming your way very soon, I promise!**

**Sorry again, Love Flossie xxx**

**Chapter 60**

**Stepping Forward**

**Sunday 31****st**** August 2011**

**-7.02am**

He rushed back into Nikki's bedroom after his brief excursion, hoping and praying that he hadn't been gone long enough for her to have begun to panic once more at being alone. He was worried now, worried that she had been distressed during the night and he had missed the signs, had left her to face her daemons alone. She was still so vulnerable, Harry knew that, probably even more so now she was back in England. But he was surprised to find Nikki still looking distressed but otherwise relatively calm, curled up in the foetal position at the foot of the bed. She was still exhausted; Harry could tell that just from looking at her. And he knew by now that the worst panic attacks came when she was exhausted.

"Nikki, look." He tried and failed to grab her attention as he leaned over to place an assortment of small wooden animals onto the bed beside her. "Nikki, come on, please, I want to show you something."

Nikki sat up slowly now, rubbing her eyes as she blinked up at Harry blearily, noticing the wooden animals sat beside her. "What are they?" She sounded completely drained of all her energy, though Harry put that down to her stubborn refusal to eat anything at all on the flight home.

"Martha made them," Harry told her, holding out the original member of the safari count, the elephant, the one which held the most in the way of bad memories and yet which somehow meant the most to him. "This was the first one, she made this one just before Leo and I headed home for the first time after… after you both went missing. And after that it became a sort of way of passing the time, marking the number of times I went back out to Cape Town to look for you and Joycelin. That's how I know we won't ever give up on her, Nikki, she won't ever be abandoned. We're never going to abandon her, not for a moment."

She was silent for a few moments, turning the elephant over in her hands slowly, a look on her face which Harry couldn't quite gage. Then she placed the elephant back down on the bed beside the other animals, staring, a now soft expression on her face.

"You came out to Africa 8 times to look for us?" she asked finally, almost shyly, disbelievingly, fiddling with the sleeve of her dressing gown.

"Oh Nikki, I'd have flown out to Cape Town a hundred times if I could have," Harry told her gently, shuffling along the bed until he was sat beside her, pulling her into his arms and kissing the top of her head gently. "When are you going to realize that, hey?" He felt her whole body tense up as she shuddered slightly, knowing immediately that she was in pain.

"What's wrong?" Harry asked her worriedly, tucking a stray curl of hair behind her ear in what he hoped was a comforting gesture. "Nikki?"

But she refused to answer him, retreating into her shell once more in what could only be described as a gesture of severe shame.

"I'm sorry," she whispered simply, refusing to look up at Harry properly. "I'm sorry, I just… I couldn't help myself, I woke up and it was like I could smell him on me, it was like he was still there and I just had to get rid of it all but no matter how hard I tried to get him out of my mind I just couldn't forget…. I could still feel his hands…" she seemed to be becoming more hysterical by the minute, her breaths beginning to come in shorter and shorter gasps. She had done something she wasn't proud of, that much was clear. She had done something which was now making her feel horribly ashamed, and she couldn't bring herself to tell him.

"What? Nikki, what did you do?" Harry sighed, placing his hand gently over her own. She was still struggling hugely to cope, he knew that; there had been a number of incidents before they even left Africa of her losing control badly, hurting herself. He didn't think she meant to do it, that much was almost certain, but in those moments of complete lack of control she seemed to be capable of anything, anything at all. It was as if she had focused so much effort into appearing calm and controlled for Joycelin over the past 3 years that she had worn herself out, unable to control her emotions in the slightest now she didn't have her daughter to pull herself together for.

But she simply sat there in silence for a few moments, sobbing softly to herself until Harry knew that he would be getting nothing out of her. And so reluctantly, he reached over and began checking her over, hoping he wasn't going to accidently spark another panic. He knew it was risky given the mood Nikki was in now, knew that examining her physically might not be the best idea after her earlier panic relating to Bai Lưu and all the pain he had put her through. But Harry also knew that given the state Nikki was in when he dragged her out of the shower, she could quite easily have hurt herself without even realizing it. And if that was the case, then he needed to sort her out as soon as possible.

Harry found the problem, the thing that was making her feel so guilty and ashamed, within seconds. He did his best to disguise his concern and his checking her over as helping her change, stopping abruptly as he saw the state of the wound across her midsection. She seemed to have rubbed it raw, most likely in the shower during her descent into major panic. No wonder Nikki was in pain, no wonder she didn't want to tell him. She had done this before in moments of becoming convinced she was back with _him_, being hurt in the most unimaginable ways all over again, determined to wash away traces of her torment which simply weren't there. And the worst part of it all was the being unable to do anything to stop her.

"Oh Nikki, I thought you'd stopped doing this," Harry sighed gently, pulling her into his lap. "It's all in your head; you know that really, don't you? It's not real, he's long gone now, he's not going to hurt you again. You can't still feel him on you, Niks, that's impossible. He's not coming back," Harry repeated; he had told her this a hundred times before but he was hoping that this would be the time it finally stuck in, the time she finally realized he was right.

She nodded slowly, still clinging to him tightly. Her hands were reaching shakily across the duvet now, curling around the small wooden giraffe and lifting it slowly carefully, holding it up to her face.

"Smells like home," she offered quietly by way of an explanation, a sad, mournful look on her face now, but a new sense of calmness about her features. "Harry?"

"Hmm?"

"Can we… can we go to the Lyell Centre today?"

He had to laugh, in spite of everything. "Oh Nikki, you're obsessed! It's your first day back in England in more than 3 years, and you want to go into work?"

"Not to do actual work!" Nikki protested. "To use the facial reconstruction software."

"The facial reconstruction software?" Harry repeated, looking at her now as if she were completely mad. "What do you want the facial reconstruction software for?"

"It's a long shot," Nikki admitted, sighing a little. "But… I just… they don't even know who they're looking for, Harry!" she said desperately. "Pieter and Anton, I mean, and anyone else helping them, they don't even know who they're looking for. We haven't got anything in the way of current photographs to show them, nothing beyond 2 ½ months old, and the sketch the police artist managed to do is all very well, but it's not the easiest thing to use to identify a person from, especially a 3 year old who's growing up and changing so much faster than an adult would. So I've been thinking… surely it would be possible to play around with the facial reconstruction software, to use photographs of my parents and me as a baseline to try and reconstruct her face and doing our best to make up anything she gets from _his_ side as we go along? It's not much to go on, I know, but surely it must be possible? I mean, it's not like we've got anything else to go on," she sighed hopelessly now, the very tone of her voice so low and depressive that although he had his doubts, Harry couldn't bring himself to express them to her. Whether it worked or not, it would give Nikki something to focus on, give her some hope, if only for a little while. And who was he to deny her that?

"That sounds brilliant, Nikki," he told her now, squeezing her shoulders a little. "I can't believe we didn't think of that before; that would definitely help. But we don't have to go today, Niks, we can wait a bit, spend today adjusting to being home and maybe go in to have a go at a reconstruction in a few days' time…"

"Joycelin hasn't got a few days, Harry," Nikki insisted, her eyes pleading with him desperately. "She might not even have a few hours! Don't you understand, I have to feel like I'm actually doing something to help her, I can't just sit here not knowing what's happening to her, risking him hurting her like he hurt me…"

"OK," Harry said gently, stroking her hair as he realized that he was going to have to give in on this one unless he wanted a second panic attack in the space of half an hour on his hands. "OK. We'll have breakfast, we'll dig out some old photos to use and then we'll head off to the Lyell Centre, OK? It's going to be alright," he told her, not entirely sure who needed the reassurance the most. "It's going to be alright."


	62. Epilogue

**I can't believe we've reached this point again! It's the end of Lifelines in London, and the story will be concluded in the third and final part of my Lighthouse series, Conclusions in Cape Town, which will be up very soon :) Before you start reading this chapter, I just need to make something clear- I am NOT passing a judgement on North Korea or any other country mentioned in this fic, it is purely fiction for entertainment purposes and I do not claim to understand what goes on in a country I know very little about. I am merely writing fanfiction, and do not claim any part of this to be factual. **

**One final thing, I'd just like to say a HUGE thank you to everyone who's reviewed this and Sunset in SA, especially to Amy, Lizzi, Izzy, GemS, Dinabar, Thyqya, and Emma. You guys are beyond amazing and this chapter is for you, because without you I would have given up a long time ago :) Love you guys. Xx**

**One last review for old time's sake? :) If you haven't done so yet, now would be a good chance to look back on the story so far and give me some feedback as I start to write the final part, any thoughts as to how everything is going to end ( I have decided, honest, I'd just be interested to know what you guys think!) etc. Please? This fic has been my baby for almost 9 months now ( Dinabar, I think it's going to be a hideously overdue baby :P ), reviews would be just amazing :) **

**See you soon! Love, Flossie xxx**

**Epilogue**

**Tuesday 2****nd**** September 2014**

They were in Iran. Iran because it was random, unpredictable, one of the least logical places for them to go and therefore one of the last places anyone would think to look. They were in Iran because _she _had survived, because chances were, the police were now looking for them. And Bai Lưu couldn't risk being found, not now, not after everything that had happened in order to reach this point in the first place. He had an obligation to fulfil, a job he had promised to do long ago which needed to be carried out. But it wasn't just that. He couldn't risk being found because somewhere along the line, this little girl who wasn't really his had come to mean more to him than anything else in the whole world. She was so like her mother that it was uncanny, so like her grandmother that sometimes he did a double take when he looked at her. And it broke his heart to think of her fate, to know that sooner or later, this little girl was going to meet an untimely death, all because of him. This little girl was going to die; most likely in vain, but what did anyone else care? The only people who could do anything to stop it were the very people who believed that this crazy plan was actually going to work.

No, there was nothing to be done. All Bai Lưu could do now was look after her until the very end, ensure these last few years of his daughter's life were not the misery he was afraid they would be. She deserved better than that, and he knew it. She deserved better than it all. She deserved to be taken back to her mother, her family, he knew that deep down. But he wouldn't do it, not even if he could. He wanted her too, he was her father, even if there was a way out of the whole Korea plan he wouldn't take her back. She was his baby now and she always would be, right until the very end. Joycelin Alexander was gone, buried along with the hurt and the fear and all the terrible emotions she associated with seeing her mother shot right in front of her, with believing her to be dead. She had blocked it out, as Bai knew, she had repressed the memories, starting again on a new page the day he took her out of Africa as only a 3 year old could. Could she even remember her mother anymore? He didn't know. A part of him didn't want to. She was his daughter now, Lưu Hong-hanh, she didn't need those memories. All she needed was him.

She gripped his hand tightly as he led her through the airport, as if afraid she might get lost amongst the large crowd of people. She certainly blended in now; Bai had made sure of that. The downside of using Nikki Alexander as the mother of his child was that she didn't quite look Vietnamese, wouldn't quite get away with being Korean when the time came. Her hair had been too light in colour, her eyes too blue, but he had taken care of that. It was unbelievable, the difference a packet of hair dye and some coloured contact lenses could make. No, no one was going to look at her twice now, no one was going to suspect a thing. Until they reached China, that was. And then a whole new set of dangers would face them.

_She's running, running along a corridor with red and gold walls, an oriental pattern painted across them like a spider's web across a tree trunk. She's alone, no one following her, no one aware that she's gone. She clutches the plastic box tightly to her chest, violin in the other hand as she races blindly towards the door, any door, anywhere that leads away from here. She just wants to escape, to find her way somewhere else, to a normal life beyond anything she's ever known. Her fingers skim the button at the front of the box but she doesn't dare push down; she knows it won't work but still she's afraid. She's come so far, achieved the impossible, the last thing she wants is to die here, die now. She wants her dad, she wants him to take her away and comfort her, to assure her that everything will be alright. Not because he's been a good parent over the years, not for all the times he's screamed and shouted, all the times he's handed her over to his 'friends' when money was tight and there was no other option. No. She wants his comfort because he's all she's ever known, because she's failed and everyone else is going to be mad at her. But not him. Please, please, not him. If he's mad at her too then she won't know what to do anymore, where to go. She'll be lost, alone in a world where nobody truly cares. _

_Or so she thinks. After all, she's too young, too lost in her secret and too many times manipulated to think any different._

**London, 2016**

He watches her as she tosses and turns, afraid to hold her close in case she reached that horrible point in her nightmares when comfort only makes it worse. He's never quite worked out how best to handle her when she's like this; two years of experience have done nothing to improve the situation at night. Sometimes he wonders if they've done anything to improve the situation at all. She's still not eating; still so thin and fragile that sometimes when he holds her too tightly he worries that he might just snap her clean in two. But he just doesn't know how to help her anymore.

She begins to mumble in her sleep now, her subconscious favouring a voice, an accent, a tongue which rarely gets a usage whilst she's awake. That's yet another way in which he knows she's with their daughter, lost in either the past or her mind's nightmarish version of a future, it doesn't really matter which. All that matters is that she's hurting, that she's in the worst emotional pain possible and he can't do a thing to help.

It's nights like these when he gives up on sleeping altogether, climbs out of bed and crosses the room to the computer, where he's close enough to be there in an instant but away from her at this point when she needs to be alone. Most nights he researches North Korea- not that there's a lot to go on. There's so little in the way of solid information about life out there that it's hardly worth bothering, yet at the same time he feels like he has to. It's like some kind of compulsion; he has to know all he can about what his little girl might be having to live through, the famine, the corruption, the confusion, the horrors no one dares to describe which occur when people are so desperately hungry, nowhere to go to for help and no way out. He'll probably never know what she goes through, whether she even survives to reach her 4th birthday, then her 5th, long enough to carry out Bai Lưu's suicide mission. He'll never know her fate, no matter how hard he prays for her to find her way home someday, someday soon. And that realisation tears him apart.


End file.
